So I did something really really stupid

[JerryRG]

Went to our local Walmart this afternoon.

Seen someone standing in the pharmacy dept that looked a lot my exgf. After looking again, yep it was her, I knew I shouldn't but I walked over and said hi. She said she was wondering if I might be in the store.

We talked a while and I was just snooping for answers, she told me about how she broke up with her bf, he's so controlling he won't allow her to be alone, or talk to me without watching over her shoulder. So what.

He lost his appartment and he was staying with her brother, he's so abusive the brother kicked him out.

The bf chases her when she tries to leave.

He told her she's destroying his life? Hmm about time.

Exgf said she's afraid of him, said if I got that ro it would help her kick him out of her life.

BBBBBBBBSSSSSSSS

Anyway she told her bf she gave me temp custody of our son, (lie)

She said her bf don't want her in treatment

Hmm and that our son was a miracle baby and she won't have any more kids

I asked her why she's still with her bf if he's so awful and abusive and controlling? She just don't seem to know why.

She wants to work on herself and taking care of our son.

She brought up the good times we had and how she missed them.

I haven't told anyone I talked to my exgf, I would be in serious trouble if I did.

Oh well, I kept my emotions out of the conversation and it went ok, still see she's broken, confused and still extremly mixed up.

I'm sure I left out some things, it was strange talking to her again, she's so thin and looks awful. She said her heath was not good.

[Nyla]

Jerry, I have a friend who has gone through this with her ex. And I fell into the feeling sorry for her and ended up going back. Which of course imploded! After the break up my friend gave me wise advise. Don't allow yourself to feel sympathy for someone who has no empathy. At least not right away. And she was right it was another trick she used against me. I don't know your circumstance this was just my experience. Good luck staying strong.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Nyla

I just wanted one more view into the abyss

It is much worse than I ever remembered and yet part of me still wants her to get well, to finally see the truth, for her to be free from her inner turmoil.

I'm not God, I don't even know the questions, let alone the answers for her. All I do know is she's dangling buy a thread and facing losing everything. She said she's been suicidal recently, what does she do to help herself?

Nothing

I must stay away from her

[lovenature]

Hey Jerry, you're only human like the rest of us; I shook my head and said to myself many times that I must be out of my mind while walking across the street to see my ex.-didn't realize at the time how much of myself I had lost. Still stayed way longer than I should have.

How are you feeling now? Do you notice that it is better when you see how disordered she is and accept this is how she has decided to continue to live?

You recognize it wasn't good to talk to her about anything not related to your son; shows you are focusing on you.

Remember, they will say/do whatever fits their current emotion of the moment. Only they can decide to get the help they need; the more we try to help them to see reality, the worse it is for both partners. Keep moving forward.

[JerryRG]

Thanks lovenature

I know this sounds awful but I feel dirty, disgusting like I need a shower. She is so confused and disordered that it hurts to see just how out of touch with reality she truly is.

She won't listen to anything and still believes I lie, she still thinks I'm the enemy. No wonder I was so hopelessly frustrated when we were together, I got a fading glimpse of the desperation I felt when we were together. It's been so long since then.

Her new relationship is worse than ours was, yet she's willing to hang on to it because she's so broken she thinks she deserves nothing better.

I will learn eventually that I cannot save her, I cannot be around her, I have to just allow her to suffer, just let go. I really feel sorry for her, she's much much worse than I remember or have seen her before.

[lovenature]

Her new relationship is worse than ours was, yet she's willing to hang on to it because she's so broken she thinks she deserves nothing better.

She probably thinks she deserves much better, more than anyone can realistically give her in reality (The closer you get, the more you are pushed away. Nothing is ever enough). Typical BPD behaviour, you of course know her best though.

I went for a walk Friday night, on my way back home I heard my ex. yell from across the street "that was short lived, was it good? You f***ing whore". Real nice for the neighbors to hear. It was in response to her believing her projections and cognitive distortions about me and another woman who lives close by; this has gone on for over 4 years!
I just ignored her, kept walking and said to myself-so sad.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

Anyway she told her bf she gave me temp custody of our son, (lie)

She probably said this because her bf doesn't like kids.

[rfriesen]

I will learn eventually that I cannot save her, I cannot be around her, I have to just allow her to suffer, just let go. I really feel sorry for her, she's much much worse than I remember or have seen her before.

Hi Jerry,
Sounds like the contact with your ex brought up a painful whirl of emotions. I can relate to that. It also seems to have shown you that you've made progress in recognising that you need to keep your distance, but that you're not entirely there emotionally. When you say you "will learn eventually" ... .what do you think holds you back now? What would you need to finally let go?

There are usually no simple answers. I've tried sticking to a straightforward exercise when I feel the pull of those emotions again. I take a moment to sit with myself, to acknowledge my desire to help, to remember the pain the relationship caused, and to wish my ex and myself peace and greater self-kindness. It might sound hokey and it's sure no silver bullet ... .but the strength of it comes with repetition. Over time, the more I've worked at it, the stronger I've felt in dealing with the emotions.

I hope you're doing better today.

[Rayban]

[quotei. She said she was wondering if I might be in the store.
/quote]

Hey Jerry I wondering if she planned the chance meeting? Speaking from experience, my ex would show up at restaurants, park her car so she could run into me. Could she of done the same?

The other hook that I also lived through is her bringing up the good times. You did well to stick to conversation regarding your kid. It's so easy otherwise to fall in the fox hole.

I think she stays with her BF, because she needs an attachment no matter what she could not be alone. 

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone, I haven't had a chance to respond. When I get a minute I will.

[JerryRG]

I moved on,
I got well,
You're still sick,
Still living in hell.

I hope and pray for our sons mother.
She's a mess, and I think she is stuck there for now.

I am not going to wait for her to get well, our son is growing up fast and he can't put off his life for his mother.

She said yesterday that she's never dealt with anything in her life and it's all hitting her now, BPD fate? The same defenses that protect them, ultimately destroy them?

We all to face our demons don't we?

She is predictable after all.