NC pep talk thread part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Keeping this thread alive as it has helped me a bunch:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288864.0

I'm almost two weeks NC (except for cordial hellos at work). Haven't reached out to her via text or any other way in that time.

I've had some moments where I really wanted to but thankfully didn't. The members on here have been very helpful with advice and just sharing and being open. Thank you all for that.

[Anez]

Keeping this thread alive as it has helped me a bunch:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288864.0

I'm almost two weeks NC (except for cordial hellos at work). Haven't reached out to her via text or any other way in that time.

I've had some moments where I really wanted to but thankfully didn't. The members on here have been very helpful with advice and just sharing and being open. Thank you all for that.

[Skip]

Why not make this a detachment pep talk?

What does it take to detach?  NC is one tool. What are others?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Two weeks is great.  BPD fears abandonment so much they quickly take over your life so you are theirs and won't leave.  But then they leave you and you are left feeling empty and without a life - while they have moved on to their next victim. NC frees you up so you can detach and begin rebuilding your life. Keep faith with NC and you will heal.

[Anez]

Why not make this a detachment pep talk?

What does it take to detach?  NC is one tool. What are others?

That's a great idea, skip. Always enjoy reading your posts. Very thoughtful and helpful.

Some things that I find hard while detaching are triggers - a song that reminds me of her, a place we used to go together, etc. they are small but they pop up at random times and can really put me in a tough spot emotionally.

How do others deal with triggers?

[Skip]

In your case, specifically, the best way to look at this is that both reviving this relationship or exiting are all about you standing tall and separate of her and growing forward.

Don't immerse yourself in loss right now, Anez. Too soon for that. A week ago you were trying to recover this.

Try not to look back in misery, but to reach for hope. Look back at what has happened (dissect this thing) to learn from it, and make adjustments. Make yourself a better you for you right now.

Cue the Rocky theme.

[Anez]

Thanks, skip. I've been working with a T every Thursday for the past few months and really working on myself and being really open with him about everything.

I'm starting a class this week about something that I've always wanted to try. I think that experience will help me become a better person for me.

The hard part for me, tho, is that I see my ex every day at work, so it kind of reopens the scab each day. Tho I know my brain will eventually move past her and time will help. I just need to keep doing things for myself.

[Skip]

That's hard. No way to avoid  it?

[Anez]

Not really. We don't see each other a lot at work. Maybe a few minutes each day but it's enough to open the wound.

[Anez]

Why do I feel like contacting her (I'm not going to) even tho she hasn't initiated contact since early October? A few weeks ago she'd respond to my texts in a nice way but she would never initiate.

And yet I still sometimes feel like reaching out. Why?

[Rmbrworst]

Why not make this a detachment pep talk?

What does it take to detach?  NC is one tool. What are others?

Well, this isn't directly related but maybe has parallels in what happened to me last night.

After 3 weeks of NC, I broke down and messaged my exBPD.  I kept it light, I said I saw a movie that reminded me of something he would like and I wished he was around to discuss it.  I told him I missed our friendship that we had before we got too involved, and I wished him and his boyfriend well.

He never responded, and that's okay.  Also, surprisingly ... .I feel better contacting him.  I have no regrets.

The reason?

I went no contact for me, not him.  I reflected on everything and I contacted him when I felt I had gone through most of my grief, and now feel I have regained the power to set firm boundaries.  I am comfortable enough to engage with him now, but I am also equally comfortable with the fact that he has still decided not to respond, and that he has discarded me.

I have gathered strength within myself during no contact, and that has helped me detach.  Contacting him with no regrets and without any expectations of either outcome, has made me FURTHER detached.  It has made it easier to move on.

So although NC is still insanely important ,  there's more going on than just no contact to make detachment work.  Mostly, I have gotten help from a therapist, and I have educated myself about personality disorders.  This growth and understanding has also made me further detached.

I'm a very loving and caring person, but I also had solid boundaries before this relationship.  Now I've learned how to gain those boundaries back, and next relationship, they will be firm and will not budge. 

I'm not sure how you guys will feel about this opinion or series of events, but today I feel good, and have no regrets.  I think maybe that's true progress, but we will all do this differently.

Today is the first day I've stopped wondering what if and why and how.   The fact that he still will not speak to me and give me closure after I gave him a large break of time is further proof I am doing the right thing moving on.

I will always care for him and probably love him (I carry love for all my past partners), but he is not capable of ACTIVE love and commitment.  He's not even capable of a worthy friendship. That's too bad, but I have many others who love me and there are many other men who would like to date me.

Now I'm thinking about hitting up that gym membership so I can get myself back together and be healthier for myself and maybe attract some new guys .

Although no serious dating, just self improvement and preparing for the next relationship

Much love. 

[Skip]

Attempted contact afforded you some empowerment and feelings of detachment.

I'm not suggesting that everyone make contact and that "contact" is the magic pill, but if we make detachment the goal and look for ways to do it, we are often surprised where that takes us.

