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Author Topic: What if my replacement KEEPS her happy  (Read 4623 times)
swimjim
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« on: July 27, 2016, 12:44:41 PM »

A huge fear I have is if she lives happily ever after with the replacement who is now her husband. I will never know as I have remained no contact for over 3 years. I went through the usual idealization phase with love bombs and "please marry me now!". I got split black in the worst way when she dumped me for my ex best friend. When I tried to "win" her back, she lashed out like a scared animal by calling the police and filing a false restraining order. That was the worst experience of my life. Shame and guilt consumed me for dragging my feet in not marrying her when I was being idealized.

My ex best friend reached out to me to tell me he felt she was crazy. She is now married to someone else. I should feel indifferent about her after 3 years. I was the one she wanted to marry. My gut instinct told me there was something "off" about her. She was so desperate. She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 5 months of dating. It all went down hill from there. I later found out she filed for bankruptcy after she painted me black. I had no idea she had those kind of money problems.

I am trying to take care of myself but I still think of her. If she remains happy in her marriage, then maybe she isn't disordered at all. She seems to move on quickly while I remain stuck.  
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have gone nc
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« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2016, 01:27:10 PM »

Hi, i'm sorry but where in this does it sound like she has moved on? your friend said he thinks she's crazy? He didnt pull that from thin air? He obviously wen't through some kind of issues/abuse to come up with that thought? She has gone bankrupt and married to someone else? that doesn't sound like soebody living a peaceful drama free life. Yes you may not be married now but that"s a normal thing to not just go marrying people who will accept it? I do get where your coming from and why you feel the way you do, but from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like shes got the upper hand here?
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Herodias
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 01:33:33 PM »

I know what you mean... .you just want to know if the new person is dealing with what you did. I do too. I am told it absolutely has to be happening... .just differently because the new person may handle things in a different way. i feel like my exes gf still does;t know exactly what she is dealing with yet, but I do believe deep down she is dealing with the drama... .it just has to be. he is who he is. People don't change, some people just don't see what is in front of them in the same way... .I think that the three years are eating your up too. I can't believe mine has been with his gf a year and a half and have a whole "family" with a baby and two dogs. Its like I never existed.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2016, 01:45:37 PM »

This is a very common question and a lot of peoples biggest fears. I went through it myself. If shes not crazy then it must be me. Well she has remarried and even though her public face is all is wonderful in the world the reality is different. Our soms now live with me and want nothing more to do with her. She cinstantly moans about her husband unless theres someone else to moan about. She even called me three days after their wedding to moan about him.

They cannot be happy as they cannot cope with stability.

I sat down and thought about what if by some miracle she really was happy. My answer is so what. I dont want her back and dont care what she gets up to. Happy or miserable it has no effect on me.
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swimjim
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« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2016, 02:42:06 PM »

Thanks for your responses. Self doubt is my biggest enemy. I think she feels marriage is a fantasy to solve all of her problems. As enlighten me stated, I want to have the feeling that I just don't care anymore. That must be a great peace of mind.
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StayStrongNow
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« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2016, 03:37:04 PM »

BPDers can run but they can't hide.

My stbxBPDmil has been married to a NPD for some 15 years. I don't think her marriage has much quality, she used to always trash him to me when she was splitting me white. I recall her referring to him as an as?$&@e many times. Told me she would divorce him if he treated her unlike the way she wanted and take him for every penny he had, sounds like extortion to me.

My stbxBPDw split me white for almost 8 of the 12 years I knew her. I gave her security and stability by being codependent to her during that time. But then came the job losses and the death of our 25 month young daughter and devaluation set in. Then of course came the discard and replacement.

I think my stbxBPDw has this disease bad, the nightmarish horror show included her being arrested multiple times with multiple charges and convictions including DV, child endangerment, public drunkenness, and more, much more happened that she did not get arrested for. The more I learn every day the more I realize I need NC as much as possible considering we have 3 children together is the ultimate answer.

I tried getting answers from a T who knew about her situation and saw her more than me only to say "she has some traits of BPD." So if you suspect she has BPD take this knowledge as a gift. I know it hurts, it's painful, and it may get worse. Personally, I wish I knew what I know now because I would have prevented exponential pain and suffering if I would have known the signs of BPD during my engagement period.

