Detaching from wounds

[Schermarhorn]

She has not been diagnosed with BPD, but she has with PTSD, and Severe depression, she was also abused.

She was my first actual girlfriend, I tend to stay away from dating because I never could find anybody that clicked. I also suffer from low self esteem. Once I met her, something did click. On our first meet up, I couldn't stop thinking about how amazing this girl is. Its like she was pulling thoughts out of my head. I ended up asking for her number and we dated for 2 weeks. During this time she opened up a lot about herself, so I started to open up to her. I asked her if she liked me and she told me of course she does, that she wouldn't have kept talking if she didn't. The next day she turned into a monster. Telling me she never wanted to see me again and throwing all of my insecurities in my face. I end up getting blocked. A week later she texts me back saying her friend made her mad and that she was sorry for how she treated me. Like an idiot I kept talking to her. She wanted to meet me before she left for the summer, I agreed and we had a friendly conversation over lunch.

After she left we kept texting and she started really hard into playing the victim. Describing her abuse and how everybody always ends up not caring for her. She even admitted to her self destructive nature. Of course I tried to comfort her and then came the idealization. "No one has ever been that nice to me before" she said. A month later she tells me that I am perfected and that she wants to marry me, and with my inexperience I took it straight to heart. At this point I felt like I had found the one, and I was beyond happy. She then got extremely sexual (even though she is a virgin and is waiting for marriage). Constantly wanting to sext and trade pics, eventually she wanted me to sign an ownership contract.

After another few weeks of that she went to a christian camp to work. She slowly started to get more and more distant, but I thought it was because she was busy. I started to cling and she started to pull away. One day she asked if looking at this "cute guy" would be cheated, and that she loves me. I said I didn't mind. I end up telling her I miss her one day and she tells me that even though we are so far ahead of everyone else, that she wants to feel like shes in normal relationship. We discuss this for a while and she flat out tells me she doesn't care about my feelings and I send her a hateful text. She apologized and  everything seemed fine until the next day.

I get ignored for 24 hours and when she responds she tells me she cannot trust me anymore. We get into an argument and she insults me then blocks me again. A day later she texts me to return something she bought me and I told her I will just trash it, 2 hours later I get a text saying I love you. We last for another few days and I send her a message that this on off ___ has to stop or I am leaving, expecting her to actually agree and become more committed like she said she would. Instead she says goodbye and blocks me. She got a new BF that very day.

I tried to talk to her for a couple weeks and she eventually messages me back to leave her alone.

It has been a month since the breakup, I can't get her out of my mind and I still have this stupid hope that she will breakup with this new guy and come back to me.

I'm pretty much dead on the inside now. I failed all my summer classes and I barely eat or stay awake now. I can't concentrate on anything.

[maxen]

hi Schermarhorn    i'm really sorry for what you've experienced. i can assure you that many on this board have seen the behaviors you've seen and you will find sympathetic readers here.   

much of what you've written does sound characteristic of BPD but whatever the cause, it's her patterns you have to deal with. you're in the thick of a breakup now and the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. do you have a network you can lean on, friends or family? if she did want to come back, do you think it would be different? you can talk it out here! please keep posting nonya!

[Schermarhorn]

hi Schermarhorn    i'm really sorry for what you've experienced. i can assure you that many on this board have seen the behaviors you've seen and you will find sympathetic readers here.   

much of what you've written does sound characteristic of BPD but whatever the cause, it's her patterns you have to deal with. you're in the thick of a breakup now and the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. do you have a network you can lean on, friends or family? if she did want to come back, do you think it would be different? you can talk it out here! please keep posting nonya!

I don't have many friends, but there is one that is helping me through it. And I am not sure. I do know that if she did we will actually be able to be with each other again, because she was in another state for the majority of the time. And if she does indeed have it, I can be more understanding when she has her outbreaks. I'd also know to not play into her victim mind games.

To be honest, I just really want to talk to her current boyfriend, because if she really is just saying all of that to every guy... .I just need to move on. But I'm going to wait for them to break up before I do that.

It just sucks, because I actually do like her, and I am not even talking about the honeymoon phase. Even when she was extremely b___y I still enjoyed her company.

[rotiroti]

I would be hesitant about talking to the current boyfriend. If your gf is really BPD, it wouldn't surprise me if she said things to go along with painting you black. Things like saying you were abusive, a stalker, clingy, etc. While they are the furthest from the truth, to her they are very real and reaching out to her bf might confirm that in her mind

[Schermarhorn]

I would be hesitant about talking to the current boyfriend. If your gf is really BPD, it wouldn't surprise me if she said things to go along with painting you black. Things like saying you were abusive, a stalker, clingy, etc. While they are the furthest from the truth, to her they are very real and reaching out to her bf might confirm that in her mind

Oh, I guarantee she is. All 6 of her previous exes "broke her heart", so I guess I am the lucky 7. In hindsight though, I was clingy towards the end.

