Rage episodes and jealousy of stepdaughter have ended our marriage

[sunsetsam]

Hi everyone - I met my wife 3.5 years ago, right at the end of my 1st marriage (which lasted 15 years and resulted in a daughter who has Aspergers). At that time, my daughter was 5 and my wife (then g/f) had not yet been diagnosed with BPD, but did have PTSD due to being raped continually as a child by her grandpa. Our relationship was very intense, and she moved from the east cost to the midwest just to be with me (as I did not want to move away from my daughter). My wife would have intense highs, where she would be insatiable one week, and then intense lows the next week where she would spew the most vicious, vile and emasculating words.  She continually challenged my parenting of my daughter (who would stay over 2x/week) and was jealous of any time I spent with her. At her worst, she would accuse me of hurting and/or molesting my daughter, the most disgusting thing I've ever had to defend against.

She started seeing a counselor with me who diagnosed her with BPD and, with help, the rage episodes subsided, though not the jealousy. I look back at how manipulated I was from the beginning. I was to never speak to my ex-wife, have any friendship with her or even have her as a FB friend.  The ex was also disallowed to even bring my daughter to the front door for her visits, instead having to be told (by me) that she must stay at the bottom of the stairs... .lest I get the wrath of you-know-who.  I went along with it... .I hadn't gone through a divorce before, and thought these boundaries may be necessary, if not a bit excessive, if only to appease my new love.  The boundaries were also placed on me with how I interact with my daughter, including that I introduce her to my daughter IMMEDIATELY (no wait period from the time I divorced my ex)... .you get the idea. Anything I said back was wrong. She knew what was best.

Things did get better and I carefully balanced the requirements being placed upon me. We married 9 months after meeting as we were madly in love, yet I knew there were strong negative emotions that my wife was capable of, all mostly due to jealousy of my daughter. I had to always ask permission to have my daughter over on a non-scheduled day. When my daughter was over, I had to make sure I made a point to pay just as much attention to my wife as to my daughter, lest my wife feel she was being slighted.  I could never talk to my wife about missing my daughter ... .or show her pictures of her as a baby... .it would incite an argument.

Keep in mind my daughter would be over just twice a week, and only for a couple hours at that.  I felt obligated to make her my primary focus when she was with me, but would be chastised for doing so. 

For the past two years, things were running smoothly for the most part.  I basically had two lives. One with my wife. One with my daughter. My wife preferred to have limited... .if no... .interaction with my daughter. She hated my views/ways of disciplining yet refused to get involved herself. She was the "expert" parent though never having parented herself, and felt that our marriage should, and must, always come first, above my duties as a parent. ("she already has her mom". So, on weekends I would have my daughter, I'd do things with her alone (go to zoo, museum, ice skating, etc.) while my wife stayed home. On the weeknights she stayed over, my wife would generally go to a different room while my daughter and I played or watched TV.

I wouldn't tell most of my friends or family any of this. My mom and sister knew, and were quick to tell me this is not what being a family is all about. I knew it, too, yet at the risk of losing my wife, I kept trying to be a "better dad" and do what she asked of me and didn't push the "family unit" I so dearly wanted onto her.

Then, back in May, the rage episodes returned.  They would start over nothing... .and I mean NOTHING. Say, crumbs on the table that didn't get picked up right away... .and then it turns into an argument with my wife screaming so loud that the window-break sensors on the house alarm system would go off. And the argument would always circle back to my daughter who had nothing to do with what we were talking about. And then circle to me... .what a bad dad I am, what a bad husband I am... .how I don't care about her feelings... .how she moved here to be with me and she hates her life in the midwest... .how she HATES my daughter... .

The episodes came every 3 - 5 weeks apart, and got worse and worse. And never without any warning.  I would try to diffuse or ignore, but it didn't help. One rage episode came when my daughter was upstairs, and my wife screamed that she hated her and that she (daughter) destroyed two marriages.  I made it clear... .if she ever said something like that in the house again, we would divorce.

