Do they come back after you've been replaced?

[Throw me a bone]

I am sure this is a topic that has been answered a multitude of times. But I can't let go of the thought that it is completely over. I don't want it to be. It's been a month of NC. I thought I would hear from her, but I haven't. Leading me to believe she is still in the idealisation of my replacement who she has been with last 5 months. So do they come back after they replaced you?

[married21years]

when things go bad they will consider jumping back to you

your response will decide their actions

you will be painted white or black depending on their feelings

[SoMadSoSad]

Some don't come back so you have to be prepared for that. I know mine for example will never come back. She is in a validating environment with the replacement and he has done a very good job of not triggering her so they will probadly last so long that she won't even remember me when/if they have a falling out.

[Moselle]

Thought that it is completely over. I don't want it to be.

Hi throw me a bone. It is always very difficult to have someone we love, make a choice to leave.

What is it that you miss?

[C.Stein]

So do they come back after they replaced you?

No one can say if she will or not.  Mine will never come back or even likely contact me again.  There is too much shame involved for her to reach out to me again, let alone want to have another go at it.

Perhaps the more appropriate question to ask here is why would you wait?  I can understand how you feel, in some ways I feel the same.  The important thing to remember though is where you are right now.  You can either choose to move forward or you can choose to hang on for a maybe ... .and if that maybe comes about just maybe you will also be right back in the same place you are now.  This is something I have to continuously remind myself of.  No matter how much I might miss my ex, the good parts, I can't ignore or forget the things she has done, the things I let her do, that put me into the lowest place I have ever been in my life.  This is reality and I have to accept it.  It does not matter how much I want it to be something other than it is. 

I spent two years holding onto hope, giving her every benefit of the doubt to only be replaced then thrown away like trash after she broke me.  I have now spent nearly a year trying to recover from this ... .to "forget" her.  Yet I still struggle with it all. 

THAT is my reality ... .why would I want to go back to that knowing that it could, and probably would happen again?  Why would you?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Throw me a bone, Needless to say, whether she returns is something that is out of your control, right?  Trying to change an outcome over which we have little or no control is extremely frustrating and stressful, in my view.  Another approach, I suggest, is to focus on the things that are within your control (see: Serenity Prayer).  In general, what is under your control is YOU and your responses to things.  What can YOU do to make things better for yourself?  Then do it.

LuckyJim

[Frank88]

Throw Me A Bone: At first I was sort of hoping she'd re-engage, even though I would have said no, like I had done a number of times before.  Now I really do not want her to make any contact, ever.  Time is the best way to heal.  You can speed that up by staying busy, finding other women to date, etc.  You may find yourself in a few months dreading contact from her.  If you kept a list of all the bad s**t she did, then refer back to that periodically. It helps.  Also, just because the replacement has not set her off, does not mean she won't go off at some point.  If he's weak, then he's being controlled, if he's strong, then he'll just stay in it longer and fall harder.  If your ex is truly BPD, then the it is inevitable.

[Throw me a bone]

I hear what everyone is saying and thanks. It's a challenge between what my head says and heart wants. I am not even sure it's love I have for her. And I know I can't go back as we were so toxic. But I just can't get her out of my head. I feel like I need her back for this to go. She really did a number on me. So from what I hear then in most cases they don't come back once replacement has happened? They only come back if there is no replacement and even that isn't necessarily true?

[Indifferent28]

Yep, I know how you feel.

They might come back, might not.
But if they ever do, regardless of how we feel, we cannot ignore all thats happened or how easily they replaced us.

[SoMadSoSad]

Yea how easily she replaced me showed me that she did not love me for me. She just loved the love I gave her

[Xstang77]

Wondering this myself,ex is with second replacement in about a months time and I haven't heard from her since the 6th or seen her since the first,everyone says she will but idk I don't feel it,never gone nc this long before and I'm out of the fog enough to know what's the point,nothing works let her be someone else's miserable problem.

[Throw me a bone]

It's also about rejecting them like they have us. I doubt I'll ever go back to her. But then again she was so talented at drawing me in.

[TheRiddler]

Hey throw me a bone,

I'm going through some similar feelings and the board's advice has been really helpful.  From what I've read and been told, there really are no hard and fast rules.  I'd hazard to say there's a good chance she'll get in touch, but her motivations would definitely be suspect. 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I've had it happen.

