I've just finished with him

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear All,

I have taken the plunge and finished my relationship with my BPDbf. It won't come as any surprise to those of you who have followed my story of numerous recycles.

This time, I finally learnt that his shifts between modes happen on a minute by minute basis and thus his erratic behaviour & dysregulation truly is part of his personality. I never really believed that he couldn't change it. Now, I am convinced.

It's time to start writing that novel I've been itching to write. I've finally settled on family trees for my characters that fit with the story lines I want to include. Now, I have the time I need to do it.

I know I'll cry later, but the madness is over... .I just hope I remember how it actually was this time, rather than resorting to idealising things again.

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Dear All,

I have taken the plunge and finished my relationship with my BPDbf. It won't come as any surprise to those of you who have followed my story of numerous recycles.

This time, I finally learnt that his shifts between modes happen on a minute by minute basis and thus his erratic behaviour & dysregulation truly is part of his personality. I never really believed that he couldn't change it. Now, I am convinced.

It's time to start writing that novel I've been itching to write. I've finally settled on family trees for my characters that fit with the story lines I want to include. Now, I have the time I need to do it.

I know I'll cry later, but the madness is over... .I just hope I remember how it actually was this time, rather than resorting to idealising things again.

Love Lifewriter

[Suspicious1]

Sending you hugs. It's a good decision, of course, but it's not an easy one. As you've probably already done, writing a list of all the reasons you made your decision (maybe a list of all the things you won't miss?), along with a list of all the things you can now enjoy and look forward to. When you brain does the nostalgia thing, it's always helpful to have those things written down.

Stay strong, keep posting

[Lifewriter16]

This is his response to me saying it's over after 36 hours of dysregulation because I said I didn't want to see him on Tuesday morning. I'm posting this to remind me why I was trying to set boundaries with him and how utterly pointless and ineffective it is... .



"... .It seems the real you actually is a selfish heartless nasty spoilt b___. That's how I'll remember you. You'll always be someone I hate.

I'm not angry any more. I'm just sad that you'd rather lose me than admit you're angry.

You didn't love me, otherwise you'd face up to the fact you're angry and sort it out in order to be with me. At least I could admit I was angry and admit it wasn't entirely because of you. At least I loved you enough to do that.

I guess this is goodbye. You can sit and cry in Costa's, thinking about how I hate the person you say you really are."


What a nice man he is!

I'm not even angry with him anymore... .just sad because I've finally realised that he can't do any better. I think I'm finally ready to move on.

Love Lifewriter

[JerryRG]

   Lifewriter16

[Suspicious1]

He called you a b___? Crikey. Don't blame you for ending it, that would be a big boundary crossed for me too.

That message sounds like a bunch of projection to me. With a slice of emotional blackmail to boot. Just try to imagine yourself putting pen to paper and actually writing stuff like that to someone. It's astonishing.

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter,   

My ex said horrible things to me, including calling me a b___ too.

You know my response to reading that? My stomach hurt, and then I thought: in the past, if that was me, I would have scrambled to try and convince him it wasn't true.

I still wrestle with that some, wanting my ex not to think I'm a horrid person, but have gotten much better. Mostly because I am starting to not care so much what he thinks.

We're here for you on this journey.   

[Suspicious1]

You know my response to reading that? My stomach hurt, and then I thought: in the past, if that was me, I would have scrambled to try and convince him it wasn't true.

Me too, me too. And if I read back the old messages he sent, I still feel that rage bubbling up. Funny how, with retrospect, you can clearly see the frantic projection that it all really is. Funny, too, how similar so many of them sound.

[Lifewriter16]

I told my BPDbf that name calling hurts me. I told him cancelling dates because he is angry with me and repeatedly threatening to leave me hurts terribly too. He's seen me crying and comforted me after a nightmare in which I dreamt he was leaving. He is continuing to call me names and manipulate me with such threats giving me the explanation: "You're angry and I can't bear to be around you when you're angry.' He's doing both those things with the full knowledge of the impact they are having on me. That shows me that he has all the control in this relationship and I have no influence at all.

