Broke NC... huge mistake

[burton2070]

After a little over two months of no contact, I really was feeling better. My birthday is coming up, and she reached out with a dinner invitation - for a closure discussion. Against my better judgement, I accepted. The dinner itself wasn't bad - she apologized for hurting me and we caught up on a few things. At the end, she said she wanted a friendship in the future and told me to keep in touch. Today, she sent me an email that she saw the way I was looking at her at dinner and it scared her. That I obviously still loved her, so she she didn't want a friendship or to keep in touch after all. Maybe that's all legit - I don't know, but it sure feels like she just lured me back in just when I was feeling better only to smack me back down. Regardless of the intent, I'm having a really rough day. I was doing SO much better. I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen.

[Mutt]

Hi burton2070,



Good for you for going two months with no contact. Don't beat yourself up. You had an opportunity to get closure, many members here don't get the opportunity to get closure, we have to give that to ourselves and you got it.

I would guess that your ex feels a lot of shame with lying and the dinner probably triggered shame. It sounds like it could of been emotionally hard for her to see the person that she hurt. Her feelings are like quicksilver and change often, for now she says that she doesn't want a friendship and that will likely change.

[Puzzledpieces]

2 months is great! Try not to beat yourself up too much. After all, you're only human I know that feeling you're feeling though regarding breaking it, you'll get passed it again as time goes by and you'll once again get in a groove of NC. I'm guessing she was testing the waters to see if you were still interested or not. The 2 months probably bothered her, she probably spent that time wondering why you haven't contacted her and she needed to see for herself how you were doing. She probably knows the struggle you'll face now with yourself and she most likely enjoys it.
Next time, stick to NC when she reaches out, if she does.  No good will come of meeting up with her again. Hugs to you!

[HoneyB33]

Ugh, f*** these people. I'm so beyond any sympathy for them. She's a jerk, and can't stand the idea of you moving on in a healthy way for YOURself. Don't even listen to her, please. I can totally get what you mean with feeling mad with yourself, but don't even bother. There isn't some sparkling mystic revelation, around the corner, you need to find within the right big toe of your being. This is the fact that she's a bad person (yay for opting out of a few choices words). The simple fact here is that she wants to control you. She can sense that you're healing and doing well, and she's like, "But Burton, I want to control you." Because it's not actually about you moving on in healthy directions, it's about her stupid ego and false ideas about herself. If you really move on, then she's not as desirable as she thought. Case in fact with her accusing you of your feelings, and looks of "desire" at her. It's also her trying to make you the problem, when the whole reality is HER. That's really the game at play here. You moving on shows that you're healthy. God, you're such a horrible person!... It's all BS. Brush yourself off, throw away her words, get a damn ice cream cone, and keep on moving away from someone so destructive.

[jrharvey]

2 months is great! Try not to beat yourself up too much. After all, you're only human I know that feeling you're feeling though regarding breaking it, you'll get passed it again as time goes by and you'll once again get in a groove of NC. I'm guessing she was testing the waters to see if you were still interested or not. The 2 months probably bothered her, she probably spent that time wondering why you haven't contacted her and she needed to see for herself how you were doing. She probably knows the struggle you'll face now with yourself and she most likely enjoys it.
Next time, stick to NC when she reaches out, if she does.  No good will come of meeting up with her again. Hugs to you!

I love this post. Wow. You know. I feel the same. Sometimes I just want to say F these people. Ive been validating before, loving, understanding and sympathetic just to have my girl tell me my mom deserved to be hit by my dad and then spit on me for no damn reason and also call my friend 3 times asking if they could hook up after fighting with me because I took a picture of dinner that had a girl in the background. I agree. They may have a disorder and be mentally ill or have a horrible childhood but that doesn't change the fact that they can be pretty disgusting and wretched excuses for a human being. Yep I said it. I know its not going to be liked but the world doesn't revolve around these people no matter how much they want it to.

[pjstock42]

This topic is more helpful and meaningful to some people here than you may realize.

I am in a similar situation to you, only a few weeks into NC but her birthday is coming up and I have those lingering thoughts of reaching out to her. Topics like this reinforce the idea that I have absolutely nothing to gain from this other than hurting myself more and giving her the satisfaction of seeing firsthand the damage she caused to me.

