Please help with any advise on BPD spouse who is self destructing?

[Vette06]

I have been married for 18 years and over the past 7 I have been experiencing deep bouts of rage and anger from my wife who claims she's had enough and is leaving. She doesn't seem to care about children in room when she is yelling and she is dragging me in too, although I have learned to walk away sometimes it is difficult. She is self destructing and is ready to throw it all away it seems, but we have been here before. This has happened many times and I am numb to it by now but want to try and save our family and her still. 3 minors still living at home exposed to all of this too, I feel so helpless and don't know how to fix? I am fairly confident she is experiencing many changes, depression, BPD, Menopause etc. She is 49 years old. I am assuming this sounds one sided but it really isn't and I need some type of assistance to get her help although it may be too late? How can I tell her to go see a doctor which I have and it only makes her more angry?

This is a perfect description to what I am dealing with, very scary!

https://vimeo.com/93028210

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

V,

You say you have been here several times before.  How'd you turn it around?  Has your W ever left before?  Has she ever been hospitalized?  What is different this time?

Don't know if you can fix.  You might be able not to make it worse.  You might be able to make it better for yourself and your kids regardless.

[Vette06]

When she gets really angry she will go live in basement for days and not talk or look at me. My 6 year old daughter goes with typically too and it is very sad, she feels she needs to be there with her for some reason. I will typically go say sorry and try to fix the situation and we go on for a month or so and it repeats, this is becoming more frequent as well.

She says she is seeing a psychologist but I am sure that will not work unless they are very smart and see threw it all. She recently called police on me for false allegation, they did not arrest me and could see through her lies, so sad. I am trying hard to figure this out but am being told mostly that it is impossible. I feel there is always hope and really want to protect my children at all costs.

[teapay]

What you describe doesn't sound one sided, but very familiar to me.  I've been married 12yrs, got five minors at home and my wife has been tanking for the last 7 years or so too.  She has lost alot of functionality over the years.  I've gotten the anger and heard the leaving talk. Not sure how knowledgeable you are about BPD or how much you've tried to tools and other things.  Kids complicate things very much epecially if they are young, it can make you feel hamstrung.   I've tried alot of things.   I can't say my wife has gotten much better over the last few years. But  I have been able to clarify for me what I want and what I want for our kids alittle better and move our family more in that direction in spite of her.  I try to validate and care for her where I can, but won't walk on eggshells or do what I know is not right for me or the family for her sake.  The r/s not worth living that way.  

[united for now]

Being in the home is giving your children some stability that is desperately needed. Ensuring that they feel loved and that they don't blame themselves for what their mom does will help balance out the negatives they see from their mother.

As for getting your wife into treatment? That's a lot harder, since people only seek help for things/issues that "they" perceive as problems, meaning they don't care if "you" think it's a problem.

For now, I'd consider carrying on with your life if/when she goes into the basement, rather than apologizing and trying to woo her back upstairs, since apologizing can often be seen as weakness and overtime it will tip the balance of your relationship in unhealthy ways. 

[Vette06]

Thank you for all your comments, still hoping this will all end well?

I feel so bad for my kids.

[sweetheart]

Hello Vette06,

Here is a brilliant resource for helping you parent more confidently with a wife who has BPD. It provides lots of information on what and how much to tell your children, and how to equip them with tools to protect them emotionally from their mothers illness.

Lessons for members who are Parenting & Co-parenting with a pwBPD

In choosing to stay it is important that our children understand and learn how to navigate the parent with BPD dysregulated behaviours in the same way that we have.

I started equipping my son with age appropriate skills and information when he was 5. He will be 8 next month. He is a grounded, well adjusted little boy. He understands his father is mentally ill and that nothing he has ever done or will do has made his father sad, angry, upset or ill. He also understands that sometimes his fathers behaviour is not normal or usual behaviour because of the mental illness. Our son understands that he cannot make it better for his father when he is unwell, and that it is important to continue with all the things he loves despite his fathers illness.



It is really important not to excuse our SO's behaviours as just upset or explain them away to our children. Being clear with our children when a parent has mental illness will help them understand that this is not usual in other families. They need clarity and age appropriate understanding to ensure that they do not internalise their family dynamic as typical. It is not typical. Help them understand what happens in a typical family and then we can validate that their family set-up can be upsetting and difficult.

There are lots of strategies and help that we can use to better protect our children. Remember we are the well parent and can and should intervene if we feel our children are being exposed to things that are not good for them. It is important that they are allowed to be children for as long as possible.