He says the 'real me' is loving and caring. He dislikes the me I have become (and I'm not surprised because I'm no longer pandering to his needs). He keeps telling me to be honest and tell him what's actually going on for me, so I have been doing so. He doesn't like it. He wants me to tell him the truth that goes like this: "I have all these faults and I apologise profusely for everything I am doing to hurt you. I am terribly angry with you and that makes me a rotten person and I will do everything I can to change for you to prove to you that I love you." I don't think he'd recognise the truth if it bit him on his backside. And yes, I'm angry with him now. And I have been angry with him many times before when he has goaded me and goaded me until I react so he can accuse me of being angry. That give him the excuse to distance himself from me and avoid the emotions that come up when he has to confront the conflict between his belief that he is unloveable and the evidence that I love him which contradicts his beliefs. Well, he's killed off that love, slowly. So, he can rest in peace knowing that no one loves him, just as he has always believed was the case, but I bet he'll still be in pain.

My BPDbf is frightened that he'll turn out like his dad. I don't know his dad. He just seemed like a sad old man to me on the one occasion I met him, weak, feeble and socially ineffective. But that isn't how my BPDbf paints him. He's always told me his dad is a violent sociopath. Perhaps he is. It's hard to know. Occasionally, my BPDbf has claimed that he has sociopathic traits himself (though he would never be drawn on which traits he thought he had). I think I need to focus upon that more as I heal. He may have a diagnosis of BPD but he has been trying to hurt me for 36 hours because he didn't get his own way and that unsettled him emotionally. Eventually, I reacted when he said he'd meet me next Thursday and either talk things through with me or finish with me. I told him I wouldn't be there and we should end the nightmare now. Eventually, he succeeded in doing what he set out to do, he riled me into finishing with him.

I can't sleep... .I woke up with the lyrics  'I'm starting with the man in the mirror' in my head. I don't know what that means in practice, but I guess that is where I am starting.

Thanks for your responses. We all knew I'd be back here soon... .

Love

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Here are the lyrics to Man in the Mirror:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5vz6iwV38U

Lx

[HurtinNW]

I told my BPDbf that name calling hurts me. I told him cancelling dates because he is angry with me and repeatedly threatening to leave me hurts terribly too. He's seen me crying and comforted me after a nightmare in which I dreamt he was leaving. He is continuing to call me names and manipulate me with such threats giving me the explanation: "You're angry and I can't bear to be around you when you're angry.' He's doing both those things with the full knowledge of the impact they are having on me. That shows me that he has all the control in this relationship and I have no influence at all.

He says the 'real me' is loving and caring. He dislikes the me I have become (and I'm not surprised because I'm no longer pandering to his needs). He keeps telling me to be honest and tell him what's actually going on for me, so I have been doing so. He doesn't like it. He wants me to tell him the truth that goes like this: "I have all these faults and I apologise profusely for everything I am doing to hurt you. I am terribly angry with you and that makes me a rotten person and I will do everything I can to change for you to prove to you that I love you." I don't think he'd recognise the truth if it bit him on his backside. And yes, I'm angry with him now. And I have been angry with him many times before when he has goaded me and goaded me until I react so he can accuse me of being angry. That give him the excuse to distance himself from me and avoid the emotions that come up when he has to confront the conflict between his belief that he is unloveable and the evidence that I love him which contradicts his beliefs. Well, he's killed off that love, slowly. So, he can rest in peace knowing that no one loves him, just as he has always believed was the case, but I bet he'll still be in pain.

My BPDbf is frightened that he'll turn out like his dad. I don't know his dad. He just seemed like a sad old man to me on the one occasion I met him, weak, feeble and socially ineffective. But that isn't how my BPDbf paints him. He's always told me his dad is a violent sociopath. Perhaps he is. It's hard to know. Occasionally, my BPDbf has claimed that he has sociopathic traits himself (though he would never be drawn on which traits he thought he had). I think I need to focus upon that more as I heal. He may have a diagnosis of BPD but he has been trying to hurt me for 36 hours because he didn't get his own way and that unsettled him emotionally. Eventually, I reacted when he said he'd meet me next Thursday and either talk things through with me or finish with me. I told him I wouldn't be there and we should end the nightmare now. Eventually, he succeeded in doing what he set out to do, he riled me into finishing with him.

