Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 02:12:24 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Does the NC help to accept the break up?  (Read 4039 times)
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2016, 04:10:24 PM »

I know

A friend of mine could put us up, so that's ok. I also know someone who offered me a room with a private bath in their basement, so I feel ok should I couldn't go back to my place before the 17.

Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2016, 06:17:14 AM »

I spoke with the T yesterday and it helped me a lot. I finally recognized that it is such a lack of respect from him to write me dozens of emails each day when I said that I wanted to not communicate with him. He could send one or 2 emails saying that he loves me and bla bla bla, but sending me all these emails, sometimes with one sentence only is responding to HIS needs, not mine.

It was the same with all the text messages he used to send me when we didn't live together, it was so energy consuming for me, it was like a mental torture.

He has never considered MY needs, never. It has always been about HIS emotional needs. For the rest, I was like a princess, he was taking good care of me.

And it is also a way of trying to control me by emailing me like this. I have let him get the control of me... .

And now, I am not anymore depressed by his emails, but angry.

I will write him an email telling him clearly what I feel and what I want and that's it. He doesn't want to understand because he denies what I want? too bad.
Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2016, 06:30:40 AM »

It is understandable that he is trying to hold onto something he feels he needs.  He is desperate to maintain some type of connection with you, not all that different than a child being separated from a parent for the first time.  Like a parent though you have to be firm in your resolve.  If you can see this for what it is maybe it will be easier for you to handle the onslaught? 
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2016, 06:48:10 AM »

And now, I am not anymore depressed by his emails, but angry.

I will write him an email telling him clearly what I feel and what I want and that's it. He doesn't want to understand because he denies what I want? too bad.

There you go, anger is good!  And notice the depression passed, and the anger will too, all part of the grieving process on the way to detachment.

And we could say that a borderline's behavior is disrespectful, focused entirely on his needs, and controlling, which it is, and digging a little further we can see how he doesn't have a choice, with a chaotic and unstable sense of self and emotions he can't soothe, he's flailing against the reality of living with a mental illness.  Sad really, and one of the next emotions you might experience is shock at how far into that you went, how enmeshed you got, which is very eye opening, like what the hell was I doing?  Then we get to cut ourselves some slack, go easy on ourselves, we didn't know, we'd never experienced something like that before, or maybe we had, it reminds us of how we grew up; something to think about moving forward, great fuel for growth.  Take care of you!
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2016, 11:35:08 AM »

And now, I am not anymore depressed by his emails, but angry.

I will write him an email telling him clearly what I feel and what I want and that's it. He doesn't want to understand because he denies what I want? too bad.

There you go, anger is good!  And notice the depression passed, and the anger will too, all part of the grieving process on the way to detachment.

And we could say that a borderline's behavior is disrespectful, focused entirely on his needs, and controlling, which it is, and digging a little further we can see how he doesn't have a choice, with a chaotic and unstable sense of self and emotions he can't soothe, he's flailing against the reality of living with a mental illness.  Sad really, and one of the next emotions you might experience is shock at how far into that you went, how enmeshed you got, which is very eye opening, like what the hell was I doing?  Then we get to cut ourselves some slack, go easy on ourselves, we didn't know, we'd never experienced something like that before, or maybe we had, it reminds us of how we grew up; something to think about moving forward, great fuel for growth.  Take care of you!

I did ask myself how I could have supported these behaviours for so long. I was very sad to realize it was because I had a lack of self esteem and that I didn't "love" myself as much as I loved my BF. For the moment, I don't blame me. I take it as a very important wake-up call, a lesson that I learned the hard way and that it probably took me this king do relationship to be able to see more clearly in me. For sure it will make me grow.

Thank you for all your kind words. I know that I will very soon go better.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #35 on: March 05, 2016, 12:25:38 PM »

Hey Isa-

Excerpt
I did ask myself how I could have supported these behaviours for so long. I was very sad to realize it was because I had a lack of self esteem and that I didn't "love" myself as much as I loved my BF. For the moment, I don't blame me.