Bolt away from her and never look back. Use the tools your brothers and sisters posts here at bpdfamily, they have helped me so much to pick up the pieces and go home.
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anonymous1234

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« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2016, 04:15:36 PM »

Very recognizable, I'm in this phase as well, although it has been only three months for me. Mine primed my ex best friend as well during the relationship, someone who had little experience with women and has low self esteem (which he compensates by boasting, even to friends about sabotaging my relationship ) and is a probable narcissist. You have a lot strength, talking to your friend, I can't imagine I can stand being in the room with him for the coming year(s).

Although mine hasn't been diagnosed not even while being evaluated by a psychiatrist, there is no doubt in my mind she has a lot of traits of BPD. I'll guess that'll have to be enough for me and it should be reason enough not to get involved with her when this relationship fails (and that is very likely in the long run). My problem is that the feelings for her were deep, in time I even wanted to have children with her, so I can understand you thinking a lot about her. I do it as well and miss her deeply. My second problem is that I'm mad as **** towards that dude, he doesn't deserve to be with my girl. Everyone but him.

But hey, what can you do about it. Just don't wait around for her too long, she doesn't deserve that. Eventually we have to move on, although it's difficult.
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swimjim
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« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2016, 07:28:51 PM »

Thanks for your replies. Maintaining no contact, I will not know if she is currently happy. She married a sugar daddy who is retired in his mid 60s. Her parents bought a home for them so I don't think he comes from much money himself. I think I will be much more better of if I reach the point of not caring anymore like some of you have. If you no longer care, the pain is gone. I should have reached that point by now. I have had my therapist and countless others try to convince me that I dodged a bullet. If only I can believe it myself.
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Herodias
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« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2016, 09:37:32 PM »

I have to say that the pain is not necessarily gone when you no longer care. I'm told that because we had visions of our relationship that is different than reality- we are actually mourning the loss of a dream. That's the part to cope with. They can go torture someone else and we can be glad they are gone, but we still had a loss- that's what you need to deal with.
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married21years
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« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2016, 02:51:43 AM »

hi bud its over

but you dont seem to have that mindset 

you seem to be holding on for a fantasy of making her happy will make you happy

it dosnt work like that you have to work on yourself

you need to move on and work out what will make you happy

i know it is hard and a long road but we are here for you
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TheRiddler
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« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2016, 03:08:03 AM »

What I always find curious about this board is the confidence many members have that people's exes will return, and the absolute certainty others have that they won't.  It's really an interesting dichotomy, and I guess it really is impossible to tell, but from what I've heard repeated time and again is the fact that they never truly detach, so it seems it's more over and finite for you than it is them.
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married21years
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« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2016, 03:19:42 AM »

What I always find curious about this board is the confidence many members have that people's exes will return, and the absolute certainty others have that they won't.  It's really an interesting dichotomy, and I guess it really is impossible to tell, but from what I've heard repeated time and again is the fact that they never truly detach, so it seems it's more over and finite for you than it is them.

hi

they seem to attach to the best prospect to get what they want

and reality is distorted to achieve this

if you are strong go NC and dont allow them to re write history, they will paint you black and not come back!

this is what i have done but it was not easy and it broke my heart, but the knowledge that she had broken the no cheating boundary in our relationship before we split made it a lot easier despite her continued denials!

in the words of nelly boswell

"SHE IS A WHORE!"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Hopeful83
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« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2016, 03:23:12 AM »

Excerpt
What I always find curious about this board is the confidence many members have that people's exes will return, and the absolute certainty others have that they won't.  It's really an interesting dichotomy, and I guess it really is impossible to tell, but from what I've heard repeated time and again is the fact that they never truly detach, so it seems it's more over and finite for you than it is them.

My ex once messaged an ex of his after we'd had a massive argument that had resulted in me going out to a party without him (we were supposed to go together, he then refused and got drunk at home on his own). He wrote "I think I need to talk to you." in the message to her. When I asked him about it, he of course came up with some lame excuse as to why he'd sent her that. She was married (!) at this stage and we'd been together just over a year and a half.

I believe that's my proof that there's always a chance you hear from them, although I'm of the 'I'll never hear from him again' camp. But when I remind myself of that incident I realise that you never really know when you'll be painted white and needed by them. It used to trouble me somewhat, but now (I think) I'm strong enough to handle whatever potentially comes my way.

