I think he might really be suicidal.

[wishfulthinking]

I divorced my BPDh a couple weeks ago. He had to be removed by police a week ago due to paranoia, I believe brought on by drug use. Anyway, he's threatened suicide before, I've always called his bluff. He is threatening it to make me "get the point". And totally disregarding his kids or anyone else. I took go to a pastor and he got some peace but is back to it because I didn't answer my phone yesterday when I was in the middle of cooking dinner. He came to get things today and left his jewelry I got him. After a LONG discussion I had to go get a new battery for my car (luckily it roll started) so I needed to get going with my day. Before I left he made a snide remark about having another guy (I've never cheated, he's always been severely paranoid about it) and I said wow. He said you'll be saying wow tomorrow morning. I just left. He sped off. He called me twice while I was removing my battery at the store and my purse was in the car, I didn't hear it. He leaves a voicemail about how of course I don't answer and so much for our talk. I ignored it. He called while I was inside buying the new battery and made a comment about having a guy do it because he'd gone to all the parts stores and I wasn't there. I said I'm at... .Right now. But wow. He said yeah wow and hung up. He called again while I was installing my new battery and left a message about how he's throwing the box for his watch In The yard so I can sell it since I only care about money (he barely ever worked) and then said he's sure some other guy is appreciating my (sorry for this) tits,ass,and p---y. And see you in hell, b--ch... .

He's so angry. His mom said she thinks he's going to commit suicide but she's leaving it in Gods hands. She told his first ex this. His first ex said he doesn't know heartbreak because he's never been rejected before and he'll be ok, hopefully. But 10% of BPD go through with suicide and that scares me... .

Help.

[Mutt]

wishfulthinking,

I'm sorry to hear that. I would feel worried too. Its only been a couple of weeks since the marriage got annulled. It sounds like its a sad time.

Did you ask his first wife how long he was like this after getting the divorce judgement?

[wishfulthinking]

Well, Mutt... .

They were never married but together on and off for 14 years. He cheated a lot, drugs, etc. they have kids together. Ultimately, he hadn't loved her in that way for years, but stayed with her for convenience and the kids. She loved him, but she wasn't happy, either and knew he didn't feel the same. She was very young when they met, 17 with a kid of her own already, and she got trapped in the cycle and low self esteem. She and I talk quite a bit. She is concerned for both of us. She has a good heart and really is a lot like me, which is why he probably gravitated to us both.

So, long story short, he left her for another and they never got back together. His choice, so he wasn't rejected. He left the one he left her for because he caught her texting her ex. Again, his choice and honestly, I don't think he really loved her, either. From what he said, and the one conversation I had with her, they were more like friends than a couple.

[Suzn]

This is a difficult spot to be in wishfulthinking. 

Have you had the opportunity to read this thread yet? I always suggest to read it entirely because there are so many good suggestions. One being having a suicide hotline number available to offer someone in distress.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the thread.

[Newton]

hey wishfulthinking ... ... .considering how dysfuntional his cognition/behaviour/life appears... .imo there is little point in attempting to 1st or 2nd guess his true intent to carry out suicidal threats/ideation... .it's just not our responsibility to make that call or 'get it right' each and every time... .

Having experienced said threats from partners, a parent, exs, members of the public in my profession... .I have now decided to always take the responsible decision to absolve myself of responsibility by calling those paid and trained to deal with this (911, 999 etc)... .

If it is a true intent, or not on their part... .appropriate care is provided regardless.  It also sends a clear message to a very troubled person that I care (not always appreciated or understood by them) ... .I will do this as reaction to this behaviour... .plus that I don't feel (or want to be) equipped to deal with it... .

Apologies if you have answered this before and I'm asking again... .is this something you have done?... .could do?... .consistently?... .

[letmeout]

My BPD ex always used suicide threats to try to get his way. He was too much of a narcissist to ever attempt to do so. It was all about the drama... .

