Fell in love with a succubus

[backfromhell]

Really could use some input on this ) =

[fromheeltoheal]

Can't stop thinking about her and my replacement. She can't be as happy as she said she was during our last conversation. If she were so happy she wouldn't have contacted me and rubbed it in my face, right? This has to be her attacking me and it f-ing worked.

What you're doing is ruminating BFH, thinking about the situation over and over in your head, totally normal at this stage, as you grieve the loss of the relationship and make sense of the world again.  How are you feeling about it right now?

[backfromhell]

Idk exactly, my emotions are running wild. I'm conflicted for sure, . Part of me wants her back, wants her to see what I've accomplished since our separation. The more realistic side of me knows I deserve better. I think about all the stuff I boxed up in the attic, how it once meant so much. There's pretty irreplaceable things in that box. Letters and cards that she got from her family. I think how, how could she just discard such irreplaceable things? I'm still doing a lot of analyzing, I know. I can't help it!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm conflicted for sure, . Part of me wants her back, wants her to see what I've accomplished since our separation. The more realistic side of me knows I deserve better.

I'm still doing a lot of analyzing, I know. I can't help it!

And you're doing it because you're conflicted.  Humans do that, when we're confused we try and "figure it out", solve the problem, make sense of the world again.  And you will make sense of things again, it takes what it takes, and the best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, eat right, sleep enough, hydrate, get a little exercise, spend time with supportive people.  Are you doing those things BFH?

[backfromhell]

Trying to... .I only have a couple supportive people other than parents. I drink a lot of water, exercise off and on, eating not too bad could be better. I was really adamant about these things after the initial break up. I won't lie, I could be taking better care of myself.

[JerryRG]

backfromhell, did your ex lie to you?

Mine couldn't tell the truth, the logical thing to do, in my opinion is to not believe her at all. My exgf said she's so happy and in love with the new guy, nope, she's tried to get involved in my life a few times and triangulates her bf with me. She hasn't changed one bit except maybe worse,  at least I'm honest with her, her bf thinks she's cured, healed by god.

He's just as delusional as she is. He's just another codependent rescuer like I was, I got away and seen the truth.

Why believe them now?

[fromheeltoheal]

I won't lie, I could be taking better care of myself.

Well there you go then.  If you focus on taking care of yourself very well, you won't be focusing on her, one, and two, you'll get the benefits that show up of taking care of yourself very well: sleeping better, having more confidence, feeling more centered, being able to concentrate better, having more energy, all good yes?

[backfromhell]

she's tried to get involved in my life a few times and triangulates her bf with me

I've heard this term triangulate being used, what does this mean exactly?

@fromheel - Yes, indeed all good. Though, I just feel unmotivated ) =

[JerryRG]

My exgf said her bf was abusing her and begged me to help her, said all kinds of things about him. Then she probably runs back to him and tells him horrible things about me.

She craves attention and will do/say anything to get it

[backfromhell]

Yeah, you're right. I have no reason to believe her now. She just seems so truthful now, with changing her number and playing the block game, how her schedule challenges her, she's forgiven herself, and so on and so forth. Her words ring so loudly in my head.

[keepitmovin]

My exgf said her bf was abusing her and begged me to help her, said all kinds of things about him. Then she probably runs back to him and tells him horrible things about me.

She craves attention and will do/say anything to get it

My ex did the same... .tells me she's pregnant and engaged less than 2 weeks of breaking up, asks me to not contact her.  2 weeks later reaches out asking for help because she is being abused and misses me.  I ignored all her attempts.  A week later she's married to this guy she's been with maybe 1.5 months.  You can't make this up and so very relived that I'm free.

[backfromhell]

Finally mustered up enough courage to just block her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Finally mustered up enough courage to just block her.

Good for you BFH!  Do you see that as a step towards you taking care of yourself better?  How does it feel now?

[backfromhell]

Yeah, I guess so. I've always been available to her when she unblocks me, so it's time to change that. It hurts, a lot. Going from doing everything together to this, it really has done a number on my confidence. Though, I feel this might be a step in the right direction.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I guess so. I've always been available to her when she unblocks me, so it's time to change that. It hurts, a lot. Going from doing everything together to this, it really has done a number on my confidence. Though, I feel this might be a step in the right direction.