Hopeful.
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Dutched
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« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2016, 06:12:49 AM »

You were in a r/s with someone who lived in a fantasy. A make believe world, see a Disney movie.
PwBPD splits persons in good and bad and there is no middle ground!
Therefore in every partner pwBPD have the push – pull or the known  I love you – I hate you.
There whole life pwBPD will seek the ‘I love you feeling’ out of survival instinct, their coping.

Now in the beginning of a r/s pwBPD seeks and receives that good feeling by the new attachment:
Rescued:  as ‘finally one that understands me’ or ‘the best ever happened to me’
Mirroring: the chameleon to keep the new interested and having lack of identity themselves.

Why? For survival, as the good feelings rewards them and keeps the new attachment hooked, almost at whatever it takes.  All in order to avoid their biggest fear, being abandoned.

But devaluation will set in, sets in long before the ‘non’ ever notice. Just for futilities (like not showing enough interest in new cloths). That accumulates and accumulates, still without you notice it, until the so called testing you will begin.
Circular arguments, being embarrassed, being more and more criticised. All testing you ‘real love’ for that fear of abandonment.
The devaluation in full glory, however you still wondering what is going on… for months, for years even…
 
That triggers their fear and sets in the other identity they create, the bad one, you can’t be trusted, you don’t  love enough, etc.
Short, you failed! Like her parents failed, like every one else failed.

Now to avoid those feelings and the anxiety pwBPD will seek reward outside the r/s.
No not necessarily by cheating (although it seems to be more than common), it comes in all sorts, like substance abuse, shopping addict, visiting all kind of activities so going out and out seeking ANY reward to sooth themselves.

The sad and ironic of it is that you/we were the cause of all…
The sad and ironic is that we loved a person for years, decades in whom we believed and trusted even had kids with.

You are not dealing with any logic, you are dealing with a disorder.
A disordered mind that you unconsciously wanted to repair, to sooth and again unconsciously hoping after all that effort that the light bulb would shine as you became so accurate in explaining any situation that their mind really had to see it.
Sadly, the perspective didn’t alter… it stayed, disordered as it was.

Now as an answer on your question:

Alice to White Rabbit:
How long is forever?
Sometimes it lasts for a moment…

The new attachment will be the cause of all…
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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
married21years
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« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2016, 06:40:18 AM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Dutched    

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) amazing post!
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Dutched
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« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2016, 07:19:24 AM »


 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post)  Thanks for the compliments married21years!

Just thought putting some efforts in becoming Socrates' philosopher  
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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
swimjim
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« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2016, 09:40:49 AM »

Who has more of a chance to keep her in the idealization phase, the alpha male or the doormat? The doormat will succumb to all of her demands and the alpha male will stand up to her. Will that keep her interest? Just curious how this can go on for many years. Mine lasted 3 years but I did not live with her. Now that she is married, she is with him daily. Will she be triggered in a quicker fashion? I know that every situation is different. Just looking for generalities. 
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2016, 10:18:10 AM »

No way! In fact, my one step daughter(all three hate me, but at least this one will talk to me) said that they know their Dad has told lies to all of us, and that he just blames others, and won't take any personal responsibility. Here's the kicker that made me feel the best: she said he'll just keep repeating this most likely, and will do this to anyone pretty much. She thinks he's repeating a lot of what he did to their Mother. I personally think he's some worse, as I don't engage to the degree she did, so he has to try harder to get a reaction out of me, and even then I won't sink to his level.

These people don't "do better" with someone else, because THEY are the problem. Now, that's not saying we are perfect, or weren't codependent or enabling to some degree, but most of us work on those issues, while those with BPD in large part don't want to. It's the small numbers on here that have BPD partners that get help, work their programs, and do get some better that give us hope, but that is not the large majority, I feel.

I got away from someone I feel was a sociopath, and I still miss him, five years later, although I'd never go back to him, and am glad I got away. I don't think I'll feel that way when I leave BPDh. I know I'll be sad, maybe scared at all the life changes, but I know the daily stress will have to be a huge relief. I'm sure he'll move onto someone else really fast(and that will hurt), as he did that last time he walked out on me. What does that say though? To me it says that I really was just a commodity to him, and easily replaced. He couldn't really connect with me, I was just there for his own ego, and to serve him. I wasn't part of the equation at all really, other than to abuse, and take his rage out on.

