Saw my ex wifes personal ad

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

And i am so F'in confused.  It reads like someone I would want to meet and it raises all my insecurities about what I did wrong and whether I am the one with the problem.  It all feels just like I did when married - deeply confused, sad and feeling broken at the core.

This is an excerpt from the ad:
I am interested in a long term relationship filled with love, fun, support, smiles and hugs. I like a man who enjoys being a gentleman, can share feelings and loves affection, closeness and romance with a little goofiness thrown in. Attributes like truth, openness and sincerity are what I value and also believe in the power of love and forgiveness.

We were married 11 years, friends and lovers for 15 years in all.  She moved out July '15 and we divorced Dec. '15.  She didn't leave me for another man, she just left me - told me she wasn't happy.  It must have been really bad for her.

I would like to think that I am some of, if not all of, what she claims to be looking for but apparently I am none of it. 

She lives 10 minutes from me; each of us in our own homes, not attached to another, we never talk and apparently she has no memories of our past or none she cares to share with me. 

It is all so weird; beyond my ability to accept and digest.  All i can do is scratch my head and keep replaying the tape - was I that bad - was I a total jerk - what T.F. happened?

I am feeling so deeply broken at the core.  This is going to break my spirit. I bet she would enjoy knowing that.

She continues on to say: I value and also believe in the power of love and forgiveness

My understanding of that would be that, even if she were unhappily married we could have some sort of communication that kept the continuity of 15 years together.  Again, it must have been so bad for her. 

I feel like a broken soul that has worked so hard to reach out of the bottom of despair only to meet with an ugly reality.  She doesn't sound like a split personality but that is the only thing I have to hold onto that makes the pieces fit together.

[joeramabeme]

And i am so F'in confused.  It reads like someone I would want to meet and it raises all my insecurities about what I did wrong and whether I am the one with the problem.  It all feels just like I did when married - deeply confused, sad and feeling broken at the core.

This is an excerpt from the ad:
I am interested in a long term relationship filled with love, fun, support, smiles and hugs. I like a man who enjoys being a gentleman, can share feelings and loves affection, closeness and romance with a little goofiness thrown in. Attributes like truth, openness and sincerity are what I value and also believe in the power of love and forgiveness.

We were married 11 years, friends and lovers for 15 years in all.  She moved out July '15 and we divorced Dec. '15.  She didn't leave me for another man, she just left me - told me she wasn't happy.  It must have been really bad for her.

I would like to think that I am some of, if not all of, what she claims to be looking for but apparently I am none of it. 

She lives 10 minutes from me; each of us in our own homes, not attached to another, we never talk and apparently she has no memories of our past or none she cares to share with me. 

It is all so weird; beyond my ability to accept and digest.  All i can do is scratch my head and keep replaying the tape - was I that bad - was I a total jerk - what T.F. happened?

I am feeling so deeply broken at the core.  This is going to break my spirit. I bet she would enjoy knowing that.

She continues on to say: I value and also believe in the power of love and forgiveness

My understanding of that would be that, even if she were unhappily married we could have some sort of communication that kept the continuity of 15 years together.  Again, it must have been so bad for her. 

I feel like a broken soul that has worked so hard to reach out of the bottom of despair only to meet with an ugly reality.  She doesn't sound like a split personality but that is the only thing I have to hold onto that makes the pieces fit together.

[icky]

. crikey! how did you know it was her personal ad? did she place it so you would see it? if you feel up to it, do you want to share the rest of her ad? it might be good, to get it all out of your system. her ad does sound incredibly nice btw - i think HEAPS of people would respond positively to that text and would want to meet her. to me, this suggests that she knows exactly how to mirror people's wishes/ desires/ yearning . don't let it break your spirit. i know this BPD stuff goes to your very core, but you can and i'm sure will recover from this. and you will be a STRONGER person for having processed it and recovered and grown. what matters is not what happens to you - it's what you do with what happens to you. use the resources here and the many supportive people to turn this into something GOOD - you can become wiser, stronger, calmer, more connected to good people as a result of this messy and painful journey

[bestintentions]

JRB -

Words are words only.  You lived her reality.  Anyone that would enjoy you reveling in broken spirit isn't worth your time, IMO.

Keep your chin up... .you've helped so many here.

bi

[shatra]

She may be splitting herself white, all good and writing the "script" of a plit white new partner----don't go by what she wrote, go by what she really is like... .did she give you a reason explaining the breakup?

[Mutt]

Hi joe,

we never talk and apparently she has no memories of our past or none she cares to share with me.

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. She probably doesn't want to talk about it because it's difficult for her to talk about it - it's too emotional for her. A r/s takes two people, thousands of transactions between two people, your ex has her share, even if she's avoiding her feelings - don't put all of it on your back.

[Grey Kitty]

And i am so F'in confused.  It reads like someone I would want to meet

This shows you that she hasn't changed much. I'll bet when you met her she said things like that, and presented herself well.