I could totally see myself caving and then coming here to make this exact same topic so this is kind of like looking forward into the future and realizing that this is something I 100% can't do or I'll be left feeling the same way that you are burton. As difficult as NC is, I wholeheartedly believe that every additional week, day and even hour of it only serves to make us stronger and aid in our healing and it is something that must be uninterrupted to fully work.

I'm sorry that you went through this but as others have said, don't be too hard on yourself. Even though you made a mistake, just posting this topic is helping others here like me who can learn from your mistakes and I really appreciate that.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

The last time I went back to my last relationship I had a similar experience.  After she was intoxicated she told me she loved me.  A few days later she was upset and can't see me ever again.  You weren't wrong to go see her or break NC.  NC is a tool that helps us distance ourselves from a person who is harming us emotionally.  I don't doubt you're having a rough day, I know I would be feeling the same in the scenario you described.  I feel a great deal of shame that I really want to hear from my exBPDgf.  There I said it!   Build yourself back up and just be prepared for when the next invitation comes through.  But remember one thing, you're worth it.  YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

Whatever you tackle in this life, you are worth it my friend.

[Mr Orange]

I would guess that your ex feels a lot of shame with lying and the dinner probably triggered shame. It sounds like it could of been emotionally hard for her to see the person that she hurt. Her feelings are like quicksilver and change often, for now she says that she doesn't want a friendship and that will likely change.

^Definitely this. Also it seems like sometimes pwBPD will reach out to the non because they need to feel like they're the ones leaving and that the non is still attached (abandonment issues). Almost feels like a bait and switch scam. She was the one reaching out to you wanting friendship, then suddenly she's telling you friendship isn't possible because you are still have romantic feelings for her, and you're left thinking, "wait, what?"

[pjstock42]

My ex BPD already tried the "we should be friends thing". This was after she painted me to black with wildly inaccurate portrayals of my character and also after she had lied to my face for weeks about the 'grand finale' discard that she was covertly planning. I politely told her that I could never be friends with any person who thought so lowly of me and who could lie to me so easily and that was that.

[Puzzledpieces]

I am in a similar situation to you, only a few weeks into NC but her birthday is coming up and I have those lingering thoughts of reaching out to her. Topics like this reinforce the idea that I have absolutely nothing to gain from this other than hurting myself more and giving her the satisfaction of seeing firsthand the damage she caused to me.

I had this same feeling when my BPD exes birthday was coming up. In fact I had something Incredible made for him while we were still talking, and it arrived at a time where I was given the silent treatment. I struggled back and forth if I was going to give it to him. I chose to do so because it was actually a gift from a child, and he is a single dad so I thought he would appreciate it that much more. So I gave it to his mom to give to his daughter for him. I know he received it, but I didn't hear anything about it. In fact the ST continued right on through out all this. I didn't purchase it at a time of ST, it was a genuine thoughtful gift I knew he would love, and I was really surprised I didn't hear anything regarding it or how much he liked it. For all I know, I wasted my money and it's in the trash. 
It's times like these, where we take those special occasions in life and try to make the best of them, show how much we care, what these people mean to us, and in return we are met with a harsh reality. They don't care how much love or thought you put into them, nor do they appreciate it . I wish I hadn't bothered, but it's not the type of person I am.

[pjstock42]

Puzzled,

I definitely know what you mean and I'm sorry you went through the trouble of arranging that only to feel more hurt in the end due to the lack of even a simple 'thank you'. I think it's important to realize that for you, the satisfaction that you felt inside from doing something nice for someone, even when they didn't deserve it, was a greater sense of satisfaction than just doing nothing at all and that means that you are a good person which no one can take away from you.

This is why I am struggling as well, I feel like I'm going to think of myself as a mean person for not wishing her a happy birthday and that's probably coming from a similar place in terms of the internal struggle that you went through in deciding to provide the gift. It's going to be hard for me to not say anything but I have to remind myself what this person did to me, how little they care about me and how they have no respect for me whatsoever. If this was a normal relationship that ended on more healthy terms, I would absolutely reach out to her and I've done so in the past with exes when their bday came shortly after the breakup. It's going to be hard to not feel bad about myself for not contacting her but I know that it's something that I absolutely need to do to continue my recovery.

