Teen Mom (Original) Amber's BPD diagnosis and Dr. Drew's Advice

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Long title, huh?

So... .my super secret confession. I watch Teen Mom. I was a teen mom (had my first son a month after my 18th birthday) - and there's this comfort when I watch these girls grow up and navigate life. I really struggled as a mom and it just helps the shame generator when I'm able to see the struggles/triumphs of other moms.

Don't judge.

Anyways, I was watching the most recent "reunion" episode which basically entails all the cast sitting down with Dr. Drew Pinksy one on one and then with the exes, current spouses, etc. --- and talks about the season and he tries helping these families.

So, Amber Portwood, shared that she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (previously Bipolar Depression as well). Her ex, Gary, was awarded custody when she went to prison (for dug related charges). Since being release, she is an every other weekend mama and desperately wants more time with her daughter. The dad is obviously skeptical and apprehensive. When Gary came out, Amber became very emotional and it was impossible for anyone to have a conversation with her, including Dr. Drew. Amber stormed off the stage and it went to commercial.

Once the show returned, Amber was back on stage and Gary was not. Dr. Drew responded to her with "He really triggers you, doesn't he?"

So here's my kick and what really upset me.

Dr. Drew then invited Gary's new wife, Kristina, onto the stage.

Dr. Drew's advice?

"Gary and Amber's communication is awful, perhaps you could step in and help and talk to Amber - mom to mom."

I then watched as Kristina state that she preferred to leave it to two of them - and Dr. Drew edged her to perhaps just give it a try. (Just want to recap that Amber refused to be in the same room as Kristina when the two first started dating). Kristina was obviously uncomfortable and saying, "if that works for Gary, I'm willing to try".

Amber also started using some of her skills talking to Kristina "I really appreciate everything you do for my daughter but she's my daughter, she needs her mom" (which I agree) but then slipped in some remarks with "but... well, you, know how Gary is." I was witnessing the Drama Triangle play out in real time.

I've literally had the same conversation with my husband's ex and have had to reiterate my "I don't participate in conversations where my husband is being slammed."

I just sat there dumbfounded. Everything that I've learned as a stepmom and in Borderline Personality Disorder - this was the opposite advice I would give. I understand his sentiment - that perhaps she could be the calm in the storm that is her husband's (coparenting) relationship with his ex, but to me it should be about supporting her husband and helping him communicate better with his ex. If they can't communicate, then you figure out other kinds of communication - email, text, etc. The advice I would be giving would be on better communication between parents, not putting stepmom in that really hard spot. I put myself in that spot and caused more drama and more strain on my marriage --- that I almost got divorced.   

Maybe he knows something I don't know.

I've been drafting a letter to Dr. Drew in my brain ever since.

Anybody else catch the episode? Thoughts?  

[DreamGirl]

Long title, huh?

So... .my super secret confession. I watch Teen Mom. I was a teen mom (had my first son a month after my 18th birthday) - and there's this comfort when I watch these girls grow up and navigate life. I really struggled as a mom and it just helps the shame generator when I'm able to see the struggles/triumphs of other moms.

Don't judge.

Anyways, I was watching the most recent "reunion" episode which basically entails all the cast sitting down with Dr. Drew Pinksy one on one and then with the exes, current spouses, etc. --- and talks about the season and he tries helping these families.

So, Amber Portwood, shared that she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (previously Bipolar Depression as well). Her ex, Gary, was awarded custody when she went to prison (for dug related charges). Since being release, she is an every other weekend mama and desperately wants more time with her daughter. The dad is obviously skeptical and apprehensive. When Gary came out, Amber became very emotional and it was impossible for anyone to have a conversation with her, including Dr. Drew. Amber stormed off the stage and it went to commercial.

Once the show returned, Amber was back on stage and Gary was not. Dr. Drew responded to her with "He really triggers you, doesn't he?"

So here's my kick and what really upset me.

Dr. Drew then invited Gary's new wife, Kristina, onto the stage.

Dr. Drew's advice?

"Gary and Amber's communication is awful, perhaps you could step in and help and talk to Amber - mom to mom."

I then watched as Kristina state that she preferred to leave it to two of them - and Dr. Drew edged her to perhaps just give it a try. (Just want to recap that Amber refused to be in the same room as Kristina when the two first started dating). Kristina was obviously uncomfortable and saying, "if that works for Gary, I'm willing to try".

Amber also started using some of her skills talking to Kristina "I really appreciate everything you do for my daughter but she's my daughter, she needs her mom" (which I agree) but then slipped in some remarks with "but... well, you, know how Gary is." I was witnessing the Drama Triangle play out in real time.

I've literally had the same conversation with my husband's ex and have had to reiterate my "I don't participate in conversations where my husband is being slammed."

I just sat there dumbfounded. Everything that I've learned as a stepmom and in Borderline Personality Disorder - this was the opposite advice I would give. I understand his sentiment - that perhaps she could be the calm in the storm that is her husband's (coparenting) relationship with his ex, but to me it should be about supporting her husband and helping him communicate better with his ex. If they can't communicate, then you figure out other kinds of communication - email, text, etc. The advice I would be giving would be on better communication between parents, not putting stepmom in that really hard spot. I put myself in that spot and caused more drama and more strain on my marriage --- that I almost got divorced.   

Maybe he knows something I don't know.

I've been drafting a letter to Dr. Drew in my brain ever since.

Anybody else catch the episode? Thoughts?  

[bravhart1]

Haven't seen the show ( but you did a great job describing it!) I think that Kristina's response should have been, "I agree that Amber is unable to communicate with Gary in a mature fashion, prob due to her mental illness, having said that I agree as well that they need a mediator to be the go between for their daughter, I'm not a mental health professional, but I would whole heartedly agree to split the cost of employing one to be the middle man."

