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Author Topic: Does the NC help to accept the break up?  (Read 4041 times)
Isa_lala
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« on: February 28, 2016, 05:19:35 PM »

It's been a week since I left the house and broke up with my BPD BF and he doesn't stop begging me to give him, to give us another chance, that he will see a T (yeah... .) and so on.

I received something like 20 emails today.

I am torn between the will of telling him that I even lost interest in the rs, that it is not anymore only the matter of consulting but I am bored in the rs. Of course, the feeling of abandonment + the feeling of being rejected will be explosive. Or, I just repeat in one sentence that I am not coming back and I am going for NC for a little while, accepting to speak with him only to discuss when he moves out... .

Would NC help him to accept the break up?
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2016, 06:03:40 PM »

Each pwBPD is different and I don't know your story.  But, NC is used to give yourself time/distance to detach and heal from the failure of the r/s.  Of course, it isn't used as punishment. I don't think this is your case, I'm just restating.

I think sending him a response saying you aren't interested in working out the r/s and you understand what he's saying.  You can either choose at that point to go NC for X length of time (or forever, if that's what you wish) or you can tell him you will discuss it with him on a certain day/time for closure.  When I decided to officially end my r/s with J, I told her that we had to end and I would be speaking with her until the end of the month (this was the last week of December). After that, I planned to go NC for a couple of months and told her we could speak on whatever level was comfortable to us after that.  

Of course, I waffled because she was so lucid, but I held firm that I wasn't going to get back into a r/s with her.  There was intermittent discussion between us for the month of Jan and early Feb.  I finally went full NC after I found out she had replaced me (started up in early December from what I've been told... .so we were in 'limbo' and she went on a couple of dates with another guy, not my replacement, that prompted our official end... .it's a long twisted story by itself) even though she was tiptoeing around wanting another chance with me (the entire time).  So, don't think he's experiencing it the way he says he is as a word of caution.

Keep us posted.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2016, 06:31:47 PM »

I received something like 20 emails today.

That's called an extinction burst Isa.  He's feeling abandoned, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, he's freaking out, and he's using everything he can think of to pull you back.

Excerpt
Would NC help him to accept the break up?

Nothing will help soothe his feelings of abandonment except you going back to him, which you're not going to do, or him finding another attachment.  So best to focus on what's best for you.

The best thing to tell him is very little, something like: "I need to live my own life right now and I'd appreciate it if you don't contact me", and then remove all of the ways he could contact you, so you can detach and heal.  I know you have some logistics to figure out, and those should be strictly business.

For reference, when I left my ex I was done, done, done, and she continued to try and contact me for 9 months after I left her, I never responded, and she eventually stopped.  Sad, but we are dealing with mental illness here.  Take care of you!
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2016, 06:40:37 PM »

Thank you

I know that he is freaking out with me leaving him. Fear of abandonment

The thing is that I don't "blossom" in this rs, I feel bored more and more.

I think I will briefly say that I understand his pain but I am not coming back and that we need to take a few days without contact to be able to heal.

The positive thing here is that I feel strong and I have no doubt that I made the right choice.
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GreenEyedMonster
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« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2016, 07:28:15 PM »

NC is a way to unequivocally show the other person that the relationship is OVER.  If the attachment to you works like an addiction, that person will encounter your NC repeatedly and eventually internalize that what they need can no longer be obtained from you.  So in that sense, yes, it does.  That's why it's so important to hold firm.  Intermittent reinforcement -- where you give in occasionally -- actually makes behaviors worse than almost any other kind of reinforcement.

Eventually, either the other person's brain chemistry will level out, or they will find another source.
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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2016, 08:53:12 PM »

I've received about 60 text messages/gmails from my ex over the past weekend after I told her NC ( with no replies of any kind from me ).

Handful of examples.

" I can't wait to stop loving you "

" Look, I don't want you back "

" Please Don't Contact me "

" Don't spy on me"

" Can we talk?"

