Would you do it again?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming.

I feel this type of thinking will keep members enmeshed. There are no separate sides to those with BPD. It and they are the personality as one. It is my understanding that their only hope is to change their personality through intense therapy over years unless you believe in divine intervention to cure it.

[AwakenedOne]

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming.

I feel this type of thinking will keep members enmeshed. There are no separate sides to those with BPD. It and they are the personality as one. It is my understanding that their only hope is to change their personality through intense therapy over years unless you believe in divine intervention to cure it.

[SRbikerider]

Dear God no!

Together for 30 and married for 26. Now divorced.

 The sex was great.  The good times were really good.  Two wonderful kids.  To do it again, NO!   NEVER!

Maybe someday I will view it differently.  The lies, the manipulation, the walking on eggshells, and all the misery involved with her... .I can't imagine a worse hell than to do it all over again.

I mostly lurk here.  This question sparked a response.  

Having had a couple of years of therapy and having read countless posts here, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of what it is like to be caught in a relationship with a BPD. I am probably the biggest proponent of exiting ASAP!  Maybe mine was worse than others, but to even contemplate such a thing is so outrageous it makes me sick thinking about it.

[SRbikerider]

Oops.  I didn't realize there were as many posts to this.

Me being a jerk - for those that would do it again... .you have to be joking!  I didn't want to say you were delusional, but if the shoe fits!

Same thing to those that think they can fix it!   You have to be kidding!

Still being a jerk... .you can't fix this!  If your significant other is truly BPD, RUN, RUN, RUN!   Safe yourself!

[JerryRG]

I agree 100% SRbikerider

RUN! ! And never look back! Lol

[gotbushels]

Dear God no!

Together for 30 and married for 26. Now divorced.

The sex was great.  The good times were really good.  Two wonderful kids.  To do it again, NO!   NEVER!

Maybe someday I will view it differently.  The lies, the manipulation, the walking on eggshells, and all the misery involved with her... .I can't imagine a worse hell than to do it all over again.

I mostly lurk here.  This question sparked a response. 

Having had a couple of years of therapy and having read countless posts here, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of what it is like to be caught in a relationship with a BPD. I am probably the biggest proponent of exiting ASAP!  Maybe mine was worse than others, but to even contemplate such a thing is so outrageous it makes me sick thinking about it.

... .

Me being a jerk - for those that would do it again... .you have to be joking!  I didn't want to say you were delusional, but if the shoe fits!

Same thing to those that think they can fix it!   You have to be kidding!

Still being a jerk... .you can't fix this!  If your significant other is truly BPD, RUN, RUN, RUN!   Safe yourself!

I want to say that it was posts like this that helped me to pursue the act of accurately assessing what I was doing through all those dark days. Thank you SRbikerider. I want to recognise you as an important part of the whole community here. I post here to balance the fact that you labelled your behaviour as a jerk. Instead of or even in addition to that label, I propose also that it's honest, it can help many people, and is an important part of the community that has savoury items instead of non-savoury to the total benefit of the whole.

[Stripey77]

Funny, my friend asked me an almost identical question just a couple of days ago. She asked if i would have not met him, and gone through this last year, given my time again.

It's a tough one. He made me the very happiest I have ever been in my life, however briefly that was for. He had me walking on air. He made me see that I was right in that my previous relationship (which ended without any animosity but a lot of sadness, and we are still friends) was missing an 'edge' and an excitement. He provided that excitement. He made me feel beautiful, loved, cherished, wanted, and desirable.  And, I hasten to add, the feelings were mutual - the physical attraction palpable. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite so much for one person, on every level.

Given my time again, would I make the same decision and still have this experience? No. Sadly, I had to shake my head and say to my friend, I would not. Despite all of the above, and I adore those memories, they feel like a surreal other life that can't really have happened to me. I've been left with a pain that I live with every day. Yes, it is fading in many ways, in some ways in feels as if it's never going to go away. It has been life changing. We've been apart as long as we were together, yet the shadow this has cast is long. I've almost lost sight of myself and have described the pain as being in a black pit where no one will throw you a ladder. I am sure many of you can relate. I am a very strong woman and I will survive this. I'm finding my own way out of the pit -  but I think the scars will be long lasting. I resent the effect this has had on me and my own mental health/happiness, not to mention the endless worry and upset it's caused my family and friends. I didn't need or deserve this to happen to me, none of us did.

I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, as the phrase goes, so why in God's name would I wish it back on myself? We would have to be masochists to want to repeat this chapter. I am sure that some 'nons' must find themselves in that pit of despair and totally unable to get out.  Would you seriously entertain the idea of going back there?

What you are really describing is what we all think, wish and pointlessly hope for -  if only we could have our partners back as they were before they lost the plot/the mask fell off/they painted us black... .however you wish to phrase it. We can't have that, we know it, and to think otherwise is just fanciful. I know this feels like a nightmare, it certainly does to me, and the hardest part to accept is that it's not a nightmare, it really is/was happening.  That's where the total mind explosion and surreal feelings come from... ."How can this be happening to me?" 

We will eventually awake  from the nightmare, but not if we continually wish ourselves back in the land of nod!

Simply put, the pleasure was not worth the pain that ensued.

[Concerns]

Hmmm, tough question.

Generally, no way on God's green earth would I do it again. No way. No how. No.