[Puzzledpieces]

Thank you! You're right it doesn't take away who I am as a person, and while I will always know that, I also felt incredibly stupid after not hearing anything about it at all, it just makes you feel like  they're secretly laughing at your stupidity of wanting to do something so nice for them, when they've been nothing but terrible to you.
I often wonder, because my ex BPD was bullied in school badly, if this is all a part of some pay back or something because people hurt him. I can come up with 100 things I'm sure but at the end of the day I suppose it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change the situation at hand, or the person he has become.

I know and feel your struggle on wanting to be the kind person you are and send a birthday wish. I probably would've regretted not doing it also, but at the same time if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known how it would've played out. Even though a big part of me assumed it would go exactly the way it did. I guess my advice now would be to just follow your instincts and be true to yourself. At the end of the day, we know these people don't think or feel in the same ways we do. They probably don't even expect a birthday wish, they probably don't even think about us.

[Stripey77]

  all... .

She doesn't want to keep in touch. And she personally relayed this message to you... .by email. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is 'keeping in touch', is it not? Because if that really was her final decision and she doesn't ever want to speak to you again, she could have even asked an acquaintance or mutual friend to tell you... .she could have waited to see IF you contacted her first and then politely declined any offer you made of a meeting etc. She could have said she was washing her hair that night, anything.

Instead, she proactively sought you out after instigating a 'closure' meeting and making contact with you , only to tell you how actually she's changed her mind. No she hasn't, this is just a typical BPD test. A really obvious symptom of the the 'push/pull' we've all been subjected to.

I have to say I don't really agree with a lot of your take on this HoneyBee... .they aren't inherently 'bad people', they are disordered people, living with a disorder. Having witnessed a friend go through hell with an undiagnosed NPD husband, I think I share some of your feelings with regards to him and his 'condition' - but even that is a disorder. It's too simplistic to dismiss all of our exes/loved ones as being bad people. They do bad things. And I write as someone who's been through as much emotional hell, discord and confusion as many on these boards. I still find myself feeling sorry for my ex, as well as even more sorry for myself. 

What strikes me in this story, as I say, and really jumps out, is the push/pull. Come here, go away, oh no... .come back again! As PJ says, just you wait until the next one.  And you can rest assured there will almost certainly be one at some point.

This wasn't a 'closure' dinner. There really isn't any proper closure for any of us nons, not so far as I can tell, anyway. Asking to see you was a test, to see if you would. Actually being there was a test, to see how you would behave. And now an email dismissing you again, because she's 'frightened' is a test, to see what you will say or do on the back of it. What I actually suspect is, reading between the lines, that there is still a mutual attraction or feelings going on there and that's what she's referring to. I am assuming you didn't make any overtures towards her. She is frightened by her own feelings as much as yours, and it's the perceived chance of being very close again that probably has her running for the hills.

Trust me, this is a test.  I know what I'm talking about. I've been picked up and put down so many times the last 8 months, it's staggering. I was recycled in November when he got back together with me and then completely dropped me out of his life after getting drunk and missing a date with me. He just literally went silent on me.

Three WEEKS later, maybe a little more, he pulled me over in a bar after I went to walk past him (and you can believe my heart was, and is, broken) because I'd given up trying to get a response from him after he let me down. Three days of texting... .nothing. I gave up. When he pulled me over it was to tell me how he'd been thinking a lot about us a couple, and that 'we don't work... .because I know how much you love me'. We ended up getting embroiled in a conversation which resulted in him walking out in the middle of it, something I've now been subjected to on a number of occasions when he seems unable to process his emotions.  We then went on to have a huge incident happen between us which resulted in me being given the ST for SIX MONTHS. And ghosted. We live just 4 mins' walk apart from one another, and I spent the first half of this year in abject emotional misery after he informed me on Christmas Eve that I was deleted from his life.

Guess who came back in my life, the woman he'd 'cancelled', towards the end of May. Guess who's now not talking to me again, for a whole set of different reasons. I can't take it seriously anymore... .he'll be back at some point. We didn't get back together by the way, but he was in my life.