" I want my underwear back"
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #6 on: February 29, 2016, 06:57:56 AM »

It reminds me the technic some parents apply with their baby when they cry during the night only to get attention : you don't go in the room, you let the baby cry and go back to sleep by himself

Ok, I didn't do that with my child by choice, but I understand that it  could work with my BPD bf

I receive more than 30 emails in 24 hours, all the same such as

Come back, give us another chance

I know that I did wrong but I can change

It will make me die to lose you

Etc, etc.

I said, and I promise it is the last time, that I will not go back and that he has to accept my decision even if it is very difficult

I told him to stop writing me and to take the time to heal. And I said I am going away for a few days so I will not answer his emails.

I am so anxious with all of that. I guess I have to talk to me, calm me down and focus on other things. It is difficult, but I have to give it a try if not it will drive me crazy
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2016, 07:19:31 AM »

I am so anxious with all of that. I guess I have to talk to me, calm me down and focus on other things. It is difficult, but I have to give it a try if not it will drive me crazy

It's helpful right now to remember why you left.  We can have mixed feelings once these relationships end, and like you said he's not a monster, and the feelings can change when we're away from the ongoing dysfunction and the fog clears.  One thing that can help keep your focus where you want it is to make a lost of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, I think you said it seemed like he might hit you the night before you left?  If you focus on those things, along with focusing on your bright future with your son, anything to do with him will be less and less attractive and crazy-making.  What's another thing on that list?
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2016, 10:24:38 AM »

For the moment, I don't miss a thing from the rs. Except that I am not used anymore to be alone (without an adult to talk to)

What makes me anxious is my BF reactions. He spent the 1st week trying to make me go back home, then complaining and whining about how suffering it is to lose me, then going back to trying to convince me to give him another chance.

That is exhausting for me. My wish is that he tells me soon he found a place and that I can go back to my place

For the moment, I fell like surviving and not healing. That s normal I guess.

I will try to take advantage of my 3 days away from town to relax. I hear my son laughing in the other room right now and that's make me feel a little bit better.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2016, 11:03:31 AM »

That is exhausting for me. My wish is that he tells me soon he found a place and that I can go back to my place

Yes, it's difficult and when the communication continues you are still emotionally involved to an extent.  It may make sense to get a deadline from him when he will be out, and keep the communications brief and pure business until then.  And he doesn't know where you are now, but he will when you move back to your place; have you considered how to deal with that?

Excerpt
For the moment, I fell like surviving and not healing. That s normal I guess.

Yes, the first step is removing yourself from the situation, and congratulations that you did that, and then it's a matter of letting the fog clear and getting your feet back on the ground, and then you can start the process of emotional healing.  It does feel like surviving at first, but it is a normal part of the process.  And the less you communicate with him the faster it will happen.

Excerpt
I will try to take advantage of my 3 days away from town to relax. I hear my son laughing in the other room right now and that's make me feel a little bit better.

Nice!  Kids are resilient and we can learn a lot from them; hope you're laughing with him!
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #10 on: February 29, 2016, 03:58:35 PM »

I will give a deadline to my BF later this week. I think that the shock was too huge for him to be able to be efficient in the research of a place. However, I know that he already started

For the next 3 days, I will try to empty my head from all of this. We just come out from the inside pool of the hotel where we stay, we will have a nice supper and a relax evening. And tomorrow we play tourists:-)

And while I was enjoying the spa, I promised myself that, when I will be back to my place and that I will really feel single, I will do it again, take a little vacation with my son.

About your question about my BF knowing where I kive when I will go back home, 1st, I probably will change the door lock and 2nd, I will erase his code for the alarm system. Of course, he could drop by but it is my choice to not open.

And should he try to harass me, I would go to the police for sure.
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2016, 07:06:16 AM »

I maintained the NC for the last 48 hours and I felt better

I finally read his dozen of emails sent since then and it is difficult to resist to siren calls... .