I noticed that concurrently my wife more often wanted "alone" or "me" time for herself. She'd be home in the evenings and promptly on her laptop reading internet gossip... .all the way until 2, 3... .even 4 in the morning.  She'd get up the next morning and go to work, but on weekends she'd then sleep in through the early afternoon.  I'd do housework, yardwork, shopping... .all alone. It was wearing on me. And when I would try to chat about it, she'd rage that I was too "needy" and she needed her space. 4 out of 5 worknights I was engaged with hobbies with friends or my daughter, so that remark was way out of left field.

In the past year, I have traveled and gone to concerts by myself, with my wife preferring to just stay at home. Every night I go to bed around 10 or 11 alone. I went to my sister's wedding... .alone.  In the past two months, to avoid divorce, she agreed to see a counselor and was placed on Abilify and her BPD reaffirmed, but things have not improved. She lied about taking the meds the first week, continues to not want to do "family" things with my daughter,  and the rage episodes continue. A month ago when it was the anniversary of my dad's death, I was very emotional and looked for comfort... .she told me to "get over it" and "just move on".  Then just a couple of weeks ago she started talking to two exes on FB and, to me, that was the last straw.  I called her out on it and there was no empathy for my hurt feelings or apology.

It's hard to love someone so much and want to keep fighting, but be so hurt. I don't want to be alone; yet, my therapist tells me I basically already am. And that my daughter deserves better, incl. a happy dad. Yesterday, she said she wants a divorce.

[Mutt]

Hi sunsetsam,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I would feel frustrated and confused at the cause of the emotional dysregulations. I heard about your wife, how old is your D ( daughter ) How does she feel about her step mom? That has to be hard on her. Has your wife threatened with divorce in the past?

[sunsetsam]

Hi Mutt,

  My daughter was 5 when I met my wife, and she is now 8.  My daughter likes my wife and is happy when my wife decides she will spend some time with us... .but being as that is so infrequent, it's not really a "family" unit. By that, I mean that my daughter is happy just being with me and almost never asks where her stepmom is. She's so used to her stepmom not wanting to be around that it's become "out of sight, out of mind" for her.

  Having Asperger's, I'm not quite sure how my daughter will process the news of the divorce.  I believe it would have little impact, though.  That's the sad part of it... .this marriage was never about being a family to my wife.

  My wife had never threatened divorce, but I had started to back in June (when she raged about my daughter with my daughter in the house).  Then, with each following rage episode, my desire to keep the marriage together lessened and I was more inclined to suggest divorce.  After one particular rage, I researched the divorce rules and printed the papers, just in case.  After another, I presented her with the papers and told her to just sign them (I hadn't yet)... .she didn't, and I took that as a sign that she would try to get help and make things better.  Then another rage... .one of the worst ones yet... .and I grabbed the papers, signed them and had her sign them as well. 

She then the next day was very emotional, very apologetic and very much wanted to try and make everything work. At my therapist's advise, I provided a list of boundaries, which included no more raging, no more hatred/jealousy of my daughter, start going to therapy with a BPD specialist and start taking the Abilify her psychiatrist prescribed.  To hold her to it, I had her go with me to get the papers notarized and told her this was my way of knowing that she was serious about getting help... .because if she wasn't, I'd have no choice but to file. Two weeks later, she succeeded on just one point (therapy). And, as I said, another rage episode on Sunday night ended with her saying we should just file the papers and divorce.

I have been suffering crippling anxiety attacks from all of this since it started back in May, taking lorazepam constantly.  Crying in the evening and sometimes even while at work is a norm.  To be 40 and twice divorced with a child... .I guess I feel stigmatized and undateable and no relegated to being forever alone.  Never what I wanted.  And I am very scared and sad. I don't want to give up on her, but I know that the attacks won't stop and the family life I want will never be. My wife will never be a partner, and that's a very difficult realization to keep coming back to. :~(

[Mutt]

Hi sunsetam,

You didn't get married to get divorced. I'm familiar with lorazepam because I have depression and anxiety as well, that sounds like a lot of lorazepam, usually its used for short term because we can become dependent on it. Is your T familiar with CBT? ( cognitive behavioral therapy)

I didn't hear separation, maybe you have been seperated before and didn't mention it. Are you trying to incite her to change by telling her you want a divorce?