And you really don't ever need to "blame" yourself, you can just decide that this experience gave you information about yourself you didn't know before, which you can now use to grow, on the way to creating the life of your dreams.  And there's no hurry, best to just settle into the new improved you and a comfortable pace.

Excerpt
I take it as a very important wake-up call, a lesson that I learned the hard way and that it probably took me this king do relationship to be able to see more clearly in me. For sure it will make me grow.

Yes, many of us consider that the gift of the relationship, something to look forward to as you detach.
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #36 on: March 05, 2016, 04:15:05 PM »

I think that I need to maintain the NC. Or should I say go back to NC.

This morning, I wrote an email to my BF telling him again why I left and I said that he may print my email to bring it to his next session with the T to work on understanding why he sees hope (to go back together) where there is no hope.

He understood and asked some more questions which I answered by telling him that I had already given the same answers to him.

Then, what I said and what he seemed to have understood apparently disappeared in his head. And back again with the same song... .He doesn't want to lose me etc.

So, no choice. Talking to him and answering his questions doesn't work... .Should I say no each time like we do with small kids when we want them to stop doing something?

Or NC is the best?

Back to square one with my first question in this topic... .

I think I will try repeating that no, we don't go back together and if he misses me, that's the effect of the BREAK-UP!

And then, if he insists, I will have no choice to go NC

Or I go NC right away... .
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #37 on: March 05, 2016, 05:07:44 PM »

So, you left without telling him? Who wouldn't freak out? I think it would be a good idea to at let him know it's over.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #38 on: March 05, 2016, 06:29:46 PM »

there is no hope.

To a borderline "there is no hope" means total abandonment, the worst thing that can happen, so:

Excerpt
Then, what I said and what he seemed to have understood apparently disappeared in his head. And back again with the same song... .He doesn't want to lose me etc.

he had a strong emotional reaction to that abandonment, couldn't soothe it, and so went back to the tools he's been perfecting his whole life to feel better: cognitive distortion, compartmentalization, denial, whatever else, to make the feelings just go away.

Excerpt
Or NC is the best?

I think I will try repeating that no, we don't go back together and if he misses me, that's the effect of the BREAK-UP!

And then, if he insists, I will have no choice to go NC

Or I go NC right away... .

If the relationship is over there really is no need to talk to him at all, except he's in your house and needs to get out, but beyond that, no need.  Whether or not you continue communicating with him is something you control, and it's helpful to look at your desire to continue to, which you've done, but continue looking, since you wouldn't be doing it unless you were getting something out of it.  You've mentioned you want to know how he takes things, and is there anything beyond that?
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #39 on: March 05, 2016, 06:59:42 PM »

So, you left without telling him? Who wouldn't freak out? I think it would be a good idea to at let him know it's over.

Of course I told him that I was breaking up and that is over. He just doesn't want to accept it
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #40 on: March 05, 2016, 07:04:06 PM »

there is no hope.

To a borderline "there is no hope" means total abandonment, the worst thing that can happen, so:

Then, what I said and what he seemed to have understood apparently disappeared in his head. And back again with the same song... .He doesn't want to lose me etc.



he had a strong emotional reaction to that abandonment, couldn't soothe it, and so went back to the tools he's been perfecting his whole life to feel better: cognitive distortion, compartmentalization, denial, whatever else, to make the feelings just go away.

Or NC is the best?

I think I will try repeating that no, we don't go back together and if he misses me, that's the effect of the BREAK-UP!

And then, if he insists, I will have no choice to go NC

Or I go NC right away... .


If the relationship is over there really is no need to talk to him at all, except he's in your house and needs to get out, but beyond that, no need.  Whether or not you continue communicating with him is something you control, and it's helpful to look at your desire to continue to, which you've done, but continue looking, since you wouldn't be doing it unless you were getting something out of it.  You've mentioned you want to know how he takes things, and is there anything beyond that?

For the moment, we still need to talk about the belongings we bought together and about his moving out ( I will have to know if he really leaves on the 15 and agree on how to get back the key of the house)

So I might communicate with him only to speak about logistic and money

Sorry, I didn't understand what the last 2 sentences (after "whether... ." meant.

