Email from BPD ex...Yep, all my fault, and I'm crazy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I checked my spam today for the first time in a while, and this was awaiting me from 3 days ago:

"X (shared T)won't be happy about me doing this but I'm ok with that. And of course I'll tell him anyways because I do tell him everything unlike you.  I'm grateful to finally have the validation of knowing that I don't have any kind of 'personality disorder'. I wanted you to be the first to know, since you were the one who's half truths, blame shifting, and superior gas lighting and projection skills, were responsible for getting me diagnosed with one and then were constantly trying to convince me that I had it . And you were good too because you actually had me  buying into it for a little while until I started realizing that half the things I read didn't apply to me and then realized some of the issues I was owning in the beginning were not even my issues. Ironic how ALL of your exes were 'crazy' and/or did you so wrong and how me AND your ex wife had the same thing yet were nothing at all alike, according to you.  I now understand the reality of our relationship and all the whys, and how's and I know that I was never deserving of any of the treatment that I got... I've been nothing more to you than another woman on your 'supply' list for the past couple years. I can accept that reality because I know it wasn't personal. Our relationship went through the phases that any woman's relationship with you would. My sincere heart and compassionate nature are why it went on way too long. I'm guilty of nothing more than actually being trusting, sincere, and REAL from the very beginning. Trust issues were yours... .my issue was that I actually trusted too easily and that went out the window legitimately during my attempt to, not snoop through your phone, but to do nothing more than answer a text one morning from X while you were in the shower. And I now understand that a lot of my behavior after that morning, although not excusable, when I did do things like checking your phone, was out of my desperation to try to figure out why you seemingly changed personalities overnight... .which I now understand was just out of boredom... It wasn't about me or my issues... it was about the reality of what was transpiring and your 'crazy making' behavior. I had never been that person before you and now understand why I became that person with you. I thank God for my therapy and being able to confront my abusive past and my ACTUAL issues and that I am finally able to ACCEPT the reality of who you are, which I knew but fought accepting for over a year. Your last hit and run a couple months ago made it stick. If I had never met you then I would not be where I am today so I thank you. And even though I've heard numerous times that its not true... .I choose to believe that ANYBODY can change if they desire to... and that does include you... .but that does take accountability as well.  I truly wish you and your new partner nothing but the best."


The "hit and run" refers to a week in June I was drug back in by her to "help" with her 18 yr old daughter who had left home to stay with her 22 yr old bf.  It brought me back in the FOG a bit and I wasn't strong enough to resist seduction.  We slept together which we both acknowledged beforehand was not the healthiest of choices, but both willingly participated knowing that was what it was. (really poor boundaries on my part... .thus my fault as I knew better)  Anyway, I really have no clue what the rest of it is, or is even referring to... .other than major projection and distorted reality.  The only reality being I am seeing someone new now, which has triggered crazy.  She has been diagnosed... .and his diagnosis hasn't changed... .
Note, she has only been to 3-4 therapy sessions in the last 3+years.

I shared this because it shook me for a minute, and I felt the slightest hint of FOG... .was I crazy?   Took about 10 minutes, I'm good now.  

[drained1996]

I checked my spam today for the first time in a while, and this was awaiting me from 3 days ago:

"X (shared T)won't be happy about me doing this but I'm ok with that. And of course I'll tell him anyways because I do tell him everything unlike you.  I'm grateful to finally have the validation of knowing that I don't have any kind of 'personality disorder'. I wanted you to be the first to know, since you were the one who's half truths, blame shifting, and superior gas lighting and projection skills, were responsible for getting me diagnosed with one and then were constantly trying to convince me that I had it . And you were good too because you actually had me  buying into it for a little while until I started realizing that half the things I read didn't apply to me and then realized some of the issues I was owning in the beginning were not even my issues. Ironic how ALL of your exes were 'crazy' and/or did you so wrong and how me AND your ex wife had the same thing yet were nothing at all alike, according to you.  I now understand the reality of our relationship and all the whys, and how's and I know that I was never deserving of any of the treatment that I got... I've been nothing more to you than another woman on your 'supply' list for the past couple years. I can accept that reality because I know it wasn't personal. Our relationship went through the phases that any woman's relationship with you would. My sincere heart and compassionate nature are why it went on way too long. I'm guilty of nothing more than actually being trusting, sincere, and REAL from the very beginning. Trust issues were yours... .my issue was that I actually trusted too easily and that went out the window legitimately during my attempt to, not snoop through your phone, but to do nothing more than answer a text one morning from X while you were in the shower. And I now understand that a lot of my behavior after that morning, although not excusable, when I did do things like checking your phone, was out of my desperation to try to figure out why you seemingly changed personalities overnight... .which I now understand was just out of boredom... It wasn't about me or my issues... it was about the reality of what was transpiring and your 'crazy making' behavior. I had never been that person before you and now understand why I became that person with you. I thank God for my therapy and being able to confront my abusive past and my ACTUAL issues and that I am finally able to ACCEPT the reality of who you are, which I knew but fought accepting for over a year. Your last hit and run a couple months ago made it stick. If I had never met you then I would not be where I am today so I thank you. And even though I've heard numerous times that its not true... .I choose to believe that ANYBODY can change if they desire to... and that does include you... .but that does take accountability as well.  I truly wish you and your new partner nothing but the best."