[sunsetsam]

Hi sunsetam,

You didn't get married to get divorced. I'm familiar with lorazepam because I have depression and anxiety as well, that sounds like a lot of lorazepam, usually its used for short term because we can become dependent on it. Is your T familiar with CBT? ( cognitive behavioral therapy)

I didn't hear separation, maybe you have been seperated before and didn't mention it. Are you trying to incite her to change by telling her you want a divorce?

I generally am never using my Lorazepam, but this whole chain of events has me leaning on it quite a bit. I suspect once the divorce is over, my anxiousness will subside.

We talked separation briefly, but then she got mad and said it would be divorce or nothing.

I never started the divorce talk to incite her to change; rather, it was my inability to cope with the recurring rage episodes, insults and overall lack of empathy to my feelings that drove me to it. 

My friends, my family... .even my therapist... .all say I am alone already and that my wife is not showing any interest or desire in owning up to her end of making the marriage work.  Just going to counseling and taking a pill is not enough, especially when the rage episodes continue, the jealousy of my daughter continues and there is no effort on her part to want to do things together (unless it is on "her time". 

Now I am getting guilt treatment texts from her, saying that "for better or worse" is just a sham, that I am breaking my vows and that I am basically a horrible person for doing this to her.  I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown... .I'm scared.

[Mutt]

I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown... .I'm scared.

You're not alone. I think that the challenge is understanding that your wife has limitations, read as much as you can about BPD to understand why she reacts the way that she does and learn to depersonalize the behaviors, what's going on internally for her is not personal but the behaviors are directed at you.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage

What a pwBPD fear most is abandonment, perceived or real, abandonment fears is a core criterion for BPD. A pwBPD have all or nothing thinking, I'm not surprised that she skipped over separation and said that she wanted a divorce, my guess is that she is testing you, a pwBPD expect that everyone that they come to know eventually abandons them. If it were me, I wouldn't want to trigger abandonment fears from discussions about divorce.

I understand how a pwBPD will trigger feelings of guilt or fear, it's called emotional blackmail, i think that it helps to identify it, as I said earlier become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, I also understand that if you're anxiety symptoms have flared up, it can be incredibly difficult to function. Just keep in mind that it can be a goal.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

If you're feeling worn down, what do you do for self care? If I may suggest, exerciser helps most people with anxiety and depression symptoms.

According to some studies, regular exercise works as well as medication for some people to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the effects can be long lasting. One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may significantly reduce them over time.

https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/managing-anxiety/exercise-stress-and-anxiety

What I love about the gym is that it is my time alone for me, I don't pick up calls or respond to texts, emails etc, I can spend up to a couple of hours in there and it's "me time".

[sunsetsam]

I was  hoping that with our mutual agreement that divorce is the best way forward, that things would get easier. Not so.

We've been trying to be amicable/friendly, but underneath lies her anger and rage that I am giving up on her. She countlessly tells me that I am breaking our vows, leaving her "in sickness" and "for worse" when I said I would stay by her side.  She's been going through some other issues concurrently, and expects me to drop the divorce and just say we'll give it more time.

This past weekend, a switch flipped on her in the course of 5 seconds.  A sorrowful "I don't know how you could do this to me" went to a rage-filled "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD DO THIS TO ME!".  Add in horrible insults, vulgarities and emasculating statements that went on for over an hour, inclusive of her taking glass objects in the house and throwing them against the wall.  I left at that point for about an hour and then came back, saying nothing.  She sheepishly came to me later that evening and asked if I wanted anything to eat (I said no) and then later brought me up some leftovers from some takeout she ordered.  We didn't talk again that night and she slept alone downstairs.

The next morning, she woke up late and I was already up, but very, very depressed and anxious. Shortly after she woke up I actually had to go out of the house for a previous commitment and she got upset I was leaving.   She called after me when I was getting into my car, asking when I was coming back because she wanted to talk to me.  She then texted me saying "I can't go on... .I can't" and I called her while I was en route to my destination.  She was in tears, PLEADING that she wouldn't raise her voice again, that we could make it work and that she loves me so much... .and how could I not love her anymore?  I deflected as best I could and just kept repeating that we just cannot live together anymore.  Well, that evening we really didn't talk much, either, though I did sit with her as she proceeded to look for jobs in the area she is planning on moving to.

