disappeared -I think?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi- first time on here and needing support, validation and understanding; along with hearing I am not alone in this situation.

I believe my new husband of only 9 months has BPD. We dated 2 years before getting married and it was rocky then; however I believed the promises and had hope God could restore the brokenness.

The normal was i would say something very minor and it set him off and he claimed I was abusive. For example, i asked for him to write something down to remind me as I was preoccupied at the time and was afraid I would forget. I owned my position and I apologized that i was unable to focus on his things for me to do, I was then told I was grumpy and demanding and he left the house and did not speak to me for two in half days. This was and is our normal.

I believe since we have been married he has maybe spent a total of 60 nights with me. We have two homes so he uses his home as an escape. Threatens divorce all the time, jealously, controlling, abusive verbally and blames me for every flaw in our relationship.

Well after taking so much that I can take, I finally went to a counselor and he said I was a codependent and needed to stand firm in my boundaries. So I did, Stating that the threats of leaving, divorcing me and the abusive behavior will no longer intimidate me and I would distance myself when i felt verbally abused.

Needless to say that did not go over well. This was before thanksgiving and he hasn't been back.

We verbally committed to therapy but he persuaded the therapists that is was me who was insecure. Well yeah i am insecure- when a man isn't home night after night, threatens divorce weekly and that he'll find love else where why wouldn't i feel insecure. I finally had the courage to share with my friends and family about my roller coaster life with him and they all said he must be cheating. he has always sworn he would never do that, but with so many absences and little clues here there i started to question his loyalty.

this created more problems. Now he's out of town with his children in another state for christmas, has removed our married status on his fb and i will probably receive the papers this week.
 I get why he is this way because he was being sexually abused as a child and  I have compassion and forgiveness for him because I am a devout Christian and love the Lord and wants whats best for him and his salvation. I guess i struggle today because my part in our demise seems so trivial. I never cheated, lied or reacted back, I would immediately apologize and own my part, correct my "mistakes" and try to be better at snuggling, communicating, attention-geez everything i would try to improve.  If i was to reflect on our communication, I was always failing him. He made me tell him I loved him a zillion times and would ask me to repeatedly "tell me you love me" - this became annoying and creepy.

[loulou3]

Hi- first time on here and needing support, validation and understanding; along with hearing I am not alone in this situation.

I believe my new husband of only 9 months has BPD. We dated 2 years before getting married and it was rocky then; however I believed the promises and had hope God could restore the brokenness.

The normal was i would say something very minor and it set him off and he claimed I was abusive. For example, i asked for him to write something down to remind me as I was preoccupied at the time and was afraid I would forget. I owned my position and I apologized that i was unable to focus on his things for me to do, I was then told I was grumpy and demanding and he left the house and did not speak to me for two in half days. This was and is our normal.

I believe since we have been married he has maybe spent a total of 60 nights with me. We have two homes so he uses his home as an escape. Threatens divorce all the time, jealously, controlling, abusive verbally and blames me for every flaw in our relationship.

Well after taking so much that I can take, I finally went to a counselor and he said I was a codependent and needed to stand firm in my boundaries. So I did, Stating that the threats of leaving, divorcing me and the abusive behavior will no longer intimidate me and I would distance myself when i felt verbally abused.

Needless to say that did not go over well. This was before thanksgiving and he hasn't been back.

We verbally committed to therapy but he persuaded the therapists that is was me who was insecure. Well yeah i am insecure- when a man isn't home night after night, threatens divorce weekly and that he'll find love else where why wouldn't i feel insecure. I finally had the courage to share with my friends and family about my roller coaster life with him and they all said he must be cheating. he has always sworn he would never do that, but with so many absences and little clues here there i started to question his loyalty.

this created more problems. Now he's out of town with his children in another state for christmas, has removed our married status on his fb and i will probably receive the papers this week.
 I get why he is this way because he was being sexually abused as a child and  I have compassion and forgiveness for him because I am a devout Christian and love the Lord and wants whats best for him and his salvation. I guess i struggle today because my part in our demise seems so trivial. I never cheated, lied or reacted back, I would immediately apologize and own my part, correct my "mistakes" and try to be better at snuggling, communicating, attention-geez everything i would try to improve.  If i was to reflect on our communication, I was always failing him. He made me tell him I loved him a zillion times and would ask me to repeatedly "tell me you love me" - this became annoying and creepy.

[loulou3]

anyway I need help and strength please. I am devastated embarrassed and sad how someone can just disappear after so many promises.
 

[jonmnemonic]

Welcome to the board loulou3.  I'm glad you found us and will find a lot of support and information here.

I know first hand how hard it is being a Christian and going through a situation like this.  Sometimes you have to lay your marriage on the alter and let God handle it.  It doesn't sound like there's anything more you could do and your best efforts were never good enough for your husband.  Romans 12:18 is a good reminder of what our responsibilities are and aren't. Take heart in knowing that God works all things together for good to those that love Him.

Stand firm in your boundaries.  It can seem counter productive based on your husband's response, but it's still the right thing to do.  Giving in to his "craziness" only serves to enable his bad behavior.  Pray for your husband's salvation and for God to be merciful to him.  Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you and let them in on what's going on.

[Circle]

Welcome to bpdfamily. Keep reading and posting on here. It helps to not only wait for replies to your own posts, but also to read other's posts and reply. From what I've read, many times situations like this develop from being co-dependent. We tolerate this bad stuff from others, because we think they need support. We don't stand up for ourselves, because we lack strong boundaries of what we won't accept from others.

It's tough when you are in a culture that places so much emphasis on marriage. Maybe your own family is full of people who haven't been divorced. It doesn't make you a bad person because you are with a personality-disordered person; a definite possibility that they have a cluster-b disorder. Here is a link to Mayo Clinic's page on the subject. You might find a fitting description for what you are dealing with. You can google more from there. And, of course, find more, if you dig around in bpdfamily.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/dxc-20247656

Hang in there! Keep posting. Keep reading. Keep replying.