Unless these people really hit rock bottom, and are committed to seeking help, they don't get better. The only way the seem "happier" with someone else, is if the person they end up with has zero self esteem, or they themselves need very little in a relationship: in other words, two very broken people fitting together. A friend told me about that years ago, and now I finally get it. I don't want to become broken enough, or subvert my needs enough to stay with him.

Comfort yourself with what your ex friend told you: she has not gotten better, and she did the same to him. My BPDh's daughter told me last night that he'll likely do this to someone after me too. He plays victim she says, and takes zero responsibility for hurting others. Just blames them. Sad.
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swimjim
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« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2016, 11:19:14 AM »

I think  I am assuming that the marriage must be okay since there have been no attempts on her part to recycle me. But then again... .she probably figures she closed the door shut with me by calling the police on me and dragging me into a courtroom. I kind of wish she wouldn't have gone that far because there is no going back for me after she put me through that.
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StayStrongNow
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« Reply #19 on: July 28, 2016, 11:38:47 AM »

This is a great post. I have gained so much by reading it. I really cannot add to it right now, I am still blown away how Dutched described my r/s with the stbxBPDw to such an accurate precision.

Thank you all, please carry on.
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steelwork
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« Reply #20 on: July 28, 2016, 12:28:04 PM »

I got split black in the worst way when she dumped me for my ex best friend. When I tried to "win" her back, she lashed out like a scared animal by calling the police and filing a false restraining order. That was the worst experience of my life. Shame and guilt consumed me for dragging my feet in not marrying her when I was being idealized.

swimjim, your story is in some ways very close to mine. I won't bother reciting all the details, but I dragged my feet, too--for two years. My ex was so good at putting on a happy face, continuing to lavish me with affection and praise, that I didn't realize the extent of the anger that was building up. Instead of my best friend, he began secretly courting a person who was, more or less, my nemesis.

The sudden lashing out was just so awful. I was in shock, consumed with regret about not having seized the opportunity to be with him (he proposed, twice), still convinced of the strength of his feelings for me, so I tried to win him back, too, at first.

In the end, he ghosted. That was a year and a half ago. We aren't in contact. Maybe she's keeping him happy, I don't know. He told me once, when he'd begun to give up on winning me, that he would never love anyone else (I know, I know)--that when he found someone else, he'd lie to keep her, but he wouldn't be able to fool himself. Such a weird projection into the future.

That plays in my head a lot--he's lying to her to keep her. Who knows? If she can keep him happy, then he's happy, whether he loves her or not. But if he's so happy, then why does he have to lock me in cold storage? We had a major relationship. A happy person would not need to forget it ever existed.
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swimjim
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« Reply #21 on: July 28, 2016, 02:42:41 PM »

I got split black in the worst way when she dumped me for my ex best friend. When I tried to "win" her back, she lashed out like a scared animal by calling the police and filing a false restraining order. That was the worst experience of my life. Shame and guilt consumed me for dragging my feet in not marrying her when I was being idealized.

swimjim, your story is in some ways very close to mine. I won't bother reciting all the details, but I dragged my feet, too--for two years. My ex was so good at putting on a happy face, continuing to lavish me with affection and praise, that I didn't realize the extent of the anger that was building up. Instead of my best friend, he began secretly courting a person who was, more or less, my nemesis.

The sudden lashing out was just so awful. I was in shock, consumed with regret about not having seized the opportunity to be with him (he proposed, twice), still convinced of the strength of his feelings for me, so I tried to win him back, too, at first.

In the end, he ghosted. That was a year and a half ago. We aren't in contact. Maybe she's keeping him happy, I don't know. He told me once, when he'd begun to give up on winning me, that he would never love anyone else (I know, I know)--that when he found someone else, he'd lie to keep her, but he wouldn't be able to fool himself. Such a weird projection into the future.

That plays in my head a lot--he's lying to her to keep her. Who knows? If she can keep him happy, then he's happy, whether he loves her or not. But if he's so happy, then why does he have to lock me in cold storage? We had a major relationship. A happy person would not need to forget it ever existed.

