I let the dream take over for a second

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Now i am back to start. I had a great day with my BPD ex yesterday. We talked, Laughed had a really good time. She wrote me that she didn't want to say goodbye, after i dropped her off. And it series like maybe i was in for another recycle.

All i saw was that i had a chance to be close to her again. She keeps insisting that nothing has happened between her and this New guy. But she has been living in the same house as him for almost a Month now ( a friend of hers is living there as well but still)

I am with her now, trying to get the apartment we shared cleaned up, and we were still having a good time, but then a msg Comes on her Phone, it is this New guy texting hearts to her... Devastated me once again. Right now she is sleeping before we continue the work, i am just sitting here trying to figure out a reason for not killing myself. It's not going great...

I know what i have to do, but i don't know what to do... So my last resort is writing here... I am sitting here trying to not cry to Loud... I am so pathetic... I can't handle anymore... F*ck All this :'(

[Broken88]

Now i am back to start. I had a great day with my BPD ex yesterday. We talked, Laughed had a really good time. She wrote me that she didn't want to say goodbye, after i dropped her off. And it series like maybe i was in for another recycle.

All i saw was that i had a chance to be close to her again. She keeps insisting that nothing has happened between her and this New guy. But she has been living in the same house as him for almost a Month now ( a friend of hers is living there as well but still)

I am with her now, trying to get the apartment we shared cleaned up, and we were still having a good time, but then a msg Comes on her Phone, it is this New guy texting hearts to her... Devastated me once again. Right now she is sleeping before we continue the work, i am just sitting here trying to figure out a reason for not killing myself. It's not going great...

I know what i have to do, but i don't know what to do... So my last resort is writing here... I am sitting here trying to not cry to Loud... I am so pathetic... I can't handle anymore... F*ck All this :'(

[sad but wiser]

Hello Broken,
I am here.

[Broken88]

Thank you! It's just hurts i can't do this. Feels hopeless, i am sorry for my miserable emotional state

[sad but wiser]

This is not the only girl in the world
  She is not the only crazy girl in the world, either... .
And here is why you should not kill yourself:  soon after truly breaking up with her, you will find you can relax.  You will find that going home to a place where you know what to expect is a good thing, not death.  You will find that you can go through an hour, a day, a week, a month... .without her and her drama.  Others have done it, so can you.  It just takes the courage to pass each moment.
  The pain you feel is real.  Yiu are not pathetic, you are wounded.  Healing is possible, actually it is inevitible.  Just hang in there.  :)on't you think she knows what this is doing to you?  She does not care.  Why?  There is only room for her and her needs.  You did not fail... .you could not possibly succeed with her.

[sad but wiser]

I have to go now.  (Work) You are grieving, but this is good.  You have a lot of things to grieve.  It is ok and human to grieve.  It hurts though.  Please jyst hang in there and know that this will pass.

[Broken88]

Thank you again!  I had no one to turn to

It means the world to me, i am still crying, but not thinking about suicide anymore at the moment

I know All these things you write, it just seems like too much for me right now

Have a good Day at work and again, thank you!   

[Hisaccount]

My ex is out of town and I fully expect the same scenario when she gets back so I am scrambling to make plans to hide from her someplace new. LOL
That is because I know I am not strong enough to resist her.

Hang in there. I know the highs that being with them can bring and I know the lows. There is no escaping it.

I wish there was someway to help more than just saying you are not alone, a lot of us have been there and when the ones that survived tell you it gets better that is all we can do is believe them.

[Broken88]

Lol hiding from her i think i will try the same when i get the balls to go completely no contact. I feel your troubles ! i hope you will get through the next Traumatizing moments you have with her.!

I wish there was someway to help more than just saying you are not alone, a lot of us have been there and when the ones that survived tell you it gets better that is all we can do is believe them.

Nothing more you can do... I just have a problem with becoming suicidal. And i have a very fast car, which is a bad mix... But I do believe them, just in moments i get caught up in my feelings, they are so powerful, especially when i am with her.

I feel like i can do nothing... .I just did a way to fast trip home, like 180 km/t on normal roads. No seat belt... Now, i don't know what got into me... But i am starting to be really scared that this might kill me...

IT does help to hear from you guys/gals! It helps me get through every day. But when smth like this comes over me, i am stunned. I don't wanna die yet, but it feels like this might end me...

-broken

[Hisaccount]

I just have a problem with becoming suicidal.

I think more people here are and just don't want to admit it. I think about it all the time.
Worst part is admitting that in a public forum could be used against someone in a court case. Reality is, I don't care. My ex is a lawyer I am screwed anyway. LOL

But yeah I think about it all the time, how easy it would be to end it and not ever have to go through any of this again. I actually don't know what is stopping me beyond a lifetime of brainwashing that says it is wrong.

