At my wits end

[pippi]

Hi all,

Sorry if this is a super long post. I suppose it is years of pent up feelings and emotions.

Myself and my 2 sisters have suspected that my mother has BPD for some time. She is extremely emotionally unstable. Her twin was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. I think my mum was overlooked as her twins behaviour was much more extreme than her own. In recent years though a number of things that have happened have meant that me mums behaviour has started to spiral out of control.

First of all 3 years ago she was diagnosed with a chronic disease which meant that she could not go back to work, I think work had kept her in line a lot because as soon as she wasn't in work anymore the problems really began. She started to talk about how no one cared for her and that nobody loved her. One of us had always been in the hospital with her at all times so we couldn't understand where it was all coming from.

The next year turned into a total 'pity party' where all she did was talk about how sick she was, how her life was over, how her daughters didn't care about her... .Nothing we said or did made any difference to her. She turned down all help. She also threatened suicide a few times. Myself and my sisters grew very tired of the negativity and abuse she would hurl at us, so we all started to pull away which helped us a bit and she seemed to calm down a little bit.

Then last year my dad was diagnosed with cancer, quite aggressive and he would need chemo and surgery. I'm sad to say that in all of it one of my major concerns aside from my dad was my mum and what her reaction would be. She seemed ok with it for awhile but soon cracks began to appear.

She would cry for days at a time. Perhaps a normal reaction but she was really crying for herself, crying about how her life was over now my dad was sick, how we left all the responsibility for my dads illness on her etc. In essence she wanted us to all move back into the house and look after my dad so she didn't have to.

She said very mean, untrue and hateful things to each of us, including my dad.  The pattern was that she would have a huge meltdown, upset everyone, we would stop taking for a few days, then my dad would ask us to talk to her and things would be 'stable' for awhile. We did it for the sake of my dad but then again I think he has enabled a lot of her behaviour. There was a huge amount of manipulation going on.

We tried to get her help but our family doctor was exasperated and did not seem able to help her anymore. All our family members were as clueless as us on how to help. It didn't help she had cut out her own siblings over a few years ago about another issue (she cuts people out when they disagree with her).

She has also been at a mental health facility recently as things got so bad. But she didn't go because 'she has a problem' but rather she went to get a break from my dad and the situation. So in a way it was a bit pointless because her true underlying mental health problem were never addressed and she ended up leaving anyway.

Unfortunately the situation has gotten even worse the past few weeks as we have been told my dads cancer is back and he is now looking at palliative cave at home. As you can imagine we are all devastated. But once again my major concern is my mum and her reaction.

Just as we predicted she maintained composure for about 2 days and then had a meltdown. She's been crying for 4 days straight. She won't go in to see my dad in the hospital. We are all extremely upset as it is but this is adding more 100 times the stress to the situation. She wants someone with her at all times. She is now talking about killing herself so is blackmailing us to stay with her 24/7 (we have jobs and one sister has a family). My dad isn't even home from hospital yet, so I can only imagine how hard it is going to be when he is. 

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice on this situation or been in something similar? I know it is an extreme situation and i'm kinda in shock at how bad everything is. I think all the tactics of dealing with someone with BPD have gone out the window.

I feel like none can help us. Doctors don't seem to know what to do. Having her sectioned will upset my dad. I guess I was hoping it would be helpful to hear from others who've experienced something similar.   

[Mutt]

Hi pippi, 



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to share with people that can relate with you. You're not alone.

You mentioned that doctors dont know what to do.  I would feel hopeless, There is hope. Have you talked to a T or a P? ( Therapist, Psychologist )

Having her sectioned will upset my dad.

We can't control how someone else behaves, we can control how we react to it.  Its important to take care of ourselves so that we don't burn the candle at both ends. What do you for self care? Do you have a friend in real life that is non judgmental and objectionable that you can confide in? Hang in there.

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Pippi:  
I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.  I'm so very sorry about your dad's cancer prognosis.  That in itself is devastating.  I can't imagine what you are going through with your mom's depression and behavior added to the situation.

We have been told my dads cancer is back and he is now looking at palliative care at home. As you can imagine we are all devastated. But once again my major concern is my mum and her reaction.

She won't go in to see my dad in the hospital. She wants someone with her at all times. She is now talking about killing herself so is blackmailing us to stay with her 24/7 (we have jobs and one sister has a family). My dad isn't even home from hospital yet, so I can only imagine how hard it is going to be when he is.

I feel like none can help us. Doctors don't seem to know what to do. Having her sectioned will upset my dad.

Is your mom able to see a mental health professional on an out-patient basis? A primary care doctor can't likely handle the situation with your mom, but skilled mental health professionals should have more to offer.  In lieu of in-patient care, sounds like she needs some meds and some intensive talk therapy with a skilled psychologist.

Is your mom on any meds for depression?  She may need to stay on some appropriate meds for a period of time to help get her out of her depression.  It could be hard to try and manage some of the BPD behaviors, without getting a handle on the depression.  Have you thought about getting some therapy for yourself, of perhaps a joint sessions for you and your sibling (s)?  

