Would you do it again?

[Ahoy]

Go on, heart of hearts answer. You got in your delorian and traveled back in time, forgetting paradoxes, would you try and date your BPD again?

Ashamed to admit it, a large part of me would say yes. Even knowing how terrible these relationships are.

Knowing this also lets me know I still have a long way left to go until I detach and become healthier.

The delorian only seats five and their is some crazy white haired professor already sitting next to me in the front. Who's jumping in the back?

[Anez]

God no.

[gotbushels]

No. A very strong no. Good question.

[Larmoyant]

A resounding NO!

[FannyB]

Hi Ahoy


I wouldn't go back to her now as too much water has passed under the bridge.

Before I got in the De Lorean I would need hypnosis to take my mind back to where it was when I asked her out. I thought she was wonderful back then - and that was what made the bond between us so strong. Without that mindset, it would just be sex.

Don't regret the relationship though - she gave me some memories that I will take to the grave and I'll always love her for that.


Fanny

[Hadlee]

NO way!

[WoundedBibi]

So going back with all I now know and feel?

No because:

- I wouldn't be able to feel the same about him again so I wouldn't be able to go back.

- I wouldn't want to go through what I went through (emotionally, career wise) if I can avoid it so I wouldn't want to go back for those reasons.

Yes because:

- I think I might have learned about me and what lessons I still need to learn but it would have taken longer and perhaps the lesson would have been less complete.

- I think the experience with him sped up some physical process which led to me finding out about this disease that has been plaguing me for years without me or doctors realizing what it was. Now I know.

- the thought of the intense love I felt, the exhilaration of knowing I was loved, the way it made me feel, the thrill, the intense happiness, to experience THOSE feelings again I would do a lot... Those feelings, that is the true addiction for me. It changed me so much I got hit on by random guys in the street because I radiated happiness. I looked different, I felt different, life looked different.

I dunno because:

- my journey isn't over yet.

My career has gotten very damaged by this experience. Is there anything left to salvage? I don't know. I still have to get healthy enough to go and find out. I suspect it is too damaged though. And then I have to go do something else. I might have to anyway as my illness is preventing me from doing a lot.

All of this might bring me somewhere complete different where I never would have ended up if I would not have jumped in the roller coaster with him. It might lead to a far happier life I always wanted but was to afraid to go out and hunt for.

Most of it was absolute hell. There was a little spark of heaven in there though. And perhaps it made me see who I could be if I could reach my full potential.

Drive past me again in the De Lorean in 6 months time and ask me again 

[Caley]

I think sometimes there isn't a choice ... until we learn to adopt healthier 'relationship practices'.

If you go back or into another relationship ... if you/we remain 'consummate enablers' and first rate 'fixers' ... they'll come back, either in the same or in a different body. As long as we create an 'environment' which enables/allows for 'boundary busting' and 'misbehaviour without consequences' ... there's a good chance you'll get your backside kicked again.

It's often said by a 'non' that the relationship felt like it was all about their partner and recounting many tales of selfishness and double standards. What is often overlooked is why we made allowances for it, instead of walking away early or 'nipping' unacceptable behaviour in the bud as soon as it was seen, and why we consciously overlooked it and the reasons why.

[Ahoy]

I think I would like to go back and experience everything again, simply because my memory is a bit fuzzy with flags I overlooked. I think there is a lot of subconscious compartmentalisation going on in the idealisation stage for me.

I think the end result, knowing what I know would truly be "Ahoy, look at all these flags, the selfishness, this is not a relationship, it's all fantasy" and walk away.

That damn fantasy is stubborn. It's eroding/has eroded but it creeps back every now and then.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad there are so many empathic no's!

[WoundedBibi]

I think I would like to go back and experience everything again, simply because my memory is a bit fuzzy with flags I overlooked. I think there is a lot of subconscious compartmentalisation going on in the idealisation stage for me.

I think the end result, knowing what I know would truly be "Ahoy, look at all these flags, the selfishness, this is not a relationship, it's all fantasy" and walk away.

That damn fantasy is stubborn. It's eroding/has eroded but it creeps back every now and then.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad there are so many empathic no's!

So you would want to go back to pay better attention, make 'mental notes to self' so to speak, so you would have a more complete picture of what really happened/what you missed in   to have more control of your current feelings and avoid (more of) the fantasizing about you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland?

Is there another way to avoid the fantasy of you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland other than stepping into the De Lorean?

[Ahoy]

I think I would like to go back and experience everything again, simply because my memory is a bit fuzzy with flags I overlooked. I think there is a lot of subconscious compartmentalisation going on in the idealisation stage for me.

