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[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I have struggled with a relationship with my sister for many years.  She is five years younger than I am.  What I am looking for is help with detaching with love as when she is  angry and says she never wants to see me again it feels like a death, or worse.  I realize our relationship is toxic, but she is my only sister, family is so important and I love her dearly.

Things seem to have gotten worse since our mother died suddenly, at age 79, six years ago.

Thanks!

[Pianowoman]

Hi,

I have struggled with a relationship with my sister for many years.  She is five years younger than I am.  What I am looking for is help with detaching with love as when she is  angry and says she never wants to see me again it feels like a death, or worse.  I realize our relationship is toxic, but she is my only sister, family is so important and I love her dearly.

Things seem to have gotten worse since our mother died suddenly, at age 79, six years ago.

Thanks!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family! 

It really is a struggle isn't it, to deal with a challenging family member that rejects us. I am very sorry that she is treating you this way and can only imagine the deep sadness you are feeling. What do you think has caused her to react so strongly towards you? Do you suspect BPD?

Feelings of guilt (FOG) and projection are common everyday events for someone that exhibits characteristics similar to BPD. Sadly for those around them like you and I, it also becomes 'the norm' and we wish it wouldn't be. Has your sister always been like this? My uBPDm was like this too.

 There are lots of members here who understand what you are going through and can offer compassionate help and listening ears.

Wools

[Pianowoman]

Thanks, Wools.  My sister and I have had a complicated relationship, always.  I was the middle man peacemaker with the conflicts she had with our parents.  She was either overly dependent on my Mom or not speaking to her, depending on her feelings about what had been done to her.  As my Mom was dying, she was so cruel to me that the ICU nurses actually told me that they would take care my sister and her outbursts to give me a break.  She now looks back on that time with a long list of things she thinks I did that made her angry. Several years ago, after a period of time when I gave our relationship a break, she finally called and I told her that we were going to set the reset button on our relationship, and asked her to tell me about every resentment she had toward me, so that we could move forward and not regret or live in the past.  It didn't work.

Last fall, we moved our widowed father out of our family home and into a retirement community and a highlight was how well we worked together, and I was overjoyed because we were so loving and close during what was a very stressful time. I really believed we had turned a corner.

This winter, on social media, she has been posting angrily about politics and religion.  When my husband and brothers happened to disagree with one of her posts, she "unfriended" of us. She became furious because our Dad did not want to sign on with a new caretaker she had researched and lined up and says she never wants to see or speak to my husband or brothers again, and does not want to talk to me.  The last time we talked on the phone she raged at me again about things she thinks I said and did ranging from when our Mom died to emails I sent this winter about our Dad's care.  I was physically sick over it.

She says that she does not want to come to the funeral when our dad dies... .etc. I know intellectually that this is her disorder talking and it is not her.  There is no way she will consider therapy or help.  When it was suggested gently in the past to her, she flew into a rage. 

I know I need to let go.  Writing this helps and I will continue to read and try to take care of myself.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Pianowoman,

How are you doing this week? Have you had more interaction with your sister? It certainly sounds like your sister may be exhibiting traits of BPD. Has she ever been diagnosed with a PD or has she been in T?

As I read your note, I was struck right away by the drama! So much drama surrounds the life of a BPD. She sounds very classic in her rejection of you and others in response to any opinions that are different than hers.

As my Mom was dying, she was so cruel to me that the ICU nurses actually told me that they would take care my sister and her outbursts to give me a break.  She now looks back on that time with a long list of things she thinks I did that made her angry.

This is a typcial example of how a person with BPD can project and blame their feelings and reactions on someone else, especially a family member. In my previous post I mentioned FOG, and I am wondering if this is how you may feel? Here is the link for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

My uBPDm was very much like how your sister sounds. When she felt rejected, she would banish them from her life and ours, often never seeing them again. She lived within the bitterness, never able to get beyond the feelings of rejection that sprang up within her. Sadly it isn't just them that feels the affects of the rejection, but we as family members also feel that pain and rejection. I am still working through it myself, and I understand now as I continue in T how much it really is a process, and that's okay.

I know I need to let go.  Writing this helps and I will continue to read and try to take care of myself.

I am very glad that you shared some of your experience and the pain with us here. Keep writing and telling us more as you feel that you can. It isn't easy to let it go, and here, you do not have to 'just let it go.' You are free to work through the challenges and the hurt with us. It takes time. Be kind to yourself because it is not your fault. 


Wools