To those who think their exes are "happy" with the replacement

[Infern0]

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

[steelwork]

If I had to guess, I'd say my ex is grimly applying himself to the task of being a "good man." He loves to punish himself with acts of supreme self-control to make up for the fact that his emotions are actually totally out of control most of the time.

[JSF13]

My ex has been messaging me lately. Told me she replaced me and he gets her and she's not the same anymore... .Yet she's still messaging me. I had explained to her nicely how hurt I was from the relationship and how bad the way she devalued me hurt me but I was happy she met someone. She replied with most people don't realize what they had till its gone and thats probably why i felt that way. She clearly isn't happy and the delusional world she is currently in was astonishing to me. Her whole life is running from one person to the next and she's always the victim. I'm sure this won't be any different either.

[peace74]

I think the goal of us non's who have had a relationship involving BPD should be to heal enough to get to a place that we do wish happiness for ourselves and for the pwBPD.  Just remember that when a pwBPD does achieve "happiness" or seems to, it is usually a mask, based on the superficial or shallow, or fleeting.  This is very sad  :'(

I think the more someone heals and grows as a result of being aware and trying to be healthy, the easier it is to forgive and truly wish good things for the pwBPD.  I have been hurt beyond belief and have had things taken that I've worked years to achieve.  Slowly but surely the anger and pain is fading and true sadness and compassion is what I feel.  However, part of that healing process is to feel your emotions (whatever they may be) and grieve.  

[steelwork]

My ex has been messaging me lately. Told me she replaced me and he gets her and she's not the same anymore... .

Mine also said he felt like he was not the same person anymore. I think that's kind of significant.

[Infern0]

I think the goal of us non's who have had a relationship involving BPD should be to heal enough to get to a place that we do wish happiness for ourselves and for the pwBPD.  Just remember that when a pwBPD does achieve "happiness" or seems to, it is usually a mask, based on the superficial or shallow, or fleeting.  This is very sad  :'(

I think the more someone heals and grows as a result of being aware and trying to be healthy, the easier it is to forgive and truly wish good things for the pwBPD.  I have been hurt beyond belief and have had things taken that I've worked years to achieve.  Slowly but surely the anger and pain is fading and true sadness and compassion is what I feel.  However, part of that healing process is to feel your emotions (whatever they may be) and grieve.  

Understood, and agreed.

However for many on the leaving board they are just beginning their journey, and a manipulation tactic often used by pwBPD to make their former partners feel worse is to try and make them think that they are now happy, and that the non was the one at fault for everything etc.

if the non belives that it can cause deep depression and will hinder recovery, therefore it's important that they know this is almost universally untrue.

[Irish Pride]

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

So you knowingly became the "other guy"? If so, not cool. At all.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks for this thread, Infern0 and everybody, it is good for me to read. Totally appreciate it.

However for many on the leaving board they are just beginning their journey, and a manipulation tactic often used by pwBPD to make their former partners feel worse is to try and make them think that they are now happy, and that the non was the one at fault for everything etc.

if the non belives that it can cause deep depression and will hinder recovery, therefore it's important that they know this is almost universally untrue.

[Infern0]

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

So you knowingly became the "other guy"? If so, not cool. At all.

Sorry, but you don't have the right to judge me

[blissful_camper]

I feel it's important to share this insight with new members.  The painted picture can seem picture-perfect.  The presentation, however, is frequently smoke and mirrors.  A friend once said, "believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see."

[blissful_camper]

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

So you knowingly became the "other guy"? If so, not cool. At all.

It takes courage to share. I admire Inferno's honesty. Coming out of these complex and charged relationships isn't easy.  Let's continue to foster a supportive environment for all.

[Infern0]

Yes I was the other guy

However, I didn't re-engage contact with her knowing the way things would turn out, I realised she was sick but my knowledge of BPD was in it's infancy at this point, I was also heavily codependent at this time. The reason i accepted her contact was as a friend and I was trying to be a caretaker and look out for her because she was sick. (heavy codependence in play)

When the first incident of actual cheating happened it was not planned, and besides the point I had not begun to work on my codependency, and was still deeply bonded to her, I saw the other guy as that he had "stolen" her off me, and i didn't care what happened to him, my opinion was that he was a loser and didn't deserve her, and that he was no good for her and she needed me (fight response, codependent coping mechanism)

I wanted to get her back and my actions were in line with this.

Was I morally wrong?