English is my second language so I may miss some parts, sorry
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #41 on: March 05, 2016, 07:34:41 PM »

For the moment, we still need to talk about the belongings we bought together and about his moving out ( I will have to know if he really leaves on the 15 and agree on how to get back the key of the house)

So I might communicate with him only to speak about logistic and money

Sorry, I didn't understand what the last 2 sentences (after "whether... ." meant.

English is my second language so I may miss some parts, sorry

No problem, your English is fine. 

You said:
Excerpt
I wrote an email to my BF telling him again why I left and I said that he may print my email to bring it to his next session with the T to work on understanding why he sees hope (to go back together) where there is no hope.

He understood and asked some more questions which I answered by telling him that I had already given the same answers to him.

  which is emotional communication, and it can be beneficial to discover why you did that.  I know, this is pretty new, you only left him recently, it's normal, and as you go through this it can help to look at why you do what you do from a detached, unemotional place, curious, seeing what you can learn about yourself.

Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #42 on: March 05, 2016, 10:50:43 PM »

So, you left without telling him? Who wouldn't freak out? I think it would be a good idea to at let him know it's over.

Of course I told him that I was breaking up and that is over. He just doesn't want to accept it

Ok, you did your job as a responsible human being. I would give closure one more shot. If that doesn't work you have no choice but to ignore it.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #43 on: March 06, 2016, 05:59:34 AM »

Fromheeltohealth, I may have had emotional communication but I don't want to be unemotional and cold with him. For me, being this way would mean  that I don't even care about him, that he doesn't count for me and this is not true. I don't hate him. I may feel anger about his behaviours, but not who he is as a person

But as this emotional communication seems to not work, I will be more factual, speaking only about the house and our belongings, not in a cold way, but nothing regarding my emotions nor his

Hurting

I may tell him again when he would have left the house and gave me back the key. I will probably ignore his emotional emails or emails with questions I have already answered.

Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #44 on: March 06, 2016, 06:07:44 AM »

9 emails from him this morning (sent last night... .)

Friday, there were 17 emails during the day... .
Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #45 on: March 06, 2016, 06:46:17 AM »

9 emails from him this morning (sent last night... .)

Friday, there were 17 emails during the day... .

Yikes ... .How are you doing today after reading them?
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #46 on: March 06, 2016, 07:36:57 AM »

9 emails from him this morning (sent last night... .)

Friday, there were 17 emails during the day... .

Yikes ... .How are you doing today after reading them?

I make comments to myself. Like he said that he never would have left the way I did (what an unacceptable way of breaking up!) and I thought: yeah, right, you have done so much worse during the past 3 years!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #47 on: March 06, 2016, 08:25:36 AM »

I make comments to myself. Like he said that he never would have left the way I did (what an unacceptable way of breaking up!) and I thought: yeah, right, you have done so much worse during the past 3 years!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

You did what you felt was necessary under the circumstances.  Don't let him make you feel guilty for this.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #48 on: March 06, 2016, 10:57:37 AM »

I may have had emotional communication but I don't want to be unemotional and cold with him. For me, being this way would mean  that I don't even care about him, that he doesn't count for me and this is not true. I don't hate him. I may feel anger about his behaviours, but not who he is as a person

But as this emotional communication seems to not work, I will be more factual, speaking only about the house and our belongings, not in a cold way, but nothing regarding my emotions nor his

Yes, I understand.  How you care about someone and let them go at the same time, a letting go with caring, can be a difficult, difficult to find the balance.  A challenge can be not getting emotionally involved yourself, the ideal being conducting business while being emotionally warm and caring, while staying emotionally detached yourself; you seem grounded and capable of that right now.

Excerpt
I make comments to myself. Like he said that he never would have left the way I did (what an unacceptable way of breaking up!) and I thought: yeah, right, you have done so much worse during the past 3 years! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Nice focus!  That is you staying emotionally detached.
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #49 on: March 06, 2016, 11:26:39 AM »

You know that this website Lifts so much my spirit and helps me heal my pain thanks to you who take the time to encourage me.

I do feel grounded even if I know that I am depressed. But I will take good care of myself, that s for sure. Last email from my bf said that he is sure I am making a huge mistake. Not!