Hi Steelwork. Yes, I was convinced I was the greatest man in the world. It was intoxicating. She called me "honey" and "sweetheart". I felt like it was unconditional love like a mother. Then came the split black. Why would someone who loved me unconditionally call the police on me? Then, to add insult to injury, drag me into court with my ex friend having his arm around her. It was traumatizing.  When I lost her, I was desperate to get her back. I offered her the ring she so begged for. The next day the police were called. I can't wrap my head around this.
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steelwork
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« Reply #22 on: July 28, 2016, 02:50:50 PM »

I can't wrap my head around this.

It's just gonna take a while. Not an easy process. I'm sorry. Truly I am.
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swimjim
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« Reply #23 on: July 28, 2016, 02:55:34 PM »

I often wonder, will she keep her husband painted white if he upsets her and they fight? Will she try harder to make it work since she is now married, or will the devaluation begin?
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steelwork
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« Reply #24 on: July 28, 2016, 03:07:32 PM »

I wonder that, too. I really did disappoint the guy. But what can I do? He didn't give me another chance. And now, all this way down the road, I can see that "everything happens for a reason" is not just a cliche.

Look. There's a reason I dragged my feet, and there's a reason you dragged your feet. Well, there are lots of reasons. But if you are anything like me, a big part of it was my subconscious awareness that something was wrong with him--something beyond my considerable capacity for accommodating eccentricities.
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swimjim
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« Reply #25 on: July 28, 2016, 03:19:08 PM »

I wonder that, too. I really did disappoint the guy. But what can I do? He didn't give me another chance. And now, all this way down the road, I can see that "everything happens for a reason" is not just a cliche.

Look. There's a reason I dragged my feet, and there's a reason you dragged your feet. Well, there are lots of reasons. But if you are anything like me, a big part of it was my subconscious awareness that something was wrong with him--something beyond my considerable capacity for accommodating eccentricities.
Gut instinct. I remember her DEMANDING I get on my knees and ask her hand in marriage. At the time, I acted like a doormat to avoid a major blowup/meltdown on her part. I did what she wanted even though I was dumbfounded. She saw it was not coming from my heart and that I was not convincing. I walked out of her place that evening in a major fight. That was my first gut instinct that something was "off" about her. Follow the gut instinct. I guess most healthy guys would have laughed at her and walked out and ended it there. My codependency kept me in the game.
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« Reply #26 on: July 28, 2016, 04:03:56 PM »

Swimjim, you wrote:

Who has more of a chance to keep her in the idealization phase, the alpha male or the doormat?
Please don’t be mislead about the so called ‘alpha male’, the James Bonds, James Deans or John Waynes guys.
In the animal world it exists, humans are far more complex.
Psychology agrees that we (humans) don’t  ‘have a place’ in hierarchy as we belong to more than 1 social circle (it might be true that one has a boss)
Within the four walls of home there is no leader of the pack (We are no dogs/wolfs. Elephants yes, they have a complex social system and we humans have the most complex system in interacting).

I suggest that it is more advisable to read about attachment styles and the (possible better) match when 2 type of styles are in a relationship.  

Further, don’t forget BPD and Cluster B are spectrum disorders.
From being in a sense dormant to constantly exposed.
From being mild until triggered.
From low to high functioning.
From cutting, suicidal attempts to seemingly normal and highly respected (like some celebrities)
From having many short(er) relationships to being able in a r/s for many years (though with much turmoil).

Looking for generalities?
In my previous post it is in general the deterioration of the relationship, sooner or later.
Said also that the new attachment will be the cause of all…

Have a closes look at the reply of Cerulandblue again, she is spot on, saying:  
“These people don’t do better with someone else because THEY are the problem”.

You wrote:
"I think  I am assuming that the marriage must be okay since there have been no attempts on her part to recycle me".
Yes, she moved on… a fact for you... . but… don’t be mislead and think again how your r/s evolved… how all relationships described in this topic and on this Board evolved… the answer is given (remember that attachment style…).

It is a matter of time before any stressor will be activated… depending on the match… (attachment style) which there, at any point in the future, NEVER WAS according to ‘them’.

How can anyone keep borrowing (mirroring) a self, self esteem, values AND attachment style of another person for life as ones only need is to be loved, need of instant gratification, having a constant fear for abandonment all in order to survive?  