Today, though, I get a barrage of texts... .
"I finally found a doctor and was getting help and you checked out. I'll never forgive you."
"What you're doing is far worse than anything I ever said or did; leaving you at your lowest point"
"I hope you realize one day the impact of this is much more permanent and far-reaching than the name-calling and anger... .I would never do this to you"
"Your selfishness is amazing"
"I'll never understand why you're doing this. No matter what you say."
"I'm not going to be okay. You should know."

And THIS... .THIS is what makes me weep constantly and feel that I should just pull back the divorce, give her one more chance, even though I know... .I KNOW... .she will rage again, just as she did only three days ago.

Please help me, folks... .I am in tears here... .

[once removed]

this is really hard. youd have to be inhuman not to be affected by such guilt inducing statements. i feel for you.

a barrage of texts, not respecting your space, and putting all of the blame on you is not really indicative of someone prepared to do their share of the work on this relationship. i know that doesnt speak to the despair you feel, but i hope that it speaks to your sense of resolve.

[Mutt]

"I finally found a doctor and was getting help and you checked out. I'll never forgive you."

The disorder is not your fault sunsetam, you didn't cause it, you can't be blamed for that.

[sunsetsam]

So, this has been a very, very difficult Thanksgiving weekend.  Perhaps this belongs in the "saving the relationship" forum? I dunno... .

 My pwBPD has been looking for a new place to live and a new job, both back out East (we live in Midwest).  But we have been crying like babies each day, about how much we each will miss each other. Of course, we are thinking of only the good times, but I am trying to keep firm and stand strong to the fact we need to live apart and finalize the divorce next week.
 
Still, as she is emotionally breaking down, she tells me that I am the only person she ever loved like this... .that she never wanted to be anything but my wife, still loves me and never wanted us to divorce, but is willing to go through with the divorce "for me" since I told her the emotional and verbal abuse, and the jealousy/resentment of my daughter, just has been too much for me to bear.

She owns up to the fact that this is all her fault, and she wishes she had known that her behavior, left untamed and uncounseled, would have led to this.  Of course, the threat of divorce has been lingering for months now... .but she never really thought I would go through with it.  Now that she sees I am serious, she is in full shutdown/remorse mode.

I know she loves me. I also know she has taken our relationship for granted (she admits that), has been reluctant in the past to get treatment and medication, and over the course of the past year has had several very severe life events occur (dad died, two close pets she's owned for 12 - 17 years died, money left to her by her dad was stolen by her aunt... .$60k!).  Still, the emotional and verbal abuse during that time has been very, very damaging to me. So much so, that I feel I have been close to a full nervous breakdown.

I want nothing more than a FAMILY. My stepdaughter, wife and I to work as a unit.  But my wife/pwBPD has issues with my stepdaughter (due to her own childhood abuse issues), is severely depressed and wants complete isolation much of the time.

But now... .this past weekend... .she has been packing her stuff and the house seems so empty though she's still here. Our discussions don't help. We think of the good times (though I am quick to keep the bad times close to the vest). She wishes she hadn't messed up her entire life, and is saying that this... .THIS... .is forcing her to get treatment when she moves back East. She's moving because of me. Divorcing because I asked her to. And getting treatment because she doesn't want to keep hurting herself and those around her.

Do I give her another chance? Her current therapist suggests Mentalization Behavior Therapy over the next 4 - 6 months, and her psychiatrist is having her start Abilify to hopefully suppress her rage.

I haven't buckled yet. I am holding firm. I have come this far. And she hasn't asked me to reconsider. But SHOULD I reconsider and allow another 6 months of treatment on a prayer that things will be normal? Or am I just deluding myself so that I suppress my fear of being alone and my fear of being sad for the near future?

[once removed]

its an incredibly personal decision sunsetsam, that none of us could or should make for you.

you should know however, there are tools at your disposal to help inform your decision making process. you might consider learning the tools and lessons on the Improving board. you might also weigh your decision, pros and cons, on the conflicted/deciding board.

i would also advise you to, as much as you can, keep your decision focused on you, and your happiness. there are no guarantees as to your wife, and there are no easy shortcuts. its an incredibly difficult situation and decision. weigh your options carefully.