I think the end result, knowing what I know would truly be "Ahoy, look at all these flags, the selfishness, this is not a relationship, it's all fantasy" and walk away.

That damn fantasy is stubborn. It's eroding/has eroded but it creeps back every now and then.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad there are so many empathic no's!

So you would want to go back to pay better attention, make 'mental notes to self' so to speak, so you would have a more complete picture of what really happened/what you missed in   to have more control of your current feelings and avoid (more of) the fantasizing about you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland?

Is there another way to avoid the fantasy of you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland other than stepping into the De Lorean?

I think time will help, I really do seem to have a poor memory when it comes down to recalling exact details.

I think I am much better equipped to see flags in the future but in a nutshell yes I think living some of those moments again, fully realising the flags would help me move on much faster.

Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!

[Herodias]

"Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!"   LOL                   

Never! I wish I knew then, what I know now. I could have saved allot of grief and money! I could have met a decent person when I was 10 years younger. I know all about mirroring, projection and love-bombing! Never will it happen again! Honestly, I don't even want to get close to people that I do not know... .hopefully I will come out of that feeling with continued caution. I do not even care about the good times... .I could have had a normal life with someone else. I feel like the person I married is died.

[WoundedBibi]

I think I would like to go back and experience everything again, simply because my memory is a bit fuzzy with flags I overlooked. I think there is a lot of subconscious compartmentalisation going on in the idealisation stage for me.

I think the end result, knowing what I know would truly be "Ahoy, look at all these flags, the selfishness, this is not a relationship, it's all fantasy" and walk away.

That damn fantasy is stubborn. It's eroding/has eroded but it creeps back every now and then.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad there are so many empathic no's!

So you would want to go back to pay better attention, make 'mental notes to self' so to speak, so you would have a more complete picture of what really happened/what you missed in   to have more control of your current feelings and avoid (more of) the fantasizing about you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland?

Is there another way to avoid the fantasy of you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland other than stepping into the De Lorean?

I think time will help, I really do seem to have a poor memory when it comes down to recalling exact details.

I think I am much better equipped to see flags in the future but in a nutshell yes I think living some of those moments again, fully realising the flags would help me move on much faster.

Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!

Have you ever written down what you remember? Returning to it to add if and when more detail springs to mind?

A lot of the conversations we have here are silly... Talking about people as if they are drugs or addictions, as if they are not real, as if relationships never actually happened... Silly is fine by me...

Let me peek over my balcony... .no... .can't see it... .must have forgotten where I last parked it... .

[balletomane]

No. I was able to date him only because I believed that our relationship was somehow going to be different from all his previous ones - that if only I was understanding enough and supportive enough, it would work out. Now I know that this isn't the case. You can't have a relationship where one person is putting in almost all the effort, and that's what we had. I felt like I was playing whack-a-mole or plugging holes in a dam with my fingers as they appeared. I would not do that again because I know that eventually the dam will always burst.

I also like the person I'm becoming without him around. At first I felt horrible, as though my ability to trust had been annihilated. I couldn't stand the person I'd become. But a very good and sensible friend said to me, "You'll learn to trust people again, but you'll never be naïve like you were." He was right. My trust in others is returning, but I also have trust in my own judgment and my own right to say no and set limits on my relationships. Before I wouldn't do this for fear I was being unkind and selfish, but now I know I have a right to look after myself.

This self-knowledge is what keeps me from wanting to go back. The memory of that excruciating pain wouldn't have been enough to scare me off even without this understanding. I was recycled in spite of the pain I went through during the first breakup, so clearly pain on its own is not enough.

[steelwork]

My first response was NO NO NO. But then I thought about it, and how in general experience is precious to me. We had some of the tenderest moments. To know I could feel that way, and to feel that adored (for a while)... .I would not want to have to relinquish those things--or the mutual sexual chemistry, which I had never and will never experience with anyone else. That chemistry wasn't lust. Learning about him was erotic. I'm forever grateful for the effort he made to tell me about his past in such intimate detail.

I would do it over if we could have parted as friends.

[gotbushels]

Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!

Not such a silly conversation because it relates to very big questions:

1. "What if I met someone similar, how will I behave?"

2. "Why am I still attracting someone like this?" E.g.:

If you are still suffering from UNHEALED trauma, your ability to have a healthy or normal relationship is pretty limited.

3. Or, one may seek healthier ways to fantasise:)

www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Judy-Garland/dp/B00000JS62

[steelwork]

You know, it's a great question. I keep coming back to it.

When I thought about "would you do it again," in my mind I replaced one all-important detail: in this scenario I leave my bf when I realize I'm in love with D., and I hold back with him until he's moved out of his wife's house.