In my experience once they know how easily obtainable you are, they don't want you anymore and it's a push/pull game.

[TheRiddler]

Oops,

Isn't that just sick?  I've heard this several times, can one of the members more learned than me verify this behavior?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

It's pretty crumby. She still does it. But we've been done for a little over a year. I don't feed into it anymore.

She'll ask to come over, not want to leave, kind of bait me to ask her to sleep over, she'll insist on sleeping on the couch, eventually make her way to my bed and take her clothes off and insist we are just friends but asks me to hold her.

It's messed up. I was in a relationship so I haven't let her do it for a while now. She still asks to come over but rarely shows up.

[Xstang77]

It's pretty crumby. She still does it. But we've been done for a little over a year. I don't feed into it anymore.

She'll ask to come over, not want to leave, kind of bait me to ask her to sleep over, she'll insist on sleeping on the couch, eventually make her way to my bed and take her clothes off and insist we are just friends but asks me to hold her.

It's messed up. I was in a relationship so I haven't let her do it for a while now. She still asks to come over but rarely shows up.

is she in a new relationship while she does this? Mine did it after our last break when she was in a rebound relationship but since she's been in this new one I haven't heard or seen her at all,she would do push and pull other times before a recycle but never has gone this far to be in a new legit relationship.

[JQ]

Hello oops,

You've received a lot of good guidance and information from the group here, Lucky Jim, & others. Lets be real & honest for a moment. If you've read any post here you'll see that an overwhelming majority of those in the group both men & women have had their pwBPD reach out to them. And as someone pointed out, they might not ever again ... .or so you think after a couple of years.

My first exBPDgf waited 16 years to contact me again. She had befriended my step mother & knew I had divorced my wife and reach out to me to tell me, "How sorry she was to hear that I had divorced". She then proceeded over a very short period of time to reengage me on a sexual level only to be rejected by me which then brought out all her flying monkey's for me to try to put back in their cages.

She continues to try and reengage me and I have no doubt that if I wanted to bed her down for a weekend all I would have to do is send her a text saying so since she has told me it's what she wants.

My most recent exBPDgf and I recycled over and over again. Sometimes her NC would last hours ... .sometimes her NC would last days or even weeks.  She painted me black in months ago ... .painted me deep black ... .no text ... .no email ... .no calls that I would send to her would encourage her to reach out to me. I knew she was with at least one of my replacements. It turned out to be a good moment for me ... .

I took that time to really, REALLY work on myself. Therapist, reading, exercising, dieting, getting some sleep, exploring and living my life again. I encourage you to do the very same thing as others here have suggested.  You are not in a position to reengage her on any level if she was to reach out to you.

I digress, so 6 months later she sends me a text ... .it took me some time to respond with a very simple response. NC for 3-4 weeks, she sends me another text ... .again I wait to respond with a simple response. I'm human, I know she has a Very Sever Cluster B Mental Illness. She text me a dozen lines of simple text & I respond with neutral responses but telling her I hope she is doing well as am I.

But as others have suggested here, what will you do when she reaches out?  What do you want?  o you want to continue the crazy train roller coaster ride that will be never ending with her flying monkey's running around causing havoc with your emotions?  

Take this time to work on yourself ... .focus all your energy & attention on YOU! Get some sleep, get some therapy, get some exercise. Make your mind & body strong. Find out why you're attracted to her and other BPD's like her.

Read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page. Go to the library and read books on BPD, search the internet, have in-depth conversations with your therapist on your history, your past ... you might not like what you find but trust me, it'll help you find direction and meaning in your life going forward.

IMHO, she will reach out in time ... .no one can tell you when as everyone is different even without BPD & it is nearly impossible to know what someone is thinking especially a mind that suffers from a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.

Remain strong ... .remain true to yourself ... .

J

[Fr4nz]

Just my 2 cents... .

As many pointed out, in the end it depends on the individual BPD to come back or not... .some do, others are "cut-off" types (or they proclaim to be like this... .only to contact you, even after lots of years). Overall, there's a good probability they will contact you, even after a long time.