He regrets to not have done anything before, but of course he now will seek for help because he loves me and doesn't want to lose what is the most precious in his life, he says that we could have done more activities together as a couple, that we should have put more attention to our couple etc.

It would be so tempting to believe that ... .I already have in the past and nothing of what he promised happened.

But when he is losing me, he becomes the man I love and the man I would have liked to be with full time. Siren calls... .

And I feel depressed because these 4 last years were such a waste... .I regret to have been caught in this rs. I am bitter a little bit and my future life doesn't seem so pink for the moment.

I know that when I will be back at my place, in my environment,  with my things, it will be easier. Until then I am in a no mans land of depression
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2016, 07:39:36 AM »

He regrets to not have done anything before, but of course he now will seek for help because he loves me and doesn't want to lose what is the most precious in his life, he says that we could have done more activities together as a couple, that we should have put more attention to our couple etc.

It would be so tempting to believe that ... .I already have in the past and nothing of what he promised happened.

But when he is losing me, he becomes the man I love and the man I would have liked to be with full time. Siren calls... .

Yes, the push/pull nature of a relationship with a borderline; when he's feeling abandoned he will be whomever he needs to be to reestablish the attachment, and when that feeling is soothed, he will be someone else.  It would be great if these relationships were stable, but they are inherently unstable.

Excerpt
And I feel depressed because these 4 last years were such a waste... .I regret to have been caught in this rs. I am bitter a little bit and my future life doesn't seem so pink for the moment.

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Maybe we were supposed to be in these relationships for reasons we may not know initially.  For me the gift was the profound growth detaching inspired, but I didn't know that until quite a while after I left her.

Excerpt
I know that when I will be back at my place, in my environment,  with my things, it will be easier. Until then I am in a no mans land of depression

Depression is a normal stage of grieving a loss, so what if it isn't a no man's land but exactly where you're supposed to be?  That way you can just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, knowing that the life of your dreams is on the other side, better than you've ever known.  Something to look forward to?
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2016, 07:53:09 AM »

Isa_lala hi,

I understand your frustration. We get to hear the most beautiful words when we are away for some reason but as you yourself say, the promises don't come true when we go back. I didn't recycle with my ex but he moved to where I live and we had contact. He was more lucid than ever, telling all the things he thought I wanted to hear, looked so mature that I was surprised (his emails before that were full of cognitive distortions). We didn't recycle but were in the same circle for a bit and immaturity showed up so quickly - even though we were not in a relationship. I think it takes shorter and shorter for some men with BPD to revert to anger and aggression.

If the messages are stressing you out, how would you feel if you didn't read them?

As for our negative feelings, you are just out of a highly conflicted relationship and still are not completely free from him - there is the message bombing, there are house issues to be solved etc. But I wouldn't judge my future now. You say that going back to your own place will be positive for you, which is a little bit pink, yes? Can you think of anything positive to do while you are still in this other place?

How did your three-day break go?


A little note: A bit of anger, bitterness etc are very normal at this stage. In abusive relationships, we exercise super-human self-control for our safety. And then when we are safer, a lot of anger comes up. All the more reason to detach.

Hang in there!  
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2016, 04:04:40 PM »

He regrets to not have done anything before, but of course he now will seek for help because he loves me and doesn't want to lose what is the most precious in his life, he says that we could have done more activities together as a couple, that we should have put more attention to our couple etc.

It would be so tempting to believe that ... .I already have in the past and nothing of what he promised happened.

But when he is losing me, he becomes the man I love and the man I would have liked to be with full time. Siren calls... .

Yes, the push/pull nature of a relationship with a borderline; when he's feeling abandoned he will be whomever he needs to be to reestablish the attachment, and when that feeling is soothed, he will be someone else.  It would be great if these relationships were stable, but they are inherently unstable.

And I feel depressed because these 4 last years were such a waste... .I regret to have been caught in this rs. I am bitter a little bit and my future life doesn't seem so pink for the moment.

