This member is triggering me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've previously posted on the other board, but now that I have a "leaving" mindset, is this a good place to post?

Hi Cerulean, welcome to the detaching board.  I have some pretty specific thoughts on which board is the right board for an individual. I'm not a mod, I'm not an ambassador, I'm just a member with an opinion.  

Other than the honeymoon period, every phase of a relationship with a pwBPD is extremely challenging, confusing and painful.  When the idealization phase begins to wear off, the devaluation begins.  

When the devaluation is in full swing, that's when we start to explore how we, as nons, are going to navigate the relationship. While in that phase, the detaching board is not the right place to be.  The detaching board is for people who have accepted that it is a failed relationship... .and how to go about detaching.  

If you haven't accepted that it's a failed relationship, you need support from other nons in the same situation and the mods on that board.  Beginning to realize that your relationship may not work is a very painful phase and you need very pointed advice on how to make your final determination.

Here on the detaching board we are also going through a very painful phase and it requires a special kind of environment in which to heal and move forward.  Those who are detaching get triggered very easily and are then pulled backwards in their healing process.  I've personally found that people who come here that are undecided trigger me a lot because of all the denial.  I'm trying to put the relationship behind me and you're trying to figure out if it will work.  I need people who encourage me to move forward as it's so easy to get pulled back.

Try to look at it like this; if you're a recovering alcoholic sitting in AA, it would be very uncomfortable to have someone walk in holding a beer.  I'm trying to recover from my failed relationship, you're still holding yours.  
Tangential conversation / hijack spit by moderator.
See original here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296741.0

[Wize]

I've previously posted on the other board, but now that I have a "leaving" mindset, is this a good place to post?

Hi Cerulean, welcome to the detaching board.  I have some pretty specific thoughts on which board is the right board for an individual. I'm not a mod, I'm not an ambassador, I'm just a member with an opinion.  

Other than the honeymoon period, every phase of a relationship with a pwBPD is extremely challenging, confusing and painful.  When the idealization phase begins to wear off, the devaluation begins.  

When the devaluation is in full swing, that's when we start to explore how we, as nons, are going to navigate the relationship. While in that phase, the detaching board is not the right place to be.  The detaching board is for people who have accepted that it is a failed relationship... .and how to go about detaching.  

If you haven't accepted that it's a failed relationship, you need support from other nons in the same situation and the mods on that board.  Beginning to realize that your relationship may not work is a very painful phase and you need very pointed advice on how to make your final determination.

Here on the detaching board we are also going through a very painful phase and it requires a special kind of environment in which to heal and move forward.  Those who are detaching get triggered very easily and are then pulled backwards in their healing process.  I've personally found that people who come here that are undecided trigger me a lot because of all the denial.  I'm trying to put the relationship behind me and you're trying to figure out if it will work.  I need people who encourage me to move forward as it's so easy to get pulled back.

Try to look at it like this; if you're a recovering alcoholic sitting in AA, it would be very uncomfortable to have someone walk in holding a beer.  I'm trying to recover from my failed relationship, you're still holding yours.  
Tangential conversation / hijack spit by moderator.
See original here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296741.0

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, Wize, I hate to be controversial on my first blog on the "detaching" thread, but I have to respectfully disagree with you, and say I feel rather judged by your assessment of where I am. Only I get to say where my head is, yet you seem to think you know that better than me. I know I have to leave, but I'm not happy about it. Like you, I am trying not to get "sucked back in", so why is it okay for you to fear that, and be here, but not me?

I'm baffled by this. If my thread triggers you, I'm not sure what I can do about that. I'm here for support, as this is a hard time for me, and the last thing I want to do it live in denial(and I do not feel I am, in any way). I have no denial about any of this. I know the part I've played, and I know also what my reasons were for staying, and my newfound reasons for realizing that I can't do this long term.

I've made some positive steps forward, but the biggest one was getting my mind around that fact that this wasn't how I wanted to be treated for the rest of my life. I can't make up for the emotional deficit he has, nor should I have to. My needs aren't being met, and so for me, being alone, without the psychological torture, and all the other elements of living with a BPD partner like Flourdust described, I'm hoping will offset the heartbreak I know is to come. I always take break ups hard, and this isn't a "normal" breakup.

[Wize]

I'm baffled by this. If my thread triggers you, I'm not sure what I can do about that.

Your thread hasn't triggered me.  You haven't broken up with your pwBPD.  You still want it to work. You're hoping it can work.  You're hoping he can change.  You're conflicted.  There is another board for members who are conflicted.  

[flourdust]

I'm baffled by this. If my thread triggers you, I'm not sure what I can do about that.