I like the term "do not resuscitate", when we have been left behind.  Keep saying it to yourself - see if it fits.  Once we let go of the idea of resuscitating, there is a move up the detachment ladder.

[Rmbrworst]

I also apologize if I made it seem NC wasn't important or that we should all at some point contact our exBPD.

I was just saying that I think NC, combined with educating myself, therapy, and some soul searching (facing my own abandonment issues), made it so that I felt confident to contact.

I didn't contact him to get him back or try to start the relationship up.  I contacted him just to see where he was at and how he was doing.  That's it.  It felt good to be able to do that and not be anxious or worry about the outcome.  Where he's at now is he doesn't want interaction, and he may never.  That's okay.

I hope that I didn't mean to play down NC.  In fact, I have reset my NC today, and I plan to go 6 weeks NC instead of 3 weeks.  My hope is I will be much further detached by that time and not thinking of him much at all.

Much love.

[Anez]

I like the "do not resuscitate" phrase, skip. Can you tell me more about it? I stopped reaching out to her partly because she never initiates so I was following her lead in communication.

RMBrworst:

Good for you and where you're at. I think you gotta do you and make decisions for yourself and it sounds like you did that and are comfortable with the results. Looks like you're heading in the right direction.

Good stuff.

[kc sunshine]

Oh I like the idea of this being a detachment thread.

Focused detachment day 3 which for me means no contacting her, and no checking social media about her.

Also, going to yoga (heading there right now!)

On the thinking about her rating, I think today was a 6.7, down from yesterday's 7.0 which is good. On the bad side, I found myself thinking/ruminating a bit about my replacement today-- his face in my head, thinking about when they'd see each other etc. That's not good.

[Skip]

No contact is fraught with anxiety. I want to, I won't today, I went 4 days, I want to, etc.

Do not resuscitate is a much lower level, less anxiety ridden place. Its simply, I'm not going to force a a square peg in a round hole. If the other person doesn't want to be with me, I'm not going to jump through hoops to try to change their mind. I give up.

I don't have to "not think about them", I don't have to worry if they send me a text.  I just do let go of trying to hope I can command them back. I let nature take its course.

[Rmbrworst]

I like the "do not resuscitate" phrase, skip. Can you tell me more about it? I stopped reaching out to her partly because she never initiates so I was following her lead in communication.

RMBrworst:

Good for you and where you're at. I think you gotta do you and make decisions for yourself and it sounds like you did that and are comfortable with the results. Looks like you're heading in the right direction.

Good stuff.

You guys have been my rock through this.  

It's so hard to describe this to "real life" family and friends.  I don't think they understand how traumatic it is to be discarded.  It's not a "break up",  it's like ... .being emotionally violated.  It's not just missing someone ... .it's an ache and a hurt that goes deeper.  At some points I lost my grip.  I lost who I was and what I was worth.  My self esteem stripped from me and my value completely degraded.

It's the first breakup that brought me to my knees.

It's the first breakup that made me feel thoughts of suicide ... .

It's bigger than most can realize.

To have you guys around to just understand and know how big this is, has healed me so much.  I am giving you all so much love.  

I'm feeling good about resetting NC and pushing further.

Much love

[Rmbrworst]

I don't have to "not think about them", I don't have to worry if they send me a text.  I just do let go of trying to hope I can command them back. I let nature take its course.

This train of thought is so nice to hear.  Less anxiety, more relaxed ... .truly detach.  I understand what you're saying.

What will be will be ... .

[Anez]

No contact is fraught with anxiety. I want to, I won't today, I went 4 days, I want to, etc.

Do not resuscitate is a much lower level, less anxiety ridden place. Its simply, I'm not going to force a a square peg in a round hole. If the other person doesn't want to be with me, I'm not going to jump through hoops to try to change their mind. I give up.

I don't have to "not think about them", I don't have to worry if they send me a text.  I just do let go of trying to hope I can command them back. I let nature take its course.

This is a great way to think about the situation, skip. Thank you very much for that.

[Skip]

When you are not so attached to the outcome, if frees up space to start doing the postmortem and figure out what can be learned.

I'm not suggesting that this will come easily - but even if you start by just agreeing to give yourself 3 hours of DNR - its a place to start.

[Anez]

I'm gonna work on that mindset, skip. It's already helping. Thank you.

[kc sunshine]

I love that thought of DNR Skip. No contact has been an incredibly anxiety place for me (and not sustainable in the face of her contact). What I don't understand is the relationship of NC to detachment (and a DNR mindset). So many people here say its the only way (or at least the best way).

Rmbrworst: I totally know what you mean. This breakup/discard has taken me to a place of suicidal ideation too (which I hadn't experienced before) . Also brooding, and more likely to get angry at other people I love . Sometimes I wonder if it is some BPD rub-off.

That song "you can't hurry love" has been in mind... .I changed the words to "you can't hurry detachment" to give myself a break today.