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Maybe we were supposed to be in these relationships for reasons we may not know initially.  For me the gift was the profound growth detaching inspired, but I didn't know that until quite a while after I left her.

I know that when I will be back at my place, in my environment,  with my things, it will be easier. Until then I am in a no mans land of depression

Depression is a normal stage of grieving a loss, so what if it isn't a no man's land but exactly where you're supposed to be?  That way you can just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, knowing that the life of your dreams is on the other side, better than you've ever known.  Something to look forward to?

You are right in the way that this relationship acted like a serious wake up call! I have always knew that I put others'needs ahead of mine, but at this point, it was the first time. And it will probably be the last time. That is the positive of this relationship. Plus of course other things from the day to day life with my bf.

I will take one step at a time. I am enjoying the rest of my short vacations with my son and tomorrow is another day
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2016, 04:10:03 PM »

Isa_lala hi,

I understand your frustration. We get to hear the most beautiful words when we are away for some reason but as you yourself say, the promises don't come true when we go back. I didn't recycle with my ex but he moved to where I live and we had contact. He was more lucid than ever, telling all the things he thought I wanted to hear, looked so mature that I was surprised (his emails before that were full of cognitive distortions). We didn't recycle but were in the same circle for a bit and immaturity showed up so quickly - even though we were not in a relationship. I think it takes shorter and shorter for some men with BPD to revert to anger and aggression.

If the messages are stressing you out, how would you feel if you didn't read them?

As for our negative feelings, you are just out of a highly conflicted relationship and still are not completely free from him - there is the message bombing, there are house issues to be solved etc. But I wouldn't judge my future now. You say that going back to your own place will be positive for you, which is a little bit pink, yes? Can you think of anything positive to do while you are still in this other place?

How did your three-day break go?


A little note: A bit of anger, bitterness etc are very normal at this stage. In abusive relationships, we exercise super-human self-control for our safety. And then when we are safer, a lot of anger comes up. All the more reason to detach.

Hang in there!  

Thank you. I know that it is typical to be so nice when we are leaving... .It had worked in the past, But now, it is too late.

I extended my short vacations for one more day because of a snow storm making the driving a little bit too dangerous. We visited one more museum today and took advantage of the inside pool and spa in the hotel. I haven't responded to my bf since Monday morning.

I will email him tomorrow to know where he is in his apartment search.

I feel better tonight but I think that when we are depressed, mornings are more difficult than evenings.
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2016, 08:11:27 AM »

He just left me a phone message so disturbing for me. It's like all my convictions were blown away... .

I am just totally mixed up and cannot think clearly... .

For sure, he is moving out, he started consulting a T and I will do the same to de tangle my feelings before making any decision. For the moment, I stick with the break up decision.

Help, it hurts so much!
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« Reply #17 on: March 03, 2016, 08:32:02 AM »

You are right in the way that this relationship acted like a serious wake up call! I have always knew that I put others'needs ahead of mine, but at this point, it was the first time. And it will probably be the last time. That is the positive of this relationship.

Isa, don't let go of positive aspects of yourself because of this relationship.  A healthy relationship requires you to sometimes put your partners needs ahead of your own and for them to put your needs ahead of theirs.  There is nothing wrong with doing this and it is an essential part of a healthy relationship

What I feel is important is to know when your partner expects/requires you to do this without reciprocation.  This is unhealthy and what you should hopefully learn from all this is how to recognize when this happening. 

He just left me a phone message so disturbing for me. It's like all my convictions were blown away... .

I am just totally mixed up and cannot think clearly... .

For sure, he is moving out, he started consulting a T and I will do the same to de tangle my feelings before making any decision. For the moment, I stick with the break up decision.

Help, it hurts so much!

Best thing for both you and him is distance.  You need to heal, he needs to confront his demons on his own for himself.  This forum is littered with empty attempts by ex's to seek help in order to (re)secure their supply and this may be just another one of those attempts. 