[Skip]

His mom said she thinks he's going to commit suicide but she's leaving it in Gods hands. She told his first ex this. His first ex said he doesn't know heartbreak because he's never been rejected before and he'll be ok, hopefully. But 10% of BPD go through with suicide and that scares me... .

Its got to be hard getting that type of answer from his mother.

It would scare me, too. Men can kill themselves in situations like this. It sounds like yesterday was a high stress / high risk day.  

It's a really awkward situation - you're divorced and you want your space, but you will always have some attachment, even in divorce.

Do you think you can talk to him today and encourage him to get some evaluation for the sake of the children and his mom?

[wishfulthinking]

He stopped by my house last night to just say a couple things.  I let him talk until 4 in the morning.  He doesn't want to live, the pain is too much, but he feels right now God is stopping him from doing anything to himself.  He's very irrational and refuses help of any kind and says the only help he needs is from me and God.  I try to remind him about his kids.  I tell him I love and him and always will love him but this isn't the life I can live, it's hurting me and my health, plus letting my daughter think it's ok.  He said he agrees, it's not right to live that way.  But, it's his BPD that causes it, so without counseling, I know it won't be any different except for a month at a time when he might be on good behavior and it will always fall back to what he is.  I tell him that he needs to pull himself up for HIMSELF and not for anyone else because he is worth it and he needs to prove to everyone that he can do this.  He really seems to think he's not worth it, which is sad, but he also could be playing me.  He said he has to help his brother with something today, so today can't be the day and God says to only worry about today.  This man needs help I can't give.  That saddens me and after I told him that I still love him it seems to renew his desire to be with me, but I can't so what do I do with that?  Put him right back where he was?

[Skip]

This has to be hard. I wish I had some advice, but I don't.

I know someone that went through this pattern and did eventually suicide. Everyone in his life got used to the threats - all the signs were there - I don't think any of us thought it possible.

Exiting the home has to be hard, so it may be more acute and start to lift.

Have you dialed his brother in?

You can soothe him for a short time, as you are graciously doing, but you also need  to keep an eye on the end of the tunnel.

[wishfulthinking]

Skip, how do you recommend soothing while keeping an eye on the tunnel?  I am afraid to lead him on, that would not be fair, but I can't lie to him and say that I don't love him for numerous reasons. 

His mom and brother are lazy and selfish, it's no wonder he has BPD(I highly suspect his mom does). 

But, I'm also trying to deal with my own issues from this and settle things down a bit.  I am not joking when I say I have a serious heart problem.  The stress I didn't realize had affected me so negatively.  But after a few days of peace, and NC... .These past few days have sent my body into overdrive and it's really showing me the effects of how my life has been.  I was dizzy, chest pain, coughing, dry heaving, my ears were full and my head buzzed... .all symptoms of the severity of my problem.  This seriously is doing damage to me.  He was kind last night before he left when I had this reaction with him still there.  He tried to help, as he always does, but it made it worse.  My only respite was when he left and I could lie down and try to sleep for the hour and a half in the night I had left before getting up for work.

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex and his struggles.  This has to be so frightening and emotional for you to be dealing with his suicidal thoughts.  It's very kind of you to be there for him right now, especially given all that you are going through with your own grieving.  You are absolutely right, however, that he needs care beyond what you can give him.  He needs professional care.

It sounds like your ex may not be rational enough right now, but given that he is refusing treatment otherwise one thing that might help to nudge him into treatment is to gently talk to him (without blame) about how God often wants us to take the first step in helping ourselves.  God has given us free will and He is often not willing to intrude upon our free will.  He will help us for certain, but we have to take the first step.  We have to exercise our free will.  The real trick in this will be to avoid any blaming or shaming when talking to him.  And he may not be in a stable enough place for it - I don't know.  If he doesn't seem to respond well, I'd immediately drop it.

If you think he really is an imminent danger to himself, don't hesitate to call for emergency help.  That is absolutely the right thing to do if you believe he may act of these thoughts.

Hang in there.  I know this must be a really hard time right now, but we're here to support you.