This scenario is wildly removed from what actually happened. I stayed in my other r/s, in a limping-along way, and though he "left" his wife in the sense of telling her he was going to file for divorce, they were still living together and acting as man and wife for all the world (and their kid) to see for another year.

What I'm wishing for when I imagine that do-over is actually a whole different course of events, which would probably have ended in us moving in together and then splitting up even more painfully, because I know something about him now that I didn't know then. No matter how open and vulnerable he appeared to be, he was hiding so many awful feelings from me. He could not communicate them. I can't have a relationship with someone who hides his real feelings from me. I guess that's the bottom line.

So... .I guess it would have to be no.

I wish we would have just been friends from the beginning and never fallen in love.

[once removed]

if the question is would i recycle, the answer is no.

if the question is would i like to go back in time and avoid having gotten in the relationship in the first place... .the answer is no. i can on one hand call it a mistake, and on the other, maybe the most valuable mistake i ever made. i believe the relationship put me on the path to greater maturity, and healthier relationships, in a way im not sure i could have just otherwise learned, or at least was going to learn. i have a much higher threshold for emotional pain than id have otherwise had, and a much stronger belief in my own ability to survive.

its not, i dont think, that you HAVE to make mistakes in order to learn. but i kinda feel that way in this case. could i have just skipped that relationship, and had something healthier? well, thats not exactly the path i was headed down. could i have just learned more about myself and my issues? maybe. i did a lot of that already. i never had such clarity about myself and my issues until the breakup and after i recovered from it. i dont take that for granted.

if the question is would i do it over, and try to do it differently, i can already think of plenty of things id have done differently, but i dont regret the outcome or the breakup. we were incompatible and the relationship was not for me, it needed to end. so in other words, i would have responded/reacted in a healthier way in too many examples to name, but if id had that mentality, maybe i either would have gotten out, or the relationship wouldnt have happened. even if id been the one to leave, id have suffered tremendously. pretty similar lessons, different result, probably the same or a similar outcome, not much difference. so there are things i could have done to improve the dynamics of the relationship; it was a relationship that in my heart of hearts i didnt want.

but ill admit i have some morbid curiosity. i have an eerie sense about our final year. there was so much going on that i wasnt aware of, and there must have been so much going on in her head that i could never have been aware of. i think if i could be a fly on the wall and observe the relationship happen the way it did, yeah, id do that.

[JerryRG]

I was living under the delusion I could make a difference in my exBPDgf life, I did. I made her worse.

Would I do it all over again?

I am not under the same delusions as before, so no I would not go through this hell on earth again.

With a snap of her finger she in her privileged mental illness can take 4 years of effort and love from me and make it all just go away.

That my friends is the tragedy

My friends tell me she will still try to control my life through our son, she has no more control than I allow, my bounderies are becoming healthy along with every other aspect of my life.

I agree with you once removed, I did benifit greatly from this. Sometimes the hardest lessons in life and the most valuable are learned from pain, pain is a most effective motevater

[AwakenedOne]

I guess what your asking is if we know now what we didn't know then would we go through it again with them while trying to go through a lesser hell due to having the greater understanding of the hell and Hellgiver. My answer is no. I believe there is no way for anyone to have a successful marriage or even a relationship with her. If you give her the many desired dream babies she will still be miserable and if you provide millions of the desired dream dollars she will be miserable and she will never believe you won't cheat on her no matter what you do or say. I guess practicing SET techiniques one could have a robotic miserable existence trying to have a conversation with her that is deeper than fluff talk level.

[londons]

as usual, woundedbibi and Herodias answered this interesting question for me, WORD for WORD, just as i would have, without missing a beat.     if they hadnt answered so perfectly for me (it amazes me how exact these relationships can be), i would have answered in one loud word:  NO.   make that 2 loud words:  HAIL NO.        go back for more pain? re do the sleepless nights? get accused of things i would never do in a million years? lose friends and my sense of humor? hold my breath and hope i wouldnt get in trouble for being late cuz i encountered one red light too many on my way home? uh uh.    9 years of that nonsense takes its toll.   it may take me 9 years to feel like myself again.     i sure respect and admire those of you who even have an ounce of "yes" in your responses, but personally, i am unfastening my seatbelt and jumpin' outta this 'mobile.  wait, is the professor single?

[Fogclearing]

Yes. I probably would have dated her again for a while because I did benefit from the passion that brought me back to life (at least until BPD ___ hit the fan) after a long period of mourning my late partner. BUT I would have kept it long distance, never ever would have let her move in with me and absolutely not have involved her with my children.

