Realizing that she won't contact me

[fromheeltoheal]

In fact, with most people that ever get an ex back, they themselves say it was when they focused on themselves, just stopped caring if the ex ever came back, and then just lived their life. THEN the ex came back.

In our cases here, it would be a bit of a difference in situation if an ex came back, as they've changed so drastically.

And if we've used the experience to learn a grow, the gift of the relationship, we've changed too.  In my case my ex would be unattractive to me today, and probably me to her, since I was not in a good place when we met and very susceptible to someone needing to attach to feel whole.  Amazing how our own personal growth also brings more mature, emotionally healthy people into our lives, because we've raised our own level, and it takes what it takes.

[Sadly]

Here you go Indi   you can share my letting go poem if you want X


It's time to let you go now though it breaks my heart in two
My life is being wasted as I wait around for you.
I would have gathered every star for you and wrapped them in the moon
Sprinkled stardust on your footsteps, danced to every loving tune
I thought that this was our dream but turns out was only mine
And I cannot bear the knowing now that we've run out of time
So it's time to let you go my love our paths divide at last
Please don't come running back this way, you know our time is past.
I don't want to see the flatness of your gaze as it meets mine
Where once your eyes were dancing fires so brightly did they shine
I have to let you go now and you must let go of me
I wish for you such happiness I'll not be there to see
But please my love just tell me did you ever care at all
Or did you always know then that one day you'd let me fall.
You will never know another who will love you like I do
But please I beg you do not call
I will not answer you.

Love from Sadly xx

[kc sunshine]

I think I am still holding onto a sliver of hope, though it is getting dimmer and dimmer every day that she doesn't contact me and is with her new girlfriend. How did others let go of hope?

The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, hard to do, but necessary to detach.  Do you see yourself getting closer to letting go of hope entirely Indifferent?

[hurting300]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

They remember who you are. You can't forget a person ever existed. When I broke up with my ex the first time, I remember her telling me this (when I saw you I started to remember how much I liked you). I will always remember her saying that. Do they forget WHO you are? No. They do however forget feelings I think.
So do they think of us still?

[Indifferent28]

Sadly,
Great heartfelt poem you have there! I think everyone on this board can certainly relate.
Great job!

Hurting300,

That makes sense. Do you think they ever undermine residual feelings for us, so they can feel better about their decision to move on?

[Indifferent28]

and hurting300, did you believe your ex when she told you that? and what happened between you guys after she told you that?

[steelwork]

They remember who you are. You can't forget a person ever existed. When I broke up with my ex the first time, I remember her telling me this (when I saw you I started to remember how much I liked you). I will always remember her saying that. Do they forget WHO you are? No. They do however forget feelings I think.

This sounds like my experience. After absences he'd say stuff like "I forgot how fun you are." Conversely, he sometimes said the bad feelings about our situation didn't become reality until I went away. I think this is a large part of why he refused to talk face to face after he dumped me.

KC, I don't have much cellular service where I am, but I've been thinking of you and feeling your pain. Hope is a ass sometimes. But only when its misplaced-- and you have to hold onto your ability to trust even when it's a source of pain. You will take your sweet, good spirit with you when you finally do leave this lonely phase of your life.

[Indifferent28]

Well steelwork and hurting300,

now it sort of brings stuff back to me as well. My ex and i worked together  after breaking up. and i remember her saying it was "easier to move on/not talk to me" when she didn't have me there, seeing me and being tempted to speak to me. That's why she'd be so quiet the days following the weekend, because she had adapted to not seeing me over the weekend.

Steelwork, what's your current situation with your ex? do you guys speak at all?

Do you think hope is the reason any of us here are posting? I know if i didn't have some lingering, i wouldn't  be here. as well as some people here probably.

[steelwork]

We have no contact at all. He froze me out once for a month, reconnected after I wrote him a letter, then froze me out permanently over a year ago. And yeah, I know I am still shaking off the last crumbs of hope. Trying to do so with minimal damage to my own psyche. How about you?

[steelwork]

oops, duplicate post.

[Indifferent28]

Could you ever forgive him if he did come back?

I am trying to move on now, because I can't feel this low anymore. We broke up a little over a year ago but since we worked together, we still saw each other and had communication. I thought we were actually building back up. We had began talking friend wise like normal again, and then she overnight jumped into a relationship with someone she barely knew. She acted like she didn't know why i was so upset those following few days.

Anyway, she was fired at the beginning of this year.
since then, we haven't talked, except maybe one or two meaningless texts. So about 5 months of no contact now.
I look at her social media even though we aren't friends but it keeps me stuck because each time i get a glimmer of hope from a post where she seems sad (i think maybe she misses me) well... .then right after, she posts something with the replacement and how in love they are. So it restarts my sadness, anger, and it's a never ending cycle.

