What happens if you try to communicate when you're split black?

[Depression = 72% of members]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

[sweet tooth]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

[Meili]

I guess that I'm lucky. My x said the very thing that helps to keep me from every initiating communication with her. She told me, as I was running away from her, that I'm a predictor (project much? I mean, isn't it usually the prey that is running?). So, my trying to contact her would just be taken by her as more "proof" that she was right. No thanks. I'm not gonna play into that game.

Did your x ever say anything similar that you can use to bolster your resolve not to initiate contact?

[sweet tooth]

I guess that I'm lucky. My x said the very thing that helps to keep me from every initiating communication with her. She told me, as I was running away from her, that I'm a predictor (project much? I mean, isn't it usually the prey that is running?). So, my trying to contact her would just be taken by her as more "proof" that she was right. No thanks. I'm not gonna play into that game.

Did your x ever say anything similar that you can use to bolster your resolve not to initiate contact?

No, never. She never called me names. She only raged at me twice and it lasted a total (between the two) for about 5 seconds. She was never verbally abusive. Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings.

She coldly split me black. She told me not to contact her again, so I haven't. What hurts is that I didn't do anything to warrant that. If I betrayed her, lied to her, hit her, etc, I would understand. All I ever did was care about her.

I don't know what I'lldo if she ever splits me the other way. I haven't reached my boiling point. I'm loyal and patient to a fault.

[bAlex]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

[sweet tooth]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

[Mars22]

This was EXACTLY my experience sweet tooth, mine was a quiet borderline,"... Never verbally abusive, Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings... "  She would only rage over text at me, hardly ever in person or on the phone. Of course our last correspondence she became maniacal called me D%ck! and slammed the phone down on me, when all I was trying to do is help her. I let it rest a coulee days and then sent a really nice picture of us together (happier days) and she raged back how "insulting' and 'disrespectful' I was... "... proving her point by harassing her."

This posting was very timely... I was having a major urge to reach out today... must be having a good day i guess.

[Meili]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

[sweet tooth]

This was EXACTLY my experience sweet tooth, mine was a quiet borderline,"... Never verbally abusive, Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings... "  She would only rage over text at me, hardly ever in person or on the phone. Of course our last correspondence she became maniacal called me D%ck! and slammed the phone down on me, when all I was trying to do is help her. I let it rest a coulee days and then sent a really nice picture of us together (happier days) and she raged back how "insulting' and 'disrespectful' I was... "... proving her point by harassing her."

This posting was very timely... I was having a major urge to reach out today... must be having a good day i guess.

Mars, something similar happened to me. She devalued me in a two day period. We went to a Valentine's show that SHE invited ME to. She told me how wonderful I was, we had so many good times together, and we had to go to the beach when the weather warmed up. Two days later there was "no spark" and she needed space. I messaged her two weeks to check up on her. 12 hours later I received a message that said, "do not contact me again." I was shocked and heart broken. No explanation. Nothing. So I sent a message back with a brief and respectful good bye. The situation sucks.

[sweet tooth]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

Mine also went out with a random, hood rat looking black guy during one of her "I just went to be friends" phases. She made sure to post a pic of it on FB. She was dressed like a complete whore, nothing like I ever saw her dressed before or since. In hindsight, it was all triangulation.

I'm afraid if you ex, or mine, ever decides to appear out of thin air there might be some triangulation involved. God, this situation sucks. I wish she could just be the way she is in she's good ALL of the time!

[once removed]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

we often see triangulation as foisted upon us by someone else. if we want to step off the triangle, it may be counter intuitive to see it this way.

from: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

"Involvement in an unhealthy drama triangle is not something another person is doing to you.  It's something you are doing with another person or persons. Karpman drama triangles involve at least two people and often three and can grow to even more if multiple linked triangles form.

Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue. There are motivations, often subconscious, for each participant in the triangle. The reason the triangle endures is that each participant gets some psychological needs met and they feel justified in their role - often not realizing the broader dysfunction and harm that is occurring. In short, each participant is acting upon self-satisfying but unhealthy roles, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner."

[bAlex]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Dude, walk away, just walk away. I've read some of your posts and I don't think any guy deserves to be treated like she treated you.

Also, if any girl withholds intimacy, in any form, walk out the door and don't look back. It isn't fair that she gave it openly and freely to people in her past and willingly withholds it from you. You can do better and you deserve better.

As to your post above, she's right, don't get involved with her problems. True or not about the ex, being a nice guy and trying to solve her problems just makes you look bad. It's her responsibility to leave her baggage at the door the day she met you! My ex also had lingering ex's, and guys she used to screw. What I should have done is tell her to get lost or get rid of them. Her job, not mine. I didn't enter that relationship for the sake of drama.

[Meili]

I'm afraid if you ex, or mine, ever decides to appear out of thin air there might be some triangulation involved. God, this situation sucks. I wish she could just be the way she is in she's good ALL of the time!

Well, that certainly is something to think about. If we do hear from them ever again, will it just be to upset some new person?