People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to have a fear of abandonment.  That could be one thing going on with your mom right now.  The information in the articles at the links below, could be helpful in understanding some of what may be going on with your mom and give you a few skills to try.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT (6-Page Discussion)
Fear of abandonment is a common issue for people with BPD (pwBPD).  

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE:
Learning about the drama triangle can be helpful.  Take note of what not to do and how to use the Caring/Winning Triangle.  There are a couple of links at the end of the article that will take you to a couple of discussion threads.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

VALIDATION will be a helpful skill to use with your mom.

[pippi]

Hi Mutt and Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you very much for the welcome!

I have been looking through the material that you linked me to. I recognise a lot of situations that are mentioned in them. Especially the drama triangle. It was something I said to my sisters actually today. I feel things get out of control very quickly when my mum starts as there are so many people involved in the triangle all playing changing roles.

So even if I don't want to be involved I am somehow brought into the triangle, not necessarily by my mum but by my sisters or other family members. It can be very hard to recognise when that is happening. I then feel guilty if I want no part in it, I feel like I am leaving all the responsibility on other peoples shoulders.

Also if my sisters and I don't go along with it she brings in some random relative or friend, who inevitably contacts one of us as they are concerned about her. It can really feel like a bit of a circus at times. Has anyone else felt that as daughters they have been expected by others to put up with their mother and help her out unconditionally no matter how bad her behaviour was? It can feel like that sometimes with my relatives.

My mum is on anti-depressants for the past few years and they were working ok until she got sick. Since then I think she has tried a few different types but comes off them after about a week or two as she says they don't agree with her. Honestly I am not sure what she is on now as keeps changing around.I know she takes Xanax a lot. She has been seeing a psychiatrist on an out-patient basis but it is only every few weeks and by the sounds of it the issue of BPD has never been raised. She had also been seeing a councillor but she said it was useless so she stopped going.

The cycle seems to be that she tries to get help, tries it for a few weeks and then gives up as says it is useless. Nothing I say makes a difference, even if I encourage her to keep going. So I am not sure if there is anything more I can do, I know it has to come from herself?

Before my dad was diagnosed I had taken a step back from her, having limited contact. I felt much better. But now I feel I am right back in it again against my will. If I want contact with my dad it will very much involve my mum as she will be the one looking after him.

Also whereas before I would have not played along with her manipulation now i'm scared not to in case she mistreats my dad as a result. This is a tactic of hers, if someone goes against her everyone else suffers. Or even she will harm herself to punish us. Its almost like there is too much at stake to disobey her?

I've been looking into seeing a councillor. I know I need to look out for myself but the guilt of leaving my dad with her or the threat of her harming herself stops me doing it :-(   

[Naughty Nibbler]

So even if I don't want to be involved I am somehow brought into the triangle, not necessarily by my mum but by my sisters or other family members. It can be very hard to recognise when that is happening. I then feel guilty if I want no part in it, I feel like I am leaving all the responsibility on other peoples shoulders.

Also if my sisters and I don't go along with it she brings in some random relative or friend, who inevitably contacts one of us as they are concerned about her. It can really feel like a bit of a circus at times. Has .

It could be helpful for you to read about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and BOUNDARIES. (click on the green words below):

FOG
BOUNDARIES

My mum is on anti-depressants for the past few years and they were working ok until she got sick. Since then I think she has tried a few different types but comes off them after about a week or two as she says they don't agree with her. Honestly I am not sure what she is on now as keeps changing around.I know she takes Xanax a lot. She has been seeing a psychiatrist on an out-patient basis but it is only every few weeks and by the sounds of it the issue of BPD has never been raised. She had also been seeing a councillor but she said it was useless so she stopped going.

The cycle seems to be that she tries to get help, tries it for a few weeks and then gives up as says it is useless. ?

Antidepressants can take up to approx. a month to start working.  It isn't typical to get an immediate benefit.  Also, many of them have side effects that resolve or dissipate over time.  Hopefully, her psychiatrist had her titrate onto the meds. (starting with a very low dose, sometime with as little as 1/4 or 1/2 of the lowest dose possible and step it up incrementally).

Xanax and meds in that category, tend to sedate and can get addictive.  People who take it regularly, generally keep stepping up the dosage.

What happens with counseling/therapy is that disordered people tend to run away when the subjects get uncomfortable or too close to home.

I've been looking into seeing a councillor. I know I need to look out for myself but the guilt of leaving my dad with her or the threat of her harming herself stops me doing it :-(   

Counseling for you sounds like a good idea. You need take the time to do things to take care of yourself and relive your stress.  It can be a relief to have a professional to vent to, gain some ideas from and perhaps discuss some tactics that you read about here, such as triangulation and FOG, etc.  Some other things to consider, is perhaps some joint sessions with a sibling (s). 

What is the prognosis for your dad, in relation to time?   I believe palliative care is the step before hospice care.  Will there be medical professionals that will visit the home, once your dad is released from the hospital?