RE: Elephant In The Room

[shoshotmedic]

First and foremost, I love my wife very much without a doubt. We have been married just over ten years. She has shown many tail tell signs of BPD, and I have not handled them well in the past, not fully understanding exactly what it is. I understand now (especially over this past year) and I don't want our family to dissolve. I want it to be healthy and don't want our beautiful daughters to learn and see what they have been seeing.

My main question in this... .how do we keep tip-toeing around the elephant in the room? As soon as I bring up BPD or anything being wrong with her, she will say it's always based on my actions. If I didn't do this or act like this (which some of my actions don't even exist... .i.e. going to church and being completely cussed out after the service for looking at another woman when I wasn't looking at another woman... .in front of our daughters too) she wouldn't have to scream, yell, and cuss. And it only gets worse if I don't admit to looking at another woman.

And that is only one example. I have 1000's of other examples of BPD behavior/traits.

My family looks at me much differently, and I have lost (well, it feels like it) lifetime friendships.

She would be all the way upset, like I am betraying her if she knew I was on this message board discussing our relationship regardless of the motives (like improving our marriage).

My question is this, how do I talk about it without talking about it? Because the minute I do defensive mechanisms kick in and she shifts the emphasis to me and how bad I treat her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi shoshotmedic,
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I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I can understand how much tension and anxiety that creates when we're walking on eggshells around our partners. I'm glad that you decided to join us. Many members here can relate with you and off you guidance and advice. Check out other threads and discussions you'll probably see a lot of similarities and lear something that you can apply in your situation. 
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It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder there's a reason why your w acts the way that she does, a pwBPD are hypervigiant with rejection and are constantly on the look out for real or perceived threats of being rejected. The behaviors are not personal to us. You'll find the lessons on the right side of this board. 
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‎She has shown many tail tell signs of BPD, and I have not handled them well in the past, not fully understanding exactly what it is.

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I had similar thoughts but if you think about it we're not doctors and aren't trianed to diagnose someone with a serious mental illness. Don't be hard on yourself.

My question is this, how do I talk about it without talking about it?

What I would suggest is read about BPD as I previously mentioned, another example is that a pwBPD feel awful about themselves, feel self hatred and feel more negative feelings than positive ones more often. That being said, we can tweak our communication style and inject more validation to validate what your w feels. I'm suggesting to validate everything, what I am suggesting is validate what is valid

For example, i like weight lifting and I have a goal in mind. I see people on my social media feed that want validation for working out, I don't believe in that, I slowly work toward my goal and show results. Learn the communication tools and apply in r/s, and you'll quickly notice the benefits and become better at it over time. ‎

[shoshotmedic]

Thanks for the advice Mutt. I am reading "I hate you - Don't Leave Me". I just began Ch 7.

It has helped me tremendously understand myself better, my up bringing, what I feel to be important. I am a 'care giver'... .to fix what ever is broken, at all costs. I take this adolescent ideology to heart and into adulthood, as I am currently serving my 4th combat tour in Afghanistan as a combat/flight medic. I am in Kandahar. I have seen, treated, and smelled everything from severe bleeding from traumatic amputations to big holes and little holes where holes should not be. I have been shot at, blown up by IEDs, been ambushed, etc. I've treated wounded US Soldiers, wounded Afghan Soldiers, wounded civilians to include women and children, and even the enemy after the shooting has stopped. I have seen a lot.

There are three rules which I live and fight by... .1) Good men will die. 2) ':)oc' can't save them all. 3) ':)oc' will sacrifice everything without hesitation to break rules one and two.

I am a warrior.

These rules I have applied to my marriage without even knowing it and it's hurting my career, my health, and losing family and friends. I do have a formal PSTD diagnosis/adjustment disorder which I work very hard at being self-aware and really understand who I am and how I influence my marriage.

But most importantly, I have learned how I would deal with the extreme levels of disrespect, out of the blue accusations, and her cheating in much less than desirable ways. Very unhealthy. I hate you don't leave me is helping me understand the SET-UP process, and remain true to this process through the severe levels of disrespect and her threats of what other men can do for her.

Thanks for the advice and listening Mutt.

[Lockjaw]

I have suffered similar attacks from my GF. If I like a comment a woman posts on FB, then I am flirting. Somehow I missed that is how FB works. I thought my liking their comment meant there was something in it I agreed with. It's not like I used their name, and said they were hot and went to their wall and scoped out all their pics.

I think the thing is there is no winning. There is no real defense of yourself. What they feel is what they think, and that is what drives them. It baffles me.

From what I have seen the best way to deal with BPD is getting a therapist to tell them. They don't take it well from other people. Good luck.

[Tattered Heart]

My uBPDh does not like nor does he want a diagnosis. To him, it is just a label. I"ve learned that if I want to talk about it, I have to wait until after a big blow up when he is feeling foolish, ashamed, or guilty, and address the behavior for the moment, not the overall BPD issue. We will talk about him feeling abandoned, or betrayed, or whatever it is that caused him to melt down. Sometimes he makes a change in behavior, usually he doens't, but at least he acknowledges that his behavior was unacceptable. FOr me, that's good enough. I no longer expect normal relationship behavior from him. My normal looks like him not yelling or calling names. My normal includes him being excessively critical, negative, and a kill joy. But if he isn't yelling at me or verbally abusing me, then things are as good as it is going to get until he is ready to help himself.

[shoshotmedic]

Thanks for the input Lockjaw.

I don't even want to talk about Facebook or social media. Facebook used to be the main way I kept in contact with friends and family. Just really convenient. I have deleted my facebook page because of my wife's demands, thinking it would help. All it does is make me feel isolated, and make her feel like she is the only person for me to have any social contact with. Females were (and still are) a huge problem.

"What they feel is what they think, and that is what drives them."

Great point! I will take it a step further... .what they 'feel' is their reality... .it is truth and there is no compromise. If she says the sky is purple, an argument will only get worse if not in agreement. And then I give in after hours of arguing to make it better... .and then it's "why did it take you so long... .because your not a real man"... .and that's putting it respectfully. She has a firm grip on the timing, delivery, and says the things that hurt the most while using 'colorful' adjectives. Its damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And thanks for your input Tattered Heart. I really hope he does seek the help he needs, and that you also get help if you need help. What she tells me sometimes cuts so deep, and my fight is to not internalize some of the awful things she says. I can go toe to toe with the Taliban or any one else any day of the week and place my size 13 firmly up their a$$, but their is no honor, respect, loyalty, selfless-ness in the words she speaks to me. With my memories and experiences fighting in far away places, it takes a tremendous amount of intestinal fortitude and courage not to start bouncing off the walls.

But I have to emphasize how much I love my wife. She can be my true soul mate during the times she is not throwing a tantrum. I understand the person she truly is through all the pain, fear, and anger she feels. It's like she's 3 years old or something or she is perpetually stuck in the 8th grade. I want to fix us. I need for us to be healthy.

[Lockjaw]

Trust me when I say this. I HEAR YOU! I can completely and totally related to what you say, and I share your sense of emptiness.

I love my GF too. Many wonderful qualities, and she has a sweet tender side. But in many ways, she is a child in an adult body.

I wish things were different. I really do. For us all.