Tempted to Rengage Ex after Contact

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Alright I had a fairly rough weekend and I am struggling with staying strong to NC. A few weeks back I got a text from my ex wanting to "Catch Up". This came 8 months after being discarded. Well I stayed strong and ignored.

Fast forward to this weekend I received yet another text: "Wanted to drop another line, wondering how you are. I understand if you don't feel comfortable responding and I promise I won't keep bugging you. Just know that any quietness from me is out of respect rather than a lack of desire to connect; that will always be true not matter how much time passes. Hope things are bright, happy - You deserve the best."

Well this is tearing me apart. Since the discard I have spent countless hours trying to understand BPD and what happened in our r/s. So I am acutely aware that there is very little good that will come from reconnecting and that it will just open up more hurt. But right now my heart is outweighing my brain. Love can be a b**** sometimes.

[FlyFish]

Alright I had a fairly rough weekend and I am struggling with staying strong to NC. A few weeks back I got a text from my ex wanting to "Catch Up". This came 8 months after being discarded. Well I stayed strong and ignored.

Fast forward to this weekend I received yet another text: "Wanted to drop another line, wondering how you are. I understand if you don't feel comfortable responding and I promise I won't keep bugging you. Just know that any quietness from me is out of respect rather than a lack of desire to connect; that will always be true not matter how much time passes. Hope things are bright, happy - You deserve the best."

Well this is tearing me apart. Since the discard I have spent countless hours trying to understand BPD and what happened in our r/s. So I am acutely aware that there is very little good that will come from reconnecting and that it will just open up more hurt. But right now my heart is outweighing my brain. Love can be a b**** sometimes.

[once removed]

hey FlyFish 

why, specifically do you feel like reaching out? what would you say if you did?

[FlyFish]

Once Removed,

I am tempted to reach out for two reasons: Getting an explanation for what happened and an apology from her. I know highly unlikely. I'm not gonna lie, the second reason is to see if there is any hope of a future relationship. The second hinges on the first.

I have absolutely no clue what I would say but I'm currently leaning towards hearing her out with a response.

[once removed]

you do have options here, but i wouldnt get ahead of yourself or rehash things.

if you want to respond id keep it short, simple, polite. expect nothing. you might get no response. you might get a basic response. respond (the general sense of the word "respond", not necessarily "reply" dont react.

if you are hoping to revive the relationship, you may want to check out/post on the saving board which you can find here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=15.0

[zeus123]

Hi FF.

I hope you stay the course and maintain NO CONTACT. this is my advice/opinion to you...

The difference between a lab rat and a human, is that the lab rat doesn't return to the same maze where it finds no nourishment, human do. Be the exception, maintain ZERO contact with your BPDex.

[cherryblossom]

Wow ff that sounds like a toughy - so out the blue! I totally understand what u say about the heart overtaking the mind - have u read about trauma bonding? Someone posted a link on a recent thread of mine v interesting ' might help u maintain n/ c - but if u dont i can totally understand why and how intense the pull is - hugs ur way

[Cardinals in Flight]

Weekends are tough, I'm really sorry.

If it's any comfort, I too wanted to reach out, but I did not.  I'm here at work now, and very pleased with myself in not doing so.  I think of all the ugliness, which breaks my heart on every level, and know this must end or the cycle will just keep on going in perpetuity.  I deeply love my xBPD/gf, but we cannot be together.

Hang in there, regardless of what your choice is/was, you can always come here to post.  My feeling is that nobody is done, until they're DONE, it could be 2 or twenty times.

Peace,

CiF

[khibomsis]

Flyfish I know it is hard. So much easier to resist when they're being nasty then when they're being nice. Still, the chances of a BPD taking responsibility for their actions, much less apologizing, does not fit in ith the disease profile. Is it possible for you to some factfinding before you contact? Do you have friends in common or other methods of finding out what she has been u to during your NC? I say this because often BPD's recycle  you when things go badly with replacement. Or they like to have you 'in storage' in case they need help or financial assistance. Not judging your ex whom I don't know. Just saying check your facts first before you decide what to do.

