Realizing that she won't contact me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those of you in NC, when did you realize that they weren't going to contact you? How did you adjust to it? I realize now that I've been holding onto hope that she would contact me, but now the reality that she probably won't is settling in... .so hard.

[kc sunshine]

For those of you in NC, when did you realize that they weren't going to contact you? How did you adjust to it? I realize now that I've been holding onto hope that she would contact me, but now the reality that she probably won't is settling in... .so hard.

[fromheeltoheal]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

[Indifferent28]

Kc Sunshine,

About a month or so in to strict NC. I would OCCASIONALLY get a meaningless text 1-2 months apart, but that was all it was. Nothing of value and substance, and it would give me some glimmer of hope she would come back.
Until I found this site, and read about BPD.

Now, seeing how remorseless BPD people are with relationships because it was "all in their head" basically, makes it easier for me to accept she isn't coming back. And if she would, it wouldn't be the same now, because I could never know if it was HER or her mirroring me.

You should repeat this to yourself, over and over again.
Yes, it is hard and yes it kills you.
But sometimes that anger is the only thing that forces you to move on.

[seenr]

For those of you in NC, when did you realize that they weren't going to contact you? How did you adjust to it?  

8 weeks in. She has tried to talk to me when we do handover of S3 but I refuse to engage.

I was assessing our relationship earlier - she has tried to reconcile in the past after 6 & 12 months. So she might again in the future. But her eyes the night she dumped me - I have never seen a human with eyes like that they were like those of a shark. Lifeless, emotionless. She spoke down to me as though I was a child and accused me that I would point her black in the coming weeks.

I haven't, I won't and I am focusing on me as much as I can. She said she wanted to move on to better things so good luck to her. I want to do the same. I think if she gets better than me she will be doing well. I have a lot to offer.

[Confused?]

It's not so much realizing that your ex won't contact, it's more so getting to the point where you realize you don't want her to. Isn't that the goal in detachment?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

4 plus years and she hasn't contacted me. I gave up about year 2. It amazes me that we don't even run into each other. I've always seen or run into exes at least a few times, not this one. I'm actually friendly, not great friends, with all my exes, not this one. Some people are so sick, be ready, she may never contact you. I was devastated when she dumped me, therapy and all. Went to HS, college and dated in our forties, she hasn't made one attempt at, sorry I hurt you.

[Rayban]

Just wondering if it was communicated that yow wanted no contact?  The typical response is don't contact me either.  If this was the case, it becomes a game to her.  Use that time to think about what is best for you. If the breakup was soft enough she will attempt a recycle or some type of feeder to feel you out.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

No contact wasn't discussed, the changing of phone number, blocking on FB, told me she wanted no contact.

[Sadly]

Hi KC
during our many recycles it was usually only a matter of 2 days and believe me I always prayed and listened and watched and waited for a text ping. This time is different, we have been 4 days NC and I dread and don't want my phone to ping. It just can't go on and if it does happen I have to fight hard to not respond, am very scared. Do you want to reconcile? X

[kc sunshine]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

I guess that would mean that things were okay, even if just on a friends front. That she wasn't mad. That she was open to me. .

[fromheeltoheal]

And if she did contact you, what would that mean KC?

I guess that would mean that things were okay, even if just on a friends front. That she wasn't mad. That she was open to me. .

So not to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like the goals are that you don't want to be with her, but you want her to have a positive opinion of you?  And if that wasn't true, if she says she hates you and never wants to talk to you again, what would that mean?  You mention you've been holding out hope, is it for that positive opinion of you, even though things didn't work out, or is it more?

[Hopefulgirl]

Yeah, its that thing where I hear my phone ping that I have a text message... .heart kinda lurches a bit... .nope.
Seven days isnt long to someone with BPD. Its an eternity when you are waiting to hear from the BPD person.
You start filling in the void of no words with thoughts that are probably not true.

Thing is, I always remind myself is that if this person was a mature stable adult he would contact me somehow and not leave me hanging there knowing I was in pain. Maybe this is true for everyone, silence feels way better than saying Im sorry.

