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Author Topic: After 4 years ive finally realised i need to end it  (Read 399 times)
anatexis

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Posts: 3


« on: December 27, 2016, 08:15:10 AM »

This is my first post. Ive been with my current partner now for 4 years after getting a divorce after 33 years marriage. From the get go my current partner showed many signs of BPD and frequently verbally abused me. Eventually i started seeing a therapist (At my partners insistence as she said i had so many issues that needed resolving!). After three sessions my therapist knew what was going on and advised me to look up BPD on google. What a revelation. I was relieved at first. I wasnt going mad at all (as my partner was continually suggesting).  But soon my relief turned to dismay as it became more and more obvious that this thing called BPD was very difficult to cure (especially in a 53 year old woman). Since then i have stuck with her trying everything to bring about change. I have been subject to serious verbal abuse on many occasions, physical abuse also on several occasions and had my "personal property" witheld from me many times until i did as i was told. I have been falsely accused of physical violence against her, including rape, of being a serial liar, of having numerous affairs with work colleagues and friends, of being psychotic, trying to steal her house and all her money, of paying her to have sex with me, of bullying and humiliating her and spying on her by going through her emails and her phone. None of the above are true. In the meantime she is paranoid about me. Constantly wanting to see my phone and emails. I have noone to turn to but family . My partner discovered i had talked to my daughter (by my marriage) and sister about her and she went ballistic. She now hates me talking to her about my family and denigrates them whenever she can. Talk about walking on eggshells... .claymores and landmines is more like it. Anyway this Xmas has been the worst i have ever experienced.  Too long a story for now but i would value anyones opinion of how to escape this destructive relationship. I know i must be either stupid or codependent to have stuck it this far but... .and here's the problem... .i do love her still and feel awful guilt that she may end up alone in the world.  I do have a separate house away from her and i came home tonight so depressed after the events over Xmas. I have blocked her on all my devices and social media as of now but i fear i will backslide again as i have many times before. Anyone got any advice on how to make it stick this time?
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Naughty Nibbler
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2016, 11:33:12 AM »


Welcome Anatexis:
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It is common for a person with BPD to try and project that onto a partner and say they have BPD.

Quote from: anatexis
From the get go my current partner showed many signs of BPD and frequently verbally abused me. Eventually i started seeing a therapist (At my partners insistence as she said i had so many issues that needed resolving!). After three sessions my therapist knew what was going on and advised me to look up BPD on google.
Your therapist can be a good support system for you right now.  If you aren't currently seeing your therapist, you might consider going back.

Have you thought about why you decided to marry your partner?  When people show you who they are, it is generally only a small taste of what is to come.

Quote from: anatexis
My partner discovered i had talked to my daughter (by my marriage) and sister about her and she went ballistic    

How did she discover the specifics of your conversations with your daughter and sister?

Click on the green words to get to an article on triangulation that can be helpful (learn about good triangulation):   DRAMA TRIANGLE

Quote from: anatexis
I know i must be either stupid or codependent to have stuck it this far but... .and here's the problem... .i do love her still and feel awful guilt that she may end up alone in the world. . .
I have blocked her on all my devices and social media as of now but i fear i will backslide again as i have many times before. Anyone got any advice on how to make it stick this time?      

It could be valuable for you to read about: FOG

One thing to ask yourself is "do you want to continue to grow old with this person", "When you are sick or disabled, or in need of help, will interactions with your partner help you or hinder you?"

Life is short.  Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing, if you contrast it with being with an uncontrolled person with BPD.  It doesn't matter how attractive they may be, or how charming they can be at times, does any of that really make it worth the pain of the bad times?

Quote from: anatexis
I have been subject to serious verbal abuse on many occasions, physical abuse also on several occasions and had my "personal property" withheld from me many times until i did as i was told. I have been falsely accused of physical violence against her, including rape, of being a serial liar, of having numerous affairs with work colleagues and friends, of being psychotic, trying to steal her house and all her money, of paying her to have sex with me, of bullying and humiliating her and spying on her by going through her emails and her phone. None of the above are true.
It's not okay for women to abuse men.  It is good that you have separate homes to go to, but you still want to be strategic and have a Safety Plan. The links below can be helpful for you.  You need to take measures to stay safe and protect yourself - physically, emotionally and legally. You might want to consult a lawyer and keep good documentation.  There is a legal board on this website, where you might want to make a post at some point.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

SAFETY FIRST:
bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
www.thehotline.org/




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vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2016, 11:41:31 AM »

The links on the left might have some good tools.