The reason I mention the incident about being pulled over in a bar is this; he hadn't acknowledged that I even existed for three WEEKS after letting me down. In that time, I could have given up on him, changed my mind, found someone else, even! But somehow he felt the need to give me 'closure' to explain his silence and absence.  Isn't that amazing? Absolutely anything could have happened in those intervening weeks. But of course, they know us. They know they have our hearts. They know how we work. There was absolutely no need for him to tell me he'd decided to leave me again  - he'd made that patently clear by not being in my life for those weeks but he felt the need to explain... .and then ended up flouncing out! He instigated the conversation, not me! I was going to walk past him, sad as I was, because I'd obviously taken the hint that he wasn't talking to me. 

By the way I recently went to his home for the first time in almost 7 months. Remember I was 'deleted' from his life and no longer exist to him. All of my things were still there. All of them.  He has also told  me he has all his photos of me. So, not really deleted at all.

Your ex contacted you to see if you were still there, you can bet your bottom dollar on it. And you were. So now she's told you she doesn't want to be in touch... .and as I said, she's conveyed this to you by being in touch. LOL! 

Watch this space. 

[burton2070]

Thanks everyone for the responses. As much as I hate to see so many of you in the same boat, it helps me to not feel so alone in this. The very hard truth for me is that I can never have a relationship of any kind with her. This has been a huge setback for me - but one that I am determined to get through. I know how much better I was just starting to feel. This almost feels like fighting an addiction. I fell off the wagon and now I get back up and take it one day at a time. Hugs to you all. Thanks for the support.

[married21years]

they need to control the level of love and affection

not to little and not to much

i cant live like that

[Confused99]

Burton had the exact same thing happen to me a few months back.  Only difference she called a few days later and we recycled.  Lasted a week till I got a call from a frantic women telling me my exBPD was sleeping with her husband and she did it last night.   Point being.   You got spared.  Small hiccup go back to NC and stay there.  Cheers

[heartandwhole]

Hi burton2070,

The very hard truth for me is that I can never have a relationship of any kind with her.

Sadly, I came to this same conclusion, and it's a shame, because pwBPD is a great guy in so many ways.

This almost feels like fighting an addiction. I fell off the wagon and now I get back up and take it one day at a time.

It IS like an addiction. And you are right on to get right back on the wagon and treat yourself as your own best friend. Remember, the work you've done is not in vain, even if you feel you've had a setback. It's all the normal process of grieving and recovering.

We're cheering you on! 

heartandwhole

[myself]

it sure feels like she just lured me back in just when I was feeling better only to smack me back down.

It may have been less that she was thinking about you and your feelings and more that she was using the situation as a form of pressure relief from her own inner turmoil. As if putting a 'friendly' face on things would leave her seen in a 'good' light instead of 'bad'. Giving herself a sense of control while being out of control.

[fromheeltoheal]

Today, she sent me an email that she saw the way I was looking at her at dinner and it scared her. That I obviously still loved her, so she she didn't want a friendship or to keep in touch after all. Maybe that's all legit - I don't know... .

So was she right burton?  If you still love her, then you do, it is what it is.  Unrequited love is painful, for anyone, and hanging around with someone who can't and won't return that love, because they just don't love you or they have a personality disorder that includes a different definition of "love", is a recipe for more pain.  Best to take care of yourself very well, grieve and heal, and while you're at it, celebrate that fact that you are capable of loving someone, and make that a very good thing, instead of something that causes pain; maybe the pain comes from the choice of partners and not the love itself?

but it sure feels like she just lured me back in just when I was feeling better only to smack me back down.

Which is the predatory way to look at it, and is that giving her too much credit?  A borderline's behavior is a response to intense emotions, and reaching out to an attachment, or a prior attachment that still may be in place, is a way to soothe emotions a borderline can't soothe otherwise.  You popped up on her radar as a potentially soother, you agreed to meet, it went OK, although the way it made her feel was not soothing in the long run, based on her perception of your feelings, and borderlines are experts at identifying feelings, they have to be.

I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen.

You could go there, or you could realize this is a great way to check in with how your detachment is going and get immediate feedback.  Prognosis: way too early to spend time with her.  But how can you use this?  What do you need to do differently, if anything, moving forward?  You did mention it was "against your better judgement" that you accepted the invitation, so there's that, and what else can you learn from this.  Everything either happens to us or for us, depending on what we make it mean and how we use it.  How will you use this?