Why can´t they be supportive?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey, guys! I need someone to explain something to me. Why can´t pwBPD be supportive? Is it because they lack empathy? My ex was very negative and totally unsupportive of me (emotionally). When I told him "I can´t be with a man who doesn´t support me" I saw a sad and dissapointed/desperate look on his face, as if he thinks that this is something he is not able to give me. But why? He then agreed he would do it, but it wasn´t heartfelt and later he just went back to his old behaviour which was a deal-breaker for me.

I read somewhere that BPDs have bad emotional intelligence and they believe if they make someone feel good, they will leave, is that it?

So, if anyone can explain this to me because I find it really odd.

Thanks!

[lala42]

Hey, guys! I need someone to explain something to me. Why can´t pwBPD be supportive? Is it because they lack empathy? My ex was very negative and totally unsupportive of me (emotionally). When I told him "I can´t be with a man who doesn´t support me" I saw a sad and dissapointed/desperate look on his face, as if he thinks that this is something he is not able to give me. But why? He then agreed he would do it, but it wasn´t heartfelt and later he just went back to his old behaviour which was a deal-breaker for me.

I read somewhere that BPDs have bad emotional intelligence and they believe if they make someone feel good, they will leave, is that it?

So, if anyone can explain this to me because I find it really odd.

Thanks!

[once removed]

hey lala42 

personally, i think it takes a strong sense of self to be truly supportive to someone. people with BPD do not lack empathy, though emotional immaturity may involve a fair amount of self centeredness (as opposed to selfishness). my ex had lots of very nurturing qualities (her best friend described her as "so nurturing", was a brilliant gift giver, very thoughtful, pretty good sense of give and take. however if i were ever emotionally hurting, i sensed that she really wasnt there with me at all (i remember early on her turning the spotlight to herself) and as if the extent to which she had any interest, it was like a soap opera to her. she would also sometimes start fights in the midst of the worst which would boggle my mind. emotional unavailability puts a person in a limited place when it comes to expressing empathy.

it doesnt feel good when you try to open up to someone and they arent there with you emotionally. it feels awful and invalidating when you try to open up to someone and theyre negative and unsupportive. how did it make you feel?

[Euler2718]

I think you asked "why" but I don't know.

Anyway, mine would pull away, I felt so bad I just wanted her to stroke my head when I stuck it in her lap. She got the "far away eyes", of course.

One thing she did was tell me that "people" (her) would always let me down, so I needed to turn to God. In other words, let God take care of the parts of the relationship she couldn't do. Hmmmph.

[Thread]

They don't believe or have security in themselves so it's hard to do that with others!

It's like asking someone who doesn't know how to swim to go swimming with you! They just don't have the tools or experience to do it!

Also I just wrote a similar post and the responses were pretty accurate, people with BPD often feel left behind and are worried when you are succeeding that you will leave them behind once you realize how awesome you are. Fear of abandonment.

[HarleypsychRN]

Hey, guys! I need someone to explain something to me. Why can´t pwBPD be supportive? Is it because they lack empathy? My ex was very negative and totally unsupportive of me (emotionally). When I told him "I can´t be with a man who doesn´t support me" I saw a sad and dissapointed/desperate look on his face, as if he thinks that this is something he is not able to give me. But why? He then agreed he would do it, but it wasn´t heartfelt and later he just went back to his old behaviour which was a deal-breaker for me.

I read somewhere that BPDs have bad emotional intelligence and they believe if they make someone feel good, they will leave, is that it?

So, if anyone can explain this to me because I find it really odd.

Thanks!

Mine used to tell me "it's not my job to make you happy in this relationship". My belief (and now I have more understanding) was that she was just unable. She had no empathy either, none, except for cats whom she though were the greatest creatures on God's green earth.

[joeramabeme]

Looks like there are a number of similar, but not the same, responses.  My guess is that there are likely different scenarios that trigger different responses and this is probably a function of an individuals personal history that gets intertwined with their BPD traits.  (versus a global statement such as pwBPD aren't supportive)

My ex was extraordinarily supportive in many situations, yet in others, she could be very un-supportive - even detrimental.  Looking back, I believe the difference in her responses were a function of how she viewed herself in relation to the support I was needing.  This is an oversimplification but in broad terms; if she did not feel threatened then she was aces - couldn't ask for anyone better.  But if she felt threatened or triggered not only would she not be supportive but would be prone to tear me down. 

As Once Removed mentioned, it is self centeredness, not selfishness that motivated the response type.  I do not believe she knew how starkly different her ways of being could vary from one situation to another.  Like your ex's "look of sad", sometimes my ex looked perplexed by my reactions. 

[hurting300]

hey lala42 

personally, i think it takes a strong sense of self to be truly supportive to someone. people with BPD do not lack empathy, though emotional immaturity may involve a fair amount of self centeredness (as opposed to selfishness). my ex had lots of very nurturing qualities (her best friend described her as "so nurturing", was a brilliant gift giver, very thoughtful, pretty good sense of give and take. however if i were ever emotionally hurting, i sensed that she really wasnt there with me at all (i remember early on her turning the spotlight to herself) and as if the extent to which she had any interest, it was like a soap opera to her. she would also sometimes start fights in the midst of the worst which would boggle my mind. emotional unavailability puts a person in a limited place when it comes to expressing empathy.

it doesnt feel good when you try to open up to someone and they arent there with you emotionally. it feels awful and invalidating when you try to open up to someone and theyre negative and unsupportive. how did it make you feel?