Well it's a grey area, maybe, maybe not, do I regret some of my actions, yes.

In the end what happened happened, it would not happen this way again, that's for sure.

The point of this thread is to be useful information, I dont have to defend myself from criticism by other board members, however this is an explaination I will offer.

[MakingMyWay]

Thank you for your honest Infern0. Much respect. What you say is very true. What is presented to the outside is very different to what is happening on the inside. Just think back to our own relationships. I can't count the amount of times that people told my ex and I we were "perfect together" even though we had been arguing a few hours beforehand. Heck, we had just posted a photo celebrating our 3 year anniversary with people saying how good we were together. A week later, we were finished.

[blissful_camper]

The take away, for me anyway, was learning the difference between wanting and needing.  Enjoying someone, loving someone, wanting to be with that person is vastly different from needing that person. 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

My ex has been messaging me lately. Told me she replaced me and he gets her and she's not the same anymore... .

Mine also said he felt like he was not the same person anymore. I think that's kind of significant.

They do feel like another person bc they've been slowly starting to mirror the replacements image. When my ex left florida and moved to michigan, within 2 weeks she had a Michigan accent.

The mold is constantly shifting based on their surroundings. I never realized how often she mirrored me whilst in the r/s. Once I started ruminating I realized how frequent it was.

[Targeted]

 I would not judge you for being the other guy !    I think it goes the same for most of us ,   At one point you are "  The guy "  and someone else is the other guy ! "  The guy  "   Gets all of the responsibilities and headaches  while you are only the other guy!    Until the guy  finds out you are the other guy!   Lol

I have some good stories to

[kc sunshine]

yeah, mine is swearing a lot more-- my replacements (she is seeing a couple) must swear!

[Rmbrworst]

If I had to guess, I'd say my ex is grimly applying himself to the task of being a "good man." He loves to punish himself with acts of supreme self-control to make up for the fact that his emotions are actually totally out of control most of the time.

WOW YES!  My exBPD got caught by his boyfriend (who I thought was an ex ... .) and his ex took him back even after he know we had an affair for 6 months.

I'm sure my exBPD is on his BEST behavior right now, being a good little boy, until he cannot stand it anymore, and acts again, or recycles me

[Rmbrworst]

I can relate to everything in this thread.  Sometimes the "other guy" doesn't even realize he's in that position because of manipulation.

It's in the back of your mind, but you ignore signs and you trust the person you "love".

It's all a hot mess

[1minuteatatime]

I can probably shed some light on this because I was actually still around after i was replaced so i have insight into what happens, regardless of the picture painted on instagram

Dumped June 2014 (told she needed to think etc, not completley dumped but i knew in my heart)

July 2014 replaced

july-september NC (honeymoon period)

end of september she starts trying to break NC, gets more and more desperate, i talk to her agree to a friendship, she is already having problems with replacement

october, she starts to express that she "might have made a mistake"... .you think. Emotional affair begins

November, she cheats on him with me for the first time, feigns regret, we dont talk much for a couple of weeks, then she cheats on him with me again

December, he has a nervous breakdown related to he found out she was cheating but i don't think he accepted it and tried not to belive it but he must have known, she goes NC on me for most of the month

January, she contacts me again, resumes emotional affair, begin to explicitly say she wants to leave him and for us to get back together, she begins to claim to me and others that her boyfriend is physically abusing her (almost certain that this was a lie)

February, they break up.

Then our fun and games resumed. you know the rest.

anyways yeah, if it wasn't me being the third part in the triangle it would have been some other guy, only difference is because it was me i got to see how things really are. It should be noted at this time that all her instagram and facebook stuff was about how happy she was and how much she loved her boyfriend etc, so had i not been directly involved i would have been thinking she was happy and beating myself up.

Short version, don't belive what you see, these people are never happy and it's always drama

So you knowingly became the "other guy"? If so, not cool. At all.

Ummmm.  Yeah... .  That is her choice.  and his.  Not judging, here.  If she was married, maybe I say I don't think that's a good idea.  Boyfriend.  meh.

[1minuteatatime]

I feel it's important to share this insight with new members.  The painted picture can seem picture-perfect.  The presentation, however, is frequently smoke and mirrors.  A friend once said, "believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see."

Agree.  Mine was miserable.  Almost always.  Except at the beginning.  I actually think she was miserable then, too.

