Need Some Appreciation

[bpdmom1]

We had our weekly call with our BPD daugther we placed in a RTC.  It was another poor me, I hate it here call.  She hated it when she lived at home, hated when she ran away, hates the rules, hates the people... .   

I've been thinking back over the years of the time and money we've spent on her, especially after her accident when she was 11.  It has been a constant effort to keep her physically and mentally well.  The RTC is the last resort for us.  It doesn't seem like anything is enough for her.  Right now I'm not having a lot of hope that she will ever be happy or will ever appreciate the efforts of so many.  It is all about her.  Sometimes I just want to yell "You aren't the center of the universe" "It isn't all about you" "Can't you just appreciate what everyone is doing for you"  "Stop the whining and complaining"  "Suck it up and make the best out of it"... .  Nope, can't do that ~ I must validate, listen and understand, and so I do.

She sucks the $f&*n#( life out of me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

I hear you.  I hear your frustration and anger.  Their behaviours CAN suck the life out of you.  This is not the way we parents envisioned the future would be as we welcomed those innocent little cherubs into our hearts.  Over the years we have invested so much into them, expecting a much different outcome.  Payment enough at any time could have been a smile... .a hug... .a heartfelt thank you.  Well... .might come yet.

Good for you to release some steam... .then get back to the work of being the best Mom that you can be to her.

Here is a hug (--) for you, Toots!

[lbjnltx]

It surely would be nice BPDmom1!  Years and years went by when I got nothing but blame from my d because she hadn't yet learned to own her own stuff.

That all turned around for her in RTC and is so very different today.

The experience with my d really taught me what a true gift of love is... .to give without expectation.  As parents we provide opportunities for our kiddos and we can't orchestrate the outcome.

lbj 

[Bright Day Mom]

I am in a similar situation... .16D BPD, multiple long term hospitalizations, mannnny PHP, IOP programs, in home therapy, therapeutic HS, the works. The straw broke the camels back with her last hospitalization and we had to go with the last option RTC. I'm not sure how long your D's been RTC, but if it isn't that long, give it some time. This is a HUGE change for EVERYONE, parents, siblings, extended family, friends. Has the RTC provided you with their review of her day-to-day?  I'm just wondering if she is adjusting well and beginning to settle in and want to manipulate you? 

It is good to take the time you now have w/her out of home to take care of yourself, catch up on some much needed sleep. I'm also using the time to read everything I can get my hands on - as knowledge is POWER!

I agree it isn't always easy to validate and keep composure, just do your best, nobody is perfect.  The appreciation may not be evident now, give it some time.

[mggt]

   

[bpdmom1]

Thanks for the hope.

We are trying to take it day by day.  She has been at the RTC since August, a long time without significate progress.  She wants out and my H thinks we should pull her and let her learn the hard way.  Everyone else says no, she needs to finish the program.  Without finishing I doubt she will be able to get her HS dipolma.  I just don't know anymore and so tired of the sad phone calls and my H and I not being on the same page.  My H feels that she is obsessed about leaving and will continue not being on board.  I'm terribly concerned about her coming home and falling apart and us again trying to pick up the pieces. 

We are in constant contact with the RTC and just heard she was dropped back to level 1 again.  She is at the point she should be progressing to level 3 with more freedoms, home visits, contact with friends etc.  I'm starting to wonder if some anxiety about a home visit is part of the issue as she stated she didn't want to come home for visits or even when she leaves the center. 

[jellibeans]

BPDmom1

I am sorry you have not seen progress and now she is going backwards. What does the RTC say about this? What is in her treatment plan and does that need to be adjusted? Is there any steps forward? I might question what good they are doing and if they have the skills to help your dd.

Stop worrying about school... .there is time for school. don't keep her there for that reason.

How are the phone calls going? Can I ask what RTC she is at? I do hope things get better.

[bpdmom1]

BPDmom1

I am sorry you have not seen progress and now she is going backwards. What does the RTC say about this? What is in her treatment plan and does that need to be adjusted? Is there any steps forward? I might question what good they are doing and if they have the skills to help your dd.

Stop worrying about school... .there is time for school. don't keep her there for that reason.

How are the phone calls going? Can I ask what RTC she is at? I do hope things get better.

I do know she has made progress from when she started.  It doesn't seem like much some days.  They are trying all sorts of things.  They are even giving her an exception and letting her come home and compete in a track event.  She might be planning a getaway on the visit as she didn't want to commit to going back when the therapist asked her. 