[toomanyeggshells]

Wow sunsetsam, I really feel for you.  Its a bad situation and even worse that you're daughter is involved.  While reading your post, I felt like some of it was my life.  My uBPDbf has been jealous of my children (D30, D27) from my marriage from the first day of our r/s.  Never wanted them around, says nasty, vulgar things about them to me (I could go on and on but will spare you more details.)  He actually said to me once, "I hope they don't visit every year on Christmas".  Unbelievable because if his grown kids could be with us on Christmas every single year, he'd be thrilled.  Crazy double standards.  I'm so thankful that I didn't bring young kids into the r/s with him.  I just can't imagine how you've been torn between them.  I think its an almost impossible situation for you.  Sending you strength and good thoughts.

[sunsetsam]

Everyone, thank you so much for your help and support.  I am so blessed to have this resource to help me through all of this.

I had my session with my therapist yesterday, which helped me see that while there is always hope for a relationship to get better, there is definitely a risk/cost associated with it, especially if the track record on the pwBPD's part has been one of continual procrastination, complacency and the like.

Where we had an emotional weekend together (as discussed above), there wasn't much said last night. She seemed a bit angry.  Then today, this text: "Got lots of boxes at work, should be all packed up soon, then that'll be the end of that, so good for u"  Back to the anger... .

[sunsetsam]

Only a few days left, and then she moves back East. We spent the weekend boxing things and moving boxes and furniture to the garage so that everything is ready for the moving van.

I spent the weekend thinking "this is the last weekend we'll spend together" and found myself getting caught up in a memory of a happy time and just crying. Or stumbling on a paper note I had written her that was forgotten in a dresser drawer, telling her I'd love her forever and what she meant to me.

I catch her crying and I see the look in her face of "why are you abandoning me?" and there are no words I can say to comfort her.  I tell her I love her... .and I do... .and always will... .and to know right now that this is the "right thing to do" is something that becomes less and less clear as the day looms closer and closer. Bad memories seem to have faded and I have to remind myself of what brought us to this point.  Yet, the good memories are what force their way through to the forefront of my mind... .and there were many.

I'm not a very religious person... .yet, I find that now I can only pray that I am doing what is best for her, what is best for me, and what is best for my daughter.  My biggest fear of being alone is now coming true, and the person I thought was "the one" is leaving... .because I asked her to... .and I am devastated.

[once removed]

hey sunsetsam, any update? how are you doing?

[sunsetsam]

hey sunsetsam, any update? how are you doing?

I appreciate your asking.  Well, we started the move on Friday and, as expected, I was torn up inside and she was livid.  The last week or two we had remained intimate in the evenings... .from my side, it was knowing that she would be gone and I would miss her. We were even intimate Friday morning, but after we got up to start getting ready to load the truck, she started raging and next thing I was being called a rapist and every other foul name in the book that I had heard before from her... .sort of a validation for me that I was doing the right thing.  It was an hour of yelling and, yet, I still knew that I had no choice but to drive her moving van since she would just not be able to based on her stature and driving skills.

The Friday drive (two-day drive) was painfully quiet, with nothing but music to occupy our space.  That evening she and I slept in separate beds at the hotel... .and the next morning was an EVEN WORSE screamfest about how I am doing this to her, that I wanted the divorce, that I am divorcing my wife at Christmastime, that I am not a man at all, etc. etc. I was so upset that I told her I would not drive her the full rest of the way there, instead having a friend of hers (her ex, who she is rooming with) meet us at an airport about an hour from where she was moving to. I switched my flight reservation for that evening vs. Sunday evening.

So, as the miles ticked down on Saturday as we neared the airport, I was flooding in tears. She was 95% mad and 5% sad, and just said "what are YOU getting so emotional about? you're getting what you wanted!"

I told her I would miss her. That I still loved her and always would love her.  That I remember the great times we shared and regret we didn't do more or try harder. I'll miss my foodie/restaurant buddy and my travel companion. She would try to spin things into an argument but I think my tears prevented her from getting upset. When we got to the airport, I was inconsolable. I hugged her several times but she didn't really want to hug me back. I kissed her on the cheek, told her I would miss her (she said she would miss me) and that I love her (she said that she loved me).  I then watched as she drove away.

