Please help with any advice you have

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in a relationship with BPD for  3 years.

She love bombed me and idealized me so heavy I didn't know what hit me. I had never been loved like that before. I had never been treated like that before. About 3 months in, the devaluation began. I didn't know it was devaluation at the time because it was always followed up with more love bombing,hovering and apologies and romance. She pulled my strings and would have me so broken but I would always take her back. She was "weak" and needed me so I thought. She had so many rules and would get upset about almost everything. I changed the way I carried out my life for her and her outbursts.

Moving along to the last few years she turned a page. She no longer cared about the things she used to get upset about. She devalued me so often I could not even recognize it. She now blamed me for being "needy" "controlling" "full of drama" etc. this often left me heartbroken because I got this way from her. It's like she turned so cold to me and looked down on me for the very things that she had done to me but I was there for her.

This leaves me so hurt and confused. Mostly feeling like all of this is my fault. She would threaten to leave me and just want to be "friends". But then would want to have sex and start the cycle all over again. This really hurt and confused me. I don't know why I stayed so long. She began to be worse and worse toward me until it got so bad I cold not take it anymore.

One thing that happened very often is that she clung to me and needy me and my help all the time and I was there for her. But when she got around other people she acted like I didn't exist. Whenever I would mention it she would get mad, give me silent treatment and say I was bringing her drama when she needed me to be a better "supportive" friend. But that's what I've been all these years and more. When I would tell her that her actions hurt me she could literally care less.

I stopped engaging with her but I am obsessed in my thinking about her and what happened. I still check media and listen to voicemails from her (even though they were very cold). She has gone on in like having a blast like nothing happened at all. I am a mess.

Can someone talk with me through this? I feel so so alone and I feel like she is just laughing at me and my pain.

[Hopeful22]

I was in a relationship with BPD for  3 years.

She love bombed me and idealized me so heavy I didn't know what hit me. I had never been loved like that before. I had never been treated like that before. About 3 months in, the devaluation began. I didn't know it was devaluation at the time because it was always followed up with more love bombing,hovering and apologies and romance. She pulled my strings and would have me so broken but I would always take her back. She was "weak" and needed me so I thought. She had so many rules and would get upset about almost everything. I changed the way I carried out my life for her and her outbursts.

Moving along to the last few years she turned a page. She no longer cared about the things she used to get upset about. She devalued me so often I could not even recognize it. She now blamed me for being "needy" "controlling" "full of drama" etc. this often left me heartbroken because I got this way from her. It's like she turned so cold to me and looked down on me for the very things that she had done to me but I was there for her.

This leaves me so hurt and confused. Mostly feeling like all of this is my fault. She would threaten to leave me and just want to be "friends". But then would want to have sex and start the cycle all over again. This really hurt and confused me. I don't know why I stayed so long. She began to be worse and worse toward me until it got so bad I cold not take it anymore.

One thing that happened very often is that she clung to me and needy me and my help all the time and I was there for her. But when she got around other people she acted like I didn't exist. Whenever I would mention it she would get mad, give me silent treatment and say I was bringing her drama when she needed me to be a better "supportive" friend. But that's what I've been all these years and more. When I would tell her that her actions hurt me she could literally care less.

I stopped engaging with her but I am obsessed in my thinking about her and what happened. I still check media and listen to voicemails from her (even though they were very cold). She has gone on in like having a blast like nothing happened at all. I am a mess.

Can someone talk with me through this? I feel so so alone and I feel like she is just laughing at me and my pain.

[SoMadSoSad]

I was in a relationship with BPD for  3 years.

She love bombed me and idealized me so heavy I didn't know what hit me. I had never been loved like that before. I had never been treated like that before. About 3 months in, the devaluation began. I didn't know it was devaluation at the time because it was always followed up with more love bombing,hovering and apologies and romance. She pulled my strings and would have me so broken but I would always take her back. She was "weak" and needed me so I thought. She had so many rules and would get upset about almost everything. I changed the way I carried out my life for her and her outbursts.

Moving along to the last few years she turned a page. She no longer cared about the things she used to get upset about. She devalued me so often I could not even recognize it. She now blamed me for being "needy" "controlling" "full of drama" etc. this often left me heartbroken because I got this way from her. It's like she turned so cold to me and looked down on me for the very things that she had done to me but I was there for her.

This leaves me so hurt and confused. Mostly feeling like all of this is my fault. She would threaten to leave me and just want to be "friends". But then would want to have sex and start the cycle all over again. This really hurt and confused me. I don't know why I stayed so long. She began to be worse and worse toward me until it got so bad I cold not take it anymore.

One thing that happened very often is that she clung to me and needy me and my help all the time and I was there for her. But when she got around other people she acted like I didn't exist. Whenever I would mention it she would get mad, give me silent treatment and say I was bringing her drama when she needed me to be a better "supportive" friend. But that's what I've been all these years and more. When I would tell her that her actions hurt me she could literally care less.

I stopped engaging with her but I am obsessed in my thinking about her and what happened. I still check media and listen to voicemails from her (even though they were very cold). She has gone on in like having a blast like nothing happened at all. I am a mess.

Can someone talk with me through this? I feel so so alone and I feel like she is just laughing at me and my pain.

In my case she probably cares about you and misses you, it's just her coping mechanisms that make her think of all the negative qualities about you and the relationship. This is so she preserves herself and doesn't have to deal with the pain of losing you.

[Meili]

What will help is if you stop focusing on her and the past and start focusing on you and the future. I know that's a really hard thing to do. I know how impossible it seems, but you can (and need) to do it.

Since you're currently thinking about the past though, you can use that to your advantage to make all of it easier. Rather than looking at the bad things, look at the good (it's easier anyway). What made them good? What need of yours were they fulfilling? How can you fill that need yourself?

Start with the easy stuff and work towards the harder ones. Some wonderful people recently reminded me that any step keeps me on my journey. It's when I stop and stare at where I've been that I go no where.

[Moselle]

it's just her coping mechanisms that make her think of all the negative qualities about you and the relationship. This is so she preserves herself and doesn't have to deal with the pain of losing you.

Hopeful. Sorry to hear about this difficult experience. This point by SoMadSoSad is spot on. They have highly developed coping mechanisms for pain. Try not to read much into what she is or isn't doing. There is no real link to reality.

We can support and encourage you, but there really is no real substitute for seeing a qualified professional face to face. Can you see a therapist or counsellor to talk this through?

Where do you think you are in the detachment process?

[Mutt]

This leaves me so hurt and confused. Mostly feeling like all of this is my fault.

A relationship is between two people, it's 50/50. Don't take the lion's share of the blame, your ex has her part too, take only what you own in the relationship, learn from the experience. You can take what you've learned about yourself and relationships, and use it in the next one.