Honestly, I'd even go back to the bad times with mine if she were to actually try and work on herself. Since I know that won't happen, I have little to fear (or hope for!).

It does suck though. The pain is not something that I'd like to inflict on anyone.

[Confused108]

That is the tip of the iceberg, she treated me awful nothing but evil head games... abortion... evil episodes... she was very cunning and twisted, very dark cold heart, I was dealing with multiple people in one person, lovely one day, hyper the next, evil the next day, constantly forgetting any commitments made the day before, out of control OCD, she was full blown BPD with narc and sociopath traits, another day she would act like a cutesy child, like an actual child with baby voice and child like out look on the world, than another day she would be and stern adult fully switched on, it was bonkers... i say daily confusion to this behaviour but she would switch by the hour too, I could never really relax... she often used the silent treatment... or maybe she was just sleeping with other people whilst I was out the picture for a few days, she would let me think she is at home and depressed saying she feels suicidal then would turn her phone off for two days, when in fact she was out partying or be having other men over... thanks for letting me rant I don't post much but read a lot her to help me make some sense of what happened to me, but yeh again... she split me black... whilst these BPDs are very similar in actions and behaviour people are different, some perhaps worse than others, I somebody else mentioned, I knew she was poorly but not that ill, but I did see her cutting for attention and head butting walls at 1 year into the relationship, I didn't know what to do so I just stuck by her, I had no experience in mental health but loved her from being love bombed and idealized, she seemed so perfect but turned out to be truly evil to the core, it will never make sense to me that all I gave her was love and she just wanted to abuse me and destroy me and constantly lie and cheat, whilst trying to keep up an act that she loved me and would never cheat on anybody because she is not like that and its been done to her before... yeh right... made out all her exs were monsters, police restaining order on the ex before me and told the police he tried to kill her, he found out she was cheating on him so he slapped her round the face, which I don't condone but she tried to exaggerate it into him trying to kill her in her sleep, he nearly went to prison for 8 years but got the charges dropped with a restraining order not aloud with so many miles of her area, all the red flags were there but I wa inexperienced to these type of predators, I was innocent enough to think she was perfect and girl of my dreams, a year in and strange things started happening, or at least felt that way... any way sorry thank you for listening

I am truly sorry you went thru this. Your ex reminds me of mine. Heartless cruel didn't know who was gonna show up next in regards to her personality.  Lies lies and more lies. It was emotionally exhausting! My ex loved to "hurt" me any way she knew how.  Stay strong! I k ow it's hard! "Hugs"

[HurtinNW]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

[sweet tooth]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

[Mutt]

I feel the same way about the healing journey and how we can learn about ourselves and how we interact with people. We get realistic feedback about ourselves with what we put out the in the world with relationships. Empathy plays a part with relationships by putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

Somebody else mentioned radio silence when their ex confronted them about their affair

Someone else mentioned they got radio silence after they confronted their ex partner about their affair. Some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder. Guilt is feeling like you have something wrong. Shame is feeling like there us something wrong with you. My ex cheated and she had to walk around with a lot of shame and I have become a source shame for her and she' s avoidant.

It helps to learn about BPD so that we can de-personalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them . We can't generalize how someone will react if we're split black but there's a reason why. A pwBPD split the people that they care abou most. Learning about splitting helps us weather the storm when we are split black.

[HurtinNW]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

Those are all perfectly valid motives. I have a lot of those feelings too. I miss his good qualities. I also miss the dream of our future.

If you did contact her, do you think you would get anything on the list above?

[sweet tooth]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

Those are all perfectly valid motives. I have a lot of those feelings too. I miss his good qualities. I also miss the dream of our future.

If you did contact her, do you think you would get anything on the list above?

The ball is in her court, so probably not:

-Communicate my feelings Yes. I can contact her and communicate my feelings regardless of her reaction.

-Re-establish the good times Maybe some time in the future. But she told me not to contact her again. I can't break that boundary. Also, I'm painted black.

-Validation Probably not.

-I genuinely miss her company Again, she told me not to contact her. I doubt she would all of a sudden let me talk to her or see her.

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that. I don't know. See above.

-I miss her good qualities

I don't know.

[HurtinNW]

I'm sorry. It can really hurt when the person we love shuts us out. 

It sounds like any contact at this point would be more about you expressing your feelings, perhaps at the cost of angering her.

My therapist tells me the only person who can change my ex is himself. Sometimes I muse, hopefully, that if he is alone long enough without me chasing him he will face his issues. But I really doubt it. And then there is the trust issue. Would you ever really feel trusting in a relationship with someone who is capable of just walking away like that? I don't think I could radically accept that.

[iluminati]

Sometimes you just have to take an L.  The reason why we're all here is that out significant others have (or at least are suspected of having) a mental illness.  Trying to fix that is a fools errand.  This isn't to say that you shouldn't communicate with them.  Exigencies may require such actions.  What I should say is communicate the bare minimum with them.  They aren't able to engage their feelings.  Heck, they're too wrapped up in their own trauma to realize that you were even there.  It's just time to move on.