Your thread hasn't triggered me.  You haven't broken up with your pwBPD.  You still want it to work. You're hoping it can work.  You're hoping he can change.  You're conflicted.  There is another board for members who are conflicted.  

I'm not seeing that in CB's post, and I'm not seeing that your chastising her for posting here is helping.

[lbjnltx]

Let's all work together!

2.3 Hosting Discussions: Members are expected to "host" of any thread (topic) that they initiate. As a host, the member shall be responsible to guide the discussion to keep the participants on target, encourage the contribution of other members, summarize or comment on the overall information provided, and otherwise be a good host. The host should contact a Moderator or Advisor for assistance if any controversy arises that cannot be resolved collegially.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#hosting

2.4 Divisive Exchanges: All members should feel safe in their expressions; we are all here to heal from abuse. Please keep in mind that the membership is comprised of diverse experiences and backgrounds; this is a great strength of our community. Forum is healthy when conducted in a respectful, and tolerant manner. Under no circumstances shall members be permitted to engage in divisive or abusive exchanges or be judgmental of other members.

If you have an offensive comment directed toward you, do not engage it. If a you find the subject matter or a response to be triggering, do not engage it. Step away from your computer. If, upon reflection, you feel that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, please contact a moderator. The staff will investigate with an impartial eye. There is a button for this purpose at the bottom right corner of every post titled "report to moderator."
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#divisive

[fromheeltoheal]

You still want it to work. You're hoping it can work.  You're hoping he can change.  You're conflicted.  There is another board for members who are conflicted.

Hi Wize-

Most of us here on Detaching are conflicted and still holding on to some hope in the beginning, and it's the working through that that is the challenge of detaching fully, and why we're here supporting each other.  To get the most value for you, you might look at why someone else's detachment is causing the reaction you're experiencing, there may be lessons in there, as we support each other in what we say we want.

[Wize]

And it is an ex at this point.

That was really my only point.  I wasn't trying to be divisive or unsupportive.  Just going off of my own experience I know that all the external advice in the world won't make a person leave an abusive relationship.  They have to make their choice once they've realized it's not going to ever work. 

Saying it's over and saying you want to leave is relatively easy, but it IS NOT the same as accepting that it's over and actually packing your belongings and leaving. Huge difference.  One is all talk, the other is all action. It's a brutal decision to have to leave our pwBPD... .I most certainly understand that.  But, holding up a mirror to OP, she doesn't want to look at it because the reality is that she is staying until she chooses otherwise, and she has not made that choice. When her pwBPD becomes her ex, only then will she be able to begin healing from her abusive, confusing relationship.

To reiterate, I support OP, big time, because I know how terrifying and difficult it is to finally call it quits.  And the only way I know to support her is to challenge her to make a decision.  And let her know that once she gets out, she has a wonderful family here to lean on. 

[rfriesen]

And the only way I know to support her is to challenge her to make a decision.  And let her know that once she gets out, she has a wonderful family here to lean on.  

Wize, I can appreciate what you're saying about how hard it is to actually leave and some of us have needed that nudge to make a firm decision to move on. But can you also see how it might not come across as a particularly supportive way to challenge someone if you do it by telling them they're in the wrong place and should leave until they've taken what you consider sufficient and appropriate action?

I've read many, many posts on this board of members who have recycled, are recycling, give it one more try, are preparing to leave, have been left but want their ex to come back, ... .As others have noted, people are in various stages of detaching. If I understood Ceruleanblue correctly, her aim now is to detach. So I, for one, don't see why she needs to wait until "she gets out" to lean on our wonderful family here.

[Skip]

I have some pretty specific thoughts on which board is the right board for an individual. I'm not a mod, I'm not an ambassador, I'm just a member with an opinion.

We have a homing protocol for newbies here: https://bpdfamily.com/manual_amby/chapter5.htm

In any case, with a newbie or a member with 1,200 posts, it's important not to reject them in a support group. If you think someone has parked their car in the wrong garage, call the parking lot attendant (moderator). They can handle matters with grace for all parties.

To reiterate, I support OP, big time, because I know how terrifying and difficult it is to finally call it quits.  And the only way I know to support her is to challenge her to make a decision.

   This might be a tough sale, wize.  

And let her know that once she gets out, she has a wonderful family here to lean on.  

What's up? The OP was very offended. A senior member tried to center you. A moderator posted to ask for everyone to work together. Several members posted to challenge you position. And you're still holding on to "your can't post here".

What's up?

[steelwork]

Most of us here on Detaching are conflicted and still holding on to some hope in the beginning, and it's the working through that that is the challenge of detaching fully

^^^ this

And Wize, hey   I want to say that I also get where you're coming from. There have been members who have triggered me. Maybe they are in and out of contact with their exes, and I feel jealous. Or they are talking out loud here about ways it might all be the fault of some third party, and it hits close to home for me because I'm still sometimes having that argument in my head where my ex and I are star-crossed lovers being kept apart by outside forces, and I'm trying not to fall into it, and there someone else is, telling that story in front of me.