In the past I tried to adjust to it by keeping myself really really busy, making myself not look at my phone for hours.
I dont mean to upset you kc sunshine, but in my experience the NC from him turned out to mean he was either actively pursuing someone else or bedding someone else.

[Indifferent28]

Hopefulgirl,

I totally know what you mean about the ping. My ex is specifically set on a particular alert when she texts. Everyone else, it is just a single vibration for a text. Hers is 3 long vibrations, one after the other.

Someone texted me the other day, a long message and it broke it down into 3 separate texts. So when my phone received the text, it vibrated 3 long vibrations, the same as her usual tone. My heart dropped, and I don't know how to explain the feeling. It was almost like a "let down" when I opened my phone and saw it wasn't her.

Even when you THINK you expect them not to, I believe all of us will always have some sort of odd hope, even if we know they're different people now. That's what attachment and unhealthy relationships do to you.

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence.
If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.

As the articles here state, most people begin to miss others when they're out of their life.
For BPD, it's the opposite. Once they lose the reminders of even remembering that person, then the heart grows colder, the mind remembers less, and it's like we never existed, more and more to them as each day goes by.

I think that's what tears us all up the most.

[kc sunshine]

Such good questions-- thank you for helping me to think about my goals. My goals/hopes are these:

Keep things open for the long game-- we broke up in part because I was moving and she wasn't ready to move with me (though she seriously was considering it). The break up itself got crazy and hurtful because she was seeing another person as well, but I think the big picture story is that it was my impending move that precipitated the break up. In part it was hard for her to consider moving because she had no idea what my life would be like there. My goal is to set up a good life in my new city, and perhaps she would be open to considering it.

For the short term, I would like to detach and reset some of the unhealthy patterns I had gotten myself into (walking on eggshells, etc). She is seeing other people so I think I have to detach anyway, and hopefully accept the situation.  

[hurting300]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

[neverloveagain]

Here's a short video that might help you out now  https://youtu.be/ExR_XNoUpD4

[pgri8684]

if realizing that she won't contact us is heartbreaking we have to ask ourselves what we expect from this contact.
I know now that this relation was unhealthy. She won't come back, I don't want to be recycled but... .
I was her active caretaker, I was very busy because her life was (is) a mess.
It's very difficult to switch between full concern and zero concern. She is on my mind.
Furthermore I'm stuck to the idea that she kept something positive from my actions. Her call or texting is somehow a proof of it (perhaps I'm dreaming)

[Hopefulgirl]

That's a great video you posted NeverLoveAgain.

I don't know about everyone else but feeling like I've been forgotten is what tears me up the most.

It's almost funny, when he went off with replacement about two weeks later he came to my house to pick up his things. I was calmly (trying) to ask WHY this had happened.

He said something like " You didn't call me alot, you mostly texted, and she called me almost every day". And I just stood there with tears running down my face and thinking, oh no I just got my heart broken in a hundred prices because I didn't use the phone enough?

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know about everyone else but feeling like I've been forgotten is what tears me up the most.

Yes, it seems so unfair, so cold, leaving us lost, confused and brokenhearted.  And that's because we don't have personality disorders, and feel everything.  Borderlines have a lifetime of practice dealing with emotions that are too intense to be soothed, like they're turned up to 11 all the time, so they've developed psychological tools to deal with that, including projection, compartmentalization, and cognitive distortion, along with impulsive behaviors to just make those feelings GO AWAY!  Feeling emotions all the way until they're processed is the healthier way, the only way out is through, and although it hurts in the moment, it always hurts for borderlines, so the tools are always needed.  Sometimes we may have wanted to shake our partner and scream GET OFF IT, but there is no getting off it when order became disorder so early in their development that it's literally who they are.  We don't want that, our pain is temporary, there's is permanent.

Solace intended. 

Scrutiny Hopeful: "I just got my heart broken in a hundred prices because I didn't use the phone enough?"

Projection, it's your fault, because clearly the health of a relationship is dependent on communication attempts and methods.  Sarcasm intended.
A story he needs to believe, the emotions stuffed away somewhere he can't feel them, the truth being he went from one attachment to another, most likely because it felt more secure in the moment, until it doesn't, and then repeat.  Objectively you don't want that in your life, and we're all here helping our hearts catch up with our heads.  Take care of you!

