Saving myself..

[Bushido]

so it seems that my marrige is about to be over... ( not by my choice )

any tips from you guys how one should have his mindset when all he has known

is being in the same chaotic , rollercoaster, love you/hate you relationship since he was 15 years old.

And now at 33. . . single ?

i mean . . more then half my life!   

i don´t even know how i´m suppose to feel...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry, bushido.  :'(

18 years must feel like a lifetime with the same person, especially starting so young. And 4 kids on top of everything.

My T used to tell me to lean into the pain and I thought, if I lean any further I will be through and out the other side. I imagine you must feel many, many different feelings, not least of which is grief.

Maybe this article helps?

ARTICLE: Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.

And this:

PERSPECTIVES: Our emotional health

After riding the roller-coaster your emotional system is out of whack. Things don't feel normal anymore and you have lost a solid feeling what normal is. A therapist certainly can help here. Some tricks from the DBT toolbox can be beneficial too. Emotional balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.

Understanding how you feel, and letting yourself process those feelings, will help you stay involved in a coparenting relationship with her that is not overladen with intense feelings that keep you stuck.

[hope2727]

Sorry you are enduring this. I can only say that it will be tough but the other side has peace and happiness. It will get worse before it gets better. Educate yourself as much as possible. Do not expect rational from an irrational person. You will get through this.

[LingeringNoMore]

Sometimes the ending is a blessing.  You came to this site because there are some BPD traits involved in this ending. 

It is a wonderful site with a vast wealth of resources to deal with all aspects of BPD.  I am just beginning to access them but it  has given comfort to my soul. 

Blessings,

LMN

[CCMidwest]

Hi Bushido,

I see you've made a couple of different threads. It's obvious you are hurting man. I thought I would jump in and just offer my support.

I married young too, at age 21. We started dating when I was 19, so not far from your age of 15. I'm basically the same age as you too, I'm 34. I have 2 kids.

It's hard, it really is. Besides just the "normal" pain of a breakup, we have to deal with the BPD side of things too.

Make sure you take care of yourself right now. The little things matter a lot during a major emotional event such as this. I'm talking about eating right, getting some exercise, leaning on whatever support system you have in your life, a smile from your kid, a good song, birds chirping in the morning... .that sort of thing.

Although the boards on this site are "quieter" than I expected or wished for, this site is still a wealth of information. Read the articles that apply to you, connect with who you can, work through your demons, and make a plan to be happy. Plan it. Make a list. Live for the list and better times will come.

Hang in there man.

[Bushido]

You came to this site because there are some BPD traits involved in this ending. 

this is true. . .

even if BPD has been on the table for some time now...

she thought she had it, than she "only" a few traits, And then i was the A... HOLE that made her think she was a BPD.

But i´ve made it this far . . still alive but struggling. . .but never gave up. . . and never will!

(( if you google " the bushido code " then you will know why  ))

After the last "END" episode then yes. . . there was something that just broke inside me and i just needed to reach out for help.

For so long i have been doing this alone. . . And there are no words that can explain how it feels after all this time. . .

to feel i wasn´t alone anymore!

[Bushido]

It's obvious you are hurting man. I thought I would jump in and just offer my support.

It's hard, it really is. Besides just the "normal" pain of a breakup, we have to deal with the BPD side of things too.

Hang in there man.

Thank you so much!

you have no idea how much it means to me to have your support!

i just... .REALLY ... thank you!

[Bushido]

Sorry you are enduring this. I can only say that it will be tough but the other side has peace and happiness. It will get worse before it gets better. Educate yourself as much as possible. Do not expect rational from an irrational person. You will get through this.

Thank you so much!

and you are right . . no matter how this goes.  . . i will get through it...

[Bushido]

I'm so sorry, bushido.  :'(

18 years must feel like a lifetime with the same person, especially starting so young. And 4 kids on top of everything.

Understanding how you feel, and letting yourself process those feelings, will help you stay involved in a coparenting relationship with her that is not overladen with intense feelings that keep you stuck.

Thank you so much... .

this has been my whole life for so long . . that i know nothing other... .

I knew something wasn´t right. . everything just didn´t make sense. . but i never understood what or why.

it took a long time... .

But what can i say. . .

i am Bushido... .i am a warrior. . . i fight for the cause that i believe in! . . and never will i give up . . no matter what!

No matter the cost . . or the sacrifice...

i will fight . . . even it means the end of me!

because that is who i am . . . i am Bushido!   

[Bushido]

Maybe this balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.

Understanding how you feel, and letting yourself process those feelings, will help you stay involved in a coparenting relationship with her that is not overladen with intense feelings that keep you stuck.

This is my main prodject these days.

I am very thankfull For your advise...

Thank you...

[Bushido]

I see you've made a couple of different threads. It's obvious you are hurting man. I thought I would jump in and just offer my support.

I think my behavior here. . reflects my state of mind...

And that cant be explained in one sentence.

I'm all over the place. . struggling to survive...

Thanks again for you support... Means alot!

[JQ]

hello Bushido,

I'm truly sorry for what you have and what you are about to go through.  As LNL has said quite well here, Understand how you feel, let yourself process those feelings.“That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt".  “Grief does not change you, It reveals you.” Become the parent everyone knows you can be, Give them the stable house & at least one parent that they need.  In time they will see you happy again, you will show them how love is suppose to be. You will show them how a MUTUAL caring, loving friendship can turn into love & respect.

People come in & out of our lives for different reasons, for different periods of time. I would like to believe that my exBPDgf came into my life, really at a cross roads to teach me. I had many things going on in my life all at once. In the early stages of our 2 1/2 yr r/s she told me she had BPD & wanted help managing her emotions because of her kids. I tried to help, but as we all know, there were many ... .much more educated people then me who have failed to help her with her VERY serious behavioral mental illness. I was forced to look inward, I was forced to look backwards in my life, my history, I was forced to learn about where I came from, my history of growing up in a house with someone who has BPD. I learned that I was a codependent, a NON, a care giver & I was naturally attracted to toxic & chaotic women in my life for several reasons.

In a way, I received closure with her. Maybe not the complete closure that most here would like to hope & believe in. But the closure I received was in the form of learning about myself at my core and of closing the door on not just our chaotic & toxic r/s, but to learn what to look for in similar BPD toxic r/s. She gave me that, she gave me the courage to look at myself and learn. She gave me the knowledge I so desperately needed, and had to take a hard look at myself to do it. How many other people in the world are afraid to do this? Who refuse to look inward in order to learn about themselves, learn about living life to the fullest!  I am grateful that I have this closure, I'm grateful that she was in my life for as long as she was. But I know in my heart that her mental illness is currently beyond modern medical abilities to cure much less successfully manage the behavior of a BPD that we all are to familiar with.

Like you, like all of us here in the group, I fought a good fight. But having spent a lifetime in the military I also know when a battle has been lost. The most battle harden Generals have lost battles but have gone on to win the war.  It is not a defeat in battle if you learn that there are things beyond your control that have already determined the outcome of the battle. YOU need not sacrifice yourself in a unwindable war of BPD.  You have a duty not only to yourself, but of your children to survive BPD, and move forward in life, wiser, smarter, with a moral obligation to live life to the absolute fullest anyone can.

"The Past is already gone, the Future is not yet here. There's only one moment for you to live". Buddha

"No one saves us but OURSELVES! No one can & no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." Buddha

"Work out YOUR own salvation. Do NOT depend on others! Buddha

"Pain is certain. Suffering IS optional". Buddha


J

[Calibuda]

Hi Bushido,

I got married at 25, and have been married 20 years now and just recently my wife was diagnosed. It has been my whole adult life... .I understand.