I'm just going to wait for the inevitable breakup and try to talk to her then, it's gonna be hard though since I am blocked on everything.

And I am also not going to talk to her boyfriend while they are together, I will after as well.

[maxen]

I don't have many friends, but there is one that is helping me through it.

that's good, really good. i essentially had only two, a couple, not a circle or anything. but it made all the difference.

And if she does indeed have it, I can be more understanding when she has her outbreaks.

that would be really good too, it ld be a sign of real generosity on your part. but if it's true that she has BPD, then it's less a matter of outbreaks than of an emotional disposition that is always present, and is more, or less, manageable. she would have to acknowledge her patterns (esp. her push-pull behavior, from what you wrote) and agree that they are an issue (and this does happen).

i loved my exw's presence too: she was so great in many ways. but emotions that were located deeper than i knew were driving her the whole time. sometimes her issues were visible to me, it turned out that most of the time they were hidden. we have a reading that may be of interest, The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships. we have other resources also. have a look around the site!

[rotiroti]

Did she ever recycle with the other 6?







I agree with what cloudten wrote below me.

[cloudten]

dear nonya,

your exgf is not capable of giving him anything that she didn't give you. They relive the same exact relationship as before, just insert different person. In my experience, contacting the other person is not a good idea.

You dodged a bullet. I know you love her. I know- because I still love my exbf. However, the right person is out there looking for you too.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself now. Do your best to move on. Eat, sleep, find a new hobby or pick up an old hobby, meet new people, rekindle your old friendships, and lean on your family if you can.

I know its hard. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. time heals... .it just takes time. hugs*

[Schermarhorn]

Did she ever recycle with the other 6?







I agree with what cloudten wrote below me.

I have no idea. The only times she talked about them was how they hurt her and "left her on the floor sobbing."

[Schermarhorn]

dear nonya,

your exgf is not capable of giving him anything that she didn't give you. They relive the same exact relationship as before, just insert different person. In my experience, contacting the other person is not a good idea.

You dodged a bullet. I know you love her. I know- because I still love my exbf. However, the right person is out there looking for you too.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself now. Do your best to move on. Eat, sleep, find a new hobby or pick up an old hobby, meet new people, rekindle your old friendships, and lean on your family if you can.

I know its hard. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. time heals... .it just takes time. hugs*

I know, but i'm still curious at the very least if she is indeed a pwBPD. I've already been as hurt as much as I possibly can by her. That's why I think if I got back with her it would at least work out better than before. Before I took everything she said to heart, now I know what I am dealing with.

[rotiroti]

dear nonya,

your exgf is not capable of giving him anything that she didn't give you. They relive the same exact relationship as before, just insert different person. In my experience, contacting the other person is not a good idea.

You dodged a bullet. I know you love her. I know- because I still love my exbf. However, the right person is out there looking for you too.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself now. Do your best to move on. Eat, sleep, find a new hobby or pick up an old hobby, meet new people, rekindle your old friendships, and lean on your family if you can.

I know its hard. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. time heals... .it just takes time. hugs*

I know, but i'm still curious at the very least if she is indeed a pwBPD. I've already been as hurt as much as I possibly can by her. That's why I think if I got back with her it would at least work out better than before. Before I took everything she said to heart, now I know what I am dealing with.

Would it make a difference if she was really BPD or not? To be capable of hurting another person like that seems really cruel and is a big red flag on its own in my opinion. Not to mention it sounds like she had a replacement lined up.

Sorry to hear you are hurting, are you sure that it couldn't hurt more? What if you got even closer on a hypothetical recycle, if it ended again wouldn't it hurt more?

[cloudten]

That exact situation happened to me. We got even closer on a recycle.

In my experience... .the closer more intimate we got, the worse everything got. more violent, more hurtful. and honestly, even though I knew what I was dealing with when I agreed to go back to it, it actually made it harder. I knew I wanted out... .so there was some resentment on my end.

However- I followed some advice that a friend gave me. Sometimes you have to go back and back to the cookie jar until you can't eat cookies anymore.  That's what I did. It didn't improve the relationship, but it give me the strength and will power to see that this isn't what I wanted in a relationship... .and that this isn't what makes me happy in life.

So- I very easily see both sides of the coin.

