The Cats well and truely out the bag

[DazedD40]

So i allowed myself to get charmed back in to a, FWB, kinda situation over the past two weeks and in addition i stopped coming on here, forgot my thoughts, ignored all the advice given both on here and in the real world and guess what happened? Yep, discarded again however after this weekend i have no doubts left that she is full on NPD and completly bonkers with it.

Hers what i learnt:

She wants the best bits from me, ie, sex and intamacy and nights out as FWB

She did cheat on me on the night a red flag popped up 3 months which she lied about and gaslighted me on saying i should trust her and to stop being so insecure

She has been in cionstant contact with 2 ex boyfriends, 1 of which she is recycling still whilst claiming to need me. He has money and can provide her stability

She has been sleeping with me whilst have threesomes with her friend and her husband whilst proclaiming she wasnt having sex with anyone

Apparently though she needs me in her life and im her best friend!

Whilst under the influence she went on about how she thinks she should start social clensing by killing people off.

Said that her next man will be one that can provide her with a house, finaicial stability but she will not love them and will use them as her emomotional punchbag and asked if i would be happy to still see her once she has this.

Discussed becoming an escort to raise enough money to buy a house

In total shock, anger and disbelief at the betrayal, gaslighting and everything that comes with her. Im disguisted by her and feel like she has severed any tie we had.

Im so upset but been left with no doubt at how mad she really is and after yesterday i will no longer have anything to do with her.

[Leonis]

Sometimes, we just need to be hit by a train in order to hate the idea of standing on the rails during active transport.

[DazedD40]

Im screwing about the whole thing and feel ready to kick off properly. Ive never felt so angry and hurt. I know these guys and i found out she paraded me about in front of the guy she cheated on me the very next week. Then looks at me saying she lovbes me and needs me!

Im not a horrible person but i hope she experiences hell on earth for the rest of her days.

Proper, C U Next Tuesday!

[seenr]

Hi DazeD40

I think most of us can identify with the sense of shock you are feeling. To my knowledge, the one thing I haven’t had to deal with was infidelity but other than that I can identify with the other things you mention.

The gaslighting is one that really hurts. When your partner is trying to tell you that something did/didn’t happen and you know they are brainwashing you – it is hurtful and confusing.

While your post conveys a lot of hurt and emotion, do you still hope for her to change enough for you to be with her? I know I am still in fantasy land a little, waiting for my ex to say ‘I want to be with you and will do whatever it takes to make it work’. Chances of it happening – 1%.

Don’t beat yourself up about going off this board, we all do it. We ignore the advice, the well wishers and we go for the drug. I’ve done it a few times. When I look back at my Ex’s behaviour over a 3+ year period, it is appalling, but I am the problem. I have allowed her back into my life over & over. What is it about me that takes that rubbish?

Hope things are ok with you and that you can move forward.

[DazedD40]

My anxiety is at an all time high, im angry, hurt and resentful and i want to kick off! I was so in shock she pretty much got off scot free but now i am ready to unleash hell on her and these guys shes been playing around with.

Please tell me how i hold this down as im screwing and ready to kick off

[seenr]

DazeD40

don't do anything that is going to cause hurt to yourself.

As for these other guys - just let them be I think. They might be feeling like you are now when they find out the truth about her.

Focus on yourself & what you need right now. If you need to go to a gym & punch a punch bag, just do that.

[Herodias]

It doesn't do any good to tell anyone else about her- she will paint you to look crazy and it will work. This is the final discard... .she is telling you the whole story about what is in her head. Mine did the same at the end. It's horribly disturbing to hear and see the attitude, I know. You just have to be glad you are out. It is shocking how these people can be. No really emotion behind what they say... .be glad you are out and now focus on how you can move on and be happy again. I get the anger. I still have it at times too. Mine has had karma hit- his gf got pregnant, she is stuck with a reminder of her cheating on her husband with mine (she met me), he is stuck paying for baby that he just is going to use as an object while he hunts other women, he lost his great job he had when he was with me... .which came with a life style he totally enjoyed. He is poor now and not happy about it I am sure. Everything is about the baby and not him. I can only imagine how bad this can go... .They get their karma- trust me... .do nothing and be the better person. The way you get revenge on a narcissist is to ignore them! Thats the truth... .

[seenr]

Fact

they hate being ignored.

The way you get revenge on a narcissist is to ignore them! Thats the truth... .