[Thegardiner]

Fly fish, I feel your pain, I managed six weeks of NC and I let myself down and text her... .Then it all started. It has been a week of nothing but hurt. Of course the exBPDgf activities of the six weeks NC came to light... .And it's all bad news. Although I fail miserable to maintain NC, I strongly urge you to try. You may receive some explanations (they will hurt more than they will benefit) and an apology (motivated by her current agenda... .), both will most likely leave you in a worse place than you are now.

[FlyFish]

Thank you all for your responses.

if you want to respond id keep it short, simple, polite. expect nothing. you might get no response. you might get a basic response. respond (the general sense of the word "respond", not necessarily "reply" dont react.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=15.0

Good advise Once Removed. I will RESPOND with conciseness and politeness. Although I so desperately want to tell her off. Something I never did in the relationship.

Wow ff that sounds like a toughy - so out the blue! I totally understand what u say about the heart overtaking the mind

Yes it did come out of the blue. Part of me knew that she may attempt contact at some point. I did always secretely hoep and at the same time dread that she would reach out. She asked to be friends after the breakup to which I told her that I needed her as my lover not my friend. I truly was great to her and did everything in my power to make the r/s work. I believe she has never had a boyfriend like me... .I'm not sure she knew how to handle it. I think she was so used to drama and hurt that she couldn't do the tranquil, consistent, and caring boyfriend.  Of course I didn't/don't know how to handle her. could she be displaying remorse by this contact?

Flyfish I know it is hard. So much easier to resist when they're being nasty then when they're being nice. Still, the chances of a BPD taking responsibility for their actions, much less apologizing, does not fit in ith the disease profile. Is it possible for you to some factfinding before you contact? Do you have friends in common or other methods of finding out what she has been u to during your NC? I say this because often BPD's recycle  you when things go badly with replacement. Or they like to have you 'in storage' in case they need help or financial assistance. Not judging your ex whom I don't know. Just saying check your facts first before you decide what to do.

Khibomsis, I'm fairly certain she went back to her exbf right after our breakup if not before . This fact was devastating and still kills me and in my opinion is the most irreconcilable aspect of a potential rekindling. Since I found this out I have cut contact in all respects to her life. I do not have facebook . I have asked my friends to not discuss her in front of me unless I initiate . I did not block email or phone as I figured she would never call me. Yeah I left that one wide open. Anyway I do not have many connections in which to gain insight from her last 8 months and honestly I don't want her to find out I'm doing that anyway.

I am well aware of the potential for recycle but I'm not yet certain that is what she is after. Can she have intentions of "catching up" without "recycling"? She could just be scoping out the potential for recycle as well. Who knows  . I was never good at the game playing or mind games but if I do make contact I want to keep the upper hand and be able to walk away at any moment.

[once removed]

so whats your plan FlyFish? what do you intend to say? we can help if youd like

[sweet tooth]

8 months? That just further supports my hypothesis that they always come back... .

Fly, we cannot make the decision for you. If I were you I'd ask myself the following questions, evaluate, and respond accordingly:

-What are the possible benefits from contact?

-What do I WANT from contact?

-What are the potential risks of contact?

-Am I emotionally strong enough to walk away if need be?

-Can I handle having a casual friendship with this person?

-Can I handle a recycle?

-Do I want to respond because I miss or just because I'm lonely?

Essentially I'm suggesting that you create a Cost/Benefit Analysis. I think it would be best if you write down or type the questions and answers so you can visualize your feelings. This approach is typically better than doing it in your head (See "The Triple Column Technique" by Dr. David D. Burns for scientific proof of this).

Good luck, Fly. No matter what decision you make I hope you find peace and happiness. God speed.

[once removed]

8 months? That just further supports my hypothesis that they always come back... .

Fly, we cannot make the decision for you. If I were you I'd ask myself the following questions, evaluate, and respond accordingly:

-What are the possible benefits from contact?

-What do I WANT from contact?

-What are the potential risks of contact?

-Am I emotionally strong enough to walk away if need be?

-Can I handle having a casual friendship with this person?

-Can I handle a recycle?

-Do I want to respond because I miss or just because I'm lonely?

Essentially I'm suggesting that you create a Cost/Benefit Analysis. I think it would be best if you write down or type the questions and answers so you can visualize your feelings. This approach is typically better than doing it in your head (See "The Triple Column Technique" by Dr. David D. Burns for scientific proof of this).