It will always be this way unless i stop looking.

[steelwork]

I have already forgiven him. That was easy for me. But it doesn't mean I would take up with him again. (I don't know if I would.) it's just that I learned or realized so much about him (and us) in these months and months of silence. He's a cipher. And I don't want to be with someone who could treat a friend this way.

I did a lot of looking. Not that there's much to look at-- mostly just looking for any cyber footprint at all, and I am finding I'm less and less curious as he becomes "someone I used to know." I haven't been strict about it. I guess I felt like it was hard enough not actually writing to him. I cut myself slack on the other stuff. But if looking at her social media is really holding you back, maybe you could try a "diet" on that. Like, just tell yourself you will take a week or a month off?

[kc sunshine]

I have this problem with social media too. I am really struggling these days . It's day 9 of NC, one week since I've been back in the city we both live in. I guess that is not too much time, but it seems like it is getting worse not easier.

[Rayban]

I have this problem with social media too. I am really struggling these days . It's day 9 of NC, one week since I've been back in the city we both live in. I guess that is not too much time, but it seems like it is getting worse not easier.

I work with my BPDex, and it's been 1 full week of no contact.  I have to see her every day, but have managed to avoid her, and she is avoiding me. Haven't crossed paths with her and I'll try to keep this up.

The hardest part of no contact is the roller coaster ride of feeling strong one day,  and making progress  (yesterday ) and waking up today missing her and feeling weak. I'm working on changing my thought process and lift myself up.

[Hopefulgirl]

After being frozen out for a month completely Im considering writing to my BPD guy. From seeing what people have written about the effects of doing something like that Im kinda scared. About two weeks ago he clicked "like" on two fb posts and it actually gave me a glimmer of hope that he doesnt suddenly hate me and we can be friends on some level.  That's what it has come to... .seeing hope in something that bane.

I try to remind myself of his faults every day, but I still miss him so terribly. Emotionally, spiritually, hormonally (thats sorta killing me  )

One of the last things he texted to me was "you are upset, and I dont have the coping skills or patience to understand why".  I think like probably most people on this board think, Im just exhausted of trying to explain basic human emotions to this person.

[bunny4523]

It's not so much realizing that your ex won't contact, it's more so getting to the point where you realize you don't want her to. Isn't that the goal in detachment?

right?  I think some people are forced to detach and there are some that only part of them wants to detach and the other part still has hope.  That's got to be so painful and difficult.

I'm detached and very happy to have made it here.   It took alot of hard work and this site helped so much.

Bunny

[HurtinNW]

This has been one of the hardest things for me too.

In the past my ex would always contact me. A few days to weeks after one of his abusive break-ups, I'd get the apology email or letter or call. I realize now they were not real apologies. I'm sure he felt them, but is unable to really take ownership of his actions. But eventually he would reach out.

Not this time. I suspected this was the final discard and now, four months later, I know it is. I know he is not going to contact me. Eventually we will run into each other, and who knows what will happen. But he cut me and my kids out of his life like we were cancer. And he has done his best to portray me that way to others, as if I am cancer and awful and he saved himself from me.

One thing I am realizing: this kind of ghosting is yet another, bizarre, way to keep the dysfunction alive. It leaves all the hurt and resentment and pain right there, unsolved. It is incredibly immature and selfish, though I know pwBPD/NPD can't see that. It's up to us to heal ourselves and move on.   

[Hopefulgirl]

It's up to us to heal ourselves and move on.

The last thing I texted him was "Ive loved and cared about you and have never wronged you in any way but I consider myself to be discarded by you for the last time" and I regret that I wrote that. I actually thought he would message me back and say that he wasnt discarding me, that he cared about me and it was all just miscommunication and we would get together and talk after he got back from his trip.  I just got silence.  The ghosting doesnt make me sad any more, it makes me angry.

[Leonis]

I was at that low point once. Now, I wish she'd just go away... .

[kc sunshine]

I think some people are forced to detach and there are some that only part of them wants to detach and the other part still has hope.  That's got to be so painful and difficult.

Yes, this is totally me (part of me wants to detach and the other part of me doesn't). I think part of my problem is that I still haven't gotten to the place where I'm asking myself "why did I stay for so long" or "why was I drawn to a dysfunctional relationship." Instead I'm still mostly asking myself "what could I have done to avoid the break-up" and still kind of beating myself up for it. I see those other questions, but they seem to be off on the horizon! How did you all get there?

