Hi enaid,
I'd like to join Vitamin C and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. The push / pull behavior from a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non-disordered partner. It helps to talk to people that share similar experiences, you're not alone.
Do you have kids together? How's your support network? Do you have a non judgemental friend or family member in real life that you can confide in? What do you for self care?
Hang in there,
----Mutt