The "hit and run" refers to a week in June I was drug back in by her to "help" with her 18 yr old daughter who had left home to stay with her 22 yr old bf.  It brought me back in the FOG a bit and I wasn't strong enough to resist seduction.  We slept together which we both acknowledged beforehand was not the healthiest of choices, but both willingly participated knowing that was what it was. (really poor boundaries on my part... .thus my fault as I knew better)  Anyway, I really have no clue what the rest of it is, or is even referring to... .other than major projection and distorted reality.  The only reality being I am seeing someone new now, which has triggered crazy.  She has been diagnosed... .and his diagnosis hasn't changed... .
Note, she has only been to 3-4 therapy sessions in the last 3+years.

I shared this because it shook me for a minute, and I felt the slightest hint of FOG... .was I crazy?   Took about 10 minutes, I'm good now.  

[Mutt]

Hi drained1996,

Our relationship went through the phases that any woman's relationship with you would.

I think she's compartmentalizing. I also think that in her way she's giving you closure. Not many members get closure from their pwBPD.

[drained1996]

I'm thinking more like she's projecting with that statement, the way I see it, it should read:

"Our relationship went through the phases that any man's relationship would with me." 

I've had hundreds of "closure" emails and texts over the years... .she just won't stop.  I'm good though, I found my own closure. 
I hope you are correct, I hope that was her "closure" communication... .history has me doubting that... .

[Mutt]

Hi drained1996,

I've had hundreds of "closure" emails and texts over the years... .she just won't stop.

Did you respond back over the years?

[drained1996]

I did, but not since late last year.  We've been NC save the incident where I got pulled back in to help with the daughter in June.  Hindsight mistake, but I couldn't bear the thought of not helping the daughter.  Now I know I cannot, unless she (the daughter) is the one who asks for help, and that mother will no way be involved or communicated with. 

[Mutt]

I started to see someone about 2 months ago... .and well, facebook hit the fan.

Do you think that it could jealousy because you started seeing someone?

[joeramabeme]

I shared this because it shook me for a minute, and I felt the slightest hint of FOG... .was I crazy?   Took about 10 minutes, I'm good now.  

WOW!  I would think it would shake any non that read it from their ex.  WOW! 

Man, I read a lot of projection in here.  It is almost as if she got the eggshells book and went through it and said this is all about drained1996 and I am free and clear. 

What precipitated such a letter after a year of NC?  Was it the FB update?  If so, I would say that it hit a nerve with her and that the response implies a lot of different things.

I would imagine you have continued to think through all this?

[Rayban]

It seems like she is realizing that the attachment is cut and on the verge of being severed.  It scares her that you know so much about her, and in her head she must make a preemptive strike.  She feels that everyone thinks like her, and she thinks you'll go around exposing her to other people.  Be very careful, because it seems like she has made you a vilan.  She might attempt a smear campaign.

[hope2727]

HI

i couldn't help but comment that that letter reads pretty much exactly like one I have envisioned sending to my ex. Seriously. So I go with the projection vote. Barf. Just switch the pronouns so overtime it says yo it reads I an v/v in the rewrite and read it back to yourself. Seriously. I think you will see a different picture.

[drained1996]

":)o you think that it could jealousy because you started seeing someone?"

