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Author Topic: Wishing For My Old Life  (Read 389 times)
tammym1972
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: November 26, 2016, 09:05:56 PM »

Does anybody wish for their old life with their BPD ex. It has been a month now and I miss everything. The house we shared, his kids, our pet bird, I was forced to move in with my Mom and I'm feeling so trapped. We never fought though he did find fault with everything I was used to it and just accepted it.

Now I find myself checking is Facebook again several times a day. Was doing better before I moved in with my Mom. Just having a really hard time.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2016, 09:19:48 PM »

Are you missing him or not liking being at your Mom's?  Perhaps some of both?  If it is the later, is there a way that you can change that?
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Herodias
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« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2016, 09:29:20 PM »

Yes, I miss the good parts. I hated moving in with my Mom when I separated with him twice in the past. That's how I ended up back with him, so be careful. Don't switch out one bad thing for a worse thing. Work on getting a roommate or another place of your own. Remember the bad and why you left... .know it gets worse if you go back. I wish I knew that the first time we split... .Take care of you... .
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Sluggo
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Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
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« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2016, 09:39:37 PM »

Herodias,

Excerpt
Remember the bad and why you left... .know it gets worse if you go back.
  Can you expound on that.  How did it get worse for you.  Why do you think it was worse.   I go though my phases like tammym1972 in wondering. 
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rosesarered777
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« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2016, 09:43:25 PM »

I miss sitting down after work and watching "our shows" with her. The cats would all be walking around and it would feel like a family environment.

Today marks 4 months since I last saw her. She has served me and intends to get divorced next year.
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tammym1972
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« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2016, 10:06:44 PM »

With my mom it's not like a normal situation. She is single and has no money so I'm basically the parent. I've moved out in the past and and she always acts like I'm abandoning her. I just sell things online so with only 2 days notice I didn't have time to save up money for my own place. Had to pool resources with my mom to afford a house. Now when ever I want to move out she'll lay on the guilt really thick.
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Herodias
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« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2016, 10:09:47 PM »

The fact that you took them back after they did something bad to you, makes them feel even less respectful of you. It becomes the big buttons they want to push to see what will send you off. Mine was raging and cheating when I left the first time. Then I went back... .he had been seeing the future woman in my bed I know know. He started making nasty comments to me and putting me down after that. Drinking more and pushing my buttons. He held me on the floor with his hands over my mouth and held guns to me and put a pillow over my face. After A huge deal with the domestic violence people and him taking classes, he was on his best behavior. I took him back! That's when he just started going out and cheating and not caring about me much at all. Until I found the woman in my bed with on Xmas after he forced me to leave the house after raging at me. That was the last straw. He told me last year that it was the best Christmas he had had in years with my not being a part of his life! Nice note to get on xmas day... .He is awful. I hope that explains it... .i gets worse and worse. You can't respect them and they don't respect you.
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lovenature
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« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2016, 12:29:26 AM »

[quoteWe never fought though he did find fault with everything I was used to it and just accepted it.
][/quote]

Hey tammy

If you never fought it only stands to reason that it was because you accepted that he found fault in everything, that is not a healthy relationship by any means. When both partners put each other ahead of themselves, a healthy relationship is built and maintained; we must be accepted for who we are, of course we need to live in actual reality, and when someone has an illness that doesn't allow that to happen it causes immense pain.

Take it one day at a time, and stay away from social media!
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JJacks0
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« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2016, 04:57:35 AM »

I feel the same way, tammy.

I miss my ex all the time. We lived together for about 6.5 years, and I miss all the little things that seemed insignificant then. Like rosesarered said, I miss just sitting down with her at night and hanging out with our pets, making dinner and watching TV. Such basic things that don't seem like much of anything when you're so used to it. Now I'm so envious when I see others in their relationship routines.

I have to remind myself though, that if we never separated there isn't any reason to believe I'd be valuing that time together so much. For all I know we'd be arguing or who knows what... .would I be happier than I am in this moment? Yeah, most likely. But I wouldn't know that, having not had this terrible feeling of missing her. Unfortunate how that works. It's that time apart that makes me value it so highly now. I'm sorry, I know this doesn't help much but I can definitely relate to how you feel.
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Warcleods
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« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2016, 06:17:36 AM »

I think the fantasy of how we wanted things to be and what they actually were is the point of contention for most of us.  I could do a thousand thoughtful and generous things for my ex in the course of a week, but it never fixed the internal hell she was living.  I think BPD sufferers are unable to make this distinction for themselves and they constantly search for "someone or "something" to take their pain away.  The hell my ex was living was the very reason she searched for external stimulus as a relief from her pains and she did so without consideration of others.  This type of thinking alters and distorts values tremendously.  Her values were based on superficial things, none of which were sustainable and I recognized this very early on when she would describe what it is she wanted in a partner.  All of her wants were classified as objects and had nothing to do with the heart and soul of a person. 

Do I miss my ex? tremendously!  But I also recognize that I am not interested in reliving the constant ups and downs that the relationship offered.  She couldn't trust herself, so why would I have the confidence in her that I could trust her with my emotions? I can't and I would be a fool for doing so.
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stimpy
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« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2016, 08:06:39 AM »

Does anybody wish for their old life with their BPD ex.

Sometimes yes, I miss the good times, the way she could make me feel really special. But I don't miss

- the silent treatment
- the stalking
- the criticisms
- the insults
- the devaluing
- the selfishness
- the manipulation
- the gas lighting
- the negativity
- the lying
- the disrespect

The main thing that I have regained, and why I would never go back to her is that now my happiness, day to day, is down to me and what I do and my decisions. When I was with my exuBPDgf, my happiness followed hers, and if she was unhappy, she'd make damn sure I was too.



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LilMe
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Relationship status: Together 10 years; now living apart since April 2016
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« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2016, 08:33:15 AM »

Hi Tammy 

1 month is not long to be out - time will help some.  I have been out since April and am starting to feel a little bit better.  I gave up my home and a successful business to be with my uBPD.  I was a housewife and we had 3 children together over 10 years.  I had to leave everything behind when I left.  Our home, my animals, my garden; everything I own and have worked for my whole life (including what was left of my business equipment).  Every time I drop my children off at our home, I cry.  Every day I have to work around not having basic things we need to cook and live and eat and we live in a crappy rental house that is cold and drafty with a stopped up sink and leaky roof.  It is soo hard!

I have to remind myself often that uBPD's abuse was awful and not only damaged me, but also hurt our children.  Leaving gives us all a chance to heal.  I now get to have a relationship with my family and friends and older children that uBPD wouldn't allow when we were together.  I will somehow pull myself back up and be OK.

You will too, Tammy.  You deserve better.  Are you seeing a counselor?  It helps to be able to talk about and work through things.  I know it is hard, but your mental health and well-being must come before your mother's.  Maybe set some long term goals for getting your own place?  Breaking free from the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is powerful and freeing.  Let us know how you are doing! 
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tammym1972
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« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2016, 11:25:30 PM »

Thank you for the kind words. I can't leave my mom. I promised her I'd stay this time. She was there for me when I needed help so at least she cares about me.

I miss my pet bird Ernesta the macaw more than anything. I'm the one that took care if her. Ex was mean to her sometimes. I can't prove it though.

I was just comfortable I guess. I dismissed his issues because I thought they were caused by prednisone. Didn't figure out the BPD until the end.
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