[Rmbrworst]

Rmbrworst: I totally know what you mean. This breakup/discard has taken me to a place of suicidal ideation too (which I hadn't experienced before) . Also brooding, and more likely to get angry at other people I love . Sometimes I wonder if it is some BPD rub-off.

I can relate to "BPD rub-off".  I feel like this relationship has literally made me go crazy.  I've gone into a deep depression, I've had suicidal thoughts (although I feel strongly I would not act on them), I've distanced myself from my friends, I've had obsessive thoughts, etc etc etc. 

I feel these things happened because I allowed them to.  I moved my boundaries and sacrificed myself and my self worth, to "love" someone else.  However, catering to someone else's every need, and giving up yourself just to make them happy . . . is not sustainable for a loving relationship.  The man I was before this relationship would NEVER put up with this stuff!  In fact, I had a conversation today with my friends about everything that happened, and they said "We cannot believe you put up with as much as you did.  You have never put up things like this."

That shows me, it takes two to tango.  I made bad decisions, and I take full responsibility.

Slowly . . . day by day . . . I'm feeling better.  Sometimes I go back to square one . ... but when I do it becomes less intense, and when I do cry . . . instead of hours of heavy weeping . . . I am not just wiping away a couple of tears, and moving on.  

Wishing you the best.  So many people here can relate.  I feel like it's called "BPD Family" because this trauma can almost bring us together as one.  We can all relate to each others stories.  Sometimes it's scary how similar they all are.  It's amazing.  

Much Love

[Anez]

Back when the breakup happened I was totally lost, just like you guys. And while I spent some time recently trying to test the waters with her - sending texts a few times - I now know the right thing to do is DNR. She's made it clear through her lack of initiating texts and how she acts at work - she treats me like I'm just some random coworker and not like the man she used to open up to, and travel with, and be intimate with - that she's moved on. I feel lame that it has taken me this long to finally accept it but I had real, honest feelings for her. The pain is still there but it's slowly getting better. Granted I'll feel some pain tomorrow when I hear her for the first time in four days at work, but that's ok. Eventually over time that will be gone.

And if I do feel pain at work I can hop on to this board and get some support from some pretty great people who are going through it too.

Somewhere out there are some special women and men who are eventually gonna come into our lives and have a lot of fun with us. Until then we work on ourselves and keep getting better.

Thanks for your help, all.

[Rmbrworst]

@Anez

It didn't even happen that long ago man.  You're doing way better. 

Accepting this as reality is one of (if not), the most difficult things I have ever done in my life, and I'm sure you probably feel similar. 

Just the fact that you are realizing this for what it really is . . . is amazing progress. 

You deserve so much better.  I bet you're an amazing guy who deserves a way better gal.  It's funny though, it's like all the crap our friends say that's cliche and lame, is true.  Just takes a while to accept it.

I'm just now coming to terms with the "good times".  They were a facade . . . it was like icing and no cake.  The good times were manufactured . . . the true relationship . . . the part that takes real work . . . was consumed by drama, push/pull, emotional abuse and (the worst for me) discarding.

We dont need that mess man . . . no doubt. 

Much love

[Anez]

Thanks RMBrworst:

It's crazy how emotions can swing during all of this but I know something really good has to be on my horizon even tho sometimes that feels really far away.

While things are tough they could be a whole lot worse in the grand scheme of things.

[kc sunshine]

I'll be thinking of you today, Anez, sending you support! Today started a little rough for me, with a wave of sadness about it all, but I'm going to keep on keeping on with the day. Here's to DNR, releasing with grace, and detachment everyone <3.

[Anez]

Just saw her from a distance and heard her laughing it up. the sound of her voice still makes my anxiety kick in. I know over time by brain will push past this addiction and I won't feel that anxiety when i do see her but right now it's still there.

[Anez]

the anxiety is really kicking in and I just almost snapped and looked at her instagram for the first time in weeks. I don't know why I wanted to do it - i know she's not going to post any pictures of her and another guy because she doesn't do that - but I just suddenly wanted to see what she has been up to.

I didn't look at her Instagram, tho. I'm gonna fight thru the urge.

Do. Not. Resuscitate.

Gotta get my mind right starting right now.

Don't ever hook up with people from work, folks!

[once removed]

the anxiety is really kicking in and I just almost snapped and looked at her instagram for the first time in weeks.

Do. Not. Resuscitate.

also, Do. Not. Act out of Anxiety (at least in this case). im genuinely hard pressed to tell you a time that doing so has worked well for me. when i had those urges (i had difficulty not facebook peaking) i turned that into something of a mantra. its not like youre never allowed to look again. its that whatever you see, your anxiety will get worse. it requires a mindset change, which admittedly takes some time.

[Anez]

You're so right, Once.

It's amazing how my brain and body felt when I initially thought LET'S LOOK AT HER INSTAGRAM RIGHT NOW ... .and then I was able to shake it off and not look. But man, that was a rough moment.

but a month ago or so I would have looked. This showed me that I have improved a little bit.