On the airplane I had the worst panic attack I have EVER experienced, and I had lost my bottle of lorazapam. Suicide thoughts kept running through my head. I hadn't felt this miserable since my dad himself committed suicide. I kept thinking of the empty house I had to look forward to, both literally and figuratively. That I would go home and nobody would be there... .nobody would know if I got home or cared if I had lived or died. It was awful.

I spent my Sunday at Target trying to find some decor to fill the house back up with some stuff, and my neighbor next door, who is moving, gave me some pictures, a table and a chair to help with my cause. Yesterday my daughter came over for the first time without a stepmom in the house and we put up the Christmas tree and decorations together... .and I feel a bit better knowing that each day I am starting to sort all this out and getting a better sense of myself and regaining my sanity and self-respect.

Throughout all of this, the lyrics from Trent Reznor's "Hurt"... .particularly from the second verse onward, and especially the Johnny Cash rendition... .resonated and played over and over in my head, and bring me to tears every time.  The words really address BPD and it's pain very well:

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

More powerful if you listen and read: https://youtu.be/8ffFaJSDv9g?t=50s

[sunsetsam]

Just three weeks later, and she has apparently found someone else... .and I am a bucket of tears, because I can't believe our relationship really meant so little. Rather than try and turn herself around and get help, she just jumps onto the next guy.

It's New Years Day, and I haven't cried this much since I got on the plane to go home. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's that she's decided to replace me. Maybe I just have my own psychological issues that need to be worked through. All I know is I hurt, and I can't stop crying. Despite how often and how deeply she hurt me, I can't stop crying.

[michel71]

Sunset your story is heart wrenching. I am so sorry that you have gone through this. It really sounded like you tried. You were between a rock and a hard place... .sanity and the welfare of your daughter vs staying with the woman you love while she gets help... .again... .if that works.

Since she so quickly went on to another, you made the right choice.

Your story resonated with me. My uBPDw has a daughter that may or may not have aspergers. She has some sort of emotional disturbance. Wife refuses to follow through with testing despite school recommendation. I love the little girl but she does have behaviors that are challenging. To make matters worse, my wife defends her no matter what, ends up blaming me somehow, the girl knows that if she just starts to cry she can get our of chores and if I dare say anything to her, she cries to her mother and I am chewed out. On several occasions I have been told off by my wife in front of the daughter. I am amazed that she is still respectful to me but that would likely change if I hung in longer.

I had no voice in my home. The rule of the house was "don't upset my daughter". That was paramount. My feelings were not considered. I was a servant and an ATM. Of course this resulted in a lot of resentment on my part. I was never appreciated. I wanted take an active role in co-parenting. I wanted to work together with my wife as a united front. My wife and I had different parenting styles. I was observant and felt that rules and consistency were vital. My wife looked the other way for everything, felt that reasonable rules like picking up after herself were too onerous and any rules that the kid did have were not consistently enforced by my wife. It was a no win.

Now don't get me wrong. Your wife was completely out of line with your child. Saying that she hated her was more than abusive. It was terribly cruel and very unloving. I am wondering though if your daughter had any behaviors that your wife felt overwhelmed by and perhaps she may have felt that you were not considering her feelings. Again, no excuse for her behavior. Exactly what did she have against your daughter? WHY was she jealous? I know you said that your wife did not want to spend much time with her. I got to that point as well because I felt like such a fool and was humiliated one too many times in front of my step-daughter. I felt like she ran the household and I was subservient to her.

Another thing to keep in mind, and one that I lost sight of, is that blended families are hard. They are a lot of work. It is stressful, especially when the step parent and kid do not "click" for one reason or another. This incredibly stressful situation can overwhelm "normal" folks (like myself, at least i like to think I am "normal". Extreme stress for a person with BPD causes disregulation.

I would have loved to bond with my step daughter. She was very complex and I could not "reach her" but it didn't help that my wife made undermined my authority in the house hold in front of her.

[once removed]

theres really no explanation that is of any comfort. im so sorry sunsetsam. how are you holding up?

