Need More Will Power

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So. I was all happy and set up to go visit my brother in another state today. But, then my exBPDw texts me. For whatever stupid reason, I respond.

She randomly mentions that she started crying at work today, thinking about how quickly we came to an end. I assured her that it wasn't quick--that she herself mentioned having been miserable for the whole last year of our marriage. She goes on to ask if we will ever be okay. I tell her that we will never be friends, but eventually we will both get over this situation. She mentions being sad that the way she handled things made me hate her. I told her that the way she lied to and betrayed me instead of asking for a divorce was cowardly. I told her that we continue to talk in circles and that us talking to each other isn't going to solve anything. That every time we spoke, it caused me a great deal of pain and to please stop talking to me. I texted that I was hurt that she lied to me and left me for someone else and to please leave me alone--there was nothing more to say.

She wanted to keep pushing it. She wanted to then tell me how a year ago, when she first wanted a divorce, she thought I was super negative and she fell out of love with me. That yes, I did change for the better after that, but she never felt strongly about me again for the rest of our marriage. She said something along the lines of not meaning to fall in love with another man, but I just wasn't doing the trick for her. She then finally, for the first time, admitted to sleeping with the other man. She told me that once I confronted her about being pregnant with his child (her friend told me she heard it directly from my exBPDw's mouth) that she realized there was no reason not to sleep with him. Apparently, she told her friend this lie for fun (?). She then went on to say how she's mad that I don't acknowledge how big of a hand I had in the down fall of our marriage. Anyway, at a certain point, I stopped responding and stopped looking at the texts.

I have 20 unread texts from her right now and am about to get on a plane for the next few hours.

How can I gather the will power not to read them? Perhaps I'll read them when I'm back on the ground, but I don't want to be stuck in the air, depressed for the evening.

Yes, I acknowledge that everyone plays a role in a relationship--but she is clearly looking for me to forgive her of her horrible, inexcusable behavior. She wants me to tell her how crappy I had been and how I basically forced her to fall in love with someone else, to bed him and to end our marriage. I'm not going to do that. I don't believe that I made her cheat. But this is still quite painful.

[thrownforaloop]

So. I was all happy and set up to go visit my brother in another state today. But, then my exBPDw texts me. For whatever stupid reason, I respond.

She randomly mentions that she started crying at work today, thinking about how quickly we came to an end. I assured her that it wasn't quick--that she herself mentioned having been miserable for the whole last year of our marriage. She goes on to ask if we will ever be okay. I tell her that we will never be friends, but eventually we will both get over this situation. She mentions being sad that the way she handled things made me hate her. I told her that the way she lied to and betrayed me instead of asking for a divorce was cowardly. I told her that we continue to talk in circles and that us talking to each other isn't going to solve anything. That every time we spoke, it caused me a great deal of pain and to please stop talking to me. I texted that I was hurt that she lied to me and left me for someone else and to please leave me alone--there was nothing more to say.

She wanted to keep pushing it. She wanted to then tell me how a year ago, when she first wanted a divorce, she thought I was super negative and she fell out of love with me. That yes, I did change for the better after that, but she never felt strongly about me again for the rest of our marriage. She said something along the lines of not meaning to fall in love with another man, but I just wasn't doing the trick for her. She then finally, for the first time, admitted to sleeping with the other man. She told me that once I confronted her about being pregnant with his child (her friend told me she heard it directly from my exBPDw's mouth) that she realized there was no reason not to sleep with him. Apparently, she told her friend this lie for fun (?). She then went on to say how she's mad that I don't acknowledge how big of a hand I had in the down fall of our marriage. Anyway, at a certain point, I stopped responding and stopped looking at the texts.

I have 20 unread texts from her right now and am about to get on a plane for the next few hours.

How can I gather the will power not to read them? Perhaps I'll read them when I'm back on the ground, but I don't want to be stuck in the air, depressed for the evening.

Yes, I acknowledge that everyone plays a role in a relationship--but she is clearly looking for me to forgive her of her horrible, inexcusable behavior. She wants me to tell her how crappy I had been and how I basically forced her to fall in love with someone else, to bed him and to end our marriage. I'm not going to do that. I don't believe that I made her cheat. But this is still quite painful.

[Mutt]

Hi thrownforaloop,



I would find that tough too.  She's floundering and blame shifting. You're not responsible for somebody else's feelings. Take a deep breath, exhale, don't respond. I suggest to give it a day or maybe more if you choose to read / respond . I would ask myself if it's an urgent matter. Take care of yourself.

[Reforming]

Hi Thrownforaloop,

I can imagine that it must be very hard dealing with this right now. I found any contact after my relationship ended - my ex also cheated - incredibly upsetting and stressful.

She did text a number of times and tried my hardest not to respond. It was really tough but it is possible and I think definitely worthwhile.

Perhaps you could move her unread texts into another folder and put off reading them for the moment. It's sounds like you need a breathing space and some the time and space rebalance.

It might also be worth blocking your ex for a while at least until things cool down. This is about loving and protecting yourself - you deserve to be safe

Reforming

[NCEA]

You can probably mute the conversation.

[C.Stein]

Yes, I acknowledge that everyone plays a role in a relationship--but she is clearly looking for me to forgive her of her horrible, inexcusable behavior. She wants me to tell her how crappy I had been and how I basically forced her to fall in love with someone else, to bed him and to end our marriage. I'm not going to do that. I don't believe that I made her cheat. But this is still quite painful.

Yea man, I get this.  My ex also told me she wasn't "in love" with the person I had "become", not realizing that she had essentially created that person.  I believe when she told me this (and some other things) she was admitting to an affair without actually coming out and saying it.  The implication was clear that in her mind I am at fault for this.  There is no accountability on her part nor do I suspect there ever will be.

In no way, shape or form are you responsible for her cheating on you.  It is inexcusable and you have every right to be angry and deeply hurt.  She wants absolution and forgiveness from you.  You don't seem ready to forgive her so maybe you need to tell her that?  Perhaps some day you can forgive her but that day is not now and she needs to know that? 

Whether you read the texts or not is a difficult decision.  It will hurt and maybe that is a way to help you let go?   Sometimes facing the pain head on is the only way through it.  I know for myself personally the last thing I want to hear from my ex is her making excuses and attempting to justify what she did by blaming me.   Would I delete the texts unread if I were in your shoes, I honestly don't know.   I think it depends on how far along you are in your healing process.  If you can depersonalize the texts then it might be easier for you to deal with reading them?

[Wize]

On the one hand, I can see the benefit of this most recent text exchange with her.  It gives you the opportunity to express a few things that may have needed to come out and it reinforces your absolute knowledge that this woman is sick and toxic.

However, the danger of this exchange is that you could get pulled back in to the emotional sh!tstorm she creates.  You run the risk of undoing a fair amount of the progress you've made towards healing and moving on. 

If it were me, I'd read the texts eventually, when I feel like it, drink a nice glass of wine and then delete that cheating scum's name from my phone and my existence. Look forward, not back.  She's belongs in your past not your future.