I can't sleep... .I woke up with the lyrics  'I'm starting with the man in the mirror' in my head. I don't know what that means in practice, but I guess that is where I am starting.

Thanks for your responses. We all knew I'd be back here soon... .

Love

Lifewriter x

I told my ex repeatedly that his abandonment, storming off, and abuse hurt me. I even explained in detail how it triggered my PTSD due to abuse in childhood. Did that change anything? Nah. Because they practice zero control over their behavior.

I think my relationship started to really die when I came here, and began practicing the lessons in the staying board. I was developing this idea that maybe I am worth being treated differently. Whether he knows it or not, I think my ex sensed that I was no longer bought into his narrative. I began setting boundaries. I started advocating for myself.

My ex would mistreat me until I fell apart, or flailed. If I broke down in tears that made him furious. Do you know one of my worst memories? It was not anything he had done, but me telling him proudly how I had not cried for several months. He was still abusing me. I had learned not to cry. And I was proud of it, because I had bought into the idea my tears of pain from his abuse were the cause of it.

He also waited until I showed anger and then that was his excuse to turn absolutely vile and dump me.

Interesting my ex used to be afraid of turning out like his dad, who is a complete narcissist. Now I am not sure. I think he says whatever he is feeling at the moment. There isn't any depth to it. It's like standing in the cold ocean and feeling the undertow suck the sand beneath your feet.

Lifewriter, please remember, you are a lovely, wonderful, warm, bright, funny and honest woman who is worth love, respect and kindness.

I posted this elsewhere but here is my favorite break up song. I love the alternative, warm vibe of it, how the women aren't trying to look like models, and if you google the lyrics they are spot on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXRrySTujn8

 

[motleymoo]

I told my BPDbf that name calling hurts me. I told him cancelling dates because he is angry with me and repeatedly threatening to leave me hurts terribly too. He's seen me crying and comforted me after a nightmare in which I dreamt he was leaving. He is continuing to call me names and manipulate me with such threats giving me the explanation: "You're angry and I can't bear to be around you when you're angry.' He's doing both those things with the full knowledge of the impact they are having on me. That shows me that he has all the control in this relationship and I have no influence at all.

I know how much it hurts. The name calling (f'ing this/that, 'you belong in a mental hospital','you're a failure), the putdowns ('I can't get back together with you, but maybe we could have an NSA 3-some and you'd better last longer than you do now', the belittling comments, the storming out, the threats of abandonment. It puts you on edge. Makes you feel like you're at fault for not loving them enough. And all done in full knowledge that it will hurt and test you. And what's worse, then it's your fault for being offended/upset/angry and making them feel bad.

Could I talk about it? Not without causing another argument. Could I talk about how those things hurt me? No, because I deserved it.

I'm glad you found the strength to walk away from a toxic situation. I know it's hard, but I know you'll get through it and be all the better for it

[WoundedBibi]

This is his response to me saying it's over after 36 hours of dysregulation because I said I didn't want to see him on Tuesday morning. I'm posting this to remind me why I was trying to set boundaries with him and how utterly pointless and ineffective it is... .



"... .It seems the real you actually is a selfish heartless nasty spoilt b___. That's how I'll remember you. You'll always be someone I hate.

I'm not angry any more. I'm just sad that you'd rather lose me than admit you're angry.

You didn't love me, otherwise you'd face up to the fact you're angry and sort it out in order to be with me. At least I could admit I was angry and admit it wasn't entirely because of you. At least I loved you enough to do that.

I guess this is goodbye. You can sit and cry in Costa's, thinking about how I hate the person you say you really are."


What a nice man he is!

I'm not even angry with him anymore... .just sad because I've finally realised that he can't do any better. I think I'm finally ready to move on.