Since this has been your only relationship... .i actually encourage you to try being in another relationship or two before you go back... .even if its just a couple of match.com dates. It is very very very easy to see the difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't even on a first or second date. It is refreshing. Then if you still decide to go back, you will at least be able to see the dysfunction for what it is.

[Schermarhorn]

That exact situation happened to me. We got even closer on a recycle.

In my experience... .the closer more intimate we got, the worse everything got. more violent, more hurtful. and honestly, even though I knew what I was dealing with when I agreed to go back to it, it actually made it harder. I knew I wanted out... .so there was some resentment on my end.

However- I followed some advice that a friend gave me. Sometimes you have to go back and back to the cookie jar until you can't eat cookies anymore.  That's what I did. It didn't improve the relationship, but it give me the strength and will power to see that this isn't what I wanted in a relationship... .and that this isn't what makes me happy in life.

So- I very easily see both sides of the coin.

Since this has been your only relationship... .i actually encourage you to try being in another relationship or two before you go back... .even if its just a couple of match.com dates. It is very very very easy to see the difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't even on a first or second date. It is refreshing. Then if you still decide to go back, you will at least be able to see the dysfunction for what it is.

Did you end up contacting her, or did she come back on her own?

I just feel like it would be better this time, it may actually not.

And it does matter if she has BPD. If it is fairly obvious that she has it, I can't really take it personal when she went off with someone else in the same day.

It's not really that everything in the relationship is her fault, but at least I know that I was dealing with something that was doomed to fail without knowing what was going on. I'll know I didn't screw something up majorly.

[cloudten]

That exact situation happened to me. We got even closer on a recycle.

In my experience... .the closer more intimate we got, the worse everything got. more violent, more hurtful. and honestly, even though I knew what I was dealing with when I agreed to go back to it, it actually made it harder. I knew I wanted out... .so there was some resentment on my end.

However- I followed some advice that a friend gave me. Sometimes you have to go back and back to the cookie jar until you can't eat cookies anymore.  That's what I did. It didn't improve the relationship, but it give me the strength and will power to see that this isn't what I wanted in a relationship... .and that this isn't what makes me happy in life.

So- I very easily see both sides of the coin.

Since this has been your only relationship... .i actually encourage you to try being in another relationship or two before you go back... .even if its just a couple of match.com dates. It is very very very easy to see the difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't even on a first or second date. It is refreshing. Then if you still decide to go back, you will at least be able to see the dysfunction for what it is.

Did you end up contacting her, or did she come back on her own?

I just feel like it would be better this time, it may actually not.

And it does matter if she has BPD. If it is fairly obvious that she has it, I can't really take it personal when she went off with someone else in the same day.

It's not really that everything in the relationship is her fault, but at least I know that I was dealing with something that was doomed to fail without knowing what was going on. I'll know I didn't screw something up majorly.

It worked both ways- I contacted him at times... .and other break ups he contacted me. I think I only did the contacting thing once... .all the rest were him. But that was my own addiction to him. Yes, you can actually be addicted to a person.

My BPD actually admitted last week that he is the entire problem in the relationship. he owned it. It still didn't change anything though. He still raged at me at 3am. He still lied to me about going out with another girl. Even if they claim to own it, it doesn't change anything.

I was better able to deal with the BPD once I knew what it was. I will say that. However, I also realized that I didn't have to put up with it if I didn't want to. I wanted out of Beepeedee Land. I wanted out of the crazy. I wanted off the ride.  When I was on the yoyo- I could see it for what it was... .and I could remember what life was like without the rollercoaster... .and I wanted off even more.

But like I said, if you need to go back to experience that- then you should.  Don't lie to yourself. If you want to go back, then honor that and be true to that. talk to her because you want to talk to her.

Trust me, you didn't screw it up.

I still think you need some healthy relationships under your belt for comparison.

[Schermarhorn]

That exact situation happened to me. We got even closer on a recycle.

In my experience... .the closer more intimate we got, the worse everything got. more violent, more hurtful. and honestly, even though I knew what I was dealing with when I agreed to go back to it, it actually made it harder. I knew I wanted out... .so there was some resentment on my end.

However- I followed some advice that a friend gave me. Sometimes you have to go back and back to the cookie jar until you can't eat cookies anymore.  That's what I did. It didn't improve the relationship, but it give me the strength and will power to see that this isn't what I wanted in a relationship... .and that this isn't what makes me happy in life.

So- I very easily see both sides of the coin.

Since this has been your only relationship... .i actually encourage you to try being in another relationship or two before you go back... .even if its just a couple of match.com dates. It is very very very easy to see the difference between someone with BPD and someone who doesn't even on a first or second date. It is refreshing. Then if you still decide to go back, you will at least be able to see the dysfunction for what it is.