Good luck, Fly. No matter what decision you make I hope you find peace and happiness. God speed.

thats very good advice.

[bus boy]

Nothing good ever comes from re connecting with a BPD. They are cunning, baffling and powerful. Parasites that suck the good out of you. Your ex probably doesn't have a source to crush or just finished crushing one. Regardless, you are setting yourself up for worse heartache. They are like a drug, hard to get out of the system but twice as worse after a relaps.

[FlyFish]

Sweet Tooth,

This is great advice and I have actually been going through this in my head for the past few days. Here are my answers as of right now:

-What are the possible benefits from contact?

Getting an explanation/clarification on what the hell happened... .Maybe an apology. The truth of the matter is that I do not need closure from her anymore as I have gone through the work of accepting things the way they are. I do want to hear what she has to say though.

-What do I WANT from contact?

Same as above. Also to see if there is any possibility of a healthy relationship moving forward. I know extreme long shot. A huge portion of this is knowing what a healthy relationship looks like for ME and stay strong to those boundaries.

-What are the potential risks of contact?

Not getting the above and being emotionally affected by it and experience the pain all over. If I can accept either or and be emotionally fine with any outcome than that mitigates the risk. I believe I am there. Once the first meeting has happened then I can assess how to proceed further.

-Am I emotionally strong enough to walk away if need be?

I believe I am at this point. Although I haven't seen her in 8 months and as we know things don't always go to plan with pwBPD. I do believe I can walk away at this point if she does not provide what I need or show me she's moving in a better direction. I can keep the ball in my court.

-Can I handle having a casual friendship with this person?

Don't know. But this I will find out. As of right now I do not believe it is healthy for me to have a friendship with her as I will always be drawn to her in a romantic way. This is why I told her I did not want a friendship during the breakup. That and I was pissed at her... .Still am.

-Can I handle a recycle?

Yikes. I just don't know. I don't even know if this is an initial attempt at a recycle. Although I don't see why she would be looking to connect so strongly if otherwise. Anyone have insight or experience on this one? I don't want to read too much into a simple text.

-Do I want to respond because I miss or just because I'm lonely?

Extremely good question. I do miss her, the good parts anyway. And I am also lonely in the romantic relationship realm but that has been my chose as I have spent the last 8 months on my personal growth and have not been ready for dating. I'm not desperate and engaging will not be to mitigate loneliness

Next steps are figuring out how to respond… Still working on that

[once removed]

thats a thoughtful, thorough inventory  . self aware, and realistic in your expectations. a centered place to be.

Fast forward to this weekend I received yet another text: "Wanted to drop another line, wondering how you are. I understand if you don't feel comfortable responding and I promise I won't keep bugging you. Just know that any quietness from me is out of respect rather than a lack of desire to connect; that will always be true not matter how much time passes. Hope things are bright, happy - You deserve the best."

this is what she sent. my advice is to ignore (not engage) what i struck through. something along the lines of "i am well, how are you?". brief, friendly, emotionally reserved but warm and polite (add or subtract a bit as necessary). it reads into nothing, and it puts the ball back in her court.

[WoundedBibi]

Sweet Tooth,

This is great advice and I have actually been going through this in my head for the past few days. Here are my answers as of right now:

-What are the possible benefits from contact?

Getting an explanation/clarification on what the hell happened... .Maybe an apology. The truth of the matter is that I do not need closure from her anymore as I have gone through the work of accepting things the way they are. I do want to hear what she has to say though.

How realistic is it to expect a pwBPD to explain to you their inner workings?

-What do I WANT from contact?

Same as above. Also to see if there is any possibility of a healthy relationship moving forward. I know extreme long shot. A huge portion of this is knowing what a healthy relationship looks like for ME and stay strong to those boundaries.

So you think she has been 'cured' of her BPD?

-What are the potential risks of contact?

Not getting the above and being emotionally affected by it and experience the pain all over. If I can accept either or and be emotionally fine with any outcome than that mitigates the risk. I believe I am there. Once the first meeting has happened then I can assess how to proceed further.

So if she acts all nice at this first meeting as she did at first you'll be able to see if it's a genuine nice or a BPD nice to recycle you?

