Update: she may never fully let me go

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone, I hope the holidays are going good for everyone? Here is a quick update on my exBPD. Going to keep it on the short side a lot has happened the last two months. I went nc back in October she reach out to me in November. We were being friendly and that she was getting help for herself. I'm not fully sure she really is, and kept my guard up has I could see she was trying the normal stuff she usually does. She is still with the bf that they have a son with, I been trying my best to help her understand herself better which did help. But I know has a codependent I'm trying to be rational with someone that just can't see it without proper therapy and dbt. I gave her a dbt workbook she thank me. Have explained somethings she can do for stress. Things got interesting she was having issues with the bf, and some other issues. I tried being supportive but said I will not support and help her with the relationship with him. We meet a few times and talked on the phone, it was the usual one sided relationship only when she wanted to talk or meet she would get ahold of me. I was validating her feelings, and offering support. Things got interesting when I started talking to her about what she would do. Told her I know everything called her out on the cheating, lying, gaslighting of the past. Told her I am out of the fog she put me under, she was very confuse look on her face when I told her. It was like I opened a box that was never meet to be opened. She said why do you stay around if you know I do those things? I told her I see a good person in her that wants to change and I want to help her. Told her I can be supportive but I can't try and fix her anymore. I had a few boundaries up but I could tell and she has told me she doesn't like them.

Well we ended up having talks that concern me, I explained the whole black and white thing to her and what she does to me and other people. That's when she said I don't ever paint you fully black and never will. I'm the exception to her and how she paints people. I then ask if it was ok to tell her what I really believe her to be (she always would say she was bipolar) she said it was ok, I told her I think she is BPD and she has most of the traits. She said she believes she may be (I don't know how long she been thinking this but I have a feeling it's been for a few months now) I asked her about the time we thought she was pregnant and did she stop the pregnancy. She said no, and what said next was creepy, I wish many of times I had a child with you because I would have you for life (she can't have kids anymore)! Yep she said that and the fact she will never fully let me go. I believe this to be true now I tried maybe having her paint me black, called her out on everything, and told her bf about what was going on. That only kept her away for two weeks to she called on Christmas and she understands why I told the bf, she never thought I would do something like that. I'm the only person she trust and puts up with her. The night before Christmas I blocked her on everything and deleted the photos of us and the kids. I forgot I didn't block her house number, I needed a phone call from the number to be able to block it. We had a little talk it wasn't going anywhere I still was doing the trying for her to see the light. It's no use, I can't I realize that and need to protect myself. We had a few email conversation back and forth then I sent her the I wish you the best keeping working on yourself I know you will get there. But I said we made are decisions we have to live with it now. Her emails go to spam now, she can still leave a voice mail and text. My phone just sends the texts to a folder on my phone, I just got to keep myself from looking at the stuff.

I'm doing pretty good about the whole thing I got my closer in a way. I believe what she told me to be true. Everything from wanting to do evil things to me to having a kid with me so I can't never leave. Now I got to keep her away somehow. I think I got a month before she may try a backdoor way of getting ahold of me. 8 some years of off and on crazy, I just want it to end. I'm really starting to think I should just close the business and just move out of state and start a new life. My life seems to be a joke up to this point anyway, maybe it's for the best.

I guess I just needed to vent, more then help. I don't think there is any good advice for me here other then going nc and maybe acting like I moved. I'm seeing my t which is helping me a lot, and I took the big step of blocking her and deleting the photos. If someone has advice it would be great!

[rzr14]

Hi everyone, I hope the holidays are going good for everyone? Here is a quick update on my exBPD. Going to keep it on the short side a lot has happened the last two months. I went nc back in October she reach out to me in November. We were being friendly and that she was getting help for herself. I'm not fully sure she really is, and kept my guard up has I could see she was trying the normal stuff she usually does. She is still with the bf that they have a son with, I been trying my best to help her understand herself better which did help. But I know has a codependent I'm trying to be rational with someone that just can't see it without proper therapy and dbt. I gave her a dbt workbook she thank me. Have explained somethings she can do for stress. Things got interesting she was having issues with the bf, and some other issues. I tried being supportive but said I will not support and help her with the relationship with him. We meet a few times and talked on the phone, it was the usual one sided relationship only when she wanted to talk or meet she would get ahold of me. I was validating her feelings, and offering support. Things got interesting when I started talking to her about what she would do. Told her I know everything called her out on the cheating, lying, gaslighting of the past. Told her I am out of the fog she put me under, she was very confuse look on her face when I told her. It was like I opened a box that was never meet to be opened. She said why do you stay around if you know I do those things? I told her I see a good person in her that wants to change and I want to help her. Told her I can be supportive but I can't try and fix her anymore. I had a few boundaries up but I could tell and she has told me she doesn't like them.

Well we ended up having talks that concern me, I explained the whole black and white thing to her and what she does to me and other people. That's when she said I don't ever paint you fully black and never will. I'm the exception to her and how she paints people. I then ask if it was ok to tell her what I really believe her to be (she always would say she was bipolar) she said it was ok, I told her I think she is BPD and she has most of the traits. She said she believes she may be (I don't know how long she been thinking this but I have a feeling it's been for a few months now) I asked her about the time we thought she was pregnant and did she stop the pregnancy. She said no, and what said next was creepy, I wish many of times I had a child with you because I would have you for life (she can't have kids anymore)! Yep she said that and the fact she will never fully let me go. I believe this to be true now I tried maybe having her paint me black, called her out on everything, and told her bf about what was going on. That only kept her away for two weeks to she called on Christmas and she understands why I told the bf, she never thought I would do something like that. I'm the only person she trust and puts up with her. The night before Christmas I blocked her on everything and deleted the photos of us and the kids. I forgot I didn't block her house number, I needed a phone call from the number to be able to block it. We had a little talk it wasn't going anywhere I still was doing the trying for her to see the light. It's no use, I can't I realize that and need to protect myself. We had a few email conversation back and forth then I sent her the I wish you the best keeping working on yourself I know you will get there. But I said we made are decisions we have to live with it now. Her emails go to spam now, she can still leave a voice mail and text. My phone just sends the texts to a folder on my phone, I just got to keep myself from looking at the stuff.

I'm doing pretty good about the whole thing I got my closer in a way. I believe what she told me to be true. Everything from wanting to do evil things to me to having a kid with me so I can't never leave. Now I got to keep her away somehow. I think I got a month before she may try a backdoor way of getting ahold of me. 8 some years of off and on crazy, I just want it to end. I'm really starting to think I should just close the business and just move out of state and start a new life. My life seems to be a joke up to this point anyway, maybe it's for the best.

I guess I just needed to vent, more then help. I don't think there is any good advice for me here other then going nc and maybe acting like I moved. I'm seeing my t which is helping me a lot, and I took the big step of blocking her and deleting the photos. If someone has advice it would be great!

[rfriesen]

Hi rzr,
I hope the holidays are going well for you too!  

You seem aware of your situation and, as you say, more wanted to vent than ask for help. So let me just note a few things that jump out at me reading your post.

it was the usual one sided relationship only when she wanted to talk or meet she would get ahold of me.
... .
I'm the exception to her and how she paints people.

What are you each getting out of this connection, which clearly feels dysfunctional to you in various ways? From your post, it sounds like she feels secure in you being someone who will always be there, no matter what her behaviour is and no matter how much you discover and call her out on. Sounds like you enjoy the feeling of being that special person in her life who will put up with all of it and still see her as a good person -- so that you are never fully painted black.
Is this a fair trade for you? If this is the foundation of the relationship, is it one you want to hold onto?

She said no, and what said next was creepy, I wish many of times I had a child with you because I would have you for life (she can't have kids anymore)!

My ex said the same thing to me. It would be a guarantee that the attachment will always be there in some form.

Yep she said that and the fact she will never fully let me go. I believe this to be true now I tried maybe having her paint me black, called her out on everything, and told her bf about what was going on.

All the things you say you tried in order to have her let you go ... .they are all ways in which you put the decision back in her hands. It sounds like you are each testing one another to see whether one of you will make the decision to break the attachment. If you reach a point where you truly want to detach, you'll have to make that decision for yourself, not rely on her to let you go.

I'm the only person she trust and puts up with her.

Again, the dynamic seems to be that you'll put up with everything she does, so she never fully cuts you out. Is that fair?

It's no use, I can't I realize that and need to protect myself.
... .
I think I got a month before she may try a backdoor way of getting ahold of me. 8 some years of off and on crazy, I just want it to end.

Is this really what you want? If so, why are you unable to resist when she tries to get ahold of you? Is there something specific you can think of that draws you back in? Do you have hope she'll leave her bf someday to be with you?

You seem to have a good understanding of the situation you're in. The question is -- what do you want moving forward? Not an easy question! But only you can make the decision to end this attachment, if that's what you want. That is not her choice to make for you.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hello RZR!

Your situation mimics mine in many ways. My ex (who I work with and is dBPD) has said many of the things that yours has. You have also mimicked many of the things I've said to myself: the selfishness of it all was hurtful to me, etc.

My ex has said many times she sees me as the only person she can never fully cut out of her life, that she wished she had stayed with me and started a family, and so on. That stuff hurts. It hurts because, in those moments, it's 100% true. Unfortunately, their emotions are ever shifting and there is no consistency with those emotions. I feel like I'm looking beyond the veil now... .she says and wants to do things with me, even though she's been living with my replacement (her exact words) and fellow co worker for about a year now. Was she doing this sort of thing during our active time together?  Absolutely. I'm 100% convinced of that.

I have minimal contact with her. However, I have experienced love bombing recently. Maybe she misses me. Maybe it was the holidays or L wasn't paying her enough attention. I don't know. What I do know is in those moments, she meant the words... .but it wouldn't last. It's a siren song.

Stay strong for you. Keep healing. You aren't responsible for her emotions or behavior. You aren't her caretaker. Look inward and help yourself be a better you. The rest will sort itself out in time.

[rzr14]

Hey Rfriesen, thanks for the reply and Happy New Year

1 I agree with what you have said our relationship is dysfunctional and it is obvious to me now that what I was getting from the relationship was feeling special... someone she could count on being there for her like you said. Thinking about this logically there is no benefit to have this connection with her.

2 I agree with you again, it does seem to be that we have been testing each other plus getting what we want for the last 2 months. I was hoping for her to see the light, in the end I realize she not ready or will never change. So I did what I did, but the only way to go about this is nc.

3 It's not fair to me, when I try to make it more then one sided or have boundaries  but she has to destroy it.

4 The main reason I still hold on is the hope that it wasn't all fake, that we can still make it work. I know it can't and will never work, I can't trust her and would always be walking on eggshells. That's not a life to live

I have went nc basically did a nice goodbye to her in a email, didn't look for if she responded to it.

[rzr14]

Hey Lonely_Astro, thanks for the reply hope your New Year went good

Yes our situation mimics each other and a lot of others on this board. I'm starting to think we are like their puppets, they are the puppet master. When things don't go good or they want to play with an old toy, they take us off the shelf to play with us to they get bored or the new toy gives them what they want. I think situations like ours we are never fully let go even if we go nc. We are just put back up on the shelf into maybe that one day they can find a way back in.

[lovenature]

I'm really starting to think I should just close the business and just move out of state and start a new life. My life seems to be a joke up to this point anyway, maybe it's for the best.

Be sure you are completely out of the FOG and this is best for you!
Depression is similar to being in the FOG in regards to not being able to see things clearly; I have been severely depressed, and the negative tape runs in your head continually, it is very easy to cognitively distort reality to where you are never good enough.