the outside world may never really understand

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel like I’m making huge improvements, but it’s never linear.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one and if all of this has been a strange dream. 

From my standpoint, there were a lot of things about my ex’s behavior during and after the relationship that were totally bizarre and according to my T, toxic and unhealthy. 

But from an outsider’s perspective, they can all be excusable in some way and maybe it was somehow “my fault” because I didn’t do the things that I was expected to do but never knew I had to.

From my standpoint, I see things in other people’s behavior (especially my FOO) that somewhere along the way convinced me it’s ok to walk on eggshells, suppress my own desires and feelings and let others cross boundaries - and then think it’s my fault for feeling upset (because they would turn it around on me as I confronted them).

I’m struggling to find my own voice amongst all of this.  It’s disorienting. 

Maybe it’s because yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I was alone.  I’ve been dating plenty, but my new resolution is to focus on myself and if someone doesn’t feel like the right person, I’d rather end it quickly than drag it along for fear of being alone. 

Maybe I’m feeling lonely because I’ve been enacting boundaries, and when people don’t heed my warnings, I cut them off.

Not sure what the point of this post is.  I guess it just feels good to express myself among people that will understand what the outside world may not.

[NYCIntrospect]

I feel like I’m making huge improvements, but it’s never linear.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one and if all of this has been a strange dream. 

From my standpoint, there were a lot of things about my ex’s behavior during and after the relationship that were totally bizarre and according to my T, toxic and unhealthy. 

But from an outsider’s perspective, they can all be excusable in some way and maybe it was somehow “my fault” because I didn’t do the things that I was expected to do but never knew I had to.

From my standpoint, I see things in other people’s behavior (especially my FOO) that somewhere along the way convinced me it’s ok to walk on eggshells, suppress my own desires and feelings and let others cross boundaries - and then think it’s my fault for feeling upset (because they would turn it around on me as I confronted them).

I’m struggling to find my own voice amongst all of this.  It’s disorienting. 

Maybe it’s because yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I was alone.  I’ve been dating plenty, but my new resolution is to focus on myself and if someone doesn’t feel like the right person, I’d rather end it quickly than drag it along for fear of being alone. 

Maybe I’m feeling lonely because I’ve been enacting boundaries, and when people don’t heed my warnings, I cut them off.

Not sure what the point of this post is.  I guess it just feels good to express myself among people that will understand what the outside world may not.

[Michelle27]

I am exactly where you are.  Made lots of progress in my healing, but still easily triggered.  Also dating but spent Valentine's day with my kids apart from a casual lunch with a friend.  Dating has just confirmed to me that there are a LOT of men out there with issues of their own that I know I will never want to be involved with.  I too am looking at my boundaries in dating and adjusting as I go because of the obvious mistakes I made with my BPD ex and a subsequent relationship, not with a personality disordered person but a functioning alcoholic.  I'm finding dating to be kind of stressful... .meeting men and experiencing pressure to move too fast for my liking is making me wonder if I should just be alone a while longer. 

By the same token, I can see my own growth and progress in my thought processes as I decide who I will and will not date... .it's more about what I want than what he wants and I'm just going along with it.  That's huge and tells me I'm on the right track.

[Lucky Jim]

But from an outsider’s perspective, they can all be excusable in some way and maybe it was somehow “my fault” because I didn’t do the things that I was expected to do but never knew I had to.

Hey NYCIntrospect, No, I don't accept that the b/u was "your fault," though I wouldn't be surprised if your Ex looks at it that way.  The concept of an "outsider's perspective" is misplaced in the context of BPD, in my view, because most outsiders have no concept of what it is like to be in a r/s with pwBPD.  So, in my view, the normal rules don't apply when it comes to BPD.

Don't beat yourself up!  No, you are not the crazy one.   No need to second-guess yourself.  It takes time, however, to get back to center after the turmoil of BPD, so give yourself a break.

Agree, it's about finding your own voice again, which is an exciting process.  Think of it this way: you are on a journey toward authenticity, in search of you own personal truths, that are yours and yours alone.  Time to be good to yourself.

LuckyJim

[NYCIntrospect]

But from an outsider’s perspective, they can all be excusable in some way and maybe it was somehow “my fault” because I didn’t do the things that I was expected to do but never knew I had to.

Hey NYCIntrospect, No, I don't accept that the b/u was "your fault," though I wouldn't be surprised if your Ex looks at it that way.  The concept of an "outsider's perspective" is misplaced in the context of BPD, in my view, because most outsiders have no concept of what it is like to be in a r/s with pwBPD.  So, in my view, the normal rules don't apply when it comes to BPD.

Don't beat yourself up!  No, you are not the crazy one.   No need to second-guess yourself.  It takes time, however, to get back to center after the turmoil of BPD, so give yourself a break.

Agree, it's about finding your own voice again, which is an exciting process.  Think of it this way: you are on a journey toward authenticity, in search of you own personal truths, that are yours and yours alone.  Time to be good to yourself.

LuckyJim

Really appreciate the response, thank you!  And I'm trying to do more to be good to myself.  And yes, there is excitement in this time to find my own voice.  The reality is that I have a very harsh inner monologue and critic, and only now have I recognized the source.  This is my biggest hurdle to overcome and any insights on that process would be welcome!

[NYCIntrospect]

I'm finding dating to be kind of stressful... .meeting men and experiencing pressure to move too fast for my liking is making me wonder if I should just be alone a while longer. 

By the same token, I can see my own growth and progress in my thought processes as I decide who I will and will not date... .it's more about what I want than what he wants and I'm just going along with it.  That's huge and tells me I'm on the right track.

I too find dating to be stressful, because my boundaries and sensitivity are heightened.  And we should give ourselves some credit because I feel most people don't pay close attention to these concepts... .we have gone through these experiences and have better understood our own needs as a result.

[apollotech]

Lucky Jim:

The concept of an "outsider's perspective" is misplaced in the context of BPD, in my view, because most outsiders have no concept of what it is like to be in a r/s with pwBPD.  So, in my view, the normal rules don't apply when it comes to BPD.

NYC,

I agree with LJ's above statement. The few people, excluding one, that I tried to relate my story to, during and after the relationship, just didn't get it. I think that's common. I believe that's one of the reasons that these boards are such a Godsend to many, they finally realize that they're not alone. As such, we've been in the same trenches that you've been in; we do understand NYC. As LJ and others have posted, take care of yourself on your NEW journey!

[homefree]

Couldn't agree more. This board has been the one place I could go where I know I will be understood and believed. That has been so important during this time.

I certainly sympathize with people in the outside world not understanding. None of it makes any sense, even when you experience it first hand. I've learned a lot since first coming here, but it still makes no sense to me how someone can act like that. I have often been jealous of people I know who have no idea. I wish I didn't either.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Couldn't agree more. This board has been the one place I could go where I know I will be understood and believed. That has been so important during this time.

I certainly sympathize with people in the outside world not understanding. None of it makes any sense, even when you experience it first hand. I've learned a lot since first coming here, but it still makes no sense to me how someone can act like that. I have often been jealous of people I know who have no idea. I wish I didn't either.

Amen.