Alone again

[marie68]

i don't know where to start but I am here because I need help.  I am in a relationship that is hurtful and confusing and totally consuming but I really love him.  He has become my world and in that process there is nothing left of me. I spend every minute of every day that I am not working or sleeping worrying, researching, reflecting... .worrying and agonizing over this relationship and trying to keep it.  Trying to keep him from leaving, keep loving me, be happy.  Afraid all the time that I am going to come home and he will be gone again, that this time he won't come back.  that there has just been too much damage done and that it will always be like this.  That I will never feel loved and secure in this relationship again.  That the man I love is someone I don't know at all and that he has been lying and cheating all along.  He is gone again now.  I knew when I left this am that he wouldn't be home when I finished work.  he has been leaving every other weekend for a couple of months now.  Just leaves and sends me a text saying he is sorry.  Always some crisis that he can't deal with.  He just disappears for the weekend then comes home and acts surprised that I am hurt, disappointed that I have trust issues, makes me feel crazy for having doubts about our relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi marie68,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with how confusing and distressing it feels when our partner has BPD traits.

It helps to learn about the disorder, there's a fundamental logic to the behaviors, a pwBPD's kryptonite is abandonment and when they think that they'll be abandoned perceived or real they'll pull, the closeness or intimacy, triggers the disorder and the person will push, this push / pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior. 

He has become my world and in that process there is nothing left of me.

I think that this is a good place to start. We can be consumed by the crises that BPD perpetuates and feel emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. How is your support network with family and friends, can you turn to someone in real life that is non judgemental? What do you like to do for self care? Self care helps alleviate stress.

[marie68]

I can't tell anyone in my family they would just want me to leave him.  They really like him, I don't want that to change because there is enough conflict with my kids and ex husband.  I did confide in a friend a couple of years ago when he left me the first time, it was very deliberate, I knew I would have a hard time staying resolved and that she would support me that way and keep what was going on confidential.  But I took him back again and again.  I can't talk to her now, I have to pretend it is ok.  How can I tell anyone the truth and stay in the relationship, I would tell her to leave if our roles were reversed.  I used to have my own things and outlets but ive become hyper vigilant and get so anxious when I am not at home.  I'm afraid when I get back he will be gone; he's done it so many times.  I actually have a physical reaction if I come home from grocery shopping and the vehicle isn't there.  I know this isn't normal and that it is totally unhealthy for him and me but I never get enough time to fully recover and ground myself before the next crisis.  so I am weak and can't cope and end up paralyzed until he is back and then it starts again.  I've done the research, I know I am enabling his behaviour and am co dependent and all that stuff but knowing it doesn't change my pattern.  I will not give up on this man until I know with certainty that he doesn't love me, is using me, is cheating again... .I keep telling myself the next time it happens I will leave yet here I am. 

[Mutt]

Hi marie68,

But I took him back again and again.  I can't talk to her now, I have to pretend it is ok.

That's sad to hear that you can't go back to the same friend. Relationships are complicated and it's easy for people from outside of the relationship to say do x,y,z but it's not that simple. That being said, your friend cares about and you care about her, she meant well. Can you talk to her to repair the r/s? I can also understand it if you wouldn't want to talk to her about issues that are difficult to talk about if she's invalidating you by telling you to get out.

I can relate with that anxiety that you're talking about, we describe was walking on eggshells. I used to hate it when work was over because I dreaded going to home because I didn't know if my ex would be in a good mood or if she was in an erratic one and would attack me when I put my foot in the door. It's a very distressing feeling. If you can't talk to your friend, do you have a T? ( therapist )

What do you like to do? Do you like having a bubble bath with candles, going out for a walk, going to the theater to watch a movie, exercise?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?