struggling

[Magdalena]

My partner and I have been together for eight and half years. I myself have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life due to childhood trauma. I have gone through years of therapy and worked hard on myself and generally feel better within myself than I ever have. I still suffer badly from anxiety at stressful times and this affects my sleep terribly. I was aware that my partner had some problems when we met but did not become fully aware to what extent until we began living together. Over the years we have lived together on and off as I really couldn't cope with how things were, I also have a son who was only young when we met and felt I needed my energy and strength for him as well as my own recovery. I broke the relationship off two years ago. I realised when we were apart that he is the person I want to live my life with and when we got back together a couple of months later I committed myself in my heart to our relationship. Since then we have lived together permanently. My partner is a wonderful support to me, he is loving, encouraging and I know he loves me dearly. He has been reluctant all these years to seek help professionally but after a suicide attempt at the end of 2014 while under the influence of alcohol and a few other alcohol related incidents he stopped drinking and eventually tried to get help. He had been on antidepressants on and off for years but was never diagnosed with anything other than depression. He has now been diagnosed with BPD and anxious avoidance disorder. He initially took the meds prescribed but felt numb and like a zombie on them so he withdrew from them after about 4 months. I have developed better coping skills over the years for when he is in a bad way and even on the worst days we can still make each other smile. Recently though the situation at home has really declined. As my partner is unable to work, just now he is rarely able to leave the house and even then only with me, I work full time to support our family. Until recently he was in receipt of sickness benefit but a chain of events involving my son leaving school and going into advanced education flagged up that he shouldn't have been getting this benefit because of the number of hours I work. This all coincided with me losing child benefit and tax credits because my son left school so our financial state took a massive blow. My partner was unable to attend a medical for sickness benefit because he wasn't granted a home visit so we would have lost that money anyway. The affect on his mental health has been awful. I myself am extremely anxious and due to the amount of stress I'm under we have ended up arguing more often where previously I have been able to detach myself from the situation emotionally and walk away, giving him time to calm down. I'm finding I don't want to come home from work because the atmosphere is so oppressive and miserable and I never know what I coming home to. I do talk to my mum about how things are but feel guilty if I tell her too much, particularly if it is about the sometimes verbal abuse I get and nasty things that are said. I feel really weighed down by my partners negativity and just don't have the strength to fight it off right now. It was my mum who suggested that I needed support, she feels out of her depth and says she can only listen and let me offload but can't offer any real advice or guidance. So here I am. Thanks for taking the time to read this. L

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome. There are many people here in a similar situation.

Living with a BPD is draining. It also sounds like you have your own demons to deal with. Are you still in therapy?

You need to take care of yourself FIRST before you can help him. How do you relax? Do you have regular fun things you do with friends? Exercise?

[Mutt]

Hi Magdalena,



I can relate with anxiety and depression. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I think that it was a wise idea from your mom to ask you to seek help with people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

BPD traits are triggered during stressful periods and I'd like to echo   ArleighBurke about self care, are getting enough sleep, how's your appetite and do you exercise? I can also relate with dreadful feeling when work is over and it's home time and you're walking on eggshells when you arrive home, it can feel like a hopeless situation, are you worried that it may trigger depression in you?

Communication with a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) can help smooth things in a relationship. A pwBPD feel more negative feelings than positive feelings, feelings are two thousand fold, self-loath, and feel  a lot of shame, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder and central feature of the disorder is emotions. A pwBPD believe that was they feel is fact whereas, for you and I feelings are followed by facts, we can't sooth our partners when they're dysregulated but what we do have control over is communication, we can address what the person feels and package our truth at the end. I'll leave you with a crucial communication tool that you can learn for a pwBPD and everyday life. My r/s with my ex wife is over, so I mostly use BIFF, but sometimes I use S.E.T to communicate with my ex wife and with HSP ( highly sensitive people )

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Magdalena]

Asheigh and Mutt, thank you both for your replies. I do try to take care of myself but when things are really bad that slips and I withdraw from friends. I work hard not to let myself slip into depression, I am naturally a very positive person but I think I sometimes mistake my ability to distract myself with work etc as evidence that I'm not depressed, to be honest I just don't know. I have been drinking a bit more than I usually do, in fact I don't drink much any more unless I'm out with friends which isn't often, so that does cause me some concern and I have put a little weight on as a result. I have also been comfort eating which is unusual for me as my appetite tends to go when I'm anxious. I have a fairly active job outdoors and walk our dog so I usually don't  need structured exercise. I bought my partner a treadmill recently, at his suggestion, so that even if he's not going out much at least he could exercise at home. Thinking now I need to get on it myself! I'm really going to try hard to quit drinking at home and now that I recognise how much I've been using food emotionally I'll try to be more aware. I will have a look at the communication tool you've left Mutt. I know communication is key and I have learned a lot of my partners triggers over the years and how to judge the best times to bring something up, I don't always get it right! As you say stress only worsens things for a pwBPD and this has been and still is a particularly stressful time for us both and my ability to detach and not engage has been affected. I am trying to get back to that now and have had a good few opportunities to practice this in the last few days. I'm trying to learn and understand as much as I can about the condition to support my partner in the best way I can and to make life more bearable for us both. Doing so has really caused my heart to ache for him, I can't even begin to imagine what he goes through every day but it also makes it easier to distinguish the person from the illnes. Ashleigh I finished therapy at the end of 2012. It was such a transformative experience for me and did really help, I think the truth is though that I will always be susceptible to mental health issues when under stress, particularly anxiety, although I do consider myself an extremely strong person. Thank you both again. M

[Mutt]

I know communication is key and I have learned a lot of my partners triggers over the years and how to judge the best times to bring something up, I don't always get it right!

It sounds like you're plugged-in, we don't always get it right and sometimes the tools don't work, all we can do is try. You're doing the right thing with learning as much as you can about the disorder, you can depersonalize the behaviors - it's not personal to us, it's what your partner feels or is overwhelmed with feelings in that moment.

I just wanted to say that I have a sedentary job but I walk often and I lift weights and do cardio to break a sweat, working out has many benefits, one benefit is that it helps with anxiety and depression and boosts your mood, working out helps me with de-stressing staying ahead of anxiety anddepression. I hope that helps.

According to some studies, regular exercise works as well as medication for some people to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the effects can be long lasting. One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may significantly reduce them over time.

https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/managing-anxiety/exercise-stress-and-anxiety

[Magdalena]

It's a hard one to get your head around isn't it - that it isn't personal to us, especially when it's your significant other but I am slowly coming to grips with it. I guess I've always known but let my own emotions get in the way sometimes. I already feel more positive just by the little communication on here - I don't feel so isolated and have been giving a lot more thought to how important it is that I take proper of myself,  I need to be strong and well to cope and to be there for him. Thanks Mutt - I'm definitely getting on that treadmill! M