Yes Mutt, that was definitely her trigger.

"It is almost as if she got the eggshells book and went through it and said this is all about drained1996 and I am free and clear."

Yes to this Joe, she is very intelligent however distorted her reality, so she has used what she has learned about BPD/NPD and has projected me as an NPD smearing me on facebook with numerous posts.  It's very sad, as most everyone can see she is ill now.  Most reactions I have gotten were... ."damn, she's crazy"... .even from women.  All this precipitated with her finding out I'm dating someone.  Yes, I'm certainly thinking through all of this!

Hope2727, it is mostly projection as none of that fits me at all.  I was/am far from perfect... .but I'd vote that I'm a pretty good person at heart.  Kind of scary how self loathing they are, and that their reality can be so distorted and put a you where an I should be!  It really is sad... .she wrote about herself and projected it onto me, because she cannot deal with how bad she feels... .no way she can be responsible for losing the best man she will ever have in her or her kids lives... .it MUST be my fault in her mind 
 

[joeramabeme]

Yes to this Joe, she is very intelligent however distorted her reality, so she has used what she has learned about BPD/NPD and has projected me as an NPD smearing me on facebook with numerous posts. 

Wanted to spotlight this part of your reply as I used to frequently think on many occasions that I could show her the literature and this would precipitate an ah-hah! moment for her and then we would be happy every after.

The truth is that BPD is emotional in its nature, adding an intellectual layer on top of that only becomes integrated into the emotional piece with the identical outcome.

Let us know what you come up with as you continue to sift through what her email means to you.

JRB

[drained1996]

"Let us know what you come up with as you continue to sift through what her email means to you."

Joe, I knew after 10 minutes what this email meant to me... .nothing other than more concrete evidence of a severe mental illness.  Not that I needed anymore... .It's been 2 years since I've been crystal clear that we were forever done.  Not that I didn't care, but that I could not, and would not put up with dealing with the illness.  Over that 2 year period, she has convinced herself numerous times I've not been clear on that subject, only to have it reiterated time and time again... .to get the same outcome.  She is mentally ill, and I've Radically Accepted that fact.  There are no more reiterations or giving to her to be had from me.  I've tried to be nice, helpful with the kids, and kind to her tormented soul.  I haven't given since those few days in June (and none the 7 months prior), and I never will again. 

[drained1996]

"The truth is that BPD is emotional in its nature, adding an intellectual layer on top of that only becomes integrated into the emotional piece with the identical outcome."

Joe, I thought this comment deserved some conversation as well.  It's so true, that the emotional and intellectual parts of a BPD become integrated into the emotional piece.  I actually see that particular outcome as more severe... .mine knows she was diagnosed, and even admitted to suffering from the illness.  Her intelligence is remarkably high, and she was making good progress in therapy for 1.5 years, but inevitably her emotional side engulfed her intellectual side and there was no separation of the two. She no longer saw her emotional side as damaged, thus she enmeshed her intellect with her emotions and came to the conclusion everything from that point on was my fault.  She became even more manipulative and more BPD like as she stopped therapy and claimed to be healed.  Now armed with some key phrases and a good knowledge of BPD/NPD her projection powers are magnified by 100.  I feel for the next guy, for her powers of holding up her façade will more than likely be even greater with the knowledge she has gained.  Whenever it comes tumbling down there will probably be a reading on the richter scale.  But that's no longer my problem... .

[joeramabeme]

Not that I didn't care, but that I could not, and would not put up with dealing with the illness. 

Good postings... .

I highlighted this part because it is one I often forget; its not that I don't care about her, I do, very much so.  But I simply could not do it any longer because it was exacting a toll that was too great for me to sustain - even as I wished I could.

Thanks Drained

[drained1996]

Not that I didn't care, but that I could not, and would not put up with dealing with the illness.

"I highlighted this part because it is one I often forget; its not that I don't care about her, I do, very much so.  But I simply could not do it any longer because it was exacting a toll that was too great for me to sustain - even as I wished I could."

Yes Joe, for me that was the end, the toll was too much for me... .I could not fight the illness nor could I fix it.  Radical Acceptance that she was the illness, and the illness was her basically set me on my path.  That, and radically beating my head against a brick wall for so long... .  It's sad, the longer I loved and cared, the worse it got... .I became toxic too.