[StayStrongNow]

Hopefulgirl, I am so sorry what he said broke your heart. But BPDers will blame you for everything. It reminds me of the petty things that my stbxBPDw caused her to leave me. But then again it is hard to understand a BPDer their minds are so unique.

[Indifferent28]

Remember with BPD people, they do not have the sense of object permanence. If they're not seeing you every day, and you're not in their face saying "HEY LOOK AT ME. i EXIST" you simply do not to them.  

Not all of that is entirely true. They remember more than you think.

So do they think of us still?

[fromheeltoheal]

So do they think of us still?

Think attachments with borderlines.  A borderline must attach to someone to feel whole, and can literally feel like they don't exist without an attachment; those are feelings, not conscious thoughts.  And borderlines "feel better" when attached, and turn to the attachment to help soothe emotions they can't soothe otherwise.  If one of our exes is having an emotional event they can't soothe, and for whatever reason an attachment isn't available, we may pop up on their radar as someone who could potentially help soothe, as someone with whom an emotional attachment might still be in place.  So you may be thought of then.  And you can read countless stories here of borderlines who've shown up out of the blue, sometimes a long time later, and acted as if nothing ever happened in the past, everything's great, who are you, how can you help me, are you still attached?

Sounds cold and selfish, although we don't fault people who are in pain for being cold and selfish.  Borderlines are always in emotional pain, and that cheery idealization we're presented with is an attachment tool that is well honed by someone entirely dependent on their need to attach.

Standard borderline here, apply as needed.  It is what it is, and what we do with it is what matters.

[Indifferent28]

Wow great explanation fromheeltoheal.

That makes sense. It seems that going towards an ex is very common even of non-BPD people though, because they shared a connection at one time. I know people that run back to their exes during a break up or when they're feeling down.

Knowing all of what you typed, then I mean, I know every BPD person is different. But how would we even know if they came back, if it was for the reasons you just said, the logical ones... .or if they were actually in love with US and confused by the feelings they had for replacements?

It's all so confusing.
There are just so many what ifs and non-concrete behaviors. It makes all these scenarios so much harder to grasp.

[fromheeltoheal]

Knowing all of what you typed, then I mean, I know every BPD person is different. But how would we even know if they came back, if it was for the reasons you just said, the logical ones... .or if they were actually in love with US and confused by the feelings they had for replacements?

By staying centered and in touch with your gut feel.  Most of us here report that we got swept up in a wave of idealization, saw red flags but ignored them, enjoyed the bliss for a while, entered the devaluation stage, suffered abuse and disrespect, with little bits of idealization thrown in now and then that kept us hooked, and then we either left or got left, and ended up here.  And the entire time we were uncentered, off balance, and in the end tiptoeing around, walking on eggshells.

So what if we put all of our energy now into finding ourselves again, focusing on living from our values, both feet on the ground, clear boundaries and a strong desire to maintain them, and centered ALL the time.  If our ex, or any borderline, shows up then, do you think your bullsht meter would be pegged?  If I'd been in that place with my ex we'd never have made it past the second date, but guess I needed to go to borderline school, and once we've graduated we may not be too attractive to someone looking to attach, we won't seem susceptible, so they'll move on to future members of this site yes?

And there's hope in your question Indifferent, hope that your partner will show up, admit it was all a mistake, it's you they love, and cry and beg your forgiveness and take them back yes?  I obviously don't know either of you, but how likely is that?  Knowing what you know now?  I do know that many borderlines have come back to folks they left, and it's pretty much universally reported that it was worse the next time, each time, because to a borderline they've already been abandoned once, even if they did the leaving, and abandonment is the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so any trust left is more fragile.  So what's real for you?