Did you end up contacting her, or did she come back on her own?

I just feel like it would be better this time, it may actually not.

And it does matter if she has BPD. If it is fairly obvious that she has it, I can't really take it personal when she went off with someone else in the same day.

It's not really that everything in the relationship is her fault, but at least I know that I was dealing with something that was doomed to fail without knowing what was going on. I'll know I didn't screw something up majorly.

It worked both ways- I contacted him at times... .and other break ups he contacted me. I think I only did the contacting thing once... .all the rest were him. But that was my own addiction to him. Yes, you can actually be addicted to a person.

My BPD actually admitted last week that he is the entire problem in the relationship. he owned it. It still didn't change anything though. He still raged at me at 3am. He still lied to me about going out with another girl. Even if they claim to own it, it doesn't change anything.

I was better able to deal with the BPD once I knew what it was. I will say that. However, I also realized that I didn't have to put up with it if I didn't want to. I wanted out of Beepeedee Land. I wanted out of the crazy. I wanted off the ride.  When I was on the yoyo- I could see it for what it was... .and I could remember what life was like without the rollercoaster... .and I wanted off even more.

But like I said, if you need to go back to experience that- then you should.  :)on't lie to yourself. If you want to go back, then honor that and be true to that. talk to her because you want to talk to her.

Trust me, you didn't screw it up.

I still think you need some healthy relationships under your belt for comparison.

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

[cloudten]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

I understand completely about the other relationship and thinking about her.  Every date I go on, I sit there wishing that guy was my pwBPD.

Second of all, you can contact her. Just realize that you are taking a huge risk.  If she will respond to you, possibly cheat on him with you... .there is absolutely NOTHING that will stop her from doing the same thing again... .If you 2 are together and another guy contacts her, she will be attracted to him like a moth to the flame. If she will cheat on him, she will cheat on you.

I would wait... .but at the same time I am not in your shoes.

[Schermarhorn]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

I understand completely about the other relationship and thinking about her.  Every date I go on, I sit there wishing that guy was my pwBPD.

Second of all, you can contact her. Just realize that you are taking a huge risk.  If she will respond to you, possibly cheat on him with you... .there is absolutely NOTHING that will stop her from doing the same thing again... .If you 2 are together and another guy contacts her, she will be attracted to him like a moth to the flame. If she will cheat on him, she will cheat on you.

I would wait... .but at the same time I am not in your shoes.

I can wait for a while. She is going to be back on campus in a month so it would make more sense to wait. I'm sure they will be broken up by then.

And yes, I know she isn't going to be faithful. I'm pretty sure she already cheated on me. I know what I am getting into.

Would being direct and blunt be a nono? I know it is for normal people. I know my issues were being a straight up doormat.

[Invictus01]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

When you are dumped, it isn't your option to give it another try, a personality disorder or not. If she comes back, then it is up to you to decide what you wanna do. If she doesn't, she doesn't. That's all you got man.

[Schermarhorn]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

When you are dumped, it isn't your option to give it another try, a personality disorder or not. If she comes back, then it is up to you to decide what you wanna do. If she doesn't, she doesn't. That's all you got man.

I didn't say it was. But I can try to talk to her. I just want the best chance possible.

[Invictus01]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

When you are dumped, it isn't your option to give it another try, a personality disorder or not. If she comes back, then it is up to you to decide what you wanna do. If she doesn't, she doesn't. That's all you got man.

I didn't say it was. But I can try to talk to her. I just want the best chance possible.

Nothing you can say or do that would change her mind. NOTHING. By the same token, a whole lot that you can say or do that would permanently make her NOT wanna come back even if there was a chance of her coming back. Make your choices wisely.

[Schermarhorn]

I really do want to give it another try now that I have a different mindset. But I have no idea how to.

Do I try to talk to her after she breaks up with the current guy, how would I go about it when I am blocked?

She will be living less than half a mile from me on campus, so I am bound to see her.

And honestly, if I got into another relationship I would just be thinking of her, and that would be fair for the next girl.

When you are dumped, it isn't your option to give it another try, a personality disorder or not. If she comes back, then it is up to you to decide what you wanna do. If she doesn't, she doesn't. That's all you got man.

I didn't say it was. But I can try to talk to her. I just want the best chance possible.

Nothing you can say or do that would change her mind. NOTHING. By the same token, a whole lot that you can say or do that would permanently make her NOT wanna come back even if there was a chance of her coming back. Make your choices wisely.

So you think you I should not try to contact her at all?