[Ahoy]

Thanks for the replies all. I'm very impressed by everyone's strength and resolve!

Now I've had a good nights sleep (funny how that helps) I decided to give my spot to a kind but simple man named biff who cleans the cars on our street.

I agree with the sentiment here, for a lot of us, this was a painful (but very needed) lesson we needed to learn about love, relationships and boundaries.

Now I don't have that car anymore but I know that if I could go into the future 20 years and see myself in a loving, healthy relationship (fingers crossed) I will happily call my first marriage the best mistake of my life.

[Oncebitten]

I should say no, but right now if it were an option I'd say yes.  Still convinced I could save it, make it work.  I'd see the flags and fix it before it became a problem.  Its all still to fresh I suppose. 

I'm still a fool at this point but I will learn.

[Herodias]

Better learn fast or be sucked into the game again. Call it checkmate and walk away... .you know the next move.

[Inharmsway]

Interesting topic Ahoy,

Perhaps the narcissistic part of me would say yes based on the lessons I've learnt on this forum but I,  the real me would definitely say No. It would defeat the purpose of all I've learnt about my dysfunctional upbringing ever since I discovered this website.

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming. But after 2yrs of NC I came to realize that I was actually more in love with "my daddy issues"  than anything else. Been addressing these since going NC. Life couldn't be better. I've forgiven my dad for being absent and myself for trying to revive him through my relationships.   

Thanks to all you wonderful people on here. Big ups to y'all

[WoundedBibi]

Interesting topic Ahoy,

Perhaps the narcissistic part of me would say yes based on the lessons I've learnt on this forum but I,  the real me would definitely say No. It would defeat the purpose of all I've learnt about my dysfunctional upbringing ever since I discovered this website.

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming. But after 2yrs of NC I came to realize that I was actually more in love with "my daddy issues"  than anything else. Been addressing these since going NC. Life couldn't be better. I've forgiven my dad for being absent and myself for trying to revive him through my relationships.   

Thanks to all you wonderful people on here. Big ups to y'all

But wouldn't that exactly why if a time machine existed you would have to say yes? If you would go back and NOT go through what you went through you would not have learned what you have learned... You would be the old you not the current you.

[gotbushels]

Interesting topic Ahoy,

Perhaps the narcissistic part of me would say yes based on the lessons I've learnt on this forum but I,  the real me would definitely say No. It would defeat the purpose of all I've learnt about my dysfunctional upbringing ever since I discovered this website.

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming. But after 2yrs of NC I came to realize that I was actually more in love with "my daddy issues"  than anything else. Been addressing these since going NC. Life couldn't be better. I've forgiven my dad for being absent and myself for trying to revive him through my relationships.   

Thanks to all you wonderful people on here. Big ups to y'all

But wouldn't that exactly why if a time machine existed you would have to say yes? If you would go back and NOT go through what you went through you would not have learned what you have learned... You would be the old you not the current you.

WB just politely:) I believe when Ahoy posted his first post and "forgetting paradoxes", he meant that we could opt to simply walk away with our current experiences, or go back with our current experiences and re-experience the relationship. All to be somewhat like Marty McFly with the Back to the Future references:) This would allow Inharmsway to walk away "unscathed" and yet knowing what is known now.

[WoundedBibi]

Interesting topic Ahoy,

Perhaps the narcissistic part of me would say yes based on the lessons I've learnt on this forum but I,  the real me would definitely say No. It would defeat the purpose of all I've learnt about my dysfunctional upbringing ever since I discovered this website.

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming. But after 2yrs of NC I came to realize that I was actually more in love with "my daddy issues"  than anything else. Been addressing these since going NC. Life couldn't be better. I've forgiven my dad for being absent and myself for trying to revive him through my relationships.   

Thanks to all you wonderful people on here. Big ups to y'all

But wouldn't that exactly why if a time machine existed you would have to say yes? If you would go back and NOT go through what you went through you would not have learned what you have learned... You would be the old you not the current you.

WB just politely:) I believe when Ahoy posted his first post and "forgetting paradoxes", he meant that we could opt to simply walk away with our current experiences, or go back with our current experiences and re-experience the relationship. All to be somewhat like Marty McFly with the Back to the Future references:) This would allow Inharmsway to walk away "unscathed" and yet knowing what is known now.

You're right... .all this back to the future parallel universe Einstein time is relative stuff is confusing    Every time I think about it I see another layer to it.

[Bushido]

would you try and date your BPD again?

Who's jumping in the back?

I would say yes... .

Why ?

Well . . just to see how it would be with the knowlidge that i have now.

Even tho it isnt that long since the split...