[Rmbrworst]

Agree.  Mine was miserable.  Almost always.  Except at the beginning.  I actually think she was miserable then, too.

Totally understand where you're coming from here.

[apollotech]

The take away, for me anyway, was learning the difference between wanting and needing.  Enjoying someone, loving someone, wanting to be with that person is vastly different from needing that person. 

Me too blissful_camper. Want is much more healthy than need! In fact I told my ex that once, that she needed me rather than wanted me. She became quite confused and didn't offer a response. I personally don't believe that she had the wherewithal to distinguish between the two states as needing occupied all of her personal relationships.

[Learning Fast]

Apollo and everyone,

My ex confused need and want as well in that she thought the two were the same.  When we were intimate she would many times state that she "needed" me.  That she "wanted" me might have been mentioned once.  Additionally, she always referred to our intimate time together as "making out".  Never once did she describe it as "making love".

LF

[steelwork]

Apollo and everyone,

My ex confused need and want as well in that she thought the two were the same.  When we were intimate she would many times state that she "needed" me.  That she "wanted" me might have been mentioned once.  Additionally, she always referred to our intimate time together as "making out".  Never once did she describe it as "making love".

LF

I don't really know where to put this or what to make of it.

In the moment when my ex was undoing us (though I didn't know yet that I'd been replaced), he referred to what had passed between us -- i.e. years of passionate romance, including many times being told I was the love of his life, proposals of marriage, etc -- as "a crush."

A crush.

When he said that, I was just so confused that I didn't even respond.

[Learning Fast]

Steel,

Sorry about that. I guess we're veering off topic here.

Mine never mentioned the word "crush" vs. "love" in terms of her feelings but since we've been apart (we were together about 2 years, parted last June) and I've become more objectivethat's how I would describe it. 

The capability of pwBPD to become emotionally available so quickly after a relationship indicates that it is more of a crush or infatuation than love as it has no depth or breadth.  It's reminiscent of a high school relationship in that regard which I'm certain is directly linked to their emotional maturity.

Back to topic at hand---it is doubtful that my ex has been happy with either of her replacements.  Her first was an LDR and I suspect she kept that intact as she didn't want to be alone and hadn't found anyone locally yet.  She's been with the replacement's replacement (a local guy) about 2 months or so.  Neither have been the type of guy that she would ideally like to attract.

In some cases I feel that one of the reasons for their unhappiness with replacements is that their "need" trumps "want".  That being said, they in many case settle for "anybody" versus "somebody" due to their attachment need and end up with someone less than desirable. Those in this forum who have either seen, heard of or know the replacement are usually stunned and are in disbelief in how their ex has "downgraded".

LF

[Inharmsway]

Infern0,

You couldn't be more correct. To take it a step further, i think our "exe" arent happy with themselves, period" let alone their replacement(s).  Mine is on replacement # {insert any number here} and still replacing almost 2 years later.

I actualy echo sentiments shared by Fred42 on thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289701.msg12725979#msg12725979

Given the nature of the PD, i find it "most" unlikely that they will ever be happy with anything. Im begining to think that they thrive on the Novelty and high of a new r/s without being fully commited for obvious reasons.

[greenmonkey]

In order for anyone to be happy - you have to be happy with who you are, and love yourself in order to have a healthy relationship.

My uBPDexgf hated herself, she had no idea of who she was, no identity, in her words a "lost soul"

She could have as many replacements as she wants, move as many times as she wanted, have as many shallow "friends" in her life, she would never find that happiness and love. All she is doing is trying to run away from her problems, but they never change as the one constant is her

Her illness just amplifies it and she is the one who can go and get help and improve her life. It is a very sad way to be

[Inharmsway]

Well said greenmonkey, the only constant in this equation "is them" and only they can help themselves.

[shatra]

--

In the moment when my ex was undoing us (though I didn't know yet that I'd been replaced), he referred to what had passed between us -- i.e. years of passionate romance, including many times being told I was the love of his life, proposals of marriage, etc -- as "a crush."

A crush. When he said that, I was just so confused that I didn't even respond.

---Yes, they have a need (especially after they leave) to reduce the relationship on their mind (so it hurts them less to be away from it). So sex is referred to as making out, and a full romantic relationship is refered to as a crush.

   It is confusing, but keep in mind that when you were with them they really felt closer---they are just reducing it now as a defense mechanism. It might be too painful for them to admit how great it was, since right now they don't have it.

  Or it could be the splitting or devaluing?