Love Lifewriter

   

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDbf texted & emailed saying that he wants to fix this if I want to because he hasn't really tried to fix it before. I've sent him this:


":)ear BPDxbf,

I have thought about your email asking if we can try to fix this and my response is this:

I don't want to try to fix this. I don't want to try any more. I know you say you haven't tried but I have. I have tried and tried and tried to make this work to the point that I became ill and was losing myself. When I tried to rectify that, your response was to say that you hate the real me. Well, there'll be no loss for you then. Yesterday you were abusive and cruel. There's no other way of looking at it. I think it's time we both moved on.

Good luck with (your daughter) and the PLO. And take good care of yourself. Lifewriter "


I feel really weak and feeble. I need to find strength from somewhere for what could follow. This is likely to be a trigger for more dysregulation. Or perhaps he'll just be satisfied to be able to believe that I didn't love him after all.

Lifewriter x

[Mutt]

I feel really weak and feeble. I need to find strength from somewhere for what could follow. This is likely to be a trigger for more dysregulation. Or perhaps he'll just be satisfied to be able to believe that I didn't love him after all.

Lifewriter x

Hi Lifewriter16,

I'm sorry that it's difficult for you. It's hard to say how he will feel or react but what's more important is you and taking care of yourself

[Lifewriter16]

In a get-his-own-back-email, my BPDxbf has just admitted threatening to kill a child with a kitchen knife. He said he threatened his wife, he didn't say he threatened a child. This is disgraceful:



"Fair enough. When I got this (email) I was talking to J (his stepson) about playing football with him. He would rather have me as a dad than his own, not bad considering I threatened to kill him with a kitchen knife six years ago. The change in his attitude comes from changes in me. It comes from hard work, and looking deep into the darkest, scariest parts of who I am. It comes from accepting those parts and learning to love them as they need loving. It comes from caring enough to about those I love to go through Hell for them. They don't have to see what I've had to go through, just how much I've changed.

I don't want to be with you either, and I no longer really care what you think. You spent two days telling me I'm controlling, angry and abusive. I think you see these things in me, but no-one else does. It's funny how I'm only controlling and angry when we're apart, when you can't see me. The person with the most destructive anger is the person who denies it, who puts it on other people. Sound familiar? I'm telling you this, not because I want you back, but to make you think. In a couple of weeks you'll be feeling lonely and regretting this decision. You'll have to live with it. I suspect you've made it out of anger because you've forgotten about how it will affect E and S (he means my daughters). Didn't E tell you not to split with me?

You've made your decision and I accept it. I will move on and forget about you. We come from different stock, I may have dumped you in the past out of anger, but I've faced up to that anger and nurtured the pain underneath. I was willing to give you a chance because I love you. It's a pity you don't feel the same for me. Goodbye, I will be fine."


I'm virtually speechless that the man who called me a selfish heartless nasty spoilt b___ can say this without as much as an apology for his behaviour. He must be completely delusional. Or is it actually me who is delusional?


Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter, you're not delusional. You're hurt, confused, and probably in a lot of pain. These relationships tear us apart. It's like this scene from the Simpsons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3Ef1WhfBzo

Can I make a loving suggestions? No more emails with him. No contact. Either delete what he writes you without reading, or block him. Same with texts and phone calls.

I've been two months full NC now and while it is exceptionally painful, I am feeling much "saner." I come here often and write out my feelings, especially on the inventory board and here.

Just reading his emails to you brought back all the horrible pain and confusion of my relationship, and how incredibly raw and disorienting it was. Please, this is a man who threatened his child with a knife and is now all fake and blithe about it, calls you a b___, projects, gaslights and blames, and is now pouring a stream of venom your way. It is normal for you to feel disoriented, weak, feeble as you put it, receiving this from someone you love. Take care of yourself, please, and let us know what we can do to help   

[WoundedBibi]

Lifewriter, please, you are NOT delusional. Just immensely hurt and confused. You know he will not apologize for his behaviour and turn everything around and make it all your fault trying to gaslight you: he has BPD.

A man who is proud a boy he threatened to kill prefers him (or so he claims) as his dad...

Block him. Go full NC. No good can come of contact. He will just confuse you further.

It was the right decision to walk away. Do not doubt that.

Write here if that is what you need, call a trusted friend if that helps you through this raw stage, but please do not respond to him.   

[Narkiss]

You are tremendously strong to do this, Lifewriter