However, in the end, what it really counts is to recognize that the relationship we had with them was very dysfunctional, and it should be used as a tool to understand why we stayed in such relationships and improve ourselves.

Now my personal experience: I stayed NC with my ex for 13 months. One night, I happened to be in her city, and I found her in a bar, completely by chance!
She asked me to sit down and have a little chat: overall, we had a very nice 40 minutes talk... .she painted me white, apparently, so much that she asked me to spend the evening with her (and not attend the birthday of a friend of mine, that was the reason I was in her city).
In the end I politely refused, since 1) I was shocked to see her after such a long time, (2) see that she painted me white when she proclaimed to be a cut-off type (so this was somehow unexpected) and (3) I preferred to protect my own emotional sanity.

Anyway, we agreed to meet the day after, at her workplace, so we could talk a little bit more. The day after came, I went to her workplace... .she seemed quite cold, detached. In the end, after some chit-chat, we greeted and had a final hug, but I perceived that something was definitely off in her mind.

1 month passed, without any sort of contact; at that point I thought that, maybe, it was possible to spend some nice time with her (as friends), so I wrote her asking if she wanted to spend some time with me; not so unsurprisingly (given what I perceived that day after), she answered telling me that she didn't want to spend time with me, since she basically realized (that day at her workplace) that the reasons behind our breakup were still valid (mind that nothing bad happened during that meeting!). Mind-boggling, as usual, but pretty textbook in terms of BPD.

So, apparently, I was black again, ! And no contact again, since then.

All in all, the lesson to be learnt is that BPDs do not change, they are going to treat you badly again due to their psychological issues.
Better to move on and never look back, in case you don't spot any noticeable effort (from their side) to improve their condition or have, at least, some introspection.

[Throw me a bone]

I am trying to work out why I even want her to come back. She is nuts, but can't get her out of my mind. What she has done, if it were anyone else, I would have run and not looked back. With this nutcase it's all I'm doing... .looking back.

[enlighten me]

If and how they come back is based on a wide range of variables.

some dont ever try to reconnect.  Some do.

some will want to try again where as others just want to know your still there.

some want to reconnect but feel to guilty to try. Others may feel that they're not good enough for you.

In my experience they only try to reconnect when things arent going well for them and things are going well for you.

[VitaminC]

I am trying to work out why I even want her to come back.

Hi Throw Me A Bone,

That is the place to start. Why do you want her to come back? It's probably not to repeat any hurtful and confusing behaviours that you experienced. It's to repeat the things that made you feel good.

Since you are dealing with someone who is not capable of staying balanced, you know that if she were to come back, you might get either of the scenarios. Most likely, a little of the good, quickly followed by a lot of the bad. And so it would go.

Once you really believe / accept that, that whatever the patterns and dynamics of your relationship were will just continue for ever if you let them, you will be in a stronger place.

I asked myself those kinds of questions for about a year. "Why do I keep wanting him back? What am I getting from all this? What do I still need to have proven to me? What do I still think I need to learn? Why do I insist to myself that I need this person and the deep drama they bring into my life? Why am I prepared to ignore that I am not happy at all? Why am I addicted to what I know is poison for me? "

I came up with all kinds of creative answers, but in the end the one that released me was the realisation that I was trying to fix things with him, because he reminded me of my father, and in fixing things with him I would prove to myself that I could fix the past and so fix myself.

Even once I had figured that out, I still needed to see more proof that truly all I was getting was a lack of love, a lack of respect, a lack of care. My dad might have been emotionally a bit young to have a child and so failed me in some respects, but he genuinely did the best he could at the time and I know that he loves me. And loving someone means wanting good for them, and trying to do good for them.

I kept wanting my pwBPD back because I hadn't figured those things out enough. I was hungry for the connection, for how it fed my need to be important to someone. I lusted for the short term infusion of those feelings; just like a smoker lusts for a cigarette, an alcoholic for a drink, a junkie for a fix.

At some point, I wanted a nourishing meal. A proper drink of water instead of a shot of espresso that just jangled my nerves. I like having my nerves jangled, I'm kind of extreme in some ways but I was jangling them to the point of self-destruction.

See what I mean?

Why do you want her back? What do you miss, as Moselle already asked?  What did you get from your relationship with this person?

[woundedPhoenix]

In my experience they only try to reconnect when things arent going well for them and things are going well for you.