This was triggering for me, I told my ex a lot that she was a terrible person to talk to my problems about because she just could not sympathize with me.

[Dragon72]

I find it frustrating that when I go home and have had a tough day, I'll explain the problem and my uBPDw will always respond to say how I'm doing it all wrong and that I should be doing x or y instead.  She always tries to solve the problem as she sees it.

I do welcome input from a fresh perspective, but most of the time I just want someone to sympathise with the tough time I'm having and assure me that I am capable of meeting my challenges.  I never get that.  I always feel like she thinks that I am inadequate when I share my problems with her.

[joeramabeme]

I find it frustrating that when I go home and have had a tough day, I'll explain the problem and my uBPDw will always respond to say how I'm doing it all wrong and that I should be doing x or y instead.  She always tries to solve the problem as she sees it.

I experienced the same situation.  She wanted to solve most problems that I brought to discussion.  I think there was a deep discomfort for her in having unanswered questions; it is best described in the trait that talks about not having an internal core that is not anchored.  Questions and problems create uncertainty and anxiety - something to be rid of, not addressed. 

One time I asked her a question about a harmless topic and she got really angry with me.  I responded, why are you so angry at my question and acting this way.  She said if you have a question than you are out of control.  I started to belly laugh real hard b/c I thought she was playing with me, she wasn't.  She then launched into a monologue about how my asking a question indicates that I am out of control and so therefore she needs to control me.  I was stunned.  I truly did not know what to say other than logically explain that this is not the case.  I know she did not understand my explanation.  And like so many other times, I was perplexed about what she was thinking and how she could come up with that response.

Most importantly, it is not about you or your needs, rather, their reactions to perceived uncertainty that creates anxiety that has to be quieted.  If you can step back, try not to address the literal response, rather, address the emotion or feeling that the response has illicited - this is what your BPD other is talking to you about.   This is difficult b/c how do you get your needs met?  That is part of what we learn here about how to communicate more effectively when our loved one is a pwBPD.

[lala42]

One time I asked her a question about a harmless topic and she got really angry with me.  I responded, why are you so angry at my question and acting this way.  She said if you have a question than you are out of control.  I started to belly laugh real hard b/c I thought she was playing with me, she wasn't.  She then launched into a monologue about how my asking a question indicates that I am out of control and so therefore she needs to control me. 

Lol, what?

[hergestridge]

The mood swings play a big part in this. I remember when I was my with BPD(now ex)wife, she could sometimes be supportive if it was a good day for her. But if it wasn't, she would just fail to respond to whatever problem I came to her with. At worst, she came up with a polite answer as if talking to a stranger.

And let's say I needed her to support me through something that lasted say... .18 hours. She could be supportive for the first few hours then all of a sudden she would act as if I had forced her to into what she was doing.

She promised things, regretted what she had promised and took it out on the person who "made her promise". Support requires endurance and consistency.

My current girlfriend is another world. I can put my head in her lap and she will support me. She will provide both comforting words and supportive actions. I think it's normal actually.

[hergestridge]

I think I must add something to my previous post. When I think back I remember that my exwife used to complain that I was not supportive of her. It was one of the big problems she had with me that she actually voiced and I tried to take seriously.

The thing is she used to make enemies everywhere and get into fights. This often happened in her workplace and she handled this by talking a lot about quitting her job.

First I felt that the conflicts she got herself into was at least partly her own fault and I just had to tell her. For this she thought of me as unsupportive. Second I was worried about her losing her job because that would ruin our economy. I also told her, place don't get yourself fired (it was close, often). This also made me unsupportive.

Her expectations on me was that I was going to support her and believe in her. I could have done this if it wasn't for the fact that that I didn't always believe her and that the actions she planned was often impossible for me to support.

She expected a lot of support but wouldn't give much support herself. I once told her and she agreed. She asked why I didn't support her art. I told her she had never paid much attention to *my* art in the first place (I started out earlier than her), so what did she expect? She reacted like "Ok, that's fair".

[hopealways]

BPD definitely lack empathy.  Mine had zero. My BPD friend also has zero.  They just process things in a very different way.  They are also too focused on surviving to be able to support you emotionally.  And how can someone be supportive emotionally when they are emotionally arrested themselves?

[gotbushels]

One time I asked her a question about a harmless topic and she got really angry with me.  I responded, why are you so angry at my question and acting this way.  She said if you have a question than you are out of control.  I started to belly laugh real hard b/c I thought she was playing with me, she wasn't.  She then launched into a monologue about how my asking a question indicates that I am out of control and so therefore she needs to control me. 

Lol, what?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This is so colourful. Thank you!

[gotbushels]

[... .]  I never get that.  I always feel like she thinks that I am inadequate when I share my problems with her.

Let me help you figure that our Dragon72.

Feeling inadequate is pretty disempowering.

This is even worse when you're trying to share problems.

This question might be hard. What does she do to you that makes you feel that she thinks you're inadequate?