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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Meet with my attorney this morning  (Read 387 times)
JerryRG
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: October 18, 2016, 06:45:01 AM »

Son's mother is still away

No communication from her, her family believe she's hiding from them as well.

She's shown no interest in our son or his well being

I still get angry about her lack of responsibility and carelessness of her behaviours.

Then explaining that she's better? Isn't taking care of a child more important than just doing whatever you want?

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Skip
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2016, 12:03:34 PM »

How did the conversation go with the attorney. Now is the time to get control of this thing.

JerryRG, she is who she is - not who you want her to be. Accept that. Radical acceptance.

Now build a home life based on that. She will be back and want in. She may then disappear again.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2016, 03:36:28 PM »

Hey Skip

Sorry I took so long to reply, my little one refused to nap until now, he gave me a haircut a moment ago, thought he was just playing with my hair while I was in my recliner and he found his scissors so I'm missing some hair.
My attorney said he wants to wait a little while longer, the more I care for my son full time the stronger my case will be once we get to court.

He says he's very confident in my case right now and that I am doing everything right. He's going to get some documents at the court house that show specifics about our shared parenting rights.

Still haven't heard a word from son's mother.

Talked to her pastor today, he knows she's heading for bottom, just don't know when she will get there with people enabling her.
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2016, 04:58:20 PM »

Hi Jerry,

Excerpt
JerryRG, she is who she is - not who you want her to be. Accept that. Radical acceptance.

Skip said something really important that allows us to get unstuck and to move forward by accepting our exe's for who they are with their limitations. Radical acceptance is a process, it takes time, it's different for everyone, we can't tell you how to get there, it's a goal that you can create for yourself.

Excerpt
Talked to her pastor today, he knows she's heading for bottom, just don't know when she will get there with people enabling her.

Are you hoping that she's going to get help? I know this is hard.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JerryRG
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2016, 05:40:33 PM »

Yes Mutt

We all want her to get well, just got off the phone with our sons aunt, she was talking to another of my exgfs family and how upset everyone is getting and the hope she will get the help she needs. Everyone knows how desperate my exgf is doing except her and her bf. They are both living a pshychotic delusion. Her bf thinks she's improving? She's getting worse all the time and now has cut communication with her whole family and our son.

My lawyer just shakes his head in disbelief when I tell him how the ex behaves. For someone who isn't familiar with extreme mental illness and high dysfunction, I'm sure she looks even worse.

The point that bothers me most is when her family believe our son is safe around her. She's not in reality.

Her pastor said he's never seen her normal, either outrageously high or severely depressed. Rollar coaster I remember all too well.

Radical acceptance is the way to go, I really have no control over her and it's when I believe I must do something to change the circumstances I get angry and resentful. I want to focus on our son and my recovery, those are areas I have control.
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Mutt
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« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2016, 07:06:42 PM »

Excerpt
The point that bothers me most is when her family believe our son is safe around her. She's not in reality.

I signed up for a divorcee forum before arriving here and I was angry, frustrated and emotionally distressed. I was really angry about the affair and a member on that other forum suggested that I tell everyone about the n, it was the morals and values that didn't sit right with me. So, I sent everyone in her family and her friends an email about her affair.

I got zero responses.  I think that they see another side of my ex wife than I did. Family are usually loyal and they live you unconditionally and friends may experience splitting with the hit and cold behavior but the crazy making behaviors is usually behind closed doors. I'm not saying that parents don't see the crazy making behaviors too but fundamentaly it is unconditional love.

It wasn't fair that she left the way that she did but she us an adult and make ger own choices. I didn't see it at that time but later on it was really a blessing in disguise because i discovered my personality and life is better after the split. That being said.

I'm not a lawyer and I can't offer you legal advise and follow the advise of your lawyer and fo what you see that suits your situation legally. My point is that you can't control the mother as upsetting as some of the behaviors are. I had to let go of that control and accept her for who she is, I have a lot of years ahead of me with co-parenting and lived my life walking on eggshells while we lived together and I wanted to minimize the emotional distress as much as possible so that it affected my mental health less and the attention that I gave to her could be turned on me with self care. I wanted to get as healthy and strong as possible so that I can navigate the kids through their own experiences with a mother that suffers from BPD. I had to let her go because she wasn't in a space where she was going to help herself that day may come or may not come, I have to accept that.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JerryRG
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2016, 12:06:14 AM »

Thank you Mutt

Her pastor believes she will come after me again, try a recycle. After all this? I am not yet able to let my guard down enough, my bounderies are steel walls, I will never allow her into my life again, in any fashion.

Maybe my anger comes from the fear I have of her, maybe I'm giving her way too much power.

She's a train wreck by any standard, unable to perform the simplist of life's tasks. What does she have left? Pity for made up illnesses that no one believes any longer?

Her own family has no respect for her, haven't for many years. She just keeps burning bridges and then wonders why her life is tragic.

For this I do pity her, but pity is useless
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