Not responsible for someone else's feelings?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve often read on here that ‘we are not responsible for someone else’s feelings’. What does that mean? If I’ve, for example, insulted, made a false accusation to, or cheated on, someone and as a result they feel hurt, betrayed, etc, why wouldn’t I be responsible for inflicting their feeling of pain?

[Larmoyant]

I’ve often read on here that ‘we are not responsible for someone else’s feelings’. What does that mean? If I’ve, for example, insulted, made a false accusation to, or cheated on, someone and as a result they feel hurt, betrayed, etc, why wouldn’t I be responsible for inflicting their feeling of pain?

[londons]

Lar, i am new here, but i think you are assuming this means:  1) we are the CAUSE OF their feelings    when it , in reality, means:  2) we do not have to FIX their feelings/emotions, THEY DO.

[JerryRG]

I can tell you what it means to me from what I've learned in both AA and Alanon.

We cannot be controlled by others unless we give the other person that control. No matter what anyone does or says to us we have complete control over how we act or react to them. This gives us power, the power to control ourselves and that's really the only power we have.

My exgf punches me, I ... .pause, pray, walk away until my emotions are under control.

Do I practice this? Not always but I'm learning, it's a tool I have to deal with all life stressors. Reacting is usually pure emotion for me and that usually gets me into trouble.

Anyway that's my take on control

[Wize]

"not responsible for someone else's feelings" is mostly pyschobabble because it's not realistic.  Our actions absolutely, 100% have a direct impact on the emotions of others.  However, in the same vein, I'll say that we're not responsible for someone else's behavior due to those feelings.  

For example, I may decide to have dinner in my bedroom and watch the ballgame rather than sit at the dinner table with my wife.  That might make my wife feel rejected. Ok, perhaps I should have been a bit more sensitive, that's on me.  What's not on me is my wife throwing her plate across the room and calling me names. That's on her.  What she does with her feelings is on her.

[HurtinNW]

I take it to mean we are accountable for our own actions, but we cannot take responsibility for other people's feelings.

For example, if you inflict pain on someone else, you are absolutely responsible for your behavior. One hopes you would feel remorse, make amends, and try to repair and learn from your mistake.

At that point the ball is in the other person's court. They are responsible for how they manage their feelings, if they move towards forgiving you, if they stay in anger, whatever happens.

I think in a lot of relationships with BPD/NPD we get roped into feeling responsible for our partner's feelings. My ex was constantly angry, irritated and feeling mean, and he wanted to make me feel responsible for his feelings. If he was angry, it was my fault, because I did X or Y. I got totally sucked into believing this, and felt responsible for his feelings. I lost sight that he was responsible for managing his own emotions. Plus he held a grudge like no tomorrow, and as others here have found, I was held responsible for feelings that he assigned to events that happened years ago. He escaped accountability while I accepted blame. Not healthy!

Bottom line is we cannot "make" someone feel differently. We can only try to be the most ethical, responsible and healthy people we can be, own our mistakes, learn and treat others with kindness.

[Turkish]

I've had the same question. Going to the extreme (black and white thinking), a person purposely setting out to hurt others might see this an excuse.  In the extreme case, an abuser blames their target as being responsible for their behaviors, driven by feelings which the abuser alone owns.

Couch it in the terms of an emotionally needy person. The thansgiving before last, I had a miscommunication with the kids' mom and fogot that I had given her an extra night. I picked up the kids and she called me. I apologized, having forgotten. She said, "I was had a very bad day and so wanted to see them." I told this story to my T, who said, "the kids aren't responsible for her feelings."

She was angry at S6 the other week. D (barely 4) went up to her and said, "it's ok Mommy. You're a good Mommy and we love you." Their mom told me that this melted her heart and she calmed down. She doesn't set out to have the kids soothe her, but covertly, they (especially our daughter) have fallen into the dynamic of feeling that it's their responsibility to soothe both her anger as well as her depression. While it's compassionate to listen, one person isn't responsible for another person's lack of executive control. It's that WOE feeling.

My Ex will occasionally call to inquire if the kids are ok. "I know they're ok, I'm just feeling anxious." I'm not responsible for those feelings, as they arise in her. The boundary is strong r weak, depending upon how much I enable. Strong (BIFF): "They're good, just put them to sleep. No issues." Weak: being an on-call unpaid therapist.

[hurting300]

I've had the same question. Going to the extreme (black and white thinking), a person purposely setting out to hurt others might see this an excuse.  In the extreme case, an abuser blames their target as being responsible for their behaviors, driven by feelings which the abuser alone owns.

Couch it in the terms of an emotionally needy person. The thansgiving before last, I had a miscommunication with the kids' mom and fogot that I had given her an extra night. I picked up the kids and she called me. I apologized, having forgotten. She said, "I was had a very bad day and so wanted to see them." I told this story to my T, who said, "the kids aren't responsible for her feelings."

She was angry at S6 the other week. D (barely 4) went up to her and said, "it's ok Mommy. You're a good Mommy and we love you." Their mom told me that this melted her heart and she calmed down. She doesn't set out to have the kids soothe her, but covertly, they (especially our daughter) have fallen into the dynamic of feeling that it's their responsibility to soothe both her anger as well as her depression. While it's compassionate to listen, one person isn't responsible for another person's lack of executive control. It's that WOE feeling.

My Ex will occasionally call to inquire if the kids are ok. "I know they're ok, I'm just feeling anxious." I'm not responsible for those feelings, as they arise in her. The boundary is strong r weak, depending upon how much I enable. Strong (BIFF): "They're good, just put them to sleep. No issues." Weak: being an on-call unpaid therapist.

See this is why I feel like an  abuser. She would lie to me so much and I took it. At the end of the relationship I started cursing her out bad. Now I feel like it's my fault.

[hope2727]

Ugg my expwBPD used to use that line on me all the time. He would do something truly hurtful and then tell me "I'm not responsible fro anyone else feelings". What a way to twist a concept for ones own advantage. When I gave him a dose of his own medicine (totally useless and not worth stooping to I know) he was devastated and told me he finally understood when i explained that he was responsible for his actions and reactions just like I was. Mind you he promptly did the same behaviour to me again so no long lasting learning there.

I agree with the posters who commented that we are responsible for our actions and reactions. I personally take responsibility for my actions and the impact they have on others. If I say my ex is a loser I hurt his feelings that is on me. If he calls me a fat "see you next tuesday" that will never do better than him and hurts my feelings that is on him. IF he reacts by raging at me and throwing things that is on him. If I react by crying or whatever that is on me.

My actions have consequences for both myself and others. Thats life.