My other common thought is running away. I seriously think about just walking away from everything. My job of 23 years where I can retire in 7 more years. Walk away and start over. My house, dogs, vehicles, everything.

I think the truth is, I am too scared to do either of them, If I was a stronger person I would have gotten it done, but if I was a stronger person I wouldn't be thinking about such things either.

It hurts so much because we have seen how good it can be, how happy we can be. Problem is the highs are so high but the lows are so low. Look at what they make us give. What they take from us.
That is not healthy, there is a healthy balance out there where we are happy to go home to that person everyday, we are happy with life and we are happy all the time. We just have to get through this middle part.

I got a fortune cookie the other day and the fortune in it is probably the best one I have ever seen.
It says "A good memory is fine but the ability to forget is the one true test of greatness"

[Broken88]

"A good memory is fine but the ability to forget is the one true test of greatness"

I hate that fortune cookie... It is right... But as i feel right now, i am not sure i want to forget... I know it will probably pass when i go through the stages...

I feel the need to run away as well, all though i don't have as much stuff to run away from, like no house, a car yes, but i really haven't got a lot. So could be a possibility for me... But i don't think i am strong enough either... .

I hope you are right about the middle part thing... Could be nice to be comfortable and happy for a change... But the hold, the love, for something this unhealthy... It is hard to understand. But nevertheless it is reality... Time to face it i guess... Still, i don't know what to do with myself...

[Hisaccount]

Still, i don't know what to do with myself...

Like I said I am in the same spot you are. I know my ex is coming back Monday, so right now when I am strong enough I am reaching out and making plans for places I can hide out next week.
I cannot avoid phone calls or texts or emails, but not seeing her is huge because we are often physically addicted as well as mentally attracted.

When I am not strong enough I curl up into a ball and cry. It is pathetic. Glad I live alone.

But we didn't blow it because we never really had it.

[Broken88]

But we didn't blow it because we never really had it.

It just feels weird for me. Because i always felt like she would never leave. Like this was going to be until the end. But you are probably right. I was just what she needed at that time in her life.

Actually she said something kinda like that yesterday i think it was. : "i believe we have a "The one" for every part of our lives, and you were the one for that part of mine".

I don't know if i agree on that. I feel very strongly about calling someone the one, there shouldn't be a the one, for every stage of life.

The crying thing, yea... It is horrible, and humiliating... I hate it... I think i am pathetic as well when i do it... Maybe we are... i don't know... But i think it is impossible to avoid in our situation, with our mental state taking into consideration...

I HOPE that i will come out stronger on the other side... Sometimes i believe,, most i don't... I want to try and cheer you up... But i don't have any cheering up left in me right now.
However, i hope you are successful in avoiding her! Sounds like the best idea - you are right about the psychical addiction, i saw her 3 days in a row now (bad idea i know) and i feel worse than ever almost...

[Hisaccount]

It just feels weird for me. Because i always felt like she would never leave. Like this was going to be until the end.

That is exactly it. During all of our dating and friendship time before we got married we always said this is it for life. No matter what we would make it work.
I put her through graduate school, her MBA,  law school, supported her while she got her business going. We were always working towards better days ahead.
Even this summer when she couldn't stand the sight of me and I told her I need a break she says, "for now, but it is you and me against the world forever"
then she leaves and files for divorce.

You cannot express to someone clearly enough to make them understand what that does to you unless they have been there.

I too wish I could help others, in some twisted way this is all I can do for now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Broken88, Healing is possible, as sad but wiser notes, but not if you continue to hang around w/her, which will only open you up to more pain and hurt.  Have you suffered enough?  Are you ready to pull yourself out of the toxic BPD soup?  Only you know the answers.  She's keeping you on the line, my friend, in case things don't work out with the New Guy.  Don't kid yourself.  What makes you think things will play out differently if you decide to recycle?  Chances are you'll be right back where you are now, so why put yourself through it?

LuckyJim

[Broken88]

 Hisaccount
I feel the same way. I can't even help myself...  But i hope my story and experiences can contribute. At least it helps me getting it out. My friends are sick of me talking about her...

- Wow mine said that it was just me and her, i was the one, about 2 days before the final discard (we had just got engaged). It is Hard to accept the end i feel

[Broken88]

Have you suffered enough?  Are you ready to pull yourself out of the toxic BPD soup?  Only you know the answers.  She's keeping you on the line, my friend, in case things don't work out with the New Guy.  Don't kid yourself.  What makes you think things will play out differently if you decide to recycle? 

LuckyJim

You are right... Harsh... It is difficult for me to imagine her doing that... But i know it, and i am coming to accept it, but every time i see her i melt. It is impossible for me to be rational...   But as i have come to understand, 1 month isnt that long, so i am still at an early stage in the development of the New me so to say...