Later, you discovered that she couldn't follow through into a good marriage, at least not for long (enough).

She's still presenting the same enticing appearance she did before, so it still grabs at you. 99% chance she still will make a mess of any relationship she gets into, probably as bad as your marriage or worse.

... .and if she really was capable of making things work with you, if she wanted to try, she would come to you with vulnerability and an apology for her side of what went wrong in your marriage. Don't think there's much chance of that!

[DazedandConfus3d]

One of the most revealing things my ex ever said to me was:

'I like to carefully craft all my messages.'

Like a lot of things she said or did, I only really came to understand this after the fact.

I came to realize that everything about her was 'carefully crafted' to achieve what she wanted- what she said, what she wore, what she wrote, how she presented herself in person and on social media. 

So I think you should understand that personal ad as a 'carefully crafted' artifact, intended to attract exactly the kind of person that is going to fall for someone who lives with BPD. 

It doesn't represent the truth any more than the million lies she certainly told you during your relationship.  It has nothing to do with you except that she's looking for someone LIKE you in the sense that they're someone that will try to work out the issues she creates instead of dropping her like a hot rock.

[Larmoyant]

Reading something like that would undoubtedly knock me back off my feet as well. I regard my ex as a split personality too in the sense that he seems to have many 'faces' or schema modes. It helps me fit the pieces together also.

This is one of her personas so she can attract the next poor soul. She is putting her best foot forward, but remember all the other faces that come with this. This is what the next person is in for and when they are going through the thick of it you'll be far, far away and enjoying life again.

This is a set back and it hurts, but hang on Joe. Whenever I imagine my ex with someone else I remember his angry/raging persona and yes, he can be charming, but rage isn't ever very far away and it won't be with the next person. You cannot hide who you are for long.   

[DazedandConfus3d]

She is putting her best foot forward, but remember all the other faces that come with this. This is what the next person is in for and when they are going through the thick of it you'll be far, far away and enjoying life again.

I think we all get torn apart by thinking of our ex with their inevitable next SO, but I think Larmoyant totally nails it here- when we think of that, we think of the good times we had with that person and that they're now having that with someone else.  The truth is, as L pointed out, is that that new person will be caught in exactly the same cycle we were. as will our ex.  Neither will be happy.

The way for us to be happy is to detach, heal, learn from what happened and build our lives back into something that is positive for us, and share that life with people who are capable of giving back to us.

[icky]

. just as an idea for exorcising emotional baggage... if you like, we could all help you write a "counter-ad". not one to actually be published, but the kind of ad that you could publish, to warn off all them poor souls who are currently reading her ad thinking it sounds amazing. maybe something like a health-warning/ consumer advice hazard notice. she's done the ad for why cigarettes are "faaaaantastic". maybe it would be good to put into words the "it will cause lung cancer, it hurts your children, you may lose a leg due to clogged arteries, it's addictive, it is expensive, it's groce, you smell and taste like an ashtray". (sorry to all the smokers!)   : ). you know what i mean tho... she's written a convincing add for a terrible product. feel free to publish the consumer health warning here in this space, to set the record straight. and imagine what it would be like to actually publish it alongside her ad . : )

[joeramabeme]

Thank you everyone for the support - it is really helpful in clarifying my thoughts and feelings.

After all this, I have had two aha moments.

First, I know her ad to be an accurate, but incomplete, description of who she really is.  I miss those accurate things about her!  Very much so.

Embarrassed as I am to say this; she was like the Mother figure I never had; warm, kind, nurturing, loving and even coddling.  When we met, she was, in some ways, far more developed than I.  I literally began to thrive with her guidance and nurturing.

But, the more I thrived and began to be the person I could become, the more threatened she seemed to be by it all and her traits kept increasing - even while her loving and nurturing sides continued.  I grew to a place within myself that I was able to stand up for me.  I could no longer stand being berated, belittled or treated with such great disrespect, even while continuing to become more whole with her love and assistance.

What a confounding mix of feelings I had; cherishing my ex for bringing so much to me (not even my parents did these things for me) and also wanting/needing to be away from that same person for simultaneously treating me in the opposing way.  Today seemed to be the first day I had this much clarity about my own understanding of how great and deep a conflict was going on inside of me.  

Two; In her fits of anger and even when we were divorcing she used to say to me; "I always do what I say I am going to do - unlike you".  The second part of my aha moment is that I have decided I can no longer do intellectual battle with understanding my ex's BPD traits and instead I am going to give in to my intuition - which is still finding words - but makes this all much easier to digest.

As such, I am responding back to her voice with my own; "And you always do a lot more than you admit to doing - unlike me - who took all the responsibility for your sh!tty behaviors".

Wow, can't believe I am still processing this marriage with this much additional understanding.

Best wishes to us all.
J