[Confused99]

 Detaching is the hardest thing for me as well. I constantly look at social media to see what she's doing. We were seven years married, divorced, back together, broken up, back together. It's been a month now and this  is the longest I've ever gone without hearing from her in those seven years. It is getting easier. Something I've done is a constantly look at this below what someone posted and it keeps me whole


1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 BPDs. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man... .
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... .FACT.

[hurting300]

Detaching is the hardest thing for me as well.

Buddy goodlove! Yes!

[hurting300]

  Hopefulgirl     

You should talk to him then. Really.

[Stripey77]

She will contact you, you can almost bet your last penny on it.

I was painted black, cut off, ghosted, told that I was deleted from his life and cancelled, and no longer existed to him.


For 6 months he walked past me without looking at me, was ignored if we were in the same room (we live in a very small town.)

He came back.

They pretty much always do.

I'm not telling you this to give you hope, false or otherwise, I'm just telling you it as a fact. I can't even take his current ST seriously anymore.

[TheRiddler]

Hey Stripey,

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so confusing to me.  Some people are so positive they'll hear back, some say so confidently it'll never happen.  It's been like 18 months for me so I'm doubtful, but then I read numerous accounts of BPDs reaching out after years. 

There has to be some kind of rationale to determine if they will or not, has anyone brought this question to an expert in BPD?

[BorisAcusio]

She will contact you, you can almost bet your last penny on it.

Personality disorders are not based on Asimov's laws of robotics. Some will get contacted, some not.

[fromheeltoheal]

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so confusing to me.  Some people are so positive they'll hear back, some say so confidently it'll never happen.  It's been like 18 months for me so I'm doubtful, but then I read numerous accounts of BPDs reaching out after years. 

There has to be some kind of rationale to determine if they will or not, has anyone brought this question to an expert in BPD?

Everyone's different, but think attachments with borderlines; borderlines seek attachments to make them feel whole, to complete them, and to soothe emotions they can't soothe on their own.  If a relationship has ended and a borderline is experiencing emotions they can't soothe, for whatever reason, an ex may pop up on their radar as a potential soother, and the borderline may contact them to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and if it is, even after years, the borderline will feel better, and may begin another idealization phase.  That may or may not ever happen, a borderline may avoid a previous attachment because of shame, or have consistent attachments that leave no reason to contact an old one for soothing.  It's also common for a borderline to show up as if nothing negative ever happened in the past, and for them it may not have if the psychological tools they're using are doing their job, so off to the races we go again, if we let it happen.  My ex contacted me after 25 years (!), excited to talk to me, wanted to know what I've been up to and everything about my life, yadda, yadda, and I went down the road because surely she'd changed.  Nope.  Sometimes it takes some repetition for me to learn the lessons, well, I learned them this time.

So what would it mean if your ex contacted you Riddler?

[TheRiddler]

Fromheeltoheal

I'm not sure what it'd mean because I'm doubtful she'd be completely honest.  Your thoughts are very thorough and frightening to me, because I feel she could easily have constant supply in this tech city and never reach out. Did you get this from a reputable source?

The break up was a bit rough but in the end I told her I loved her and she said she loved me, then we didn't speak.  So I think that softened it.

I don't know what to expect.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not sure what it'd mean because I'm doubtful she'd be completely honest. 

Yes, and what it means to you doesn't need to be dependent on her honesty.  You can make it mean whatever you want.  What I made it mean when my ex showed up after 25 years was that she'd changed and she really had been missing me badly all those years.  I knew on some level that was crap, but chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe what she was telling me was true.  And doing that caused major pain; sometimes I need to get hit upside the head to get the message, but I got it this time.

So what do you want to make it mean?

Your thoughts are very thorough and frightening to me, because I feel she could easily have constant supply in this tech city and never reach out. Did you get this from a reputable source?

Yes, this site and the recommended books; I'm an understanding-driven person, things need to make sense to me, and learning about the disorder made the confusion go away immediately, which helped a great deal, and although her behaviors were still completely unacceptable to me, at least I now understood why she does what she does.  That description was standard borderline though, everyone's different, apply as necessary to your ex.

The break up was a bit rough but in the end I told her I loved her and she said she loved me, then we didn't speak.  So I think that softened it.

I don't know what to expect.

Going back to the only thing you have control of, which is what you make things mean, what do you want to happen?

[TheRiddler]

I'd like her to reach so I can get some validation, that I'm not the evil person I was made to feel like at the end (and even now).  I still blame myself for the majority of our problems.  Also, as confident as I am that she's borderline, I still have occasional doubts and those would be squashed.

Didn't mean to hijack the thread.