[Sadly]

Very very wise informative response as ever fromheeltoheal. To be honest for my age I was so naive I wouldn't have known a red flag if it had been stuffed up my nose. I kept thinking he was suffering, missing his son, all sorts of stuff, my compassion, love and allowances were huge. It was only way down the line I read about BPD and all the bells started flashing. I want to believe he would realise he loves me, realise he had a problem and that I am not a "nutter" but I know it won't happen. It breaks my heart truly but I can't change it and I can't keep doing the malignant hope thing anymore. Hugs to you all   xxx

[Indifferent28]

Thanks for your reply.
Ive always listened to my gut, but my foolish gut also told me we would not have been broken up for over a year. I really thought she would've came back.

You say most of you felt uncentered, walking on egg shells, etc. What's weird is, my ex had all the BPD traits, but she was mainly just a very emotional being rather than mean. She never once cut me down or degraded me. She just began to smother me with too many emotions that she expected me to "help" and i just emotionally shut off. You can say, that I became the real jerk, because she wanted me to baby her and I just became cold because I was trying to protect my own emotional balance.
Then i did something terribly stupid, which hurt her. Months later, I guess this is when she painted me "black". But it was like a constant back and forth between white and black after the break up. But DURING the relationship, she never doubted her love for me, or anything.

And the new replacement, she just began "loving" weeks into meeting, and that person is someone she never would've previously went for. In fact, she has just become that person and has lost her job because of it, drinks heavily all the time, parties, has different goals.

When her and i were together, though she was emotional, she was trying to better herself. Now, no one is "harsh" with her as I was, so she doesn't try to help herself. No one seems to think it's abnormal for her to completely change, not those close to her anyway. My friends and her previous co-workers see it though.

I completely know why i sound i have hope. And I know I can't have it anymore. Hope is what has prevented me from moving on. And you're right... .the trust wouldn't be there on her side anymore, and neither would i be on mine now especially.  I would constantly wonder if I ever knew her at all. It just sucks.

[fromheeltoheal]

What's weird is, my ex had all the BPD traits, but she was mainly just a very emotional being rather than mean. She never once cut me down or degraded me. She just began to smother me with too many emotions that she expected me to "help" and i just emotionally shut off.

Yes, there are subsets of the disorder, in some places labelled Waif, Hermit, Queen, or Witch borderlines, the disorder manifesting in different ways, and other classifications include "discouraged" (with avoidant, dependent, or depressive features), "petulant" (negativistic), "self destructive" (masochistic/depressive), and "impulsive" histrionic/antisocial), and on top of that, everyone's different.  Your ex sounds like maybe the waif, or discouraged subtype would apply.

In fact, she has just become that person and has lost her job because of it, drinks heavily all the time, parties, has different goals.

Yes, someone without a fully formed self of their own will mirror someone else to attach yes, but also to take the good they see in them as their own, to make themselves whole, which is why borderlines can seem like entirely different people depending whom they're around.

I completely know why i sound i have hope. And I know I can't have it anymore. Hope is what has prevented me from moving on. And you're right... .the trust wouldn't be there on her side anymore, and neither would i be on mine now especially.  I would constantly wonder if I ever knew her at all. It just sucks.

The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, hard to do, but necessary to detach.  Do you see yourself getting closer to letting go of hope entirely Indifferent?

[Indifferent28]

Yes I do. Because I have to. This is driving me mad, and  I can't keep living this way. I don't see myself ever dating again truthfully.
But I would like to just be happy, and I can't keep waiting for a happiness based on her regretting everything and wanting me back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes I do. Because I have to. This is driving me mad, and  I can't keep living this way. I don't see myself ever dating again truthfully.
But I would like to just be happy, and I can't keep waiting for a happiness based on her regretting everything and wanting me back.

Yes, I understand.  As we shift the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future, and develop a compelling vision for that future, and then start moving towards it, one day at a time, momentum builds, and after a while that journey becomes our life, and we discover that 'happiness' is of our own design and we are in control of what has to happen to create it.  And then we are free.  And living from that place we are pretty darn attractive, and who knows who'll show up in it... .

[Indifferent28]

Your post goes hand in hand with the Law of Attraction.
In fact, with most people that ever get an ex back, they themselves say it was when they focused on themselves, just stopped caring if the ex ever came back, and then just lived their life. THEN the ex came back.

In our cases here, it would be a bit of a difference in situation if an ex came back, as they've changed so drastically.

Good reply!