I understand the pain you are feeling, more than I care to admit, and you feel like you will do anything to get it to stop.  Recognize the emotions for what they are but let your rational and logical mind guide you.  You know it is best to maintain distance for both of you, don't waiver in your resolve.   
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #18 on: March 03, 2016, 08:40:46 AM »

Yes, I think that I must need some time away from him to heal and stand back from the emotions that may make me take the bad decision
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« Reply #19 on: March 03, 2016, 08:47:19 AM »

Yes, I think that I must need some time away from him to heal and stand back from the emotions that may make me take the bad decision

Good Isa.  Recognize you are deep in the FOG right now.  I know it is difficult to see anything with clarity when you are swimming in a FOG so thick you don't know what is up/down, forward/back.  :)istance is the only thing that will help clear the FOG so you can see with clarity and make wise and rational decisions.  Be strong and believe in yourself.
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« Reply #20 on: March 03, 2016, 11:56:01 AM »

He just left me a phone message so disturbing for me. It's like all my convictions were blown away... .

I am just totally mixed up and cannot think clearly... .

For sure, he is moving out, he started consulting a T and I will do the same to de tangle my feelings before making any decision. For the moment, I stick with the break up decision.

Help, it hurts so much!

That's actually a good thing Isa.  You got a few days away from him, remember the museum and the spa with your son, and then you heard from him, so now you get the contrast.  And hearing from him made you crazy.  So now you get a glimpse of what it's like to be emotionally involved with someone with a mental illness, and what it's like when you're not.  Great information you can use to make the best decision for you and your son, and it's important to not communicate with him for a while so you can get your head straight.  Keep talking to us... .
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« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2016, 12:45:50 PM »

I will have to be very strong because he seems to have a mission: get me back in the r/s and seems to not take no as an answer ...

He wants me to call him. My first thought was to do it tonight but after all, it will make me feel bad. So, instead of calling him for him to feel better I will not for me to feel better

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« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2016, 01:18:34 PM »

So, instead of calling him for him to feel better I will not for me to feel better

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  There you go!  Sounds like a woman taking her power back, and good for you!
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #23 on: March 04, 2016, 06:26:10 AM »

I wrote him an email last night saying that I will take a few more days without reading his email for me to heal.

And I will.

Before going to sleep, I thought of having him out of my life and I felt so peaceful that I know for sure that I want something else in my life.

And he should be out of the house on March 15 and the temporary rental where I am in ends the 17 so it is perfect.

I look forward going back to my place among my things.

It will help healing
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #24 on: March 04, 2016, 08:32:52 AM »

I feel so depressed. My son is bored too. He used to play with my BF son and now, it is more difficult for him. A chance he is going back to school on Monday.

I don't have any energy for entertaining him.

I read an email from my BF. I know that I shouldn't have but I cannot stop doing this. I really must not read his emails.

I feel lonely, not because I am alone, and not with my BF, but just lonely and depressed... .I know I will soon feel better but it is presently hard.
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« Reply #25 on: March 04, 2016, 08:55:38 AM »

I feel so depressed. My son is bored too. He used to play with my BF son and now, it is more difficult for him. A chance he is going back to school on Monday.

I don't have any energy for entertaining him.

I read an email from my BF. I know that I shouldn't have but I cannot stop doing this. I really must not read his emails.

I feel lonely, not because I am alone, and not with my BF, but just lonely and depressed... .I know I will soon feel better but it is presently hard.

March 15 is not far away and this is temporary.  Think how great it will be when you get settled into your home and you son goes to school and finds playmates and comes home to a stable home.  Something to look forward to!

And the best thing you can do about loneliness and depression is don't make them wrong or bad, and feel them all the way.  You're in transition right now, our emotions are never wrong, and they're meant to be felt, the only way out is through.  Plus they can teach us something along the way, an important part being as you're feeling them, keep sight of your goals; present emotions don't have much to do with future reality, unless you live there full time, which you won't.