-Am I emotionally strong enough to walk away if need be?

I believe I am at this point. Although I haven't seen her in 8 months and as we know things don't always go to plan with pwBPD. I do believe I can walk away at this point if she does not provide what I need or show me she's moving in a better direction. I can keep the ball in my court.

-Can I handle having a casual friendship with this person?

Don't know. But this I will find out. As of right now I do not believe it is healthy for me to have a friendship with her as I will always be drawn to her in a romantic way. This is why I told her I did not want a friendship during the breakup. That and I was pissed at her... .Still am.

Hang on. You're still pissed at her but you want a healthy relationship with her... ? How do you add those things up?

-Can I handle a recycle?

Yikes. I just don't know. I don't even know if this is an initial attempt at a recycle. Although I don't see why she would be looking to connect so strongly if otherwise. Anyone have insight or experience on this one? I don't want to read too much into a simple text.

It is. Not that she means it to be a recycle. That isn't how it starts out. But she isn't able to have a healthy relationship. And you want a relationship with her, not a friendship. So I guess you're opening the door for a recycle.

-Do I want to respond because I miss or just because I'm lonely?

Extremely good question. I do miss her, the good parts anyway. And I am also lonely in the romantic relationship realm but that has been my chose as I have spent the last 8 months on my personal growth and have not been ready for dating. I'm not desperate and engaging will not be to mitigate loneliness.

Then why?

Next steps are figuring out how to respond… Still working on that

[troisette]

I agree with all of Bibi's points.

Apologies if I'm wrong but I think you are vulnerable and that a recycle could be damaging to your recovery.

Sorry. You probably don't want to read that FlyFish.

[FlyFish]

Wounded Bibi, I appreciate you challenging my reasons. I need that and by no means have I decided to reply. My justifications are tenuous in finding the good that will come from contact.

How realistic is it to expect a pwBPD to explain to you their inner workings?   

   Not very realistic. Hell I have a tough time explaining my inner workings and feelings. I don’t necessarily believe she has to explain her inner workings to provide an apology or realize she has hurt me though. The two can be uncorrelated IMO.

So you think she has been 'cured' of her BPD?

   No. But I strongly believe she has the ability to realize she has a problem and to seek help for it. I don’t even know if she has BPD. She was never displayed rage but fit a lot of the other criteria. BPD waifish. Even as such I know that a relationship/friendship will be highly likely to fail unless she seeks help.

So if she acts all nice at this first meeting as she did at first you'll be able to see if it's a genuine nice or a BPD nice to recycle you?

   Not necessarily. I do believe in my course of learning over the last 8 months that I can far better handle what comes my way than when I had no clue what BPD even was. It’s not like I am rushing back into things here. I simple want to meet and scope out the situation and then decide to proceed further with her if at all possible. I intend to proceed with no expectations of outcomes, kind of like going on a first date.

Hang on. You're still pissed at her but you want a healthy relationship with her... ? How do you add those things up?

   Just because someone’s pissed doesn’t mean they can’t have a healthy relationship. Healthy couples get pissed/fight all the time. It’s natural. Healthy couples simply have a means of working it out often creating a stronger bond. This dynamic is hard if not impossible to achieve in BPD r/s. Yes I am mad at her. Yes I will tell her this. However, I will not have expectations of her response and will remain indifferent.

It is. Not that she means it to be a recycle. That isn't how it starts out. But she isn't able to have a healthy relationship. And you want a relationship with her, not a friendship. So I guess you're opening the door for a recycle.

Then why?

   I don’t necessarily believe that just because she wants to “catch up” that it is a recycle attempt. Although I am aware that most people on these forums believe that any contact is to meet her needs and her needs only.

I agree with all of Bibi's points.

Apologies if I'm wrong but I think you are vulnerable and that a recycle could be damaging to your recovery.

Sorry. You probably don't want to read that FlyFish.

Troisette and Bibi, you both could very well be right. But if there is a 1/100 chance of having a successful rekindling with the person you love more than any person in the world wouldn’t you want to take that chance?