[DazedD40]

Im done with her! I did start going off on txt at her but decided to block her.

Im sorry guys i have been posting here this morning with a lot of anger but thats where i am.

[Herodias]

We understand... .it's really hard not to be angry.

[DazedD40]

Im on the verge of telling her that shes NPD/BPD and to look it up and educate herself but do you know what i dont think i should. Why should i tip her off. Let the cow rot in hell especially when her kid discards her when she grows up and susses her out.

[DazedD40]

We understand... .it's really hard not to be angry.

Ive never known betrayal like this before!

[Herodias]

Absolutely do not tell her... .they always say that. She needs a therapist to do it. She will only use that to her advantage and not use it in a healthy way. She won't care or believe you anyway. That word is thrown around allot. Keep it to yourself.

[Herodias]

We understand... .it's really hard not to be angry.

Ive never known betrayal like this before!

I know... .it is sick and twisted. Totally rotten to the core.  Nothing we can do but see it for what it really is and stay away.

[DazedD40]

The scary thing is shes adamant that her mental health is much better now shes split with me, was all my fault apparently, is feeling great now shes reducing her anti depressants, yet from what ive seen from her and heard from her shes gone totally bat s*&t crazy. Even found out shes been stalking me using fake social media profiles.

Somehow she thinks she is back to her best. Yeah because well people discuss joining terrorist sympathiser cells and talk about killing off society.

[JerryRG]

Lol DazedD40

I don't mean to laugh and I'm not laughing at you but what you said about your ex saying how "well" she is now. My ex posted something about "are wichcraft spells real? I'm very afraid now, I'm doomed!"

Yes my exgf is "well". No she's totally BSCrazy too and always has been. Don't listen to what they say, it's actions that prove who and what they are.

My exgf used to talk about the world ending and she couldn't wait for everyone to just die already. Happy happy happy

[Fr4nz]

The scary thing is shes adamant that her mental health is much better now shes split with me, was all my fault apparently, is feeling great now shes reducing her anti depressants, yet from what ive seen from her and heard from her shes gone totally bat s*&t crazy. Even found out shes been stalking me using fake social media profiles.

Somehow she thinks she is back to her best. Yeah because well people discuss joining terrorist sympathiser cells and talk about killing off society.

You know, these are the same dynamics I endured 1,5 years ago, just after the breakup. It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal; I see you're reacting in the very same way... .it's normal, since healthy people do not behave like this.

As a side note, it's incredible to see how lots of sufferers lack the minimum amount of decency required to manage civilly the aftermath of a finished relationship, how they throw you away like a complete piece of trash.

But hey, they are ill, we cannot pretend "normalcy" from them. Also, you shouldn't take these behaviours personally (I know, I know... .it's very hard to NOT do that now), because they repeat the very same mind-boggling actions/thoughts with all their partners.

If you can, immediately establish no contact and let her go, this is the only way to win this horrible game without taking further lumps.

[once removed]

im confused: you said this was a friends with benefits relationship, yes? those are tricky to navigate especially with past hurts and expectations playing a role.

[DazedD40]

We were together for 4 years and split up 2 months ago, i then ended up being recycled after a failed NC attempt on my behalf. I thought i could do the FWB thing and stay detatched slightly but low and behold our FWB arrangment turned in to an opportunity for her to kill me off with the final discard.

[once removed]

i can imagine this would be pretty challenging.

our FWB arrangment turned in to an opportunity for her to kill me off with the final discard.

can you elaborate? has she cut contact?

[Rayban]

DazedD40


I also thought having a better knowledge of BPD I could handle a FWB relationship with her. Boy was I wrong. I also allowed myself to be reengaged in the madness. At this point, I believe she knew I had seen behind the mask. Keep in mind that they are hypersensitive, and could detect the slightest change in attitude. In my case, I believe that she knew I was just in it for the sex. I had already confronted her about her flirting and other orbiters hanging around her. Rightfully so, she punished me for my foolishness.

I think she agreed, just to inflict more emotional abuse on me. Basically she knew the end was near, and didn't hold back in reveling some scary stuff about herself. She had no qualms about making it known that she has been seeing other people. When I was it her, she admitted to seeing just one guy when we were not together, and apparently it was just a date where nothing happened.  This now turned into I shouldn't be insecure THEY MEAN NOTHING TO HER. They as in several.

