Same behaviours, different day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone

My BPDxgf lied again, I know I know this is not something new or something to get shook up about. I believe while using biff and not responding to any of her issues I did indeed incure her wrath.

Seems the only time she wants to play fair in this life is if I give her what she demands, namely my attention, validation and unswerving interest.

When I deny her these things she turns into a rather unpleasant individual and selfish to the extreme.

My assumption was and still is "co" in coparenting means fairness, honesty and mutual respect for all parties involved. I've been wrong before.

Do any of you experience this, their way or no way?

Seems a bit immature but isn't immaturity the hallmark of pwBPD?

Very frustrating to deal with when each of her selfish choices cost our son and myself dearly.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

My BPDxgf lied again, I know I know this is not something new or something to get shook up about. I believe while using biff and not responding to any of her issues I did indeed incure her wrath.

Seems the only time she wants to play fair in this life is if I give her what she demands, namely my attention, validation and unswerving interest.

When I deny her these things she turns into a rather unpleasant individual and selfish to the extreme.

My assumption was and still is "co" in coparenting means fairness, honesty and mutual respect for all parties involved. I've been wrong before.

Do any of you experience this, their way or no way?

Seems a bit immature but isn't immaturity the hallmark of pwBPD?

Very frustrating to deal with when each of her selfish choices cost our son and myself dearly.

[gotbushels]

Hi Jerry 

Seems the only time she wants to play fair in this life is if I give her what she demands, namely my attention, validation and unswerving interest.

Just politely--even if you give those things to her--that might not even be playing fair. This is especially true if there are kids involved.

When I deny her these things she turns into a rather unpleasant individual and selfish to the extreme.

Well, what's "healthy fair"? Does mother need to do that to get satisfied with her "black hole"? Given our previous chats I'm assuming you're already doing quite well managing her in this state Jerry--so I'm chatting about her instead of the you focus. 

Seems a bit immature but isn't immaturity the hallmark of pwBPD?

I can't speak about the parenting children and wife simultaneously, but I do believe specific lack of maturity in high-functioning BPs is a very strong mark.

On the positive, at least you can see the behaviours Jerry 

[JerryRG]

Thank you gotbushels

I certainly can see her behaviours.

It's disturbing when I realize she doesn't want to care for our son and people are trying to convince me she's only using our son to control me. Why keep me in her life when I've made it very clear I'm no longer interested in her even as a friend.

She pulled another dirty trick yesterday by promising to care for our son and simply ignored me, our son is sick today so I have to miss another day from work. She knows I cannot afford this and she's not working so she has no excuse.

I truly believe she wants me to fail at my job and getting our son into daycare. This is very disappointing and so immature.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

When I deny her these things she turns into a rather unpleasant individual and selfish to the extreme.

Many members experienced the same thing. We may of had few boundaries or floating boundaries in the relationship and when we assert boundaries our ex partners lash out. The same can be said for any other relationship with friends and family when they are used to us not having boundaries they may lash out at the onset of these changes but they're not  emotionally underdeveloped like our ex partners and don't have extinction bursts.

Our exes may of been used to certain behaviors from us and when we change that behavior and don't validate the expected behaviors they may start to experience extinction bursts - the behaviors become worse before they become better and eventually these extreme unpleasant behaviors taper off.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Why keep me in her life when I've made it very clear I'm no longer interested in her even as a friend.

A pwBPD have attachment issues and don't completely detach. It helps to not validate that attachment with not giving our ex partners attention or react to them. Negative attention is still attention? Her behaviors are not going to change if she is emotionally arrested and not getting help, it helps when we stop reacting to our exes behaviors.

She pulled another dirty trick yesterday by promising to care for our son and simply ignored me, our son is sick today so I have to miss another day from work.

Do you have a court order? What's wrong with daycare?

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

Yes I do have a court order and yesterday she chewed me out for her choices and the fact she maintains full custody of our son, yet only takes him when it's convenient for her. She's unemployed and has nothing else to occupy her time.

She's sabotaging my attempts to maintain employment and placing our son into permanent daycare. I did ask the police to assist me a few weeks ago to take our son home to her. The policeman looked very puzzled when I tried to explain to him why I would force my son to be with his mother when mother obviously didn't want to have him. I did feel foolish.

Maybe she don't want to or can not care for him. It's after noon and still no word from her.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

Is it a matter that you want your son to be raised at home?

[JerryRG]

Hello Mutt

Sorry for the confusion, I am trying my best to enroll our son into daycare, his mother refuses to cooperate and help me achieve this important goal.

I have to work to pay for the daycare and she isn't working so I miss work because she won't care for our son. I get further behind instead of doing what's best for our son.

[ForeverDad]

Whenever I disagreed with my Ex she would counter with guilting and claim I was unreasonable.  She didn't agree with what I wanted and she saw nothing wrong with saying No but when I disagreed with her I was unreasonable.  It's that skewed perception and biased perspective.  I couldn't reason with her so it all came down to my boundaries.

[JerryRG]

Got this text today around noon

How's (son) doing.  Been talking to mom so she knows how sick I am and what's all going on so you two can communicate about stuff if (son) is needing something ... .she is making me go back to dr right away this afternoon. It's kinda a good thing I'm sick and he's with u cuz they r reshingling our roof in the apartment.  Anyway I hope I don't have to be in the hospital because I'm missing (son) so badly but shouldn't be around him until the Dr's get ahold of what's happening I am on antibiotics but a new issue has came up it needs a biopsy so... .I do not want (son) getting whatever this is... .as I said I won't go into detail but mom knows and also she told me last wk she would pay 2 days for (son) daycare this wk. To help out