That's the irony. Once you crawl out of the pit, appear strong and lively again, and do better then them, you suddenly are attractive to them.

While at the core, it was the non-BPD dynamic that sucked the life out of you and made you become "unattractive" to begin with.

[VitaminC]

In my experience they only try to reconnect when things arent going well for them and things are going well for you.

That's the irony. Once you crawl out of the pit, appear strong and lively again, and do better then them, you suddenly are attractive to them.

What you say may be true for some, but definitely not all pwBPD. It is more the case that if the non signals in any way that they are open to a re-connection, that that may be seen as a way in.

The objective for a pwBPD is to attach, remember. Attachment, however brief, makes them feel good because it is a distraction from themselves. Here's a good synopsis of different attachment styles: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0

I am certain in my case, that my doing well would either frighten my ex into keeping away or, more likely, have no impact on him at all.

The more fruitful and healing focus is on oneself. I think about my own attachment style and how I can grow to have a healthier one.

[enlighten me]

Like I said it was my experience with my two uBPD exs that this is based on.

In itself the dynamics fundimentally are normal. If we are doing bad and an ex that we had feelings for is doing well then we may reminisc and think what if.

The difference with BPD is how the act on those feelings. Whether they try to win you back or paint you blacker.

My exs see me or saw me as a comfort blanket when things go wrong.  i havent discouraged this behaviour as i have children with them. That said i have firm boudaries and will never get sucked back in.

[VitaminC]

Like I said it was my experience with my two uBPD exs that this is based on.

Fair enough.

My exs see me or saw me as a comfort blanket when things go wrong.  i havent discouraged this behaviour as i have children with them. That said i have firm boudaries and will never get sucked back in.

Boundaries are the key. Very good point.

[Throw me a bone]

Thank you for all your replies. I can intellectualise it all and it makes sense. But the feelings are what I am struggling with. I know how bad she is for me. I know that even if she were to come back it end up the same if not worse. That I am trying to repair relationships of the past through her. Yet understanding provides no relief to the longing I have for her. My feelings to have her again just won't go. 7 months and she is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last before I go to bed. Some days are better than others, typically when I'm busy. But one cannot be busy 24/7. Those moments of alone time are dominated by thoughts of her & the associated feelings of longing. Even when I am busy & working on myself she pops up. It's torturous... .I thought it would have gone by now.

[VitaminC]

I hear you, ThrowMeABone.

Are you in therapy? Do you think that would help focus you on some of your own issues you think are bound up in your longing for your ex?

I can tell you that I am a first class analyzer and that it took me years to learn that knowing something intellectually is quite different to knowing it in yourself. There's a way to connect your brain to your heart, but it takes a conscious effort, some re-wiring so to speak, gentle inquiry into yourself, letting yourself feel the painful feelings.

All of this is easier if supported by someone else - whether a therapist, a spiritual guide of some sort, a calm and non-judgemental friend even.

[Moselle]

I can echo VitC on this. The emotional core is where most of the trauma sits. Its helps to talk it out, with someone who understands.

"Focussing" was the tool that has helped me the most.

There's a book called "The Power of Focusing" by Ann Weiser Cornell. It was a great help to me in learning to connect with my feelings, after being numb for many years.

[pjstock42]

I am trying to work out why I even want her to come back. She is nuts, but can't get her out of my mind. What she has done, if it were anyone else, I would have run and not looked back. With this nutcase it's all I'm doing... .looking back.

I echo everything you said verbatim. I know she is toxic, I know she is a liar/manipulator and just a downright cruel person with no empathy yet I still find myself sitting here thinking about her all day and reminiscing about the good times.

In my case, I'm almost 100% she won't reach out to me ever again and while I know that would be for the best, there are still those feelings of wishing that she would and I can't get rid of those thoughts. I instituted NC ~5 weeks ago and it has been flawless in terms of neither of us reaching out. I know she already has one or more replacements so I'm just assuming that she has no reason to contact me since she is getting her supply from other men now. The only conceivable reason I could see for her to reach out to me is if her preferred replacement is a stronger person than me and cuts her off early / doesn't allow himself to be manipulated by her but because she is so incredibly proficient at it, I don't think that will happen for a while if ever.