My son resulted from that relationship. So yes. I couldn't ask for a more beautiful and smart boy

[Frank88]

Great post, great question.  Awesome reference to the Delorean.  My answer is definitely NO! That is mainly because I've learned enough to know that no matter what we do, they can't change.  We all could have done things a little differently, but I don't see a single situation on this board that makes me believe that any of these relationships could have worked out.  I had some great thrills.  I'm grateful to have been able to love someone like I did.  I'm still trying to figure out what it was all for.  I'll get my thrills somewhere else now.  Thanks for posing the question, because it reminds us all that we probably still have more detaching to do.  It is still shocking to me how these people act almost exactly the same, like there is a playbook out there (the painting black, the flying monkeys, pitting people against you).  It's a hit to the ego to realize you simply can't change them.

[londons]

Stripey?  PERFECT. 

[khibomsis]

HELL NO! I'm stuck with my uNBPD mom and my BPD niece whom I don't feel I can NC - the one's too old and the other too young. Plus my zombie brother whose only saving grace is that he does the day-to-day caretaking so I don't have to. The beautiful thing with my BPD ex? I got to walk away. Bless her.

[goateeki]

If you held a gun to my head, even then, no. 

Worst mistake I ever made. I'm almost ashamed that I asked this woman to marry me, knowing what I knew at the time. 

[sdyakca]

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I can create the euphoric recall of only remembering the fleeting good moments, but the reality was they were ALWAYS followed by some form of madness and insanity. My part was the denial and the hope it was going to get better. The fact was it only ever got worse. Let me clarify…once I started setting better boundaries, their terrible behavior escalated. If the goal is to live a lose-lose existence, they’d be a perfect partner, but I want a win-win experience in life with a healthy loving partner. Keeping on the right side of perspective - I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and continue to learn.

[Stripey77]

I want to add to my reply.

It would seem that, last night, I was at last 'painted white'. The silent treatment is over. The horrific spell of being looked through and ignored, has been broken. This is all I have been hoping and praying for, a  conversation, a chance to make peace. Well, we did that and a lot more, and talked for hours. My feelings for him have never wavered at any point, it's just that this last 5 months they have been coupled with utter despair and disbelief that someone could be THIS angry with you.

The mental and physical attraction on both sides is still sky high.

I am not attempting to get the relationship back, and he is insisting we can't work. He's right, considering that he's still telling me he doesn't deserve my love, and that lots of things are wrong with him. It's just that today, I now feel 'safe' and able to walk into my own town and go where i want, and not think if I see him, that I will get cut dead. I obviously proceed with caution, aware that this could change once more, although I sincerely hope not. There was a very specific incident attached to this very angry and prolonged ST and one I played a part in, and not one I intend to repeat.  If I can get on an even keel and be pleasant with each other, even knowing how very attracted we are to one another, then I would gratefully accept that. I want to be able to rub along here.

However, I already have doubts about whether he will seriously be able to see me as 'just a friend' - but that's the next chapter. He already categorically told me last night he's not interested in casual sex without feeling, and neither am I. So this could prove challenging considering how electric the connection. I don't know that he has factored in that his inability to be my long term partner will mean that I have got to look elsewhere, as i don't want to be alone. I wonder how he will handle that if/when it happens,  but he leaves me no alternative.

I digress. This changes everything.

But it doesn't change my previous answer. Even now, back on friendly terms, (long may it last I hope) and feeling the best I have in months... .if I had a chance NOT to have had the relationship in its entirety , I would make that decision every time.

Conversely, my caveat also remains: if I could choose to do it all again and have him but without the self doubt/hatred that manifests itself in lashing out, false accusations, drinking and melodramatic episodes followed by ST, then I would do so over and over again. That man has touched my soul.

[HarleypsychRN]

I got a tatoo that says "Trust Your Instincts" after this was over... .does that answer the question?

[love4meNOTu]

No.

X was a professional victim, and I believed the lies. I was stolen from, frightened for my safety and my childrens safety.

I am disgusted that I was so easily misled, but proud of getting him out of my life as quickly as possible.

[Fr4nz]

Do it again? Definitely NO.

BUT, if you ask me "if you were to go back in time, would you do it again?"... .I'd answer yes.

Yes, because I was quite young (31 years old), the relationship did last for 1,5 years (so, not that much) and this experience helped me to shed light on some of my own issues (thanks also to the help of a T), as well as understand what is an healthy relationship.

[troisette]

Interesting question.

My immediate answer: Noo.

But then I think: I would still be unaware of BPD, the red flags, I would probably have walked into a similar relationship in the future and experienced the same, or worse, pain.

What I really wish is that I'd known about BPD before I met him. Then definitely no way.

[iamexhausted]

Not just no, but a resounding HELL NO. Life is too short. And thankfully so was our relationship, at only 5 months, give or take. Still, I would be perfectly happy to go back in time and dodge the bullet that was my SO and have that five months to relive free of the constant accusations, drama, breaking up, crying, them threatening suicide, blah blah blah.

[Makersmarksman]

Yep,  wouldn't have my kids,  wouldn't have some of the great memories we have shared together, wouldn't be who I am today in honesty.  Just turning a page now at 45, I feel well equipped to deal with the rest of this life.

[Sadly]

NO, NEVER IN A MILLION.

[joeramabeme]

Yes.  If I had it all over to do again I absolutely would.  Nothing to do with my feelings for her either. 

There is no substitute for experience.  What I now know about myself as a result of this r/s is far greater than anything I would have or could have ever known in 1,000,000 therapy sessions or 1,000 other dead end relationships.  I needed to choose this person to breakthrough some very stuck places that required this r/s dynamic to surface to a level that I could look at it, name it and then have the ability to address it.  Prior to, I was spinning around in a cauldron of half-hearted affairs that I never felt fully engaged with.  This r/s taught me why that was and has given me a chance to know enough about myself so that I empowered to make different choices.