[sunsetsam]

Now don't get me wrong. Your wife was completely out of line with your child. Saying that she hated her was more than abusive. It was terribly cruel and very unloving. I am wondering though if your daughter had any behaviors that your wife felt overwhelmed by and perhaps she may have felt that you were not considering her feelings. Again, no excuse for her behavior. Exactly what did she have against your daughter? WHY was she jealous? I know you said that your wife did not want to spend much time with her. I got to that point as well because I felt like such a fool and was humiliated one too many times in front of my step-daughter. I felt like she ran the household and I was subservient to her.

Another thing to keep in mind, and one that I lost sight of, is that blended families are hard. They are a lot of work. It is stressful, especially when the step parent and kid do not "click" for one reason or another. This incredibly stressful situation can overwhelm "normal" folks (like myself, at least i like to think I am "normal". Extreme stress for a person with BPD causes disregulation.

I would have loved to bond with my step daughter. She was very complex and I could not "reach her" but it didn't help that my wife made undermined my authority in the house hold in front of her.

Well, she was really all over the place as far as her issues with my daughter. Several things she had said about my daughter over the years:
*She was a reminder of my ex-wife (who she was jealous of)
*She was a reminder of why she had to live in the Midwest versus me moving to the East Coast
*She was an indication that "we have to live my ex-wife's life" (since she lives in the Midwest with my daughter, and I need to be near my daughter)
*She was a "sociopath" (my daughter has Aspergers, but also just did things that kids do... .sometimes interrupt you while you talk, sometimes not say the right thing at the right time, etc.)
*My BPD spouse resented that I could have unconditional love for my daughter
*My BPD spouse resented that my daughter did not have certain chores or responsibilities, while she had her own to tend to (despite being a near-40-year-old adult and my daughter only 8)

Following a rage episode, my ex would admit to being jealous of my daughter for all the above reasons, as well as just for the fact that my ex wanted me all to herself. I don't think she liked having to "share" my attention, love, time, etc.

All this was present when she first moved to the Midwest, butI had suggested we just move in together right when we met since I was going through a divorce and she was the complete opposite of my 1st wife, so I didn't feel right just kicking her out because she didn't like my daughter.  But with my daughter only around two nights a week, there really wasn't much... .or any... .interaction between the two of them that merited ALL of the rage episodes ending up with complaints about my daughter. And I do mean ALL of them.

theres really no explanation that is of any comfort. im so sorry sunsetsam. how are you holding up?

This week I've cried. A lot.  It's now been a month since I've seen her, and I miss her terribly.

She was/is gorgeous... .a 10 in my eyes... .and had the sex drive of a nympho especially at the beginning of the relationship (compared to my 1st wife who was almost asexual). That, plus our love of the same obscure music/groups, vintage clothes, houses, etc., exercising... .we just had so much fun together. So, it was a trade-off that she didn't really want to be a stepmom to my daughter, but I went along with it because I was confused, blinded and... .well, maybe just stupid. But we were together for just over three years and I guess the rages are partially blocked by my brain because of the pain they caused, which leaves only the happy memories to flourish.

I worry that I may meet other women, but none will compare and I'll be the lonelier for it.  Who will have that kind of sex drive AND that beauty?  AND be someone who connects with me on so many levels?  At 40 years old, it is a troubling and saddening thought that she was both the BEST and WORST thing to ever happen to me.

I am trying so hard not to write her and tell her I miss her. Or call her. If even to ask how she's doing and hope she gets help... .I want to be there for her when she gets better. But I'm sure she's already thinking of the next guy, likely sexting and/or more. She had an extremely deviant sexual history when I met her (which made me extremely jealous and yet intensely envious of the guys that had the balls to just walk up to her and whisk her away for a rendevous).

I know my daughter deserves the best of my attention, a safe house to come home to, and people around her that love her.  But I also know that I am now a very, very lonely man who feels he had the one true love he could have ever hoped for, and I made her leave because of how her BPD was affecting us and our relationship. I sometimes do feel life is just too cruel and not worth it. I'm living for my daughter most days, it seems... .I want the best of my ex back... .I miss her.