Excerpt
I read an email from my BF. I know that I shouldn't have but I cannot stop doing this. I really must not read his emails.

Based on how you feel when you read them, yes you probably shouldn't.  Interesting though, what do you get, or what do you avoid, by reading them?  It can be illuminating to discover your drive as you consider opening one and reading it.
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« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2016, 09:09:20 AM »

I feel so depressed. My son is bored too. He used to play with my BF son and now, it is more difficult for him. A chance he is going back to school on Monday.

I don't have any energy for entertaining him.

I read an email from my BF. I know that I shouldn't have but I cannot stop doing this. I really must not read his emails.

I feel lonely, not because I am alone, and not with my BF, but just lonely and depressed... .I know I will soon feel better but it is presently hard.

March 15 is not far away and this is temporary.  Think how great it will be when you get settled into your home and you son goes to school and finds playmates and comes home to a stable home.  Something to look forward to!

And the best thing you can do about loneliness and depression is don't make them wrong or bad, and feel them all the way.  You're in transition right now, our emotions are never wrong, and they're meant to be felt, the only way out is through.  Plus they can teach us something along the way, an important part being as you're feeling them, keep sight of your goals; present emotions don't have much to do with future reality, unless you live there full time, which you won't.

I read an email from my BF. I know that I shouldn't have but I cannot stop doing this. I really must not read his emails.

Based on how you feel when you read them, yes you probably shouldn't.  Interesting though, what do you get, or what do you avoid, by reading them?  It can be illuminating to discover your drive as you consider opening one and reading it.

I think I read his emails to know in which kind of mood he is. I have always felt better when he was feeling ok, and bad when he was upset. His mood has always affected me. So, if I tell him I will not answer him for a few days, I read his email to know how he took it. I know it is totally unhealthy. I am dreaming of the day I will not have any contact with him AT ALL.

That is crazy to let someone affects you so much... .
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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2016, 11:13:56 AM »

I think I read his emails to know in which kind of mood he is. I have always felt better when he was feeling ok, and bad when he was upset. His mood has always affected me. So, if I tell him I will not answer him for a few days, I read his email to know how he took it. I know it is totally unhealthy. I am dreaming of the day I will not have any contact with him AT ALL.

That is crazy to let someone affects you so much... .

It's normal to have someone else's emotions affect us when we're emotionally involved with them, and it can be a real roller coaster ride when that person has a personality disorder and is unstable, as we've all experienced.  I wouldn't say it's unhealthy to wonder how he's feeling, it's a normal response to something you've been emotionally invested in for a long time, and as you detach, and eventually let go entirely, what he's feeling will matter less and less.

Unhealthy would be considering it your responsibility to manage his emotions, and even take on the identity of being his emotional manager; that's called codependency, and I don't think you went there.

Excerpt
I am dreaming of the day I will not have any contact with him AT ALL.

When that happens is up to you, and it could be today if you say so.  And if the prospect of that is painful, it's helpful to dig into why, so you can process those emotions moving forward.  I know there are the logistics of getting him out of your home, and those can be handled as purely business if you say so.  Take care of you!
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Isa_lala
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« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2016, 11:21:56 AM »

I believe , and I may be wrong, that his moving out will be softer if I don't cut the contact with him. For sure, I will respect what I said, not responding to him until Minday or Tuesday

After that, I will ask him to discuss the things we bought together to know who keeps what

But you are right I could cut the communication as of today if I want. But not sure that it is what I want. I may prefer to know how his moving out is going

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C.Stein
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« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2016, 12:07:47 PM »

And he should be out of the house on March 15 and the temporary rental where I am in ends the 17 so it is perfect.  I look forward going back to my place among my things.

Isa, just as a precautionary measure you should be prepared to deal with the possibility he may not leave by the 15th.  

Cover all your bases.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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