[drained1996]

Hi Broken88, glad to see you're in a better place than you were earlier this morning.  Being drug along in life by someone we love is very difficult to deal with.  It confuses us, causes us pain and anguish, and is downright unhealthy for our minds, souls and body.  Most all of us have been there... .emotional wrecks, clinging and waiting for any crumbs from our BPD's to be thrown our way.  Tears that never seemed to end, the questioning, the whys, the downright total mental meltdown.  Until... .we begin to feel the need to protect ourselves from the abuse our loved ones are dishing our way.  You are not alone in your suffering!  Tears are pain coming out, perfectly normal given what we have been through!  (props to FHTH for the tears part)
Do you feel it may be time for you to self protect?  Do you feel it may be time for you... .to do what's best for YOU?  And yes... .it does get better... .we promise.   

[Mutt]

Hi broken88,

My friends are sick of me talking about her...

I can relate with that, my friends and family were getting sick of hearing about my ex too, I kept that for here and shared it with the whole group because we get it. It helps to talk about it.

You are right... Harsh... It is difficult for me to imagine her doing that... But i know it, and i am coming to accept it, but every time i see her i melt. It is impossible for me to be rational...

It's possible to be rational, I agree about self protection, I think that it would be wise to self protect for a little while so that you can clear your head or get out of this fog. The impossibility with being rational is fog really, you need to get out of that fog brother.

[Broken88]

Do you feel it may be time for you to self protect?  Do you feel it may be time for you... .to do what's best for YOU?  And yes... .it does get better... .we promise. 

I don't know if i am ready... Or if it is just my negative look on things right now that is messing with me... I have been breaking down all day today and now also all night... When i read your answer, i just broke down. Don't know why... BUT thank you, i have been told a lot of times it will get better, but it helps every time.!

- Mutt, i know, i really know... But i am still helplessly in love... After 14 of January, my ex and i no longer have an apartment together... I HOPE it will get easier after that, no reason for contact... Just her living 4 km from here, but that is next problem on the list... I am looking forward to no contact and maybe just an end in sight from this hell...

- I really hate crying... !

[oshinko maki]

I think that when you are feeling forgiveness and hopeful and caring about how she feels, you need to recall regularly what you likely felt when you hated -- the danger she entails even when things are going "good".

It seem to me that by remembering that danger, even during the "good times", you don't get so hurt when she turns noxious. Today I forget the danger and got carried away with it going good, and then promptly paid the price.

[Broken88]

It seem to me that by remembering that danger, even during the "good times", you don't get so hurt when she turns noxious. Today I forget the danger and got carried away with it going good, and then promptly paid the price.

Sounds like kind of my situation... And i am still paying the price... But to some extend i think you are right, about remembering the danger, and all the hurt you have been through. But the problem is the highs for me, they were very nice, even if i was wondering when the next big problem would appear.

And i remember the good times more clearly than the bad times... kind of mind cloud i guess

[Mutt]

But the problem is the highs for me, they were very nice, even if i was wondering when the next big problem would appear.

I remember that I wanted my ex to go back to that idealization phase, the woman that idealize me when we first met. I hung on to that for a long time, right up to end when it was scorched earth at home and she was having an affair. It's not healthy to hang on to the highs, you have to assess the good with the bad, I wouldn't call it a mind cloud, I'd call it avoidance.

But i am still helplessly in love...

I'm sure that you love and care for her but you have to ask yourself if it's also about the intensity of the idealization.

[oshinko maki]

you have to ask yourself if it's also about the intensity of the idealization.

Trying not to get carried away in the idealization is often easy in my situation; my wife believes I am from the future or an unparalleled genius, having guessed well a few times, and-never-mind-that-I-guessed-poorly-sometimes-too, when money was at stake. Interesting that the idealization, present off and on over the very long term, was never accompanied by adoration, even in our early years, if I remember correctly.
It may help to detach from the wounds by remembering that any self image, idealized or demonized or any self image at all, is unnecessary in that, if I understand a Buddhist teaching correctly, seeing yourself as better than others, worse than others, or the same as others, are all conceit or a type of state of mind that when let go make it easier for you to be happy.

[tammym1972]

Broken88. I can really relate to your story. My ex of almost 4 years threw me out of the home we shared and took up with a new girl a month and a half ago. Lately I have been doing so much better. Like night and day. Just give it time. You will be better, I promise!

[lovenature]

I feel like i can do nothing... .I just did a way to fast trip home, like 180 km/t on normal roads. No seat belt... Now, i don't know what got into me... But i am starting to be really scared that this might kill me...