Dr. Drew clearly does not understand the depth of BPD and how ambers reluctance to let go of Gary, and her control of him, triggers her. ( I want my eye roll emoji back!)

It's no joke how much damage can be done to people's lives when the BPD is allowed to run untethered. Courts need to have firm rules in place when dealing with mentally ill parents.

Interesting post,thanks for sharing!

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol!
I have to also admit
I have watched quite a bit of that series, please don't rat me out though!

Part of me wants to hope that this was not sincere therapy advice but his best attempt at keeping dialogue going for the sake of the shows drama.  Yet, that sounds awful too!

I think it is fair, and responsible for step mom to set boundaries and decide to stay out of it.

On the other hand, often my ex and I negotiated way more and way better with her husband than her, thus helping the child better.

In any event... seems reasonable that the clear boundary coulda been set by Dr. drew... .
Look, this woman is TRYING to Help YOU.  Don't take advantage of that position and lure her into bashing Gary.  That is not going to work.  You can reach out, but do so in a way that is respectful of her, and Gary, and their union, and their role in your child's life.

Yet, he could come up with a tactful way to direct things that way and frame it.

Reminding her that it is her job to be grateful for step mom's role to all, and that if it gets tricky, drama like, it can be withdrawn asap.

Idk, my thoughts fwiw

[jennaberk]

I love that show as well, a guilty pleasure that if I'm honest, I don't feel very guilty over!

I haven't seen the episode yet but I wonder if Dr. Drew is encouraging this for production reasons later on in other seasons. I guess I'm just suspicious of the motive. It's horrible advice and counter to anything any therapist has told me or anything I've ever read. If I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt then I'd say he's just not qualified to speak on stepfamily dynamics! Probably a mix of all of these things.

I know that when I was a new stepmom, I ended up sliding into the role of communication facilitator for my husband and his ex, who has some narcissistic qualities for sure. This appealed to them both because based on my clinical background, I was used to difficult people and sensitive situations. I could word things in a way that he didn't naturally so she didn't feel as attacked or defensive. There was no history to complicate our exchanges. This worked for awhile because I also was at home with my son, and they both worked. I ended up doing all the kids appointments, managing school work and getting them to all their extracurriculars and play dates. I had less anxiety knowing they wouldn't suddenly have a disagreement because he worded something wrong. I was pacifying everyone.

Ultimately I created a codependent relationship where they both relied on me way too much for things with my stepkids. I became burnt out and resentful. I felt used and that my kindness was taken advantage so that their Mom could avoid time off from work or paying additional childcare. For a long time I said that I did this for it to be better for the kids, so that family was watching them or helping out with school. But it harmed our relationship dynamic, made everything less fun (now I was enforcing and monitoring everything!)  and probably delayed my husband and his ex realizing how severe my SD personality disorder issues were. I eventually broke down and refused my role, setting strong boundaries and then my husband learned to implement them as well. It was hard because for the duration of their marriage and then ours, he had never held boundaries with her. It made everything harder in the end. It was too much on me.

I think in a co-parenting relationship where both parents are mentally fit, it could work but then it wouldn't be necessary. If you add in a parent who will push boundaries, take advantage of opportunities, slide back into making rude comments about their ex/your spouse (which I also encountered) it's just not worth it. Best practice to me would be for the co-parenting couple to learn how to effectively communicate with each other. Of course this is harder than having a new partner facilitate everything but easier is not better!

[DreamGirl]

jennaberk, I think you very well might be my spirit animal.

I haven't seen the episode yet but I wonder if Dr. Drew is encouraging this for production reasons later on in other seasons. I guess I'm just suspicious of the motive. It's horrible advice and counter to anything any therapist has told me or anything I've ever read.  

I hadn't even thought of the fact that he's giving otherwise good advice to people who would make good reality tv. His advice really is OK, it's WHO he's giving the advice to that isn't really sound (based on everything I've ever learned).

Ultimately I created a codependent relationship where they both relied on me way too much for things with my stepkids. I became burnt out and resentful. I felt used and that my kindness was taken advantage so that their Mom could avoid time off from work or paying additional childcare. For a long time I said that I did this for it to be better for the kids, so that family was watching them or helping out with school. But it harmed our relationship dynamic, made everything less fun (now I was enforcing and monitoring everything!)  and probably delayed my husband and his ex realizing how severe my SD personality disorder issues were. I eventually broke down and refused my role, setting strong boundaries and then my husband learned to implement them as well. It was hard because for the duration of their marriage and then ours, he had never held boundaries with her. It made everything harder in the end. It was too much on me.

So I could literally highlight all the points I've felt, acted, thought exactly the same.

I also created this dynamic where I was playing the martyr (look at all these great things I do!) and they were happy because they both had someone else handling all their problems. And they weren't quite grateful enough (Because duh, why would they?) and I was left wondering why two grownups couldn't just act like grownups. Well, I helped create it by not expecting them to be.

The greatest act I ever did was hand it back to my more then capable husband. Then help him learn better communication skills. Their relationship was better. Our relationship was better.

Everyone was happier.

I think that's why this advice just bothers me so much. She just seemed like she already had figured some of that out (where I was so hopelessly clueless) and she's having a professional tell her to sacrifice herself for the better of everyone.

No... .no... .no... .no... .no... .

[livednlearned]

A lot of the reality tv shows look for people with a PD  

And exploit them.  

[DreamGirl]

A lot of the reality tv shows look for people with a PD  

And exploit them.  

That's so true.

I think this one just hit home to me because of the actual BPD diagnosis and the actual stepmom from the actual therapist.

I mean even Dr. Phil gives better advice.