Need advice and support

[BlueHuskies]

Hello every one

I am out of a relationship recently.    She was amazing at first.  Everything I ever wanted.  Offering me everything I ever dreamed of.    While I admit to have quirks and having more of a literal brain instead of being able to see sarcasm and nuances... .I don't think I deserved what came next.     We would make plans, she would cancel them last minute because either her parents or friends wanted to do something instead.  The first couple time I accepted it, but it became an every time occurance.  Not once would she ever say "sorry we made plans already". It was "sure, I'll tell him we can reschedule."   Well after a while I stood up and said, why not tell them we have plans and schedule time with them another day?   Suddenly it was "you are trying to take me away from my friends and family!" 

Over time the accusations got worse.  I was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, and thriving on watching her hurt.   When really it was me standing up for and calling her out on stuff.    She couldn't handle criticism of any kind.  If any was put out she shot it down and claimed I was trying to tarnish her good reputation.   

She told me I ruined her and her sons life.  I had no soul.   I was a bad person.   The f$&@ing devil.  She kicked me out of the house threatening to toss me and my animals on the front lawn.  Telling me that if I'm lucky she would give me 30 days to find a place.   When I found a place later that day and told her I would be out the following weekend suddenly she cried "you are abandoning us? How dare you?"    Umm. She kicked me out. 

Three months after moving out I was finally allowed to come get the stuff from her storage.  Using those three months to torment me and play me with the "get away from me/don't leave me I love you" dance. 

Now I have my stuff (minus one box) and I am struggling.  Not that I think it was a mistake, but I miss her.  At least the her in the beginning. And I miss her son who I became very close with and was a parent role in his life.   While I know it's for the best I struggle at times. 

Does she think of me?  Does she hurt?  Does she think the way I do?   Why am I missing someone who was so nasty?  Why couldn't she just stay the way she was in the beginning?

How do I get over this?   It's been 2 weeks of official no contact.  30 days since I got my stuff. 60 days since the last time we were in person.  How long does this take?  How long does it take for the no contact rule to become easier?   What can I do?

Thanks for reading. 

[once removed]

hey BlueHuskies and

you are not alone in your state of confusion upon arriving here; these are often intense and volatile relationships, that can leave us with uniquely challenging wounds to heal from. you are in good company.

you ask if this person thinks the way you do, and thats a pertinent question to ask. BPD is a serious mental illness, that began far before we came into our former partners' lives and is deeply ingrained in their personality. our perception of the relationship and how it transpired was typically very different than our partners'. it is a disorder that is triggered by intimacy, which triggers shifting (sometimes rapidly) between the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment. in other words, who she was in the beginning is the same person that she is now, but you (unknowingly), as someone who knew her intimately, became a trigger. this is not your fault.

healing is not linear, and no contact is not the only solution, but it does get better, and it helps to read others experiences, learn what you can about the disorder which will help you make some sense of the insensible, and share what youre going through here with us.

as for what you can do, i would start in two places. we have an article on surviving a breakup when your partner has borderline personality disorder, that you can find here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

you can also have a look at our lessons directly to the right or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

what led you to the discovery of BPD? is this person diagnosed?

[wanttoknowmore]

BlueHuskies,

You had just experienced what many of us on these boards have experienced. This is a unique experience... .it leads to confusion, perplexity, pain and sadness.

BPD is  disorder and your partner probably suffers from it based on the pattern of her behavior... initial honeymoon period... followed by push pull behavior(driving you crazy)

and finally the hatred.  You criticized her believing that she is a normal human being... .but sadly, her illness limits her capacity to take criticism as deeper down she strongly believes that she is very defective. Its not your fault... you were following norms and rules of sane human partnership with an insane partner.

As far as pwBPD, they come in various shaded, sizes and intensities. Many of them contact you again at their own time table... .some never look back as it is too painful to think of past.

We, on these boards have shared , cried together, laughed together, felt together and eventually were able to heal our wounded self. It does take time and first few months are very hard. Wish you fast healing... stay here and read more.

[JerryRG]

Things do get better Bluehusky, you have found a good home to rest and learn. Don't be afraid to vent, cry, deny, just feel what you feel and be yourself, for me being me is something I lost and our journey to heal is painful but can be exciting too. Unlike the disordered we can and will change if we choose. Good luck

[Mutt]

Hi BlueHuskies,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You have good articles and advice so far, I would like to add share your experiences with us. It helps to talk. Also, read as much as you can on BPD psychopathology to depersonalize the behaviors. Hang in there.