How do you handle their "prosperity"?

[HoneyB33]

How do you guys deal with those really intense feelings of being upset or fearing your ex's "prosperity"?

I've struggled a lot at times with the idea of my ex's happiness. Esp within the discard period. It's just so wrong. I know I'm not alone in the, "You throw me away like a piece of trash and go off 'happy'?"

It's been a good while since everything, but still these triggers get to me. I'm trying to not get sucked into them, but it's hard when I get triggered. Something that triggers me a lot is "well-being" things. So like quotes people post or whatever (I've wrote about this before). Instead of them encouraging me, they a trigger to how my ex made me feel like I was the one harming HER, and that the discard was deserved. And then she went off happy, when I was the one who deserved to leave, you know?

So how have you guys approached this, or brought closure to yourself here?

[Meili]

You probably know my answer to this. I try not to focus on what she may or may not be doing. Instead, I try to keep things about me.

I know that people, not just pwBPD, can sometimes project something to the outside world that they are not actually feeling. Sure, they may look happy, sound happy, and project that they are happy, but inside they are dying. I have done this. I couldn't let the outside world know that I was dying inside from my break-up. I certainly didn't want her know that I was hurting as bad as I was.

So, when I start to get off track and start to think about how she's having a great time, I remind myself that I really don't know what's going on.

I also ask myself what difference it makes what she's doing? I couldn't change it even if I knew and didn't like it.

Finally, I try to practice MINDFULNESS

[HoneyB33]

Thanks Meili for the reminder to be focusing on myself. Seems I run around in circles each day to find the same reminder, . I was journaling, and this is also what I came to realize yet again. I think it's hard for me to focus on myself easily, because I was punished by my ex for focusing on myself and not "giving enough". How f**ked that focusing on myself is now a trigger? Ugh.

[Wize]

pwBPD are unstable.  Any prosperity or happiness they have is fleeting and shallow as they continue on their emotional rollercoaster from hell.  Even if your or my ex is with their replacement and everything is roses and rainbows as they move through the idealization phase, it won't be long before everything goes to sh!t.  Keep that in mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

they a trigger to how my ex made me feel like I was the one harming HER, and that the discard was deserved. And then she went off happy, when I was the one who deserved to leave, you know?

That's easy to do when someone uses cognitive distortions and projections to make emotions they can't deal with go away, we all do it to some extent, but when someone does it to the extreme and it has no connection to reality, rational thought and logic it's called mental illness.  We don't want that.

So first HB, now that you're not together and not possibly subject to gaslighting that would cause you to doubt yourself, you know what was right, right?  So there's that.  Focus on that.  And then, start to think about shifting the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, no need to force it, just start considering that, and also focus on looking internally and creating a centered space within you, and validating yourself; these relationships can do a number on our ability to do that, and what we need coming out of them is compassion, empathy and validation, sometimes we have people in our lives that give us those, but best to focus on and practice giving them to ourselves, and the rest is gravy.

This is a great opportunity really, the possibility of creating the life of our dreams from scratch, keeping the things we like about ourselves and chucking the rest, and if you look at it as the best project you'll undertake, it will become about you and not her, and if you put enough energy there she will just fade into the past unnoticed, because you're too busy living.  :)oesn't happen overnight, but starting that journey can happen in a heartbeat.  Take care of you!

[Meili]

Thanks Meili for the reminder to be focusing on myself. Seems I run around in circles each day to find the same reminder, . I was journaling, and this is also what I came to realize yet again. I think it's hard for me to focus on myself easily, because I was punished by my ex for focusing on myself and not "giving enough". How f**ked that focusing on myself is now a trigger? Ugh.

Sadly, this seems to be a very common thing. Nons are frequently brainwashed to put themselves second. It takes a period of reprogramming get out of it. All that you can really do is keep reminding yourself that it is about you at this point, and not her.

I'm not sure if this will work for you, but is there something that you can carry or wear (like a new watch or piece of jewelry) that will remind you that it's about you every time that you see/feel it?

I know that might sound silly, but every time that I would feel my CoDA coin in my pocket, I would remember that it's about me, not my x.

Do you think that something like that would work for you?

[fromheeltoheal]

Nons are frequently brainwashed to put themselves second. It takes a period of reprogramming get out of it.

Yes, a some are more predisposed to accepting the washing than others, myself included.  So where did that come from?  Why was that a decision we made at some point in our lives, probably very early, and what were the conditions that made that decision look like the best way to cope?  Lots of work and value digging there, with one piece of value being it will shift our focus away from our ex and towards us learning much more about ourselves, a very worthy venture.

[JerryRG]

Not sure I can help or if this is even rilavant but in AA (my relationship to my BPDexgf was my addiction) we are told to spend 50% of the same amount of time we were in the addiction and put that toward our recovery and we will have successes.

Not sure why this popped into my head, someone in this post said we need to work at getting well?