 

Welcome to the boards! I know how difficult it is to break free from such a confusing relationship. I finally got my ex out of the house about 9 months ago. Before that, it was a roller coaster ride. Like you, I knew I wanted out but had no idea how to go about doing it. One day, I had enough and just kind of did it. I had to work up the mental fortitude to say "No more" and really mean it. I had to realize that, yes, I love him. Loving someone does not mean that gives them the right to treat you like crap. Is there something that you can do to occupy your time to keep you from backsliding?

Do you have any kind of plan for when you are feeling weak?

Are you legally married?

Do you have any shared assets?

Are you keeping a journal? I have a few journals that I wrote in sporadically. I have gone back and reread some of the things that I wrote to remind me of how it felt to be with ex. Writing here has also been immensely helpful. I can go back and reread some of my posts and be reminded of things.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?
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GlennT
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 930



« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2016, 03:52:33 PM »

I believe you can do this. You really can make your NC stick this time. You must make NC stick this time to make your life better and peaceful in the future. Being all alone may be the best no-cost therapy for a  BPD. So... don't worry about leaving her all alone. In fact, they hate being alone because they have to face themselves instead of blaming everyone else. If she bothers you at home, and stalks you, call the police I've had to call the police several times, on my delusional ex wife, and get a Restraining Order. She went to jail 4 times, and is now, 8 years later,  too paranoid to even come near me.  Smiling (click to insert in post) You must be totally dedicated to NC like I was, if you want peace of mind. Now I will reiterate why NC is valuable information for you. For a BPD to give you their heart and soul is an impossibility. They have no heart.They have no soul. All they really care about is themselves. Their selfish, perfect, charming, seductive, flirtatious, lying, measly, little, selves. All they THINK they want is narcissistic supply in this world.  Narcissistic supply being: Adulation, respect, admiration, attention, lust, and love ect. The thing is... in their disordered mind, when love is offered to them, (and they don't even know this themselves), they become disgusted by the person offering it to them. In their disordered subconscious minds, they see the person returning their love as weak and conquered. So they will leave,or continue to manipulate you, until you are forced to leave them.That's the hard part to come to terms with. It will seem like a wound that cannot heal, but it will with NC, or low NC in time. They will drop us like a piece of garbage in their minds,, and blame us, or give some other reason, for their cruelty. But in the beginning, they make this MASK, for themselves, to cause people to fall in love with them. Then, once that's accomplished, there's a sickening, twisted, rewiring that happens in their brains, and they treat us like garbage. for believing the fake persona, or mask they made, to begin with. This is hard to understand. Sadly, we cannot help them alone. They need long-term therapy, and must be willing to work with an experienced BPD therapist long-term...
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Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.~ Churchill
lovenature
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2016, 11:54:47 PM »

My advice is to go complete NC, list all of the good vs. bad in your relationship, continue learning about BPD and decide what YOU really want.
When you are ready, look into why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship.
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anatexis

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2017, 06:46:30 AM »

Its nearly a year since i wrote above. Unfortunately i did backslide. The last 9 months have been the same. A few months ago i started to feel really bad. Physically and mentally so tired and worn out.  Now just keeping going at work is so hard. I have to put on my game face and even then it slips through and despair comes through... .i went to the doc for a check up. He found nothing physical and suggested it was stress related. I think he's right but cannot find my way out now. My partner (we are not married) is still the same. She has just done one of her mood swings after having accused me of stealing her money and being a serial liar she is now messaging me as though we are a carimg loving couple who have been married for years. Its so disturbing this "turning tables". I think i am stuck in this with no way out.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2017, 09:34:56 AM »

Hey anatexis, Let me ask you a tough question: why do you stay in an abusive r/s?  What keeps you hangin' on?  There is a way out, my friend.  It starts with yourself.  What is the right path for you?  What would you like to see happen?  You are the Captain of your own Ship, right?  You get to decide where you life goes from here.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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