Yes, I understand, letting go of a relationship, and letting go of the hope that it could work, even when we know letting go is the right thing to do for us, is very painful.  Your confidence will return as you work though the stages of detachment though, the only way out is through, and it's helpful to also start thinking, just a little bit, of the bright future you'll create, it gives you something to aim for as you go through all the emotions.

[backfromhell]

I will not lie, half of me is doing it in hopes that she will reach out in the future. ) =

[fromheeltoheal]

I will not lie, half of me is doing it in hopes that she will reach out in the future. ) =

Yes, going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, letting go of hope entirely, is a big emotional leap.  You don't have to do much to let go though, you just let go, a necessary part of detachment, and if you're not there yet, you're not there, and that's OK.  Borderlines do hate to lose attachments though, it's the worst thing that can happen, so you can expect her to reach out at some point, and the question is what will you do then?  Contact attempts are actually great in that they allow us to get immediate feedback as to how our detachment is going.  Something to think about yes?

[backfromhell]

No idea what I will do then, hopefully I've met someone better by that point. Indeed, I have a lot to think about.

[Milka]

Backfromhell it all sounds so familiar... .

It's not easy to cut them off completely. The glimpses of hope always stay and in
my experience even though they are not worth anything and we know it, we still miss them and find it hard to imagine that we may never ever talk to them again. I've known my ex for just over 3 years. Our relationship lasted on and off about 2 years. We've been broken up for almost a year now and even though I cut him off he never ever disappeared. He already secured himself a replacement of me before our relationship ended, but everytime things would go wrong between them he would reach out to me. I was strong, had him blocked for the first few months but later he found his sneaky way to speak to me. I met him just to see if I could cope with it. I missed him too which is the most unexplainable part for me as he was a callous, evil boyfriend most of the time we were together! Meeting him helped as I realised I wasn't addicted to him anymore, I didn't love him anymore... But it didn't stop me from making a mistake. I started seeing him too often. Stupidly I was almost always available when he wanted me to! There was some progress, as I could say no to him sometimes, which I could never do when in a relationship with him. It's unreal how he could manipulate me then to be so crazy about him despite of all the horrible things he would do to me. Anyway, I stupidly became his friend and it all ended horribly wrong again. He used me and was lying, he ended up seeing me and telling me he loved me and wanted me back, and behind my back started seeing his most recent ex telling her exactly the same. Now neither of us speaks to him anymore, we decided to cut him off for good this time. These people are master manipulator and whatever you give them, they will want more and ultimately use you and hurt you. My ex has proven to be incapable of having a relationship and now I also know he can't even be a decent friend.

Give yourself all the time you need and work on detaching yourself. Even if you choose to ever talk to her again be sure your feelings are not there anymore so that whatever she does to hurt you again, you won't be hurting anymore. I'm not really hurting this time round. The disappointment is still there, I guess it's human nature to have some hope in people, even in the ones who are absolutely hopeless.

[backfromhell]

I guess it's human nature to have some hope in people, even in the ones who are absolutely hopeless.

Hit the nail on the head. This is why it hurts so much is because I truly believed she wanted someone who would stick by her. So that's what I tried to do.

[backfromhell]

Still can't stand the thought of her with someone else. Such a love/hate paradox

[Milka]

I've been there too. Hated him with passion when we broke up and felt relieved thinking he was someone else's problem not mine anymore, yet part of me felt jealous, I was dreading bumping into them in case they would look happy and loved up which then would probably had killed me. It was my subconsciousness creating the perfect image of us without his BPD. I always remembered the moments when he was my perfect man and I wanted to hold on to them fantasizing about what we could have had if... .But then I would always pinch myself to remember that there was no if, that he was still the same troubled person. They didn't last, of course, and now if I see him with someone else I won't feel jealous, just sorry for the new victim. I need to completely block the idealistic thoughts of what we could have had and then I will be alright. I think you need to remember the same.

[C.Stein]

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