I don't think it is a good option to pull her and have her back home.  We would have get her setup in an apartment or something as I'm sure she would revert to her old ways her at home.  We as parents aren't on the same page with enforcing rules.  She really needs to get her degree.  She has a physical disability that prevents her from getting just any job and needs a career that would be willing to accommodate her.

Phone calls are much better.  We've been focused on her up coming visit and track event.  I'll PM you on the RTC.  I really am happy with their effort and I don't want it to look like the center isn't worth while as I understand it is highly regarded. 

[bpdmom1]

Update:  D came home for a visit.  She did very well until it was time to return.  She refused to go back, baracading herself in her room.  After I stated I wouldn't support her and won't stick around to watch her fall apart, she decided calmly that she would leave and threaten to run away, find a ride to the airport so she could live with a friend from the RTC.  My H decided to call her on it and my H ended up dropping her off at the airport as he didn't want her to leave the house at night without a phone.  I was so upset at this point I wasn't thinking and told them to go ahead figuring her plan would fall apart. 

She ended up getting a hold of someone's phone, called her friend and her friend purchased her an airline ticket.  Through the RTC we ended up talking with the parents and my H went back to the airport as it was looking possible that her plan might work after all.  She called my H just before going through security and told H that if he promised she didn't have to go back to the RTC she wouldn't get on the flight.  He agreed and brought her back home and is now supporting her decision not to finish the program.  If my H didn't want to keep her in the program this is NOT the way to go about it.   

I'm sitting in a hotel room as I can't stand watching her take control of the household again.  I'm so mad at her and feel all our efforts were for nothing.

Now what?

[Gorges]

Are you sitting in a hotel room because you wanted to separate from the craziness? If we reach that point I will do the same . You can only control yourself and distance is a good thing.  Please update us on what happens next.  As I read these posts I realize that I am not alone and neither are you.  It seems we all have spouses who are not on the same page . Maybe this is a cause of the problems but also something that is difficult to do with a child who is so difficult because nothing we do seems to work.  It is hard to accept.

I am just working now on accepting.  Accepting my sadness today and trying not to make rash descisions or make anything worse.

How old is your daughter?

[bpdmom1]

Im sitting in a hotel because I can't stand watching her manipulate and afraid that she will suck me in.  I'm so tired of being manipulated and controlled by her.  My H wants me to come home and let her have her life.  Her having her life is allowing her to do whatever she wants and giving in to all her demands.  He is willing to set her up in appt. in order for me to come home, but that upsets me more and I feel that this is just setting her up for failure.  I really don't want to see her fail and wanted her to finish the program to give her the best chance possible.  I could live with supporting her after finishing the program or even if we decided to pull her out.  But her being allowed to dictate when she leaves the program is more than I can stand.  My H agreed to talk with a therapist to see if we could come up with some type of solution.  I don't think he is capable of trying to get her back to the RTC without her agreement.  I feel stuck with a lose lose situation.           

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

It seems to me that your husband made decisions based on his fears.  Fear based decisions are rarely good ones.  Reacting in the moment vs responding from a place of knowledge, a balanced perspective, and the consideration of long term consequences isn't good for any party involved.

Unfortunately, this fear based reaction could have long term ill affects for your family and I am sad to read this.  If my husband had done this with my daughter, after all the efforts made to get her into treatment, I would be in a hotel room too.

Let us know what happens with the counseling and what options will be presented to your daughter for her future living situation.

[bpdmom1]

Back home. 

Haven't talked with d.  Right now I can't as I'm so afraid I'll get back involved and be sucked into her manipulation.  She is being really good (as she is getting what she wants).  My H got school figured out and she will have to re-do her senior year (just recently turned 18 - we have limited guardianship (haha)).  My husband and I are talking, but on very different pages.  He IS making decisions based on fear.  I'm still more angry at my d than my H for some reason.  I suppose I just have too much resentment towards her and can't imagine being here at home not trying to support her daily stuff.  I told my H I won't lift a finger for her, take her to practices etc.  If it gets too hard I'm going to have to leave again.

The educational consultant we worked with to get her placed in the program is helping.  She believes my daughter is RAD (pretty severe) and stated she is the most complex case she has ever had.  She is helping find resources for my H and I work this out, and my H is willing.  My d I understand will also be willing to do some therapy of her own so she is also working to find resources for her.

I'm sure this is just a fantasy, but I'm hoping my d will accept that she needs to finish the program as I believe that is the only way my H will get on board. 

I sort of have two threads going on regarding the same subject.  If you want more details review my other posts.