Hey broken, I did similar on my motorcycle, wide open at night not caring about anything other than escaping the pain for a short while. I realized afterwards that I would be abandoning my 2 best friends (my dogs-one is a rescue from a shelter) if I was to not return to them.
Think about the overall of your relationship, list the good vs. the bad.
Think of the peace and the simple things in life you can appreciate when you are away from the chaos and drama of a BPD relationship.

[woundedPhoenix]

I know what i have to do, but i don't know what to do... So my last resort is writing here... I am sitting here trying to not cry to Loud... I am so pathetic... I can't handle anymore... F*ck All this :'(

The hardest part of this all, is that rationally you know what to do. Rationally you know that while there is good and there is bad, overall, the bad for you outweighs the good and breaks you down further and further. You know there is no future in holding on.

Emotionally you get mixed messages of fear and longing, pain and hope, sadness and despair, you feel guilt and shame, which causes you to want to get her back so you can finally feel good again. And her sending mixed signals is only creating more emotional chaos in your heart. You wanna follow your heart to what it believes was and is still there.

In short, your heart still believes in the idealisation to come back, your mind knows better deep down, and the two remain conflicted, until you accept you cannot "fix" it, you can only step back and heal and move on.

[Broken88]

I wouldn't call it a mind cloud, I'd call it avoidance.

I'm sure that you love and care for her but you have to ask yourself if it's also about the intensity of the idealization.

Again Mutt, harsh. But i know you are right... And right now my rational side has got the power, my emotions are not flaring (they will again soon i expect) and i can clearly see that: I needed her, i needed to be idolized and put on a pedestal, i felt bad about myself when i met her, hated myself actually. I was in a bad place... And i hope that i wont go back to that place in my life, because it caused me a lot of damage, because i attracted that kind of r/s. even if i wasn't aware at the moment it happened.

Broken88. I can really relate to your story. My ex of almost 4 years threw me out of the home we shared and took up with a new girl a month and a half ago. Lately I have been doing so much better. Like night and day. Just give it time. You will be better, I promise!

I am sorry you had to go through that! But i am very happy you are doing better. I am 1 month out (in a couple of days) but i am feeling myself regressing every time i start to feel better.

Think about the overall of your relationship, list the good vs. the bad.
Think of the peace and the simple things in life you can appreciate when you are away from the chaos and drama of a BPD relationship.

It is motivational, when i am able to think like this! We are eventually free and then life will become if not more simple, then more in our own control... - I am trying to think of my family also, but i have no one who i have a responsibility towards, no one who is dependent on me (ex took dogs so i am all alone).

In short, your heart still believes in the idealisation to come back, your mind knows better deep down, and the two remain conflicted, until you accept you cannot "fix" it, you can only step back and heal and move on.

Spot on! My mind knows what to do and where to go... But the heart still believes... So annoying. Can't my heart just get with the program... But yeah i am trying to step back, and as soon as we are out of the apartment, i will leave her totally alone, and hopefully she will do me the same favor.

[drained1996]

My mind knows what to do and where to go... But the heart still believes

Having read through most of your posts I can see your mind knows what to do and where you need to go.  Would it help to hear from an outsider to say out loud to follow your mind for now?  Your mind is looking after YOU... .
From experience, if you'll allow your mind to make your choices for a while... .your heart will actually catch up.  (yes... .your mind will have to call our your heart for not being helpful sometimes... .which is the hard part)  Sound like something you can try?

If you do that for a while, and begin to shift the focus onto you and your future... .we may very well have to change your name to Fixed88!

[Broken88]

From experience, if you'll allow your mind to make your choices for a while... .your heart will actually catch up.  (yes... .your mind will have to call our your heart for not being helpful sometimes... .which is the hard part)  Sound like something you can try?

If you do that for a while, and begin to shift the focus onto you and your future... .we may very well have to change your name to Fixed88!

I just wish it would understand already, there is nothing left there for me... But actually had about 1 hour of not worrying and feeling calm ealier today, gave me some hope - i will try to let my mind decide, when possible thanks for the support, i am still bleeding after the last meeting with my ex.

[sad but wiser]

Hi Guys,
  Yes, I was suicidal at times, and obsessed too.  And it was weird, because I didn't want him back.  My guess is that there is a very strong emotional/chemical bond in the brain.  We invest so much of ourselves into the relationship, especially at the beginning, we feel ourselves die emotionally with the relationship.  Lots of people feel strongly that this person is their soulmate (when they first get together.)
  In any case, I am going to ask Broken to not engage in any more risky behavior.  Please promise.  I know you will hold yourself to it, even if you can't do it for yourself.  You have a good life ahead of you now, because you are learning what happened and what to avoid in the future.   Take care and keep us posted!  Betting on you!