[zeus123]

FF. DECIDE to find someone whose piece fits your puzzle~ not whose puzzle you're trying to fit. It's the difference between joy and misery. You've gotta be able to be fully you in a relationship. If you can't , you're with the wrong person. It's not a healthy fit. If you wanna hangout again with someone who doesn't respect and like you, they're echoing how you really feel about yourself . Get help.

[SilentBPD]

Also, side note about Sunday night when I saw him at the bar after I talked with his friend, I went up to him because he was standing next to a mutual friend and said "Hey I know you don't want to talk, but I think it's funny that we are both wearing funny cat t-shirts"... .he actually smirked. Then pointed to the beer garden deck (not saying words). So I said, "do you want me to leave?"... .nothing... .then I said "do you want to talk to me?"... .at which he kept pointing and shook his head yes. So I reiterated, "you want to talk to me outside?"... .and he shook his head yes. I should have made him go with me right there but I said "okay I'll meet you outside"... .thinking it was weird he couldn't use words but whatever. As soon as I went outside I just had a feeling he wasn't coming, so I went back in. Found him again, and said "hey I thought you wanted to talk outside"... at which he got flustered and said madly "I don't want to talk to you! just leave, just leave"... .so I calmly put my drink down and left.

Not trying to cling on to anything, but what was with the finger pointing to the deck and shaking his head "yes" that he wanted to talk... .Was that a break through or am I clinging on to false hopes?

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi, I appreciate you challenging my reasons. I need that and by no means have I decided to reply. My justifications are tenuous in finding the good that will come from contact.

You're welcome    I think it's part of why we are here.

How realistic is it to expect a pwBPD to explain to you their inner workings?   

   Not very realistic. Hell I have a tough time explaining my inner workings and feelings. I don’t necessarily believe she has to explain her inner workings to provide an apology or realize she has hurt me though. The two can be uncorrelated IMO.

An apology can be unrelated but you also wrote you want an explanation what happened. To explain what happened she needs to be able to explain to you what she was thinking or feeling prior to her actions. Hence my question.

So you think she has been 'cured' of her BPD?

   No. But I strongly believe she has the ability to realize she has a problem and to seek help for it. I don’t even know if she has BPD. She was never displayed rage but fit a lot of the other criteria. BPD waifish. Even as such I know that a relationship/friendship will be highly likely to fail unless she seeks help.

Just as a note, even the pwBPD that do seek therapy often fail at relationships as you can read in other threads and the other boards on this site. It takes many years of therapy and daily deciding to want to do it (or not) to be able to manage BPD. Getting help is not the end just the first step.

So if she acts all nice at this first meeting as she did at first you'll be able to see if it's a genuine nice or a BPD nice to recycle you?

   Not necessarily. I do believe in my course of learning over the last 8 months that I can far better handle what comes my way than when I had no clue what BPD even was. It’s not like I am rushing back into things here. I simple want to meet and scope out the situation and then decide to proceed further with her if at all possible. I intend to proceed with no expectations of outcomes, kind of like going on a first date.

I understand you know a lot more than you did 8 months ago. We have all learned so much. But how do you think you can tell the difference though? Even with all you have learned about BPD how do you know she is being genuine or doing a 'BPD act'?

Hang on. You're still pissed at her but you want a healthy relationship with her... ? How do you add those things up?

   Just because someone’s pissed doesn’t mean they can’t have a healthy relationship. Healthy couples get pissed/fight all the time. It’s natural. Healthy couples simply have a means of working it out often creating a stronger bond. This dynamic is hard if not impossible to achieve in BPD r/s. Yes I am mad at her. Yes I will tell her this. However, I will not have expectations of her response and will remain indifferent.

Yes COUPLES in a relationship can be very pissed at each other. But you're not a couple. What kind of basis is being pissed at her as the general feeling on your 'first date' if there was to be one?

What do you mean you will remain indifferent? You aren't indifferent now. You're pissed which isn't indifferent and you want to see if there is an option for a relationship which means you care for her so you're not indifferent.

Are you really being honest with yourself here about being indifferent? Because you're angry with her and you love her so indifference doesn't come into play here. So her response does matter. Or do you have this idea that if you meet up you will play indifferent?

It is. Not that she means it to be a recycle. That isn't how it starts out. But she isn't able to have a healthy relationship. And you want a relationship with her, not a friendship. So I guess you're opening the door for a recycle.