Seen it after 30+ yrs. that all, and I really mean all, what was important and of great value in that r/s and family, was thrown overboard in a blink of an eye. Hooked a 67-70 yr. old “mr Onlsow type” with big tattoos (‘how disgusting’ exw’s reaction always was) and acting lovingly as a nurse with a purse for his last resort for his old days… Even parading wearing the a same poor looking style… attachment…

How painful all was and how difficult your road is and will be, you (maybe because of her lower functioning) dodged a bullet before you were heavy committed, having a house, mortgage and kids…

 And… remember your instinct!
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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
swimjim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #27 on: July 28, 2016, 04:39:42 PM »

Swimjim, you wrote:

Who has more of a chance to keep her in the idealization phase, the alpha male or the doormat?
Please don’t be mislead about the so called ‘alpha male’, the James Bonds, James Deans or John Waynes guys.
In the animal world it exists, humans are far more complex.
Psychology agrees that we (humans) don’t  ‘have a place’ in hierarchy as we belong to more than 1 social circle (it might be true that one has a boss)
Within the four walls of home there is no leader of the pack (We are no dogs/wolfs. Elephants yes, they have a complex social system and we humans have the most complex system in interacting).

I suggest that it is more advisable to read about attachment styles and the (possible better) match when 2 type of styles are in a relationship.  

Further, don’t forget BPD and Cluster B are spectrum disorders.
From being in a sense dormant to constantly exposed.
From being mild until triggered.
From low to high functioning.
From cutting, suicidal attempts to seemingly normal and highly respected (like some celebrities)
From having many short(er) relationships to being able in a r/s for many years (though with much turmoil).

Looking for generalities?
In my previous post it is in general the deterioration of the relationship, sooner or later.
Said also that the new attachment will be the cause of all…

Have a closes look at the reply of Cerulandblue again, she is spot on, saying:  
“These people don’t do better with someone else because THEY are the problem”.

You wrote:
"I think  I am assuming that the marriage must be okay since there have been no attempts on her part to recycle me".
Yes, she moved on… a fact for you... . but… don’t be mislead and think again how your r/s evolved… how all relationships described in this topic and on this Board evolved… the answer is given (remember that attachment style…).

It is a matter of time before any stressor will be activated… depending on the match… (attachment style) which there, at any point in the future, NEVER WAS according to ‘them’.

How can anyone keep borrowing (mirroring) a self, self esteem, values AND attachment style of another person for life as ones only need is to be loved, need of instant gratification, having a constant fear for abandonment all in order to survive?  

Seen it after 30+ yrs. that all, and I really mean all, what was important and of great value in that r/s and family, was thrown overboard in a blink of an eye. Hooked a 67-70 yr. old “mr Onlsow type” with big tattoos (‘how disgusting’ exw’s reaction always was) and acting lovingly as a nurse with a purse for his last resort for his old days… Even parading wearing the a same poor looking style… attachment…

How painful all was and how difficult your road is and will be, you (maybe because of her lower functioning) dodged a bullet before you were heavy committed, having a house, mortgage and kids…

 And… remember your instinct!

Thank you Dutched. What do you mean by attachment style vs. alpha male. I can see a doormat getting stuck in the fog for years never leaving (self esteem issues) even thou she keeps pushing limits and taking advantage holding the power strings. However, it would be encouraging to know that James Dean and George Clooney would eventually get split black. You know what I mean?
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swimjim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #28 on: July 28, 2016, 04:49:53 PM »

Maybe the more self assured individuals would not fall prey to a borderline by waking away at the first red flag? But so many of us get pulled into that sexy idealization from a beautiful woman. That is their hook. then the capture. It's hard not to go back for more. Then we write off the red flags as excuses or insignificant until it is too late and we are in too deep to escape.
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bunny4523
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 438


« Reply #29 on: July 28, 2016, 04:59:53 PM »

I have to say that the pain is not necessarily gone when you no longer care. I'm told that because we had visions of our relationship that is different than reality- we are actually mourning the loss of a dream. That's the part to cope with. They can go torture someone else and we can be glad they are gone, but we still had a loss- that's what you need to deal with.

I think that is a very simple and realistic way to look at it.  If you can keep focused on mourning the dream, it seems easier to detach from the "person" and heal.

Bunny
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