She began playing on all my insecurities, and making it seem like I wasn't good enough for her. FOG cleared and I basically told her that the other guys could have her, and I won't be fooled any longer. Out came the crocodile tears, and supposed panic attack, inflicting more guilt on me. Put her in a cab Friday morning, and haven't spoken to her since.

I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at myself for being played like a fool again. I took a major step back, but you know what it also made me see clearer. Let her other men deal with the pain and suffering, they will learn the same lessons as the ones before me and the ones to come. Anger is normal, but I choose to channel this elsewhere. Most importantly on me.

If I could offer you any advice, is cut all contact with her, don't text her about her mental illness. She might contact the police and get a RO on you, not to mention smearing you. You will just feed her the drama and chaos she feeds on. You will also still be stuck in their madness.Don't stoop to her level. Just learn and move on. This could end up being a blessing in disguise.

[DazedD40]

Bang on the money there mate as its me im angry with. I'm angry I loved her and that the ending was the one I knew in my heart of hearts was going to happen. Ok it can be argued that she ended it two months ago but this is the real ending.

I knew what was going on and like you I had read the stories and done the research, so knew this was a charm and I allowed it to happen. I knew prior to seeing her something unpleasant was coming. The stories I have read told me what was coming.

One major plus is that I know I wasn't going mad and that I was right. One thing thinking you know and then actually finding you were indeed right is a tough pill to swallow. Wasn't expecting it to hurt so much.

Thank you all for your responses. My apologies for going off the deep end.

[shatra]

Dazd why is she telling you about all these other people? To get a reaction? Some other reason?  SOmetimes they deny it why is she admitting  to the infidelity?

Fr4nz wrote--- It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal;

----Why did they suddenly change? Was it emotional repression/cut off because it would be too paiinful to "feel" the loss of you?

[Fr4nz]

Fr4nz wrote--- It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal;

----Why did they suddenly change? Was it emotional repression/cut off because it would be too paiinful to "feel" the loss of you?

Assuming that we are dealing with a BPD, reasons can be varied, complex, and intertwined, depending on the specific situation. However, they all stem from the fact that this is an "attachment" disorder, where the sufferers' true-selves failed to develop correctly during early childhood -- basically, they failed to fully detach from their primary caregiver (usually, the mother) for some reason and develop their own self. From here the fears of abandonment and engulfment.

Trying to sum up, the main reasons can be these.

(1) they may (apparently) move on very quickly because they did some horrible action towards you, for whatever reason; thus, to avoid facing shame and recognize their own mistakes, they blame everything onto you (distortion of reality), cut you off, and move on.

(2) it may also be that, over time, you are seen more and more as "the" hypercritical parent (mind that this happens at subconscious level), the one - usually the primary caregiver, i.e., mother - who was cold, uncaring, hypercritical or unaffectionate during their childhood. This process is typically triggered by some perceived criticism (or uncaring) from you, thus ending the honeymoon phase and kickstarting the clinging/devaluing phases; in any case, the end result is the same: they treat you badly and move on to another person. This is probably the most common dynamic we experience, in one form or another.

(3) Another reason is due to fear of engulfement, which develops over time as the couple gets closer and more committed. I guess that this case stems from case 2, since the fear of engulfment comes from their perception that the partner - at some point - does not allow them to be "who they truly are" (hypercritical parent). Again, the end result is the same.

All in all, it's a game we are doomed to lose. Mind also that this "moving on quickly" do not allow BPD sufferers to process the failures of their past relationships; as a consequence, they bring on with them the related traumas and they do not learn from their past mistakes, since they tend to always assume the "victim" role.

[Rayban]

Fr4nz wrote--- It was mind-boggling for me, since it felt like having to face a different person -- a very cold, cruel, unempatetic and unloving person -- and a sensation of complete betrayal;

----Why did they suddenly change? Was it emotional repression/cut off because it would be too paiinful to "feel" the loss of you?

Assuming that we are dealing with a BPD, reasons can be varied, complex, and intertwined, depending on the specific situation. However, they all stem from the fact that this is an "attachment" disorder, where the sufferers' true-selves failed to develop correctly during early childhood -- basically, they failed to fully detach from their primary caregiver (usually, the mother) for some reason and develop their own self. From here the fears of abandonment and engulfment.

Trying to sum up, the main reasons can be these.