All of this is to say that these are feelings that I have, too--and yes, exploring them might move us forward.

[Skip]

There have been members who have triggered me.

One important tool to learn at bpdfamily (see tool tab at top of page) is that triggering is on us. Typically we are reacting to a here-and-now situation based on emotions and feelings unrelated and unknown by the person we are being triggered by. They can't solve this for us.

Our feelings are valid. They can be extreme - some can rise to the level of PTSD.

We have a good article on this and it leads to an interesting workshop.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

If this situation is triggering, what would be a"Wisemind" state of mind?

[Wize]

I didn't start this thread and I specifically told the OP that she didn't trigger me.  I appreciate the mods jumping on this thread but I never told the OP to leave.  I did nothing more than give an opinion.  Perhaps I should work on my sugar coating.

[Wize]

I'm assuming the admin made the titles of each board specific for a reason.  And it was clear to me that Cerulean was Deciding or Conflicted.  So, forgive me for pointing her to the Deciding and Conflicted board.   

[flourdust]

I'm assuming the admin made the titles of each board specific for a reason.  And it was clear to me that Cerulean was Deciding or Conflicted.  So, forgive me for pointing her to the Deciding and Conflicted board.   

As you said, you're not a mod or an admin, so perhaps you should leave board policing to them. No need to be so defensive about this.

[gotbushels]

Hi everyone  

To avoid doubt, I don't want to jump on any trains here. I'm just laying on the grass playing with the dandelions--innocent opinion.  

To reiterate, I support OP, big time, because I know how terrifying and difficult it is to finally call it quits.  And the only way I know to support her is to challenge her to make a decision.  And let her know that once she gets out, she has a wonderful family here to lean on.  

Wize it's quite clear that you care here and want to help from sentences one and three here, so I want to hold that out.  

I don't want to call a whale a fish here... .but my experience required a lot of time, patience, and love from places other than my ex for me to make a choice. Sometimes challenging someone is the surest way to get them not to make a choice here. It's not "wrong", it's just a choice that may not as accurate despite being real.

[GreenEyedMonster]

To add to what gotbushels said, sometimes people need to give the lifeboat a good look before they have faith in themselves to jump ship.  Talking to us on this board might be the encouragement or evidence that someone needs that there is life after a BPD relationship.  Many people who are caught up in the relationship itself might feel that there is no future or no hope without their partner.  One of the first steps of detaching is realizing that there is life after the relationship, and it can be a much better life.

[Lilyroze]

  All,

Just wanted to pop in and well say Cerulean, it is beautiful to see the love and support you have on this new board. Even if peoples methods or thought processes are different they do care about you as I do.

Cerulean, I witnessed how supported you were on the other board and well loved for you. I noticed a few pushed you with love and concern for you to broach leaving your situation and move to detach and the detaching board. They knew you better then me, and I saw how hard this was. To leave a situation, your home, the Step kids, and well even the part of the board that was uplifting you.

All of our situations are unique, some of the stories and patterns the same. I understand yours. I am in a care-taker role of someone I don't love, have been in the FOG to take care of, and understand where you are at. Believe  me, was staying for my son or to care-take as thought he was dying of physical. I am glad he is better, and I can resume living in joy now, as well as peace. With us parting ways, soon I hope. Will he be amicable, no I am sure the scenes will start he wants now to talk to me romantically? Huh? We haven't had that role in many years, nor do I want it. So really understand your situation. I have very LC and not in same residence but many of our other is same.

I want peace, joy and love for you as well, in the way best for you. Only you know what that is.

 I know you have been wanting to leave for awhile, just need to be secure, make arrangements, and well grieve what you thought once was. I just wanted to pop in and hug you, I know you will see this thread. You are accepted for who you are, what you are doing, and stand for.

As greeneyemonster said sometimes you need to give the lifeboat a good look. Do that, make sure it is the best plan possible for you then climb in. The lighthouse is here shining the way.

Echoing gotbushels and greeneyemonster it will take time, love and patience. There is no clock ticking but the that from the Universe you assign when it starts on this mission.

I can see why you made the leap to this board. You are not in no mans land, you chose this board for a reason.

Wize hugs to you, I see how much you help others even in your pain. You do care and are cared for as well. Your posts have helped me a few times when I needed it, and even when I saw you in the anger stage. I never let myself get in that stage many times with abuse, I stuffed it because good girls don't get angry for long or let anyone know... .LOL Oh bother healing that.

Blessings all,