I know a better life is coming soon. I start very slowly to make plans as a someone would do after a serious injury or a serious illness. It is a recovery.
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #50 on: March 08, 2016, 08:33:12 AM »

It's been 2 weeks already. It is going fast. I am planning to go back to my place on March 16 and on the 17, I am back to work. My doctor told me that if I would stay longer away from work, I will would be much more difficult to go back. It is easy to fall into a more serious depression.

So this morning, I went in a coffee shop to have a latte and read the paper and I will do my grocery and go back "home" to rest until I pick up my child at school this afternoon.

I take it easy... .
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #51 on: March 08, 2016, 05:26:01 PM »

Today, I felt that my BF was more quiet, sliding slowly toward the acceptation of the break up. Of course, tomorrow is another day, so will see.

He said that my place will be all mine on the 16. He is supposed to finish everything to free the place in the morning.

I will have only the afternoon left to bring back my things. But that s ok, I know that it could have been worse and that I am lucky to be able to go back so soon
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #52 on: March 08, 2016, 06:09:16 PM »

That sounds good Isa, let's hope it goes smoothly and he keeps his distance, then you can get settled in your home and continue detaching and healing.
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #53 on: March 08, 2016, 07:35:31 PM »

Yes, we will keep our fingers crossed

However, he told me many times today ( by email) that he wanted to make love with me, asked me many times if I was still attracted by him and if I would like to have sex with him   
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #54 on: March 08, 2016, 07:59:27 PM »

Yes, we will keep our fingers crossed

However, he told me many times today ( by email) that he wanted to make love with me, asked me many times if I was still attracted by him and if I would like to have sex with him   

So hopefully you have a plan to stop reading those once you're back in your home?
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #55 on: March 09, 2016, 06:13:23 AM »

Yes, we will keep our fingers crossed

However, he told me many times today ( by email) that he wanted to make love with me, asked me many times if I was still attracted by him and if I would like to have sex with him   

So hopefully you have a plan to stop reading those once you're back in your home?

The only plan I could have is to not read it. I think I have an option in my email box to redirect them autmoatically in a file as soon as they arrive. I keep them in case I need to go to the police to oblige him to not contact me. These emails will be the proof I tell the truth.

Yesterday was a better day for me, so I responded to some emails. Today, it is more a "bad" day, feeling tired of not sleeping well because of a cold I have, so I will not read them.

I booked a therapeutic massage at 9 am for a hour and I lunch with a friend, so I should be ok
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #56 on: March 09, 2016, 08:03:23 AM »

Yes, keeping documentation in case you need it is a good plan Isa, and you can also intentionally shift the focus towards your bright future, a future without him in it, that way you'll be moving towards something instead of away from something else, all part of the process.  And a massage and lunch with a friend sounds good!  Take care of you!
Logged
Isa_lala
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 280


« Reply #57 on: March 09, 2016, 07:18:40 PM »

Everyday is different... .Today, he wants to invite me for a dinner and make plans for summer vacations with me! He still hopes that we will work the things out

It's like a nightmare except that I won't wake up !
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #58 on: March 09, 2016, 10:14:36 PM »

Everyday is different... .Today, he wants to invite me for a dinner and make plans for summer vacations with me! He still hopes that we will work the things out

It's like a nightmare except that I won't wake up !

Extinction burst, he's thinking of everything he possibly can to persuade you.  Just think, a week from now you'll be back in your home, and it will be time to decide if engaging with him, even reading his emails, is helping or hurting your detachment and healing; the nightmare ends when you say so, but not until then.
Logged
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #59 on: March 10, 2016, 02:48:07 AM »

You say you have a habit of putting the needs of others before your own. And the question you ask here is how to make your partner accept the break-up.

I think you should ask yourself what you want and what you need instead of considering your ex partner's needs. You say are bored and dissatisfied with your ex partner, so I assume you don't want to have contact with him. Then don't have contact with him.

What he wants should not be important to you. He is your ex partner now. No matter how persistent his attempts to contact you, he shouldn't be able to make his situation your problem.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!