(1) they may (apparently) move on very quickly because they did some horrible action towards you, for whatever reason; thus, to avoid facing shame and recognize their own mistakes, they blame everything onto you (distortion of reality), cut you off, and move on.

(2) it may also be that, over time, you are seen more and more as "the" hypercritical parent (mind that this happens at subconscious level), the one - usually the primary caregiver, i.e., mother - who was cold, uncaring, hypercritical or unaffectionate during their childhood. This process is typically triggered by some perceived criticism (or uncaring) from you, thus ending the honeymoon phase and kickstarting the clinging/devaluing phases; in any case, the end result is the same: they treat you badly and move on to another person. This is probably the most common dynamic we experience, in one form or another.

(3) Another reason is due to fear of engulfement, which develops over time as the couple gets closer and more committed. I guess that this case stems from case 2, since the fear of engulfment comes from their perception that the partner - at some point - does not allow them to be "who they truly are" (hypercritical parent). Again, the end result is the same.

All in all, it's a game we are doomed to lose. Mind also that this "moving on quickly" do not allow BPD sufferers to process the failures of their past relationships; as a consequence, they bring on with them the related traumas and they do not learn from their past mistakes, since they tend to always assume the "victim" role.

Blew my mind Fr4nz


Took a call from her today, and of course she took Zero responsibility for our inability to make this work. I put my phone to my ear, and listened to a 30minute monologue, on how cruel and insensitive I am to her needs. She recommended I seek professional help for my issues, and she asked if I was willing to see a therapist for her ... .at this point I had to speak, and I told her I would gladly do it, if she was willing to do the same ... .and she asked me not to deflect the blame one her What the heck ? She then proceeded to list examples, where I didn't open the car door for her, and how I don't take her seriously. She deserves to be treated better? At this point I understood that I was to take 100% of the blame, shut my mouth, be a doormat and accept that she will always do what she wants and I'm held to different standards. She took zero responsibility. In her mind I'm just like all the other insensitive jerks that bully and punish her. She is an eternal victim. No learning from past experiences, defense mechanisims strongly in place, I am supposed to love her unconditionally.   

[Fr4nz]

Hah! I was subjected to the same kind of petty criticism just after the breakup. She complained about the most stupid things... .for example, she complained that I used an old backpack, instead of a trolley, when I was visiting her in her city (we had a medium distance relationship)... .and used this to accuse me that I am not a grown man!

Just a bunch of BS you shouldn't even pay attention to... .this is pure "splitting black" in action.

[Leonis]

Hah! I was subjected to the same kind of petty criticism just after the breakup. She complained about the most stupid things... .for example, she complained that I used an old backpack, instead of a trolley, when I was visiting her in her city (we had a medium distance relationship)... .and used this to accuse me that I am not a grown man!

Just a bunch of BS you shouldn't even pay attention to... .this is pure "splitting black" in action.

Or, these are things that have been upsetting her for a while, but she just chose to say nothing because it was the honeymoon/ideal phase and simply kept tally of things.

That's how my ex is/was with our relationship. She can trace back a year about something obscurely petty to make her point. And when asked why she didn't bring it up if it upset her? "Oh, I think it's hurtful to criticize like that, but I just can't take it anymore."

Bull crap. It's hurtful to pretend everything's okay when it's not. These folks and their pettiness along with emotional immaturity.

[DazedD40]

Apprently she thinks we are evolving and we will never truely be "over"! The more she speaks the nuttier she sounds.

Ladies and Gentlemen, im am out of this and running to the hills hahaha...

How mental can a persobn be to treat someone with such hate and distain that they think you'll be there and happy to work at things? Yes i love her but im starting to realise i love myself a bit more than i do her.

She there tapping up fresh supply yet still expects me to be there at her beck and call. Nope not this time.

Bloody nutjob

[JerryRG]

Hey DazedD40

Can you say "narcissist"?

That's pretty much how my exBPDgf thinks too, she thinks I'm going to help her after the h*** we've been through and I'm going to be a pawn in her creating jealousy in her bf.

We are mearly objects for their pleasure, and that is no longer acceptable to me.

Glad to hear you're ending the madness as well. We deserve so much better and the sad thing is, "they believe they are normal"

Ah ha ha ha ha

Run run run

[DazedD40]

Its all i do say and after this weekend its all i think when i look at her. Shes no longer the woman i knew or loved and i refuse to be a pawn in her sick games.