Mom with BPD

[teofilo524]

Hi there, I'm a young adult and just graduated from college. I grew up mostly with my mom, as my parents are very estranged. I have an older sister. We both strongly believe my mom has BPD, but she hasn't been diagnosed. She unmistakably has all the signs and symptoms (impulsive behavior, splitting, emotional blackmail). She has a lot of trouble respecting our independence, but especially mine. Because of a series of events and my sister's demeanor, she's laid off her, but focuses her feelings of abandonment and dependence on me. I'm moving out West for a job, and recently found out that this summer she's planned to move out there as well without telling me (she's a teacher so she can find a job pretty easily). After finding out and getting evidence to prove she's moving out there, I confronted her but she vigrorously denies it. Like many people with BPD, she gets extremely defensive and emotionally abusive when I try to uncover her lies. I'm leaving in less than a week. I'm really scared she's not going to respect my independence. I do think she has a place to stay (at least) out West, but I'm worried she's going to try to monitor my life, and if I confront her, embarass me in front of my roommates. I warned my roommate about my mom, but it's still pretty awkward since most people don't understand BPD. I need advice. How can I best set boundaries with my mom, considering I can't control her and she's emotionally/verbally abusive? Without getting to the extreme of calling the police?

[Mutt]

Hi Teofilo524,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I would feel upset too if a parent was moving for the sake of following me. A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) have poor boundaries and fail to understand other people's boundaries. Mothers with BPD don't understand where they stop and their child begins, I see that with my ex-wife and our kids.

We can't control other people's actions, we can only control ourselves. We set boundaries on ourselves, what are our morals and values? Boundaries are also about self compassion, an invisible outward layer that protect us. Getting back to controlling ourselves, if my ex did Y then I respond with X. Why do think that you would need to call the police?

I'm glad that you decided to join us. You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. This is a place where we can share pur thoughts and feelings without being judged or invalidated for our thoughts and feelings. It helps to talk.
 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Teofilo524:   

I'd like to join MUTT in welcoming you!  Congrats on graduating from college and moving out West.  I'm so sorry that your mom might be causing some problems for you, during what should be an exciting time (not a stressful one).

Hopefully, with you having roommates, she will be less apt to just drop by.  You might decide on a strategy for social media.  You may need to block your mom or restrict her access with some media.  BPD and social media just don't mix and it is a lot easier to prevent situations. 

There are a lot of good lessons at links on the right of this page. 

The information at these links for FOG and BOUNDARIES  can be helpful.

One boundary could be in regard to verbal abuse.  Just don't allow it.  If you need to cut a phone conversation short, do it (i.e., I'm sorry you are so angry, I need to let you go now. We can talk another time when you are calm).  If she sends abusive texts, advise her that they won't be answered and then hold firm to that boundary.

Who has your mom split in the past?  Have you been successful with any certain communication skills? 

Have you had to call the police in the past?  Has she gotten physical?

[Littleicecream]

Hey Teofilo524!

That really really sucks that your mom seems to try to follow you. At this point, I'd give her as little information about you as possible. I moved away too from my mom. She didn't follow me, thank god, but guilt tripped me everytime for taking care of myself.

It's awesome that you're moving for yourself.  She won't respect your independence , thats what BPDs do,... .but you can make her respect yours by limiting contact if she doesn't respect you. What I've found that works for me is that when I start feeling worked up or I feel like I'm trying to show her how she's inconsistent, I end up feeling more exhausted than she does. Many times I take a step back and try to find humor in the way my mom thinks, which helps tremendously. Your mom is limited in trying to understand what you feel, and in understanding the whole picture.

The good thing is, she can live in the same city, but you don't have to see her. She doesn't need to know exactly where you live.