Then why?

   I don’t necessarily believe that just because she wants to “catch up” that it is a recycle attempt. Although I am aware that most people on these forums believe that any contact is to meet her needs and her needs only.

I think 99% of the people that post here have had the experience that contact means recycle and the 1% that haven't have concluded that a friendship with a pwBPD is the same as a relationship: rocky and unbalanced but minus the physical part. Maybe you're the exception to the rule.

I agree with all of Bibi's points.

Apologies if I'm wrong but I think you are vulnerable and that a recycle could be damaging to your recovery.

Sorry. You probably don't want to read that FlyFish.

Troisette and Bibi, you both could very well be right. But if there is a 1/100 chance of having a successful rekindling with the person you love more than any person in the world wouldn’t you want to take that chance?[/quote]
It wouldn't be successful. Because I have changed and grown in the past months. My ex has changed too; he has sunk deeper into the BPD morass as every experience reinforces his illness.

If he was to contact me to say he wanted to catch up I would decline. I cannot trust a word he says. It would be an attempt to recycle. Or to hurt me somehow.

If he was to contact me to say he wanted me back I would decline. It would not work as he has not changed.

If he was to contact me and he would say "I realise I have a problem, I am going to work on myself, then will you try again?" I would first want to see him do at least a year of therapy, occasionally meeting up for coffee to see if I could see progress in behaviour. And meanwhile I would still carry on with my own life because I'm not waiting around for something that might never happen. So I would personally pass on the catching up.

[steelwork]

Also, side note about Sunday night when I saw him at the bar after I talked with his friend, I went up to him because he was standing next to a mutual friend and said "Hey I know you don't want to talk, but I think it's funny that we are both wearing funny cat t-shirts"... .he actually smirked. Then pointed to the beer garden deck (not saying words). So I said, "do you want me to leave?"... .nothing... .then I said "do you want to talk to me?"... .at which he kept pointing and shook his head yes. So I reiterated, "you want to talk to me outside?"... .and he shook his head yes. I should have made him go with me right there but I said "okay I'll meet you outside"... .thinking it was weird he couldn't use words but whatever. As soon as I went outside I just had a feeling he wasn't coming, so I went back in. Found him again, and said "hey I thought you wanted to talk outside"... at which he got flustered and said madly "I don't want to talk to you! just leave, just leave"... .so I calmly put my drink down and left.

Not trying to cling on to anything, but what was with the finger pointing to the deck and shaking his head "yes" that he wanted to talk... .Was that a break through or am I clinging on to false hopes?

SilentBPD, this seems like a live version of the two-months-long game my ex played with me about having a talk. Wanted to talk became was going to get back to me with a time became said he was afraid became said he was busy became ignore the subject of talking became blew up at me and went silent. I had to come to terms with it as a drawn-out and painful way of saying, "I don't want to talk to you anymore." I mean, I had no choice. So I don't know if you're clinging to false hope or not, but I do know he's not acting like a person who wants to talk.

[Hadlee]

Also, side note about Sunday night when I saw him at the bar after I talked with his friend, I went up to him because he was standing next to a mutual friend and said "Hey I know you don't want to talk, but I think it's funny that we are both wearing funny cat t-shirts"... .he actually smirked. Then pointed to the beer garden deck (not saying words). So I said, "do you want me to leave?"... .nothing... .then I said "do you want to talk to me?"... .at which he kept pointing and shook his head yes. So I reiterated, "you want to talk to me outside?"... .and he shook his head yes. I should have made him go with me right there but I said "okay I'll meet you outside"... .thinking it was weird he couldn't use words but whatever. As soon as I went outside I just had a feeling he wasn't coming, so I went back in. Found him again, and said "hey I thought you wanted to talk outside"... at which he got flustered and said madly "I don't want to talk to you! just leave, just leave"... .so I calmly put my drink down and left.

Not trying to cling on to anything, but what was with the finger pointing to the deck and shaking his head "yes" that he wanted to talk... .Was that a break through or am I clinging on to false hopes?

I agree with Steelwork in that his actions were not that of someone wanting to talk.  Perhaps the pointing was his way of getting to you leave as he had no intention of meeting you outside to talk.  Seems like a brush off to me.

I'm sorry     

[Bigmd]

FF, I can tell you the same happened to me. Things were going great. I was talking to a new girl and was very pleased the way my life was going. A far cry from where I was in the end of he summer. Anyway my exgf texted me out of the blue after 8 months. This was right before Easter. She asked me how I was doing and said she wasn't sure if it was ok to text me. I responded and we texted a little. Fast forward a few days latter we text again and it becomes every couple days we talk. Then, about two weeks after first contact we talk on phone. I hadn't heard her voice in 8 months. The convo went almost like our break up convo in the summer. She pointed finger at me and did not take responsibility for anything. We talked for about an hour. We did have some laughs and talked about our families. About a week later we talked again. It was more of the same. She refuses to apologize for anything. I pointed out specific things she did but all she could do was blame me for everything. I asked straight up if she could stop silent treatment. She told me no because that's just how she was. She did bring up us getting back together ... .But basically said I had to change. I'm not going to go back to that again. I'm dating a great girl now with not an ounce of drama. I'm done with her. I have my closure. We haven't spoke in a few weeks. We texted just once since then. I have no desire to revisit the chaos. I also spoke to her best friend who now can't stand her. She too was fed up with the treatment. So when everyone says nothing good comes from contact, they are right. These people can't change.

[steelwork]

I have my closure. We haven't spoke in a few weeks. We texted just once since then. I have no desire to revisit the chaos. I also spoke to her best friend who now can't stand her. She too was fed up with the treatment. So when everyone says nothing good comes from contact, they are right. These people can't change.

I'm glad for your outcome, Bigmd. And it sounds like something good did come from contact in your case.

[Ahoy]

FF, I can tell you the same happened to me. Things were going great. I was talking to a new girl and was very pleased the way my life was going. A far cry from where I was in the end of he summer. Anyway my exgf texted me out of the blue after 8 months. This was right before Easter. She asked me how I was doing and said she wasn't sure if it was ok to text me. I responded and we texted a little. Fast forward a few days latter we text again and it becomes every couple days we talk. Then, about two weeks after first contact we talk on phone. I hadn't heard her voice in 8 months. The convo went almost like our break up convo in the summer. She pointed finger at me and did not take responsibility for anything. We talked for about an hour. We did have some laughs and talked about our families. About a week later we talked again. It was more of the same. She refuses to apologize for anything. I pointed out specific things she did but all she could do was blame me for everything. I asked straight up if she could stop silent treatment. She told me no because that's just how she was. She did bring up us getting back together ... .But basically said I had to change. I'm not going to go back to that again. I'm dating a great girl now with not an ounce of drama. I'm done with her. I have my closure. We haven't spoke in a few weeks. We texted just once since then. I have no desire to revisit the chaos. I also spoke to her best friend who now can't stand her. She too was fed up with the treatment. So when everyone says nothing good comes from contact, they are right. These people can't change.

And that's right (sadly). What I like about these forums is that there are so many truly beautiful, kind and giving people on here that have been very hard done by. I see a group of people that always want to see the best in people and who are eternally optimistic. I truly believe a lot of us carry the best parts of humanity in our hearts and souls.

I also see a group of people who ignore the fundamental rules about BPD, specifically that love usually equates to need, and that an undiagnosed BPD will NOT magically get it together or be a different person.

I've read a lot of posts on these forums, dating back about 2 years now. The number of posts regarding breaking NC and being burned/hurt far outweigh positive posts on this subject. If I printed out the painful posts, I think I could fill a few wheelbarrows... .the positives, I could hold the pieces of paper between two fingers.

We (the optimists) have to keep fact and logic in the forefront of our head at all times when dealing with this subject. It's such a great gift to always see the best in a person but in this case, the potential for trauma/pain is very real.

I will offer one last piece of advice, my therapist said (when I did a FB stalk 2 weeks ago) that "you do these things until you don't" ie. the child that learns the hard way not to touch boiling water on the stove. I burnt myself when I did that, boy did I learn a lesson not to do it again... .

Good luck in your decision.

[AndrewS]

Stay away, it will just cause you more pain.

[jc1010]

Stay away man. that sh!t is no joke, like playing with a drug you've been clean of for 8 months... risking having to start over?