[Invictus01]

So you think you I should not try to contact her at all?

She told you to leave her alone, give the girlie exactly what she asked for. That's what a gentleman does, he respects the woman's wishes.

[Schermarhorn]

Really appreciate the person who changed the topic name, very mature. You know I am already upset and you just add salt to the wound.

[Invictus01]

I'm pretty much dead on the inside now. I failed all my summer classes and I barely eat or stay awake now. I can't concentrate on anything.

One more thing. I was you 8 months ago. The only difference was that instead of failing summer classes, I could barely do any work for solid a couple of months while I was in the office because I couldn't concentrate on anything. I promise you, 8 months from now, you will be think much more rationally and clearly about all this. And you will see that the person who is capable of doing what was done to you and seemingly not care about it doesn't really deserve a second or third or fourth or <insert a number> chance, BPD or not. I am not saying this before I am angry or bitter. I am saying this because once you catch yourself, pull yourself out of the free fall you are in right now and think clearly, you will never ever want to be treated like that again.

[Schermarhorn]

I'm pretty much dead on the inside now. I failed all my summer classes and I barely eat or stay awake now. I can't concentrate on anything.

One more thing. I was you 8 months ago. The only difference was that instead of failing summer classes, I could barely do any work for solid a couple of months while I was in the office because I couldn't concentrate on anything. I promise you, 8 months from now, you will be think much more rationally and clearly about all this. And you will see that the person who is capable of doing what was done to you and seemingly not care about it doesn't really deserve a second or third or fourth or <insert a number> chance, BPD or not. I am not saying this before I am angry or bitter. I am saying this because once you catch yourself, pull yourself out of the free fall you are in right now and think clearly, you will never ever want to be treated like that again.

I'm not arguing with you, if you say I shouldn't then I won't. You have experience and I don't.

I know I am not thinking clearly.

I just wish there was another way this could've turned out  :'(

[Invictus01]

I'm not arguing with you, if you say I shouldn't then I won't. You have experience and I don't.

I know I am not thinking clearly.

I just wish there was another way this could've turned out  :'(

You will be alright man. As they say - everything will be alright in the end, if it isn't alright, it isn't the end.

[Schermarhorn]

I'm not arguing with you, if you say I shouldn't then I won't. You have experience and I don't.

I know I am not thinking clearly.

I just wish there was another way this could've turned out  :'(

You will be alright man. As they say - everything will be alright in the end, if it isn't alright, it isn't the end.

Hopefully. But seriously, whoever changed the thread name kinda pissed me off.

[Mutt]

I can help. You can click the "report to moderator" on your post if you want to report your thread title to Staff.

I'm sorry to hear that your having issue with concentration and failed all of your summer classes. Do you exercise? Releasing endorphins will reduce stress.

Often there is an underlying clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, alcohol or substance abuse with a pwBPD.

That's why I think if I got back with her it would at least work out better than before. Before I took everything she said to heart, now I know what I am dealing with.

-I'm willing to accept that if I did get back with her, that it will be a challenge... .but can a relationship with a person with BPD be relatively normal if I do my part?

I'm sorry your struggling through all of this. Do you feel like the leaving board is the right fit for you at the moment? I'm not saying this to criticize, it sounds like you are not done with the relationship. Have you given consideration with participating on the undecided board with choosing a path or the staying board and learn the tools? At the least you can walk away with communication tools that benefit us with the non-disordered and relationships with everyday life.

[Schermarhorn]

I can help. You can click the "report to moderator" on your post if you want to report your thread title to Staff.

I'm sorry to hear that your having issue with concentration and failed all of your summer classes. Do you exercise? Releasing endorphins will reduce stress.

Often there is an underlying clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, alcohol or substance abuse with a pwBPD.

That's why I think if I got back with her it would at least work out better than before. Before I took everything she said to heart, now I know what I am dealing with.

-I'm willing to accept that if I did get back with her, that it will be a challenge... .but can a relationship with a person with BPD be relatively normal if I do my part?

I'm sorry your struggling through all of this. Do you feel like the leaving board is the right fit for you at the moment? I'm not saying this to criticize, it sounds like you are not done with the relationship. Have you given consideration with participating on the undecided board with choosing a path or the staying board and learn the tools? At the least you can walk away with communication tools that benefit us with the non-disordered and relationships with everyday life.

It won't let me report it because it is my thread. And I do go to the gym frequently.

Also, I didn't know exactly where to post this. ":)etaching from wounds" made it seem like this would've been more appropriate.

[Mutt]

Also, I didn't know exactly where to post this. ":)etaching from wounds" made it seem like this would've been more appropriate.

Done