Looking for information to better understand my partner.

[nosy_parker]

I'm new. The reason I made an account is because I want to understand BPD. I don't have BPD myself, but I am dating someone with BPD who I care about a lot and would like to understand better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi and welcome Nosy_Parker.  I think that you will find out a lot about BPD on these discussion boards.  But, remember that symptoms are on a continuum and not fixed or all present in any one person.  So some things may apply to your relationship and some may not.  There are a lot of informative books and articles recommended here. 

[nosy_parker]

Hey, I'm new to the site. I am dating someone who I've been with for about six months. Before we dated we were friends. She has struggled with depression for a long time and she recently told me that she has BPD.

My relationship with her is absolutely excellent. She's kind, smart, beautiful, and she accepts all my weird quirks. I read some general information about BPD, but I was wondering if anyone had any good information available on understanding BPD. I don't want to make any unreasonable assumptions about BPD and want to be as supportive as I can be. Thank you.     

[Michelle27]

This website is loaded with articles, videos, and others' experiences in relationships with people with BPD. 

You are now in the "idealization" phase which will be wonderful.  But it would be better to go into the relationship knowing what the red flags are, and more importantly how YOU can better be prepared as far as boundaries, etc...   I also advise you to read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.  One of the best books for understanding someone with BPD and surviving.

[nosy_parker]

@Michelle27

Is the book only about conflict? I have not had any problems with conflict at all. Perhaps I should read it either way, but my main concern is her depression and anxiety.

[Skip]

I was wondering if anyone had any good information available on understanding BPD. I don't want to make any unreasonable assumptions about BPD and want to be as supportive as I can be. Thank you.    

This is a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

Trying Loving a Borderline and also BPD Demystified.

[tryingsome]

I think it can be a great thing that she told you she has BPD.

This should work in your favor as you will know the turns and roads a person with BPD will take you. 

People with BPD have good qualities. They have great emotional breadth.

There are many things that make them wonderful partners.

If she does have BPD as she stated, the first is thing to do is learn to be strict and strong with your boundaries and morals. These will be pushed. The more you let them push the worse the relationship will slowly turn. The further the line I the sand is redrawn the more you let them. So stick fast to what you know is right, don't waiver. This is likely a reason they are drawn to you. Remember that!

And the greatest thing about a BPD relationship is really getting know yourself. Getting to know your weaknesses. Getting to know more of the meaning of life and your place in it.

And I think this is the greatest gift they can give you.  It takes a lot of work to see it. And you'll know if you do

[nosy_parker]

@Tryingsome

Thank you. It's good to hear an optimistic side of the story. I'll keep this in mind.

[Turkish]

Hey, I'm new to the site. I am dating someone who I've been with for about six months. Before we dated we were friends. She has struggled with depression for a long time and she recently told me that she has BPD.

My relationship with her is absolutely excellent. She's kind, smart, beautiful, and she accepts all my weird quirks. .     

Would that we all were like this, accepting each other for who we are as individuals.

If you have any specific questions, fire away, we're happy to help.

Turkish

[C.Stein]

She has struggled with depression for a long time and she recently told me that she has BPD.

Has she been "officially" diagnosed with BPD and what steps is she taking to manage it (ex. DBT)?

[nosy_parker]

@C.Stein

She's been officially diagnosed. She's not doing any therapy to manage it that I'm aware. She takes some type of antidepressant and some stuff that helps her sleep, but that's all I really know. I suspect her antidepressants are the cause to her having lower libido, so honestly I'm not a huge fan of them, but I've kept that to myself.  

[Turkish]

That's always a risk, but honestly I'm not afraid of the relationship failing. I care about her alot and I hope things work out, but I know myself very well and am very much my own person. I'll be fine either way. I'm not afraid of my feelings getting hurt. I'll be happy with or without a relationship. I'm too big for any snake to devour.

This is a very key point and a good trait to have. This, after all, the Improving Board  

Too many of us fall into patterns of co-dependency, or less severe, rescuing. Being ahead of the game, arming ourselves with knowledge, and learning the tools can help immensely. Take a look at the lessons to the right of the board if you haven't already. They help me be a better co-parent with my uBPDx (only diagnosed with depression), and they help me deal with my BPD (and depression, PTSD, and some other things), mother.

We have a lot of members here in pain. I came here in pain, and in some ways still am, even periodically angry. The other name for this site is bpdfamily.com. To me, that means not only who others are, but who we are as well; additionally, realizing that despite who someone else is, we can only control ourselves.

In any r/s, issues arise as it progresses. There may be setbacks as there are in any r/s. We're here to support you in any way which we can.  

Our goal here is about preserving relationships. Every family kept intact means that much less pain and drama not only in our lives, but in society as well. My family was broken, but being centered has helped shield a lot of it from our children. Sometimes people detach to keep themselves out of danger, and that's sometimes necessary. Stories are as different as are individuals, even if we all came here due to the commonality of BPD.

You sound grounded enough to face the facts here, which are that you can control only what you can control, and accept only that which you are willing to accept. These are choices,.and they belong to you alone.

We do have success stories. Perhaps the stories will be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

T

[nosy_parker]

@Turkish

In a way, I feel frustrated with some of the posts on the internet and forums in general. I don't mean to get all sappy, but I genuinely feel like I might be in love for the first time. I guess I just feel defensive. Our whole relationship is so odd that it even happened.

We first met in a party house. I know it sounds bad, but we used to do drugs together and that sort of a thing. It was more of a experimental thing for me, but she was addicted and I didn't really know how much of a problem it was. I started college after I got laid-off at a mine that shut down. I dated a different girl and we didn't see each other very much for a long time. I eventually ended my relationship with my prior girlfriend, she was sort of a boring stoner type that had no motivation.

Anyway, I ended up contacting my current girlfriend. It turned out that she had left her job from stress leave. She got depression so bad that she was suicidal and was in the hospital for a while. She got out and I contacted her out of the blue when she didn't have a lot of friends around. I always found her interesting, and had a crush on her for a while. We hung out a lot, and I didn't want to ask her out because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. She seemed interested at one point, but not another. She invited me over one night and we ended up having sex and she actually asked me out.

It's seems so surreal. I shouldn't be some supportive guy who goes to college, takes care of himself, and buys her flowers; I'm the guy who used to do drugs with her at parties. I have Aspergers, so if I fit the stereotype of Aspergers and she fit the stereotype of BPD then we should be some couple where no one communicates properly, she emotionally explodes all over the place, and I can't read any of those emotions. This isn't the case though.

She is also mature about her emotions, understands boundaries well, and is a kind person. I don't mean to go on a rant, but I feel like that gives some background information. I'm mostly here because the severe depression thing really worries me.