Married for 26 years to BPD

[AMP101]

Hello,

I'm new here and thought I would introduce myself and ask for any reading material anyone out there may find useful. I am a 46 year old woman and have been married to my husband for twenty-six years. We have five children together, ages 24 on down to 13. My husband had four suicide attempts that I am aware of PRIOR to our marriage. He was admitted to Cornell residential way back when where he was diagnosed with BPD. During our married life, I can point to about a billion and one warning signs that should have tipped me off to how my life with a mentally ill spouse would be, but because I was so young, then busy with five children, I chose to not pay attention. Fast forward to last March, I had a meltdown after we had moved to CA from our home in the midwest. Long story short, I was upset to have lost my support of family and friends, my husband heard "I'm not happy" which he took to mean I thought it was his fault and I am leaving him. This isn't what happened, but this he how he tells it. In any case, he came home from work, drank half a bottle of bourbon, then loaded his handgun and tucked it into his pocket. I spent two hours trying to talk him "down" and once I figured out I had lost him, put the kids in the car and called 911. The police were able to disarm him and he was taken to psych, 72 mandatory hold, then to unlocked unit, then to one month of IOP. He then stopped all treatment except once a month with a psychiatrist.  After this past episode, it has become increasingly difficult to be around him. He is emotionally abusive one day, and very sweet the next. I am not sure I can continue in this marriage if I am to keep MY sanity. So... .Is there anyone out there with some reading material that could give me more insight on how to affectively deal with this situation. I do realize that most of his behavior has nothing to do with me and is solely his illness. He is 54 and unlikely to seek any other type of counseling. Even if I beg and plead.  If you got to the end of my story, thanks for reading. Looking forward to commiserating and to any advice anyone may have. Peace!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeteWitsend]

the book a few different people referred me to is called "Walking on Eggshells"

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

I was also cautioned not to leave it lying around, so I kept it in my car & at work, but its not there when I need it.  I found it helpful, but also found many of the anecdotes it related made me remember painful episodes or moments in my own marriage and get a little upset.  maybe pour yourself a glass of wine before you crack it open.

[Mutt]

Hi AMP101,



I'd like to join PeteWitsend and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that, it has to bebe hard dealing with BPD And 5 kids. 26 years is a long time when you have to deal with it 24/7, professionals see a pwBPD for a few hours a week, some refuse to see a pwBPD, we're not professionals yet we deal with it every day.

We have a board dedicated to reading material, PeteWitsend recommend you a book that most non's reading. I can suggest

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT

I like Margalis Fjelstad's book because it is from the perspective of the non disordered partner, I'm really felt like the book can empathize with our experince and it explains the r/s and family dynamics. If you follow through that link, you'll find the board for book reviews / suggestions. I have to agree with PeteWitsend, I found the books difficult to read because I was emotionally a lot at the time, it helps to be detached while reading them.

I'm glad that you decide to join us after so many years of going through this a lone, you'll find a lot of similarities with your story and other members stories, you're not alone. That being seaid the most effective strategy is seeing a T concurrently with a support group. Are you seeing a T? What do you for self care?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[drained1996]

Hi AMP101,



I'd like to join Pete and Mutt in welcoming you to our family.  26 years of dealing with a BPD and concurrently raising 5 children.   You've should be awarded some kind of presidential medal!  Having a loved on suffer from BPD is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.  We understand... .we've lived it too.  You've been given some good links to begin with, and I'll add the tools and lessons you will find on the upper right margin of this page.  You understand that you cannot change your BPD, but you can change how you react to and communicate with him.  These tools and lessons are designed to help you do just that.  It takes practice, so realize that while you try to implement some of these techniques. 
Feel free to post any questions, thoughts, or feelings anytime.  We are here to walk with you.   

[Sluggo]

AMP 101,

Welcome.  Having been married 18 year with children I understand some of the pain you have gone through.  I am sorry you have had to experience it. You are not alone.  This board has been helpful for me over the last 6 years (I previously was under a different name).   The people on here helped challenge me to think deeper and start to put words to